It's been more than a week since I've written anything. And even longer since I wrote anything particularly coherent. I'm not sure that this will be any sort of improvement on past posts. I have become too high and mighty. I have decided that I can't write the crap anymore, when that is precisely what I need to be doing. Write a little every day, even if it's the worse writing ever. Cereal.
I have been sick for like a week. It started with a very minimal sore throat and cough a few days before Christmas. I kept thinking it was gonna get worse. It didn't. Nor did it get better. Just a tiny bit of cough and sore throat. Minimal enough to pass as allergies. Nevertheless I took it easy and took all the vitamins etc to try to knock it out. It didn't get better and then finally, two days after Christmas, I got a fever. December 27th, December 28th, December 29th, December 30th, and at last, today, it broke.
It got super high too! Exciting stuff. So here I sit, blowing my nose on this December 31st, still feeling too sick to go to any New Years Eve parties. It's kinda sad. I mean, I don't even care for NYE that much. I now have some fond memories of NYE parties (and some crappy NYE parties too!), but after 4 days in bed, I would love a party! Oh well, such is life! Cabin Fever, ahh!
But maybe it's nice to have a peaceful NYE for a change. I honestly can't remember the last NYE I spent at home and went to bed before midnight. I don't feel too forlorn about it honestly.
I do wish that my end of the year ramblings were a little more interesting and reflective than "Hey, I had a high fever and NYE can be fun and dumb!" But oh well. I wrote out some crap. Maybe the new year will bring some fuller blog posts!
You can and you can't.
Christmas time ends up being one of the most stressful times of the year. Which is a bummer!There's so much to get done, and while there could be a lovely scene of Christmas bustle with wrapping paper and ribbon curling, too often it becomes an endless list of tasks that must be got through.
Someone remarked to me: "I feel like things could be done quietly — or at least peacefully." Well, yeah! Of course they could! but we don't live in an ideal world where everyone sits around singing like cheerful elves getting everything done peacefully. We live in a world where we are always trying to get the next thing done so we can go on to the next thing and the next and the next forever. There's no slowing down.
It seems like we should be able to force ourselves to slow down and enjoy each moment; make wrapping gifts one of the joys of Christmas, not one of the annoyances we must get through until the momentary joys can be appreciated. IF they can be appreciated, because on Christmas day when presents are trying to be unwrapped there's still meal prep that has to get done and out of the way. Too often it's a list of have-tos not get-tos.
But sometimes everything is too overwhelming and you just feel the need to cry. When I feel this way I want to push it away. I want to change how I feel but sometimes that's just not possible.
Changing ones mood is not an easy task. Sometimes feelings demand to be felt. There's no avoiding them.
Someone remarked to me: "I feel like things could be done quietly — or at least peacefully." Well, yeah! Of course they could! but we don't live in an ideal world where everyone sits around singing like cheerful elves getting everything done peacefully. We live in a world where we are always trying to get the next thing done so we can go on to the next thing and the next and the next forever. There's no slowing down.
It seems like we should be able to force ourselves to slow down and enjoy each moment; make wrapping gifts one of the joys of Christmas, not one of the annoyances we must get through until the momentary joys can be appreciated. IF they can be appreciated, because on Christmas day when presents are trying to be unwrapped there's still meal prep that has to get done and out of the way. Too often it's a list of have-tos not get-tos.
But sometimes everything is too overwhelming and you just feel the need to cry. When I feel this way I want to push it away. I want to change how I feel but sometimes that's just not possible.
Changing ones mood is not an easy task. Sometimes feelings demand to be felt. There's no avoiding them.
You Say Tomato
You say tomayto. I say tomaHto.
I don't know the origin of this phrase nor do I care to look it up.
But I was thinking about it in church this morning. No, it really didn't have anything to do with the sermon, but nevertheless this is what was on my mind.
In this world we seem to emphasize the differences. I don't want to get into politics, but it seems that parties seem to spend all their energy talking about how much better and different they are from the other side and we become more and more polarized.
This spreads to so many areas of life. I find myself guilty of this too. Sometimes I want to be contrary. And sometimes it's not a desire to be contrary, but a desire to stand up for something I care about and so I want to express it differently than someone else.
Because I didn't look up the origins I also don't know why people use the "tomato/tomahto" phrase. But when I hear it, it sounds to me like a "I'm right and you're wrong" sorta thing. Not a "Hey, that's cool that you say this differently!"
People want to be right. So if anyone says something differently or had a different opinion we want them to be wrong.
I want to get better at hearing tomato and rather than hearing the weird pronunciation of that middle "A", I want to say "Hey! It's cool that we both end with that "toe" sound. That's the same, and that's really cool!"
Too often I am jarred by the differences instead of seeing the sameness.
I'm not talking about tomatoes.
I don't know the origin of this phrase nor do I care to look it up.
But I was thinking about it in church this morning. No, it really didn't have anything to do with the sermon, but nevertheless this is what was on my mind.
In this world we seem to emphasize the differences. I don't want to get into politics, but it seems that parties seem to spend all their energy talking about how much better and different they are from the other side and we become more and more polarized.
This spreads to so many areas of life. I find myself guilty of this too. Sometimes I want to be contrary. And sometimes it's not a desire to be contrary, but a desire to stand up for something I care about and so I want to express it differently than someone else.
Because I didn't look up the origins I also don't know why people use the "tomato/tomahto" phrase. But when I hear it, it sounds to me like a "I'm right and you're wrong" sorta thing. Not a "Hey, that's cool that you say this differently!"
People want to be right. So if anyone says something differently or had a different opinion we want them to be wrong.
I want to get better at hearing tomato and rather than hearing the weird pronunciation of that middle "A", I want to say "Hey! It's cool that we both end with that "toe" sound. That's the same, and that's really cool!"
Too often I am jarred by the differences instead of seeing the sameness.
I'm not talking about tomatoes.
Christmas Tableaux
I accomplished a thing: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/110487362?t=1539
It's interesting to try and evaluate your work on a project. At least for me the balance of accepting thanks and praise and yet keeping the humility is a challenging one.
Let me just tell you a little about the history. Oh, also, the thing I accomplished was producing and directing the Christmas tableaux that over 1500 people came to see. But the history:
Two extremely talented and wonderful people were doing this for many years before me. I'm sorry to say that I don't know how long they were doing it, who was doing it before them, and who originated the version of Christmas tableaux that we now do.
Well, the really easy and short answer is that this all originated with a Story told for over 2000 years. And that is why I love it and it is easy to pass the credit back to the Creator and Originator of this Story.
There is no question in my mind that all praise and power goes to our Savior. But He works through many people. And the tableaux service that I took on would not have happened if it had not been for His servants wanting to tell His story. And by His servants I mean the producers and directors before me as well as all the people who give their time to act out this story year after year!
So how do I tell you what a joyful and challenging experience this was? I think I must divide my roles as producer and director to explain.
As director I loved every single minute of it. Being in the church with actors, giving them direction that was laid out by my predecessors, tweaking things here and there with my assistant director, and overall just loving the experience of the Word being read and people moving to the words being spoken. Add the strings, horns and choir and the building itself sings with glory to God!
I love this service! And that is why last year I assisted on the production and agreed to take it on this year.
But let me put on my producer hat for a moment and let you know that so, so much more goes on behind the scenes before the directing even takes place. The number of emails, phone calls, meetings, planning, rescheduling, tears, headaches was a lot to take on. And honestly it was a part I didn't fully comprehend how to take on. Because as I said, the directing leads itself; The Word is read and the people portraying the story live it beautifully. It is sort of clear what all needs to happen to make that part all work.
But you don't necessarily realize how many other things or people need to be tracked down in order to get to the fun part. I didn't realize what I was getting myself in to, and I will admit to a few minor meltdowns that even now I can look back on and wonder what my problem was. It's a lot easier to look back and know that everything did work out and that the stress I took on wasn't necessary. But in the thick of it it was a lot to get through.
I'm not sure why all of this is necessary to document. Maybe it's so I can look back on this next year and remember that I did do it. I got through it all. Tableaux happened, and 1500 people got to worship the Lord.
This is where my humility kicks in and I don't want to take any credit for this. I really don't feel like I did anything. Someone else did all the music. Someone else organized and ran this service for years. It is a finely oiled machine that just needed someone to keep it moving and I have the honor of taking up the torch and carrying on what is one of the most loved traditions in Bryn Athyn. And that is a little scary. So many people look forward to this, and that is a big responsibility! But one I carry with joy and pride!
This was a lot of work and overall a really wonderful experience for me. I look forward to next year when I will have an even better grasp of what I'm doing, and a better idea of how to deal with the challenges, and overall a sense of knowing that I can do it because I already did.
As I've said, I love this service and it was a lot of work as well as a delight to bring it to people this year and hopefully for many, many years to come.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
It's interesting to try and evaluate your work on a project. At least for me the balance of accepting thanks and praise and yet keeping the humility is a challenging one.
Let me just tell you a little about the history. Oh, also, the thing I accomplished was producing and directing the Christmas tableaux that over 1500 people came to see. But the history:
Two extremely talented and wonderful people were doing this for many years before me. I'm sorry to say that I don't know how long they were doing it, who was doing it before them, and who originated the version of Christmas tableaux that we now do.
Well, the really easy and short answer is that this all originated with a Story told for over 2000 years. And that is why I love it and it is easy to pass the credit back to the Creator and Originator of this Story.
There is no question in my mind that all praise and power goes to our Savior. But He works through many people. And the tableaux service that I took on would not have happened if it had not been for His servants wanting to tell His story. And by His servants I mean the producers and directors before me as well as all the people who give their time to act out this story year after year!
So how do I tell you what a joyful and challenging experience this was? I think I must divide my roles as producer and director to explain.
As director I loved every single minute of it. Being in the church with actors, giving them direction that was laid out by my predecessors, tweaking things here and there with my assistant director, and overall just loving the experience of the Word being read and people moving to the words being spoken. Add the strings, horns and choir and the building itself sings with glory to God!
I love this service! And that is why last year I assisted on the production and agreed to take it on this year.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
But you don't necessarily realize how many other things or people need to be tracked down in order to get to the fun part. I didn't realize what I was getting myself in to, and I will admit to a few minor meltdowns that even now I can look back on and wonder what my problem was. It's a lot easier to look back and know that everything did work out and that the stress I took on wasn't necessary. But in the thick of it it was a lot to get through.
I'm not sure why all of this is necessary to document. Maybe it's so I can look back on this next year and remember that I did do it. I got through it all. Tableaux happened, and 1500 people got to worship the Lord.
This is where my humility kicks in and I don't want to take any credit for this. I really don't feel like I did anything. Someone else did all the music. Someone else organized and ran this service for years. It is a finely oiled machine that just needed someone to keep it moving and I have the honor of taking up the torch and carrying on what is one of the most loved traditions in Bryn Athyn. And that is a little scary. So many people look forward to this, and that is a big responsibility! But one I carry with joy and pride!
This was a lot of work and overall a really wonderful experience for me. I look forward to next year when I will have an even better grasp of what I'm doing, and a better idea of how to deal with the challenges, and overall a sense of knowing that I can do it because I already did.
As I've said, I love this service and it was a lot of work as well as a delight to bring it to people this year and hopefully for many, many years to come.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
There is no solution!
I would love to be able to turn certain feelings off or control my reactions to things. I know I can control my speech and actions, that just takes practice. But it would be fabulous if I could turn off an emotional response to things.
If someone rams you in the supermarket with their shopping cart, whether deliberate or not, you're gonna react to that. You don't have to yell at them, and even if you remain calm and say it's okay or whatever, you might still be fuming inside.
In some sense by not dwelling on it you can change your emotional state. If someone rams you with their cart you can choose to let it go and think about other things.
A few weeks ago someone honked loudly and impatiently at me in a parking lot. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but my heart still beat more rapidly and I could have been very upset, but I thought back to half an hour earlier when I saw a friend unexpectedly and he gave me a much needed hug. That hug drew me out of being honked at and I didn't have to dwell on the upset I could have felt. I drove on, hoping that person's day got better.
So, it is possible to change your emotional state, but it's hard.
If someone is late, if a loved one disappoints you, if someone assumes you're incompetent, if, if if! There are so many scenarios where I have an immediate gut reaction to something that can leave a painful sting. For days!
I wish I could turn off certain emotions, or be better at turning away from them and dwelling on other things. But when every where you turn brings stinging feelings that's not a good day. The hells have you in their grasp, finding discontentment everywhere.
There is no solution.
Entitlement to Neediness
When things are busy and lots is going on I don't write so much. That might make sense. Yeah, maybe I don't have as much time for writing, but that's not really the case. I mean, it is true that less time means it's harder to fit it in, but the real reason I don't write is because I don't have enough brain processing power right now. Like, I'm stressed about so many things that I can't tell if some small thing is actually stressful or if I'm making a bigger deal out of something so small because I'm stressed. It's just not a useful time to analyze my life.
But here I go anyway....
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being a jerk or just standing up for myself. There's obviously better and worse ways to handle a situation. Kinder and meaner ways.
But I can't always tell if my reaction to something is founded or if I'm taking out my stress on someone else.
For example, sometimes I want people to give me their attention, and I don't know if I'm just being needy. Because I need them to meet me where I'm at. Like when I am stressed out and need someone to listen. Do I have a right to make a friend listen? "Make a friend listen" might seem like too strong of a statement. A real friend will listen. But always? How often do they have to listen to me, or are they allowed to have their own life and not have time for me? Are they allowed to be in a jocular mood or preoccupied with something else?
See?! This is what I mean when I say that now is not the time to analyze. I know, in my rational brain, that of course other people have lives and sometimes they are willing to listen and sometimes I listen to them and friendships are reciprocal.
It's just so much easier to feel like I have a right to talk and be heard when I am stressed out. But being stressed out does not give me some entitlement to neediness.
But sometimes I just need to unwind and it would be nice if I could come home to a cozy fire and a mug of hot chocolate and have someone say "How was your day, honey?"
But here I go anyway....
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being a jerk or just standing up for myself. There's obviously better and worse ways to handle a situation. Kinder and meaner ways.
But I can't always tell if my reaction to something is founded or if I'm taking out my stress on someone else.
For example, sometimes I want people to give me their attention, and I don't know if I'm just being needy. Because I need them to meet me where I'm at. Like when I am stressed out and need someone to listen. Do I have a right to make a friend listen? "Make a friend listen" might seem like too strong of a statement. A real friend will listen. But always? How often do they have to listen to me, or are they allowed to have their own life and not have time for me? Are they allowed to be in a jocular mood or preoccupied with something else?
See?! This is what I mean when I say that now is not the time to analyze. I know, in my rational brain, that of course other people have lives and sometimes they are willing to listen and sometimes I listen to them and friendships are reciprocal.
It's just so much easier to feel like I have a right to talk and be heard when I am stressed out. But being stressed out does not give me some entitlement to neediness.
But sometimes I just need to unwind and it would be nice if I could come home to a cozy fire and a mug of hot chocolate and have someone say "How was your day, honey?"
Tracing the tears.
How often do you let tears fall where they will? I always try to stop them, sometimes before they even start, or if I let them fall I try to catch them with a sleeve or a tissue. But when they fall uninhibited, do you notice where they go? They don't drip nicely from your eyes. They slide in interesting patterns. One just slid along my nose, and hit my nostril. Do tears flow up? What's with that?
One tear followed and dripped right across my philtrum to my closed lips. And I can feel the salty tears stinging my chapped lips. I cannot taste the salt because my lips are sealed. But I can feel a few tears pooling on the verge of getting in.
One falls along the curve of my chin, and though it originated in my right eye, it has crossed my entire face and is slipping down the left side of my neck.
Tears do not fall down. They seem to defy gravity, or at least get themselves into fascinating situations if you let them. I am sitting straight, not tilting my head to change the patterns. They fall where they will.
Notice the tears; They create their own paths, like lightening across a sky.
One tear followed and dripped right across my philtrum to my closed lips. And I can feel the salty tears stinging my chapped lips. I cannot taste the salt because my lips are sealed. But I can feel a few tears pooling on the verge of getting in.
One falls along the curve of my chin, and though it originated in my right eye, it has crossed my entire face and is slipping down the left side of my neck.
Tears do not fall down. They seem to defy gravity, or at least get themselves into fascinating situations if you let them. I am sitting straight, not tilting my head to change the patterns. They fall where they will.
Notice the tears; They create their own paths, like lightening across a sky.
Sleep and Avoiding Things
"Dudette, feelings are allowed."
What? This is news to me. Ok, I know I sound like I'm being sarcastic, but in some ways I really am being serious.
I write about feelings a lot. And yet I definitely don't understand them or know if they're useful or should be listened to or felt.
But one thing I do know: They are real.
That doesn't mean they're valid, but I've already written about that.
But sometimes feeling are felt, and sometimes I try not to feel them because they don't seem useful, and sometimes I feel bad for feeling things so sometimes it feels better to just avoid them altogether.
Avoid them altogether. That's what facebook is for, right? Scroll, scroll, scroll. Avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. Nope. I'll swipe open this little box I'm holding to find things to distract me from having to feel things. Oh, I see a sad thing and it makes me sad, but at least I'm reacting to the sad thing on facebook and not facing my own feelings about anything. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Now it's time for sleep. But I don't want to turn the light off or close my computer, because that means I have to let my brain takeover, and heaven forbid I do that! That would mean I'd have to think about the things in my mind. Or feel the feels in my feelings. AVOID!
Ah, my audiobook. Excellent. Now I can just tune into that, and tune out of my world.
Ok, the above is kinda bleak. Don't get me wrong, escaping into a book can be great. I really don't have a problem with that. Sometimes I cry when I'm watching a tv show because it hits home and there's a realness to it that I can relate to. That's all well and good. I don't think books or movies are bad things.
But I know that I can get into a rut of thinking that I need my audiobook to sleep. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to slow down unless I give it a familiar enough book that it's not worried it's gonna miss anything if it falls asleep. Sometimes I do need my audiobook to sleep so that I don't get my mind tangled in knots of worry. Sometimes I do need to distract myself.
When something is true it's a lot easier for it to get warped into something false. I can justify an action by pointing to some truth as proof. But I think everyone knows that there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. Kombucha is good for you. But you shouldn't drink it all day every day.
Sometimes I just don't want to deal with my feelings, and "Sometimes" can turn into "never".
I never want to deal with my feelings. I want someone else to deal with them. Can someone else please deal with my feelings? Fold them and put them away? No? Okay, then I'll just continue to avoid them.
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much...."
What? This is news to me. Ok, I know I sound like I'm being sarcastic, but in some ways I really am being serious.
I write about feelings a lot. And yet I definitely don't understand them or know if they're useful or should be listened to or felt.
But one thing I do know: They are real.
That doesn't mean they're valid, but I've already written about that.
But sometimes feeling are felt, and sometimes I try not to feel them because they don't seem useful, and sometimes I feel bad for feeling things so sometimes it feels better to just avoid them altogether.
Avoid them altogether. That's what facebook is for, right? Scroll, scroll, scroll. Avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. Nope. I'll swipe open this little box I'm holding to find things to distract me from having to feel things. Oh, I see a sad thing and it makes me sad, but at least I'm reacting to the sad thing on facebook and not facing my own feelings about anything. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Now it's time for sleep. But I don't want to turn the light off or close my computer, because that means I have to let my brain takeover, and heaven forbid I do that! That would mean I'd have to think about the things in my mind. Or feel the feels in my feelings. AVOID!
Ah, my audiobook. Excellent. Now I can just tune into that, and tune out of my world.
Ok, the above is kinda bleak. Don't get me wrong, escaping into a book can be great. I really don't have a problem with that. Sometimes I cry when I'm watching a tv show because it hits home and there's a realness to it that I can relate to. That's all well and good. I don't think books or movies are bad things.
But I know that I can get into a rut of thinking that I need my audiobook to sleep. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to slow down unless I give it a familiar enough book that it's not worried it's gonna miss anything if it falls asleep. Sometimes I do need my audiobook to sleep so that I don't get my mind tangled in knots of worry. Sometimes I do need to distract myself.
When something is true it's a lot easier for it to get warped into something false. I can justify an action by pointing to some truth as proof. But I think everyone knows that there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. Kombucha is good for you. But you shouldn't drink it all day every day.
Sometimes I just don't want to deal with my feelings, and "Sometimes" can turn into "never".
I never want to deal with my feelings. I want someone else to deal with them. Can someone else please deal with my feelings? Fold them and put them away? No? Okay, then I'll just continue to avoid them.
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much...."
Isolation: An Introvert in Need of Quality Time
Christmas is a busy time of parties, sugar, alcohol. And lots of people. Let me tell you, there are no shortage of people! People, people, people! And I love the people! I love the Christmas parties. I love the Christmas cookies, the lights, the friends, the fun! I love it all.
On top of all that I'm in charge of the Christmas pageant which has over 100 people in it. And I get to spend time with these people. Starting tomorrow night I have rehearsals every day. And a week from today is the pageant itself which thousands of people come to.
It's a lot. But let me repeat, I really truly love every minute of being there! The music and the people, the readings from the Word! It is a special time! And I love it!
But soon after I leave a rehearsal, or after I leave a Christmas party I need to recharge. I'm an introvert and I need time to recharge. The problem is it's December. Rehearsals and parties and people, people, people. I love the people. Have I said that enough yet? Probably some of those people I love will read this and I want you to know that I really do love and appreciate you!
I am an introvert. I am not a hermit. I am not antisocial or a people loather. I just need time by myself to recharge.
But here's the other thing, I also desperately need human connection. And no matter how much I love my time at parties and rehearsals, that's not quality time.
Well, it is and it isn't. The parties and the people are quality! And I long for connection so I seek out the people... and then I feel isolated. Because no matter how much I love the people, I need a break.
And I don't turn in to a recluse, because I am miserable if I am all alone. I feel drained from people, and I miss them all at once.
I long for connection, and I'm not sure what that looks like when I am so burnt out.
It's like I desperately need human connection, but exactly on my terms and I want other people to exactly anticipate my needs. I can't explain anything, because I don't know myself what I need. I just know that I need humans, and I also can't handle being around them.
And all of this leaves me feeling extremely self centered and needy.
And those feelings make me feel worse about myself.
And so at last...
Isolation.
On top of all that I'm in charge of the Christmas pageant which has over 100 people in it. And I get to spend time with these people. Starting tomorrow night I have rehearsals every day. And a week from today is the pageant itself which thousands of people come to.
It's a lot. But let me repeat, I really truly love every minute of being there! The music and the people, the readings from the Word! It is a special time! And I love it!
But soon after I leave a rehearsal, or after I leave a Christmas party I need to recharge. I'm an introvert and I need time to recharge. The problem is it's December. Rehearsals and parties and people, people, people. I love the people. Have I said that enough yet? Probably some of those people I love will read this and I want you to know that I really do love and appreciate you!
I am an introvert. I am not a hermit. I am not antisocial or a people loather. I just need time by myself to recharge.
But here's the other thing, I also desperately need human connection. And no matter how much I love my time at parties and rehearsals, that's not quality time.
Well, it is and it isn't. The parties and the people are quality! And I long for connection so I seek out the people... and then I feel isolated. Because no matter how much I love the people, I need a break.
And I don't turn in to a recluse, because I am miserable if I am all alone. I feel drained from people, and I miss them all at once.
I long for connection, and I'm not sure what that looks like when I am so burnt out.
It's like I desperately need human connection, but exactly on my terms and I want other people to exactly anticipate my needs. I can't explain anything, because I don't know myself what I need. I just know that I need humans, and I also can't handle being around them.
And all of this leaves me feeling extremely self centered and needy.
And those feelings make me feel worse about myself.
And so at last...
Isolation.
Stop Running
Worrying, worrying, worrying! A friend brought this passage to my attention a few weeks ago and it hasn't left my head: "They that hate you shall have dominion over you; and you shall flee when none pursues you." Leviticus 26:17
"They that hate you shall have dominion over you." He pointed out that this is like handing over the keys of your house to someone who hates you and saying, "Here are all the things I care about. Have at it!"
When we fret and worry, we invite evil into our lives. We invite all these bad thoughts in, and turn over our emotional state to someone who hates us.
"I feel awful. Come in, come in! Make me feel worse! Wreck my entire house!"
Do you remember when you were a child and you felt like the world was ending, and then your mom gave you a snack and you felt better? Like instantly? Or maybe you've forgotten, but observed a baby screaming and then food is presented and immediately they're fine.
As a parent you can watch and see that the world is ending for your child. You know that dinner will be ready in ten minutes and your child will be fine. But they can't see that. They can't see that in a matter of minutes whatever they think is horribly wrong with the world won't even matter as soon as they get some food in them. As a parent it's probably pretty easy to dismiss the meltdown.
But if we put ourselves in the place of the child, and the Lord in the place of the parent. Does He ever dismiss out meltdowns? I doubt it. I bet He cares, even if He can see that we'll be fine in a week/month/year/5 years.
A parent can foresee that their child will be fine once they've eaten, slept, or even just obeyed. In the same way, but with infinitely more love and patience, He is looking down at us knowing we'll be okay. It will work out so much better if we obey His Word, obey His loving commandments!
He can foresee that this anxiety I'm having will pass. He can see that this is a minor thing compared to eternity. I can see that too. When I stop to look at my life, I can see that wondering if anyone has ordered gray paint is not that important. And that perspective can remind me not to worry. But the Lord also doesn't want us to feel bad for feeling bad.
Back to the small child tantruming about supper not being ready. Imagine if the child could reflect on its actions. Given enough rationality and thought, maybe the child could reflect and realize that freaking out isn't going to help, in fact it might even delay dinner if mom is distracted by said child.
That's a good use of reflection, but sometimes reflection pushes into a dark place because we have given the keys of our mind over to someone who hates us. More common, I find, is that the child (adult) reflects, realizes they're being a pill about supper (life) and then gets really mad at themselves for tantruming over something so insignificant.
"You will run when none pursues you." We make life way more difficult on ourselves than necessary.
Reflection is good. It stops us from tantruming about dumb things. We should reflect and it helps us to turn and live a better life, but we do not need run when we aren't being pursued. We need to shun evils and live a better life. But a better life doesn't mean one of constant worry and looking over our shoulder for an enemy that isn't there.
Safeguard your home against such invasion. Kick out the evil from your home. Don't give evil spirits free reign on your mind. Don't run away from nothing. Calm down. The Lord is on your side.
"They that hate you shall have dominion over you." He pointed out that this is like handing over the keys of your house to someone who hates you and saying, "Here are all the things I care about. Have at it!"
When we fret and worry, we invite evil into our lives. We invite all these bad thoughts in, and turn over our emotional state to someone who hates us.
"I feel awful. Come in, come in! Make me feel worse! Wreck my entire house!"
Do you remember when you were a child and you felt like the world was ending, and then your mom gave you a snack and you felt better? Like instantly? Or maybe you've forgotten, but observed a baby screaming and then food is presented and immediately they're fine.
As a parent you can watch and see that the world is ending for your child. You know that dinner will be ready in ten minutes and your child will be fine. But they can't see that. They can't see that in a matter of minutes whatever they think is horribly wrong with the world won't even matter as soon as they get some food in them. As a parent it's probably pretty easy to dismiss the meltdown.
But if we put ourselves in the place of the child, and the Lord in the place of the parent. Does He ever dismiss out meltdowns? I doubt it. I bet He cares, even if He can see that we'll be fine in a week/month/year/5 years.
A parent can foresee that their child will be fine once they've eaten, slept, or even just obeyed. In the same way, but with infinitely more love and patience, He is looking down at us knowing we'll be okay. It will work out so much better if we obey His Word, obey His loving commandments!
He can foresee that this anxiety I'm having will pass. He can see that this is a minor thing compared to eternity. I can see that too. When I stop to look at my life, I can see that wondering if anyone has ordered gray paint is not that important. And that perspective can remind me not to worry. But the Lord also doesn't want us to feel bad for feeling bad.
Back to the small child tantruming about supper not being ready. Imagine if the child could reflect on its actions. Given enough rationality and thought, maybe the child could reflect and realize that freaking out isn't going to help, in fact it might even delay dinner if mom is distracted by said child.
That's a good use of reflection, but sometimes reflection pushes into a dark place because we have given the keys of our mind over to someone who hates us. More common, I find, is that the child (adult) reflects, realizes they're being a pill about supper (life) and then gets really mad at themselves for tantruming over something so insignificant.
"You will run when none pursues you." We make life way more difficult on ourselves than necessary.
Reflection is good. It stops us from tantruming about dumb things. We should reflect and it helps us to turn and live a better life, but we do not need run when we aren't being pursued. We need to shun evils and live a better life. But a better life doesn't mean one of constant worry and looking over our shoulder for an enemy that isn't there.
Safeguard your home against such invasion. Kick out the evil from your home. Don't give evil spirits free reign on your mind. Don't run away from nothing. Calm down. The Lord is on your side.
Worrying solves everything.
I have discovered that worrying solves everything.
I have a lot to get done in the next week and a half. And worrying about it is definitely helping. The more I worry, the more I get done. It certainly doesn't cripple me in a ball of fear and worry. No, if no one shows up to help I will panic and stop breathing. It's worked so well in the past.
When I have lots to do, the thing to do is to complain about it and make sure everyone else knows that I am majorly stressed out. It does them a world of good too. Because then they're thinking about me and how stressed I am and it's making them stressed which is what they need in their lives. For sure. I'm doing them a service. And on top of that, I'm getting them to think about me instead of themselves which, if you think about it, is really an extra service to them.
And you know what else? When I don't know the future, and I don't know what my life will look like in a year, or even in a month it definitely helps if I get caught up in thinking and worrying about it. It's not like worrying ever hurt anyone. My shoulders aren't carrying lots of stress and tension. I haven't forgotten how to breathe. Breathing isn't important anyhow.
My life works best when I trust no one. Rely on no one. Freak out. Assume everything will fall apart if I'm not there micromanaging.
Yes, I am sure that I have this life thing figured out.
#winning #notsarcastic #100%real
Matthew 6:25-34
I have a lot to get done in the next week and a half. And worrying about it is definitely helping. The more I worry, the more I get done. It certainly doesn't cripple me in a ball of fear and worry. No, if no one shows up to help I will panic and stop breathing. It's worked so well in the past.
When I have lots to do, the thing to do is to complain about it and make sure everyone else knows that I am majorly stressed out. It does them a world of good too. Because then they're thinking about me and how stressed I am and it's making them stressed which is what they need in their lives. For sure. I'm doing them a service. And on top of that, I'm getting them to think about me instead of themselves which, if you think about it, is really an extra service to them.
And you know what else? When I don't know the future, and I don't know what my life will look like in a year, or even in a month it definitely helps if I get caught up in thinking and worrying about it. It's not like worrying ever hurt anyone. My shoulders aren't carrying lots of stress and tension. I haven't forgotten how to breathe. Breathing isn't important anyhow.
My life works best when I trust no one. Rely on no one. Freak out. Assume everything will fall apart if I'm not there micromanaging.
Yes, I am sure that I have this life thing figured out.
#winning #notsarcastic #100%real
Matthew 6:25-34
Don't Bleed Out.
Ripping off the bandaid hurts. It's not like slowly peeling it off is painful but if you just rip it off it stops hurting.
I'm trying to wean myself off of caffeine. Withdrawal is real. Quitting cold turkey is not ripping off the bandaid. It still hurts. Evil is like that too. Only you can't wean yourself off of evil, or can you?
Does the Lord let us slowly realize our evils and slowly help us remove them? Yes. He knows that if we were to quit all evil at once we would die. He lets the wheat and the tares grow together. He bends us, not breaks us. Little by little (Matthew 13:24-30, Isaiah 42:3, Exodus 23:30).
So when is the bandaid analogy apt?
I think that people think that it will stop hurting if you just rip off the bandaid. But that's not how it works. It's more like a wound that cannot heal with a bandaid on it. The bandaid isn't a solution. It's a problem. It's gonna hurt as long as it's there. And it's gonna hurt however you choose to remove it. Slow or swift the bandaid removal will hurt. And guess what? It will continue to hurt. Even after the bandaid is gone. But that wound cannot begin to heal if the bandaid stays.
But even so, changing the analogy a little bit, if you get stabbed or pierced you are not supposed to pull the thing out of you. If you do, you'll just bleed out. You have to wait until you're equipped to handle it. Like wait till you're at the hospital or until you are prepared to deal with copious amounts of blood pouring from you. If you don't have help, or can't deal with it yet, it's a bad idea to pull the knife out or you'll just bleed out and die.
So, I don't know. I'm mixing analogies, but I guess I don't understand the bandaid one. Cause bandaids are supposed to be helpful, not harmful. Why is there all this discussion about ripping them off?
Maybe it's because they are helpful. They cover a hurt from getting worse. But if you never changed that bandaid, or tried to keep in on forever then it would start to infect your skin and be really nasty. So you just gotta rip off that little strip of sticky plastic that was once helpful but is now just gathering dirt and dead skin and making you feel sick when you look at it.
Don't bleed out. But don't let infections fester. Breathe.
I'm trying to wean myself off of caffeine. Withdrawal is real. Quitting cold turkey is not ripping off the bandaid. It still hurts. Evil is like that too. Only you can't wean yourself off of evil, or can you?
Does the Lord let us slowly realize our evils and slowly help us remove them? Yes. He knows that if we were to quit all evil at once we would die. He lets the wheat and the tares grow together. He bends us, not breaks us. Little by little (Matthew 13:24-30, Isaiah 42:3, Exodus 23:30).
So when is the bandaid analogy apt?
I think that people think that it will stop hurting if you just rip off the bandaid. But that's not how it works. It's more like a wound that cannot heal with a bandaid on it. The bandaid isn't a solution. It's a problem. It's gonna hurt as long as it's there. And it's gonna hurt however you choose to remove it. Slow or swift the bandaid removal will hurt. And guess what? It will continue to hurt. Even after the bandaid is gone. But that wound cannot begin to heal if the bandaid stays.
But even so, changing the analogy a little bit, if you get stabbed or pierced you are not supposed to pull the thing out of you. If you do, you'll just bleed out. You have to wait until you're equipped to handle it. Like wait till you're at the hospital or until you are prepared to deal with copious amounts of blood pouring from you. If you don't have help, or can't deal with it yet, it's a bad idea to pull the knife out or you'll just bleed out and die.
So, I don't know. I'm mixing analogies, but I guess I don't understand the bandaid one. Cause bandaids are supposed to be helpful, not harmful. Why is there all this discussion about ripping them off?
Maybe it's because they are helpful. They cover a hurt from getting worse. But if you never changed that bandaid, or tried to keep in on forever then it would start to infect your skin and be really nasty. So you just gotta rip off that little strip of sticky plastic that was once helpful but is now just gathering dirt and dead skin and making you feel sick when you look at it.
Don't bleed out. But don't let infections fester. Breathe.
The Only Love You Need
It is easy to feel alone in this world. Even surrounded by good people it can still feel like there's a lot of hard in the world. And, at least for me, it can feel really lonely. Even when people love me, I can feel really alone. So while out walking I had a really obvious realization:
The only love I need is the Lord’s love.
Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.
Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?
No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.
He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.
His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.
But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.
Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.
But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.
He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.
"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).
The only love I need is the Lord’s love.
Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.
Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?
No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.
He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.
His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.
But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.
Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.
But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.
He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.
"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).
No Agenda
I keep thinking my blog posts have to have an agenda, or cover something, or talk about what's going on in my life. None of those things are wrong, but I created this blog to write. And if I'm worried about filling some specific agenda I don't write.
So today, I am going to write the crap and not care if this post does nothing.
Sometimes I just want nothing.
Life is busy. So many things to do, so I'm avoiding them. Jk. I'm not even. I just paused writing this to send a few more emails and texts and add something to my to-do list. Haha. I can't even avoid anything.
I'm sitting at Starbucks. My eyes are tired. I should probably nap, but if I know me, I won't.
I have to go food shopping. I'm going to visit a friend. I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to chill.
In other news, I think I'm kinda broken. Maybe not, but I've trained myself not to cry for so long that crying when tears press on my eyes feels super weird, but I'm trying to re-train myself and just let the tears come when they push to get out.
So now I cry always. Like way too much. Not about anything either. Pretty music at church? Boom! Tears. Reading TCR? Boom! Tears. Like multiple times. In public!! Thinking about tears? Boom! Tears! Stress in my shoulders creating massive headache inducing stress? Boom! Tears.
All the songs from Wicked are stuck in my head. Not actually, just all the good ones. "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!" "And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend!"
Sometimes when I start writing I get on to something and then I write something interesting. This time it's a total random.
Hello world, time to go buy some veggies!
So today, I am going to write the crap and not care if this post does nothing.
Sometimes I just want nothing.
Life is busy. So many things to do, so I'm avoiding them. Jk. I'm not even. I just paused writing this to send a few more emails and texts and add something to my to-do list. Haha. I can't even avoid anything.
I'm sitting at Starbucks. My eyes are tired. I should probably nap, but if I know me, I won't.
I have to go food shopping. I'm going to visit a friend. I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to chill.
In other news, I think I'm kinda broken. Maybe not, but I've trained myself not to cry for so long that crying when tears press on my eyes feels super weird, but I'm trying to re-train myself and just let the tears come when they push to get out.
So now I cry always. Like way too much. Not about anything either. Pretty music at church? Boom! Tears. Reading TCR? Boom! Tears. Like multiple times. In public!! Thinking about tears? Boom! Tears! Stress in my shoulders creating massive headache inducing stress? Boom! Tears.
All the songs from Wicked are stuck in my head. Not actually, just all the good ones. "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!" "And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend!"
Sometimes when I start writing I get on to something and then I write something interesting. This time it's a total random.
Hello world, time to go buy some veggies!
Wicked
I have lived in the Philly area for the past 18 and a half years. I have visited Philly a few times for various things, but I'm not really a city girl. But still, having lived right between two major U.S. cities for 18 years, you would think that I would have visited New York or D.C. but you would be wrong.
I am also a fan of music and musicals. Well, at least well done ones.... I loved seeing the Phantom of the Opera and The Scarlet Pimpernel in Philly, but never have I ever been to Broadway.
Until now.
My 30th birthday was in January. Yeah, like forever ago. And a very dear friend decided it was time that I went to NYC and Broadway, so she got contributions from my friends and bought me two Broadway tickets so I could go with a friend at some point.
Well, life got busy. Now it's November, and finally, yesterday, I went to NYC. Now, as previously said, I'm not a city girl, I would have been on my phone all day with my gps open and it probably would not have been that great a trip. But I brought my friend Leanna with me and she knows her way around!
I didn't choose her for her navigation skills. I chose her because she's fantastic human who I love and feel completely comfortable with. Indeed it wasn't until we were on the train to the city and wandering the streets of Manhattan that I realized just how much she knows her way around. She had all these ideas for fun and/or iconic things to see in the city within an easy walking distance of the station. Even so, according to my phone, we spent just about 3 hours of the day walking, and walked over 20,800 steps!
We went St Patrick's Cathedral, Time Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Fika - a Swedish pastry shop, Dylan's Candy Bar, The East River, The Little Beet, and of course the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked.
I really enjoyed seeing some of the iconic places like Time Square and Central Park, but I have to say, my favorite things were random little places Leanna found. Fika was one of my favorite places because it was just a cute little cultural nook. We got cardamon rolls and I got spicy hot chocolate which is one of my favorite drinks! Now I with I need to visit Scandinavia!
We went a lot of places, and Wicked inspired all the feels! And I have to say, it was quite something rushing the train at the end of the day!
All in all, it was one lovely day in the Big Apple with a great friend!
I am also a fan of music and musicals. Well, at least well done ones.... I loved seeing the Phantom of the Opera and The Scarlet Pimpernel in Philly, but never have I ever been to Broadway.
Until now.
My 30th birthday was in January. Yeah, like forever ago. And a very dear friend decided it was time that I went to NYC and Broadway, so she got contributions from my friends and bought me two Broadway tickets so I could go with a friend at some point.
Well, life got busy. Now it's November, and finally, yesterday, I went to NYC. Now, as previously said, I'm not a city girl, I would have been on my phone all day with my gps open and it probably would not have been that great a trip. But I brought my friend Leanna with me and she knows her way around!
I didn't choose her for her navigation skills. I chose her because she's fantastic human who I love and feel completely comfortable with. Indeed it wasn't until we were on the train to the city and wandering the streets of Manhattan that I realized just how much she knows her way around. She had all these ideas for fun and/or iconic things to see in the city within an easy walking distance of the station. Even so, according to my phone, we spent just about 3 hours of the day walking, and walked over 20,800 steps!
We went St Patrick's Cathedral, Time Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Fika - a Swedish pastry shop, Dylan's Candy Bar, The East River, The Little Beet, and of course the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked.
I really enjoyed seeing some of the iconic places like Time Square and Central Park, but I have to say, my favorite things were random little places Leanna found. Fika was one of my favorite places because it was just a cute little cultural nook. We got cardamon rolls and I got spicy hot chocolate which is one of my favorite drinks! Now I with I need to visit Scandinavia!
We went a lot of places, and Wicked inspired all the feels! And I have to say, it was quite something rushing the train at the end of the day!
All in all, it was one lovely day in the Big Apple with a great friend!
Does God favor the believers?
If God loves everyone, why does He provide more for some and less for others? What is the determining factor in who gets what?
If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?
Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?
Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?
If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?
I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.
Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?
I just had a thought, bear with me.
You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."
Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!
But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.
Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?
Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?
If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?
Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?
Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?
If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?
I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.
Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?
I just had a thought, bear with me.
You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."
Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!
But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.
Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?
Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?
Just Breathe
"Just breathe," he says.
But I can't, because the colors are closing in around me. I can't even describe what colors they are, because there are too many and too close. I can't distinguish between them anymore, and my breathing is shallow. Or maybe it's not even there anymore.
I don't remember the last time I took a breath. And I am dizzy. Too much is pressing in on me and the colors are swirling faster and faster. I can't focus on anything. I have to make it stop. My head is going to explode.
"Just breathe," he says again.
And one rickety breath escapes my lungs.
But my mind is still a fog. I want to collapse because there is no breath in me, but instead I start running. Running from the mess of colors trapping me in. I feel sick, and there is a tightness in my chest, but I must keep running.
All of the sudden water is pouring over me and I'm coughing and spitting it out. It's like I ran in to a waterfall that wasn't there. And I look around me, trying to find the source but I cannot see. The water is flooding over me and at last I try to gasp for air but all I get is a mouth full of water and I'm coughing and sputtering and I double over trying to find dryness to breathe in, but the water is choking me. I am drowning.
"Don't stop. Keep going."
But the water is pounding down on me, knocking me off my feet. I am on my knees, trying to crawl out of this mess but I am so wet that I am more liquid than solid and I can't crawl. I feel like I am oozing.
And then I am falling. Sliding, being carried along by this strong current. I'm not sure if this is pleasant or miserable. I still don't know if I'm liquid or solid, but I am moving. I had tried to move forward, but now I was being washed away. Down didn't seem like the right direction, but at least I was moving. And as soon as I had this thought the water began rushing me up. The current was pushing me up until it spat me out on a dry bit of land and I coughed and at last sought the breath that I had put off taking.
In with one great gulp and my brain begins to clear.
But I can't, because the colors are closing in around me. I can't even describe what colors they are, because there are too many and too close. I can't distinguish between them anymore, and my breathing is shallow. Or maybe it's not even there anymore.
I don't remember the last time I took a breath. And I am dizzy. Too much is pressing in on me and the colors are swirling faster and faster. I can't focus on anything. I have to make it stop. My head is going to explode.
"Just breathe," he says again.
And one rickety breath escapes my lungs.
But my mind is still a fog. I want to collapse because there is no breath in me, but instead I start running. Running from the mess of colors trapping me in. I feel sick, and there is a tightness in my chest, but I must keep running.
All of the sudden water is pouring over me and I'm coughing and spitting it out. It's like I ran in to a waterfall that wasn't there. And I look around me, trying to find the source but I cannot see. The water is flooding over me and at last I try to gasp for air but all I get is a mouth full of water and I'm coughing and sputtering and I double over trying to find dryness to breathe in, but the water is choking me. I am drowning.
"Don't stop. Keep going."
But the water is pounding down on me, knocking me off my feet. I am on my knees, trying to crawl out of this mess but I am so wet that I am more liquid than solid and I can't crawl. I feel like I am oozing.
And then I am falling. Sliding, being carried along by this strong current. I'm not sure if this is pleasant or miserable. I still don't know if I'm liquid or solid, but I am moving. I had tried to move forward, but now I was being washed away. Down didn't seem like the right direction, but at least I was moving. And as soon as I had this thought the water began rushing me up. The current was pushing me up until it spat me out on a dry bit of land and I coughed and at last sought the breath that I had put off taking.
In with one great gulp and my brain begins to clear.
Koselig!
I love fall. Yesterday I walked along the trail appreciating the golden leaves against the bright blue sky. It's one of my favorite times of year!
Today I am sitting at Starbucks looking out at a gray and damp parking lot. All the tress I can see are completely bare of leaves. On all accounts it is a dreary day.
And I love it. It's probably because I'm listening to Christmas music, and planning Christmassy things. It's November 13. And it's a Monday. So begins another week. So begins another cold and dark season. But it thrills me!
Monday should be depressing. But dude! New beginnings (yeah, I know the week begins on Sunday). And yeah, this weather heralds the death of all things. Cold, miserable months ahead, right?
But that doesn't have to be the attitude. And I know, I'm one to talk. I still have a hard time accepting humidity, so I get that gray and rainy isn't for everyone. But every year I get more and more into the Scandinavian ideas of coziness. Koselig and Hygge are my new favorite words!
I don't love winter because it's cold and gross. I love it because it's cozy! Fires and friends, and hot chocolate and the hushed sounds of falling snow.
Yes, today on this cold and rainy day I am looking forward to it getting even colder!
Today I am sitting at Starbucks looking out at a gray and damp parking lot. All the tress I can see are completely bare of leaves. On all accounts it is a dreary day.
And I love it. It's probably because I'm listening to Christmas music, and planning Christmassy things. It's November 13. And it's a Monday. So begins another week. So begins another cold and dark season. But it thrills me!
Monday should be depressing. But dude! New beginnings (yeah, I know the week begins on Sunday). And yeah, this weather heralds the death of all things. Cold, miserable months ahead, right?
But that doesn't have to be the attitude. And I know, I'm one to talk. I still have a hard time accepting humidity, so I get that gray and rainy isn't for everyone. But every year I get more and more into the Scandinavian ideas of coziness. Koselig and Hygge are my new favorite words!
I don't love winter because it's cold and gross. I love it because it's cozy! Fires and friends, and hot chocolate and the hushed sounds of falling snow.
Yes, today on this cold and rainy day I am looking forward to it getting even colder!
Prayer Candle
I pray all the time. I still don't think it's enough.
Sometime I kinda feel like I just have an open dialogue with the Lord. If I say something, I know He hears me. I do try to be in a humble and receptive state when I pray, but I think that waiting to pray until you can be in a space or humility sometimes means I'm just avoiding praying.
So, long story short, I try to pray all the time. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I talk to the Lord when I need Him, which is always.
But I also do like the protected space. I'm not throwing one out. I love church on Sunday for being with people when I pray. But sometimes, when life is overwhelming, I light a candle and lie on the floor.
Sometime I kinda feel like I just have an open dialogue with the Lord. If I say something, I know He hears me. I do try to be in a humble and receptive state when I pray, but I think that waiting to pray until you can be in a space or humility sometimes means I'm just avoiding praying.
So, long story short, I try to pray all the time. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I talk to the Lord when I need Him, which is always.
But I also do like the protected space. I'm not throwing one out. I love church on Sunday for being with people when I pray. But sometimes, when life is overwhelming, I light a candle and lie on the floor.
Offspring and talents
I am sitting here with one friend's child in my lap, and another friend's poem in my heart.
Creation is amazing! I think about this squishy child who keeps whacking my keyboard and where she came from? It's crazy! Crazy I tell you!
But what of words? When someone writes something that goes straight to your heart? The way a child's warm hug touches you?
Or the embracing words that wrap your heart in safety, the way a child's laughter nestles round your heart.
There are brush strokes of a painting when all I did was to pick up the brush.
The Lord creates though us. We are not the creators of any of it. All of these things are straight from the Divine, filtered through us. A gift from Him. And a gift to others.
It is Him and not we ourselves. He creates for us, but He cannot unless we lift the brush, open the laptop, or breathe the words.
I am struck today by the myriad gifts He gives us. I think I am often stuck in thinking that because the gift of human life is the best gift that the other ones are negligible.
It is like the parable of the talents. If the Lord gives us a gift, we should use it. It doesn't matter the gifts He has given to others. The Lord has given goodness to all of us and it's up to us to do something with that!
Creation is amazing! I think about this squishy child who keeps whacking my keyboard and where she came from? It's crazy! Crazy I tell you!
But what of words? When someone writes something that goes straight to your heart? The way a child's warm hug touches you?
Or the embracing words that wrap your heart in safety, the way a child's laughter nestles round your heart.
There are brush strokes of a painting when all I did was to pick up the brush.
The Lord creates though us. We are not the creators of any of it. All of these things are straight from the Divine, filtered through us. A gift from Him. And a gift to others.
It is Him and not we ourselves. He creates for us, but He cannot unless we lift the brush, open the laptop, or breathe the words.
I am struck today by the myriad gifts He gives us. I think I am often stuck in thinking that because the gift of human life is the best gift that the other ones are negligible.
It is like the parable of the talents. If the Lord gives us a gift, we should use it. It doesn't matter the gifts He has given to others. The Lord has given goodness to all of us and it's up to us to do something with that!
Listening Heart
Doing things is overwhelming.
You know that feeling when you have so many things going on that you're sure you'll forget something?
I felt that way last night. Like something was about to be forgotten but I didn't know what. I usually write stuff down so that I don't forget things. But what if I forget to write stuff down?!
Luckily I didn't lie awake fretting. I was able to sleep last night, and this morning I got a bunch of things done. Okay, maybe like two things done, but even just accomplishing one thing made life feel much more manageable.
One thing got done, and suddenly my brain was like "It's all good!"
It also helps that today is gross and rainy. Haha. Like for real, today is cozy and amazing.
There is a crackling fire behind me and someone bought me pizza and listened to me.
I don't think I really understood the value of listening until this summer/fall. I mean, I always knew it was important. So maybe I didn't really understand what listening was until someone actually listened to me.
If you don't know what listening is I'm not sure that I can explain it, because I really thought I understood it before now, but now I'm not so sure.
I guess there is a listening where someone's eyes glaze over, or they say something like "When you are talking I have to think about other things or I'll fall asleep." But there is also a listening where you can see affection in the other person's eyes, and concern and care, and you know that they are listening not just with their ears but with their eyes and heart.
It is a gift to be heard.
I sat and ate pizza on a rainy day and someone listened to me and cared. And the world feels brighter.
You know that feeling when you have so many things going on that you're sure you'll forget something?
I felt that way last night. Like something was about to be forgotten but I didn't know what. I usually write stuff down so that I don't forget things. But what if I forget to write stuff down?!
Luckily I didn't lie awake fretting. I was able to sleep last night, and this morning I got a bunch of things done. Okay, maybe like two things done, but even just accomplishing one thing made life feel much more manageable.
One thing got done, and suddenly my brain was like "It's all good!"
It also helps that today is gross and rainy. Haha. Like for real, today is cozy and amazing.
There is a crackling fire behind me and someone bought me pizza and listened to me.
I don't think I really understood the value of listening until this summer/fall. I mean, I always knew it was important. So maybe I didn't really understand what listening was until someone actually listened to me.
If you don't know what listening is I'm not sure that I can explain it, because I really thought I understood it before now, but now I'm not so sure.
I guess there is a listening where someone's eyes glaze over, or they say something like "When you are talking I have to think about other things or I'll fall asleep." But there is also a listening where you can see affection in the other person's eyes, and concern and care, and you know that they are listening not just with their ears but with their eyes and heart.
It is a gift to be heard.
I sat and ate pizza on a rainy day and someone listened to me and cared. And the world feels brighter.
Write something boring.
What do I want to write today? I don't know, but I know I want to write something!
I've been having fun looking at different layouts and gadgets and what nots for my blog. That's fun!
I often feel like I have to write a certain thing, or change up what I write about. But usually just writing whatever I feel like writing is the most useful. For me, and I think for others.
A friend once said that all you have to do is write the truth and people will relate.
Sometimes the truth is great. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's boring, haha.
I'm really enjoying the random color sketches I've written. Just two so far, but somehow writing about my interaction with colors and the colors interactions with each other has been a really cool exercise and it has taught me about trust.
I wanted write another one but my thought process went something like this: Nah. I can't write about the same thing again. I should write another blog post that isn't some weird undefined thing.
But really I think I should just write what I want to write, and write when I want to write. I mean, usually I frown upon just doing whatever you feel like. Thought is good. But I think that the worst case scenario for just writing whatever is that I write something boring. Cause even if I wrote something hurtful or evil anyone reading it would be able to look at it and have their own thoughts about it, and they might even be useful thoughts.
So, worst case scenario, anyone reading this is like "Hmm, waste of time" and they stop reading it.
I'm okay with that.
I've been having fun looking at different layouts and gadgets and what nots for my blog. That's fun!
I often feel like I have to write a certain thing, or change up what I write about. But usually just writing whatever I feel like writing is the most useful. For me, and I think for others.
A friend once said that all you have to do is write the truth and people will relate.
Sometimes the truth is great. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's boring, haha.
I'm really enjoying the random color sketches I've written. Just two so far, but somehow writing about my interaction with colors and the colors interactions with each other has been a really cool exercise and it has taught me about trust.
I wanted write another one but my thought process went something like this: Nah. I can't write about the same thing again. I should write another blog post that isn't some weird undefined thing.
But really I think I should just write what I want to write, and write when I want to write. I mean, usually I frown upon just doing whatever you feel like. Thought is good. But I think that the worst case scenario for just writing whatever is that I write something boring. Cause even if I wrote something hurtful or evil anyone reading it would be able to look at it and have their own thoughts about it, and they might even be useful thoughts.
So, worst case scenario, anyone reading this is like "Hmm, waste of time" and they stop reading it.
I'm okay with that.
Look Up!
The redness is back. It's dark this time. Not the bright throbbing glow that drew me last time. It's a deep beautiful red. Is it even the same?
The redness is back and it's pulling me again.
I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?
The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.
I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.
There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.
"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.
This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.
Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.
But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.
But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.
Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.
There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.
"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.
"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.
Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.
"Look up." The voice said.
I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.
"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."
"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.
But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.
But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.
"Look up."
In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.
But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.
It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.
The redness is back and it's pulling me again.
I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?
The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.
I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.
There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.
"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.
This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.
Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.
But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.
But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.
Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.
There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.
"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.
"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.
Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.
"Look up." The voice said.
I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.
"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."
"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.
But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.
But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.
"Look up."
In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.
But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.
It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.
Curved brick wall
Sunlight stripes the red brick wall. The once light grey mortar is stained black with age. It is a pleasing wall. It curves gently from the building around to where I am sitting and continues around the curve of the patio. In one sunlit patch of wall I can see spider webs catching the light. Stands of silver adorn the wall. Nature's gift to this manmade structure. A less graceful adornment is the bits of bird poop scattered about on top of the wall and streaking the sides.
It is way too warm for November, nevertheless I am enjoying sitting outside on this slightly overcast day with this brick wall for company. Right now he is holding my chai, because I have a paranoia about liquid being too near my computer. I'm klutzy and I don't want my computer to pay the price for my folly. So my computer is placed on this round little table, and my chai is keeping its distance. Thank you, obliging red wall.
Little brown birds are visiting the wall too. They're certainly not here for me. Every once in awhile I forget that they are there and hum along to the Christmas music in my ears and they flitter away. One is much braver than the other. He has come back a few times, hopping up the levels of the wall, probably looking for stray crumbs.
It is way too warm for November, nevertheless I am enjoying sitting outside on this slightly overcast day with this brick wall for company. Right now he is holding my chai, because I have a paranoia about liquid being too near my computer. I'm klutzy and I don't want my computer to pay the price for my folly. So my computer is placed on this round little table, and my chai is keeping its distance. Thank you, obliging red wall.
Little brown birds are visiting the wall too. They're certainly not here for me. Every once in awhile I forget that they are there and hum along to the Christmas music in my ears and they flitter away. One is much braver than the other. He has come back a few times, hopping up the levels of the wall, probably looking for stray crumbs.
Avoidance and Major Ramblings
But it's easier to avoid these things.
It's easier to avoid everything.
I'm staring at my nearly empty desk. It's Author's Day, apparently.
Am I an author? Will I ever be an author? When I look at my writing I am sure that it is not good enough and I have so much to improve. This thought should be inspiring, but today it is depressing:
If I am not good enough, whose fault is that but my own? The only way that I will get good at writing is to write.
But for some reason I have no motivation today. I am wondering what the point of it all is? Why do anything?
Do you believe in spoilers? I hate spoilers. I hate knowing how things are going to end or what thing might happen in the middle. I like guessing and wondering at it, and if I know what's gonna happen my motivation dies.
It's weird, cause there are books that I love to read over and over again, even though I know how it's going to end, but if the first time through someone tells me some big plot point I get really upset and sometimes don't finish the book. Maybe that's a fault of mine that I need to work on.
Maybe I like suspense, though I hate thrillers.
Maybe I am just rambling because I am trying to avoid my actual writing for today and avoid my thoughts.
Are there spoilers for life? If you KNOW that you are going to get a job would that change how you approach it? Would you be so confident that you would ace the interview or whatever? Or would you not even show up for the interview because you KNOW you are going to get it no matter what?
It's a silly hypothesis because we cannot know the future. We cannot and we should not.
"The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainly." There is some debate on the internet about who said this quote. I'm sure I could figure it out, but who said it isn't important to me right now.
You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You.
I was listening to Ingrid Michaelson and this line from the song "Are We There Yet" struck me.
They say you're really not somebody
Until somebody else loves you
Well, I am waiting to make somebody
Somebody soon
So often we feel for ourselves. We are usually the first person we think about. You're nobody till somebody loves you is kinda a crappy phrase. We're supposed to be people even if there isn't someone loving us. But the truth is that there are probably people loving us, even if we don't always feel it, and I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that we really don't feel like somebody until somebody loves us.
I know that I am supposed to do things and be useful no matter what other people think of me. My validity as a useful person should not depend on other people's opinion. I like this meme I found a while ago:
I probably shouldn't mind so much what people think of me. But on the other hand, "Man is born, not for the sake of himself but for the sake of others" so my value and usefulness to other people should matter!
I know what it's all getting at. If people can't see your value you still need to keep moving forward and trying and all that, but I also think, no, I know that when other people value me I feel way more inspired.
This blog for one. If I am writing merely as an outlet for my thoughts, that's helpful to me. I process by writing and come out better for it, but when I know that other people read and are affected by what I write I am way more inspired to write.
In any area of my life, if I receive great encouragement, I feel way more valuable and my productivity increases and I become more valuable to other people and to my self.
So, back to Ingrid Michaelson, or really further back. I'm not gonna look up the origin of that phrase just now. So are we anybody if we're not loved? Well, short story, the Lord loves us, so we are loved and we are somebody! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you!"
But I also want to look at the second half of that stanza.
I know that I am supposed to do things and be useful no matter what other people think of me. My validity as a useful person should not depend on other people's opinion. I like this meme I found a while ago:
It's a useful reminder to me. But here's a question: does our value increase if someone does see our worth?
I probably shouldn't mind so much what people think of me. But on the other hand, "Man is born, not for the sake of himself but for the sake of others" so my value and usefulness to other people should matter!
I know what it's all getting at. If people can't see your value you still need to keep moving forward and trying and all that, but I also think, no, I know that when other people value me I feel way more inspired.
This blog for one. If I am writing merely as an outlet for my thoughts, that's helpful to me. I process by writing and come out better for it, but when I know that other people read and are affected by what I write I am way more inspired to write.
In any area of my life, if I receive great encouragement, I feel way more valuable and my productivity increases and I become more valuable to other people and to my self.
So, back to Ingrid Michaelson, or really further back. I'm not gonna look up the origin of that phrase just now. So are we anybody if we're not loved? Well, short story, the Lord loves us, so we are loved and we are somebody! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you!"
But I also want to look at the second half of that stanza.
Well, I am waiting to make somebody
Somebody soon
This is the part that really stuck me.
It's easy to feel that we want people in our lives because they love and encourage us, it's another thing entirely to be that for someone else. I can't always tell if I'm doing a good job of supporting and encouraging my friends, but the times when I can help out a friend or a stranger is when I feel truly human.
It's easy to feel that we want people in our lives because they love and encourage us, it's another thing entirely to be that for someone else. I can't always tell if I'm doing a good job of supporting and encouraging my friends, but the times when I can help out a friend or a stranger is when I feel truly human.
And my heart feels...
Sometimes my heart wants out of my chest. Because it is full and cannot fit and it’s this excited bubbling feeling. Sometimes it wants out because it’s sick and tired of feeling and just wants to run away. I want to run with it to a place where I don’t have to care.
Where I don’t have to care about all the pain in the world. The innocent people afflicted with sickness, the friends fighting and fighting and continually being assailed by the hells.
I can feel my heart trying to escape. It is easier to shut it down and hide it away from hurt. But that is a miserable existence. More miserable than the ache that is ripping my chest in two. I can feel my heart trying to shatter into all the shards. But it is stronger than that. I hear a voice saying “Just a little longer!”
And I believe it. My heart begins to settle. It’s not trying to get away. It is starting to feel safe.
Moments ago it was trying to run away. To avoid the pain but also to avoid getting trapped in. For a moment I could see from inside my heart. Trapped in a dark box watching as the lid threatened to close. I could see the sliver of light as I threatened to lock my heart away in safety. But it pushed back.
“Let me feel! I am strong enough to feel. I don’t want to live in this safe and dark box. I want to breathe! Let me go!”
And my heart feels safe. It is being protected by a force I cannot see. But the walls around it are not dark and cold. They are golden and yielding.
And my heart feels safe. Someone is holding it gently, encouraging it, letting me breathe. The air returns to my lungs and I can feel my heart in my chest. It is no longer trying to escape. It knows it belongs. It is where it’s supposed to be. It’s not hiding. It’s not broken. It’s mending with golden light.
And my heart feels safe.
Where I don’t have to care about all the pain in the world. The innocent people afflicted with sickness, the friends fighting and fighting and continually being assailed by the hells.
I can feel my heart trying to escape. It is easier to shut it down and hide it away from hurt. But that is a miserable existence. More miserable than the ache that is ripping my chest in two. I can feel my heart trying to shatter into all the shards. But it is stronger than that. I hear a voice saying “Just a little longer!”
And I believe it. My heart begins to settle. It’s not trying to get away. It is starting to feel safe.
Moments ago it was trying to run away. To avoid the pain but also to avoid getting trapped in. For a moment I could see from inside my heart. Trapped in a dark box watching as the lid threatened to close. I could see the sliver of light as I threatened to lock my heart away in safety. But it pushed back.
“Let me feel! I am strong enough to feel. I don’t want to live in this safe and dark box. I want to breathe! Let me go!”
And my heart feels safe. It is being protected by a force I cannot see. But the walls around it are not dark and cold. They are golden and yielding.
And my heart feels safe. Someone is holding it gently, encouraging it, letting me breathe. The air returns to my lungs and I can feel my heart in my chest. It is no longer trying to escape. It knows it belongs. It is where it’s supposed to be. It’s not hiding. It’s not broken. It’s mending with golden light.
And my heart feels safe.
Broken.
It has been an emotional couple of days. I wrote about the burden of joy a few days ago, and then continued on to have a lovely weekend full of friends and good food. Kempton for autumn weekends. Riding an old timey train with some excited and cute niecephews. Lots of fantastic times with friends and family.
Monday was rougher. I heard some hard news about a child I used to babysit. She is one of the cutest children and I spent most of Monday unable to keep myself from crying. My eyes sting today with the pain of yesterday's tears.
I'm supposed to be working on another article but I cannot focus. I love writing and I hate editing. I like the freedom of a blog post for writing about anything. No theme. No thesis, but bumbling thoughts with no plan. I never edit my blog posts, other than occasionally glancing over for typos.
I hate that life has to be hard. One thing going wrong makes me feel a fear in all areas of life. Everything is up in the air and trust goes out the window. I want to say that one bad thing doesn't makes me trust the Lord less, but the feeling on my heart 3 days ago was peace and confidence in Him, and I still trust Him, but I don't feel very peaceful about it. It's not begrudging confidence, it's just not peaceful and happy.
And it makes me fear every possible thing. So, that's not really trust, is it?
I guess I'm ashamed to say that one child being sick makes my trust in the Lord falter. That's not something I care to admit, even just to myself, so here I am, processing my feelings on my blog, and admitting them to you, and figuring this out for myself at the same time.
I don't even want to write it, but today, if I'm really examining the thoughts rattling around in my head, I don't trust the Lord today. I don't hear Him, and I don't think His plan is safe.
Oof! What a thing to admit! What a broken lack of confidence! But writing takes honesty. Examining and recognizing these thoughts is the only way to get back to Him.
And of course, I know that the bad things are NOT His plan, but today I am hating freedom. I am hating that spiritual freedom allows innocent people to be harmed.
And that is not trust. It is doubting His eternal plan. It is doubt. It is fear. It is frustration and pain.
In September I wrote about wishing to trade places with others or wishing I could take their pain away, even if it meant taking it on myself, and I feel the same today.
It's cliche, but all I can think is that it's not fair. It doesn't make sense, and I am done with hell attacking people I love. I want to protect, and I just can't. It's too much. There is no solution.
Monday was rougher. I heard some hard news about a child I used to babysit. She is one of the cutest children and I spent most of Monday unable to keep myself from crying. My eyes sting today with the pain of yesterday's tears.
I'm supposed to be working on another article but I cannot focus. I love writing and I hate editing. I like the freedom of a blog post for writing about anything. No theme. No thesis, but bumbling thoughts with no plan. I never edit my blog posts, other than occasionally glancing over for typos.
I hate that life has to be hard. One thing going wrong makes me feel a fear in all areas of life. Everything is up in the air and trust goes out the window. I want to say that one bad thing doesn't makes me trust the Lord less, but the feeling on my heart 3 days ago was peace and confidence in Him, and I still trust Him, but I don't feel very peaceful about it. It's not begrudging confidence, it's just not peaceful and happy.
And it makes me fear every possible thing. So, that's not really trust, is it?
I guess I'm ashamed to say that one child being sick makes my trust in the Lord falter. That's not something I care to admit, even just to myself, so here I am, processing my feelings on my blog, and admitting them to you, and figuring this out for myself at the same time.
I don't even want to write it, but today, if I'm really examining the thoughts rattling around in my head, I don't trust the Lord today. I don't hear Him, and I don't think His plan is safe.
Oof! What a thing to admit! What a broken lack of confidence! But writing takes honesty. Examining and recognizing these thoughts is the only way to get back to Him.
And of course, I know that the bad things are NOT His plan, but today I am hating freedom. I am hating that spiritual freedom allows innocent people to be harmed.
And that is not trust. It is doubting His eternal plan. It is doubt. It is fear. It is frustration and pain.
In September I wrote about wishing to trade places with others or wishing I could take their pain away, even if it meant taking it on myself, and I feel the same today.
It's cliche, but all I can think is that it's not fair. It doesn't make sense, and I am done with hell attacking people I love. I want to protect, and I just can't. It's too much. There is no solution.
The burden of joy.
I think I'm a better writer when I'm sitting in a little bit of angst. When something gets under my skin the way to get it out is to write it out.
It's not always true, but I'm noticing a pattern. In fiction and in journaling when things are well I'm like "The sun is shining. October is beautiful. Life is great!" which there's nothing wrong with. I like being happy! But I just don't churn out words the same way.
When I'm processing some minor or large hurt I think my writing develops a bit of crunch to it that allows me to delve a little deeper into my soul.
And that isn't to say that hard things are deeper than happier things, but they do seem to be easier to write about.
Random thought: are hard things more vulnerable than happy things? Or are the really, truly happy things so locked up behind my vulnerability barrier that they never get written about?
It can definitely be hard to write or talk about a lovely hope, for fear of jinxing it, or someone bursting that bubble.
So maybe the bestest, truest happies are far more vulnerable than the sads. I don't know.
Today I am happy, so my writing is more relaxed and undefined.
Like, I want to write about how heavy my heart feels. Not a burdened heavy, but a solid fullness in my heart that is weighing in a good way. I can't describe it. It's easier for me to write about something weighing me down than the burden of joy. I can't describe it.
Suffice it to say that God is good.
It's not always true, but I'm noticing a pattern. In fiction and in journaling when things are well I'm like "The sun is shining. October is beautiful. Life is great!" which there's nothing wrong with. I like being happy! But I just don't churn out words the same way.
When I'm processing some minor or large hurt I think my writing develops a bit of crunch to it that allows me to delve a little deeper into my soul.
And that isn't to say that hard things are deeper than happier things, but they do seem to be easier to write about.
Random thought: are hard things more vulnerable than happy things? Or are the really, truly happy things so locked up behind my vulnerability barrier that they never get written about?
It can definitely be hard to write or talk about a lovely hope, for fear of jinxing it, or someone bursting that bubble.
So maybe the bestest, truest happies are far more vulnerable than the sads. I don't know.
Today I am happy, so my writing is more relaxed and undefined.
Like, I want to write about how heavy my heart feels. Not a burdened heavy, but a solid fullness in my heart that is weighing in a good way. I can't describe it. It's easier for me to write about something weighing me down than the burden of joy. I can't describe it.
Suffice it to say that God is good.
The choices we make
I can get bogged down in one single choice I make. Or even some thing that wasn't a choice but an accident or mistake. I'm trying to think of an example. I recently wrote about accidentally hurting someone. It really sucks how caught up I can get in one little thing. Heaping on blame isn't helpful. Sometimes it motivates us to change our ways and become better. We are supposed to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, but we don't have to hold on forever, wracked with guilt, unable to move forward.
I was struck by a beautiful piece of a story written by a friend. (You can read the whole expert here).
"We are not our injuries," she said with a measured voice. "We are not even the choices we make, for we can always make new choices."
That is what it's about, isn't it? Making new choices. Not getting stuck in guilt, but letting it be the spring board into better actions in the future!
Great Goodness.
This week has been full of great goodness. On Monday I got to catch up with a friend who always brings me out of myself. Without judgement she challenges my perspective and invites me to think from another point of view, while still accepting and cherishing my reality. It had been too long since we had connected and it was a wonderful thing that has been filling my heart.
On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!
Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.
I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.
You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.
Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.
The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.
This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.
Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!
There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.
On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!
Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.
I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.
You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.
Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.
The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.
This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.
Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!
There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.
Mansplaining
To start with, here are a few internet definitions of mansplain:
I think the Wikipedia definition is funny, specifically this wording "in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing." Regarded by whom?! I can find anything condescending if I want to!
Anyhow, regardless of what other people mean by it, I think it's dumb. Sorry people.
I, for one, am entirely sick of the condescending manner toward men! I don't care about the history of misogyny etc (I mean, I care, but setting that aside) it's absolutely no excuse to treat men as inferior. That's helping no one, especially not women! It's turning us into pretty unpleasant people to be around, and no WONDER women don't have much respect for the men around us when we have turned them into emasculated puppies.
This is not the world I want to live in. Sadly it is the world we live in, and I'm just gonna continue to do my part in supporting men and women in their God given strengths and loves.
Both men and women can be condescending and frustrating to talk to. Both men and women have things to offer to a conversation (I hope most people recognize that!)
And I almost forgot to say, I freaking LOVE mansplaining. Because while I value and appreciate both men and women's advice to me, there is something invaluable to me in having a man's perspective! A perspective that I, as a woman, CANNOT have. He is something that I am not, and something I value and respect because of the unique and wonderful capacities the Lord has given him.
Value your men, people. Value your men!
(of a man) explain (something) to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing. (Wikipedia)
A derisive and condescending term insultingly used by women when referring to a man that they are in a conversation with. The man's point is derided not because his reasoning is faulty or his evidence is unreliable; his point is derided simply on the basis of his gender. (Urban Dictionary)I'm sure there are lots of ways people use this word that are and are not covered by the above definitions.
I think the Wikipedia definition is funny, specifically this wording "in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing." Regarded by whom?! I can find anything condescending if I want to!
Anyhow, regardless of what other people mean by it, I think it's dumb. Sorry people.
I, for one, am entirely sick of the condescending manner toward men! I don't care about the history of misogyny etc (I mean, I care, but setting that aside) it's absolutely no excuse to treat men as inferior. That's helping no one, especially not women! It's turning us into pretty unpleasant people to be around, and no WONDER women don't have much respect for the men around us when we have turned them into emasculated puppies.
This is not the world I want to live in. Sadly it is the world we live in, and I'm just gonna continue to do my part in supporting men and women in their God given strengths and loves.
Both men and women can be condescending and frustrating to talk to. Both men and women have things to offer to a conversation (I hope most people recognize that!)
And I almost forgot to say, I freaking LOVE mansplaining. Because while I value and appreciate both men and women's advice to me, there is something invaluable to me in having a man's perspective! A perspective that I, as a woman, CANNOT have. He is something that I am not, and something I value and respect because of the unique and wonderful capacities the Lord has given him.
Value your men, people. Value your men!
Life keeps getting better
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Meaning, sometimes I don't like to talk about things for fear of jinxing them.
But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.
But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.
Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.
Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?
Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.
Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.
I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.
I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.
And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.
I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.
This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.
I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.
I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.
But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.
But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.
Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.
Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?
Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.
Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.
I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.
I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.
And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.
I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.
This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.
I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.
I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.
Have Confidence
I woke up at like 6:37 this morning. I was hoping to sleep in. I slept for less than 5 hours last night and I thrive on 8. I've been sick for like a week and really tired and drained. By all accounts I should be feeling pretty blah today.
But I feel amazing. Okay, I'm tired. For sure. But I got up this morning and went shopping. As I drove I marveled about how good a thing it is that I do not know the future. I don't know if random thoughts I have are correct or crazy. And that's okay. I went to Whole Foods to get more kombucha because I discovered grapefruit kombucha and it's amazing! I just found out it has sugar and caffeine... that might add to it's amazingness, but anyhow. I went shopping early on a Saturday and as I was coming out of the parking lot I ran in to a delightful father figure who swept me up in the most life giving papa bear hug and said to me "Well my day just got a lot better." And mine had too.
I decided to go to Starbucks for a quick coffee and the parking lot is notoriously crowded. I waited as a lady got in to her car and pulled out. I took her spot, got my coffee and then returned to my car. Just as I had waited, there was a car waiting for my spot. I cautiously backed out, careful not to hit them or any other cars in the over crowded lot. The person leaned on their horn for a good 30 seconds. Not a gentle "In case you didn't notice me, don't hit me." A solid, rude "Get the hell out of my way and don't you dare hit me!!" Kinda honk.
If I had been in a different mood I might have pulled back into the spot and just stayed there for awhile. But I paused, to let the person know that I had seen them, and continued my same cautious backing up, and then I pulled out of the parking lot as the car shot into my vacated spot.
I thought about how on any other day I might have been put in a kinda bummed out mood by that person's rudeness, but as I pulled out of the parking lot my thought was "I already got an amazing hug today, so I don't even need to care about that person's bad attitude.
As I was driving home, grateful for the start of this Saturday, this passage came in to my head:
But I feel amazing. Okay, I'm tired. For sure. But I got up this morning and went shopping. As I drove I marveled about how good a thing it is that I do not know the future. I don't know if random thoughts I have are correct or crazy. And that's okay. I went to Whole Foods to get more kombucha because I discovered grapefruit kombucha and it's amazing! I just found out it has sugar and caffeine... that might add to it's amazingness, but anyhow. I went shopping early on a Saturday and as I was coming out of the parking lot I ran in to a delightful father figure who swept me up in the most life giving papa bear hug and said to me "Well my day just got a lot better." And mine had too.
I decided to go to Starbucks for a quick coffee and the parking lot is notoriously crowded. I waited as a lady got in to her car and pulled out. I took her spot, got my coffee and then returned to my car. Just as I had waited, there was a car waiting for my spot. I cautiously backed out, careful not to hit them or any other cars in the over crowded lot. The person leaned on their horn for a good 30 seconds. Not a gentle "In case you didn't notice me, don't hit me." A solid, rude "Get the hell out of my way and don't you dare hit me!!" Kinda honk.
If I had been in a different mood I might have pulled back into the spot and just stayed there for awhile. But I paused, to let the person know that I had seen them, and continued my same cautious backing up, and then I pulled out of the parking lot as the car shot into my vacated spot.
I thought about how on any other day I might have been put in a kinda bummed out mood by that person's rudeness, but as I pulled out of the parking lot my thought was "I already got an amazing hug today, so I don't even need to care about that person's bad attitude.
As I was driving home, grateful for the start of this Saturday, this passage came in to my head:
"Have confidence. Arise. He calls thee." (Mark 10:49)I feel confidence in the Lord this morning. Confidence for the future and a peaceful contentment in waiting for the amazing future He has planned for me.
Ukuleles and bad dreams
I can't sleep. I wanted to nap, but I can't sleep. I think it's in part due to a facebook message I received that I really shouldn't allow to bother me, but it does. Because the person said something like "I used to be where you are" and proceeded to tell me where I am. I don't appreciate being told where I am. That's crossing some boundaries, dudette. Don't presume to know me when you don't.
I might also not be able to nap because I had coffee this morning. Bummer. I want sleep. Also, I had a weird dream last night. Usually emotions from dreams are quite poignant and can be invasive, but this one was so low key emotionally it's almost weird to me. But I guess I'm grateful that it's not weighing on me.
In other news, I haven't played ukulele for like 3 weeks. I left my uke at home when I was away for two weeks. Guess what? It's still in tune. I love this little guy. I kinda wanna name it. I always want to name things, but it has to really stick for me to call it something. Like my car. I still haven't come up with a name for it. But I wish I could.
Anyhow, I think I'm gonna play some ukulele.
I might also not be able to nap because I had coffee this morning. Bummer. I want sleep. Also, I had a weird dream last night. Usually emotions from dreams are quite poignant and can be invasive, but this one was so low key emotionally it's almost weird to me. But I guess I'm grateful that it's not weighing on me.
In other news, I haven't played ukulele for like 3 weeks. I left my uke at home when I was away for two weeks. Guess what? It's still in tune. I love this little guy. I kinda wanna name it. I always want to name things, but it has to really stick for me to call it something. Like my car. I still haven't come up with a name for it. But I wish I could.
Anyhow, I think I'm gonna play some ukulele.
Ramblings, scattered mind
Today there are too many things to write.
I want to write about the ocean. Sitting on the beach in the morning and listening to the sound of the waves. It's one of the most peaceful things on earth and I love it.
But I also want to write about childhood and the little things that stick in your heart.
Speaking of sticking in your heart, I also want to write about hearts and feeling heard.
Also, I wrote it a while ago, but today my article was published on New Christian Woman. It's really cool to see my article resonating with others. Not even to feel that solidarity in "Oh there are others!" but to know that my article helped someone else feel heard is powerful!
I'm also feeling crazy and sporadic today cause I'm trying to figure out a lot of travel plans. I bought my bus ticket and talked to all the right people about arranging rides and everything. I just have one leg of the journey still to figure out. And I'm also looking toward Thanksgiving travel plans and the Christmas pageant because someone just sent me an email about figuring out the live animals for that. So there's just so much on my mind and so I'm feeling kinda pulled a bunch of different directions and unable to focus on just one thing. So here I am rambling boring thoughts onto my blog. I wanted to write something worthwhile today. Oh well.
I want to write about the ocean. Sitting on the beach in the morning and listening to the sound of the waves. It's one of the most peaceful things on earth and I love it.
But I also want to write about childhood and the little things that stick in your heart.
Speaking of sticking in your heart, I also want to write about hearts and feeling heard.
Also, I wrote it a while ago, but today my article was published on New Christian Woman. It's really cool to see my article resonating with others. Not even to feel that solidarity in "Oh there are others!" but to know that my article helped someone else feel heard is powerful!
I'm also feeling crazy and sporadic today cause I'm trying to figure out a lot of travel plans. I bought my bus ticket and talked to all the right people about arranging rides and everything. I just have one leg of the journey still to figure out. And I'm also looking toward Thanksgiving travel plans and the Christmas pageant because someone just sent me an email about figuring out the live animals for that. So there's just so much on my mind and so I'm feeling kinda pulled a bunch of different directions and unable to focus on just one thing. So here I am rambling boring thoughts onto my blog. I wanted to write something worthwhile today. Oh well.
Sickness and the weather
I should write. I don't want to write, and I do want to write. But also I don't want to write.
I was away for two weeks helping out a family who just had their 3rd child. I mostly did dishes and watched the 6 and 4 year old. I also got to hold the new baby a lot. It was only two weeks and it wasn't super hard or challenging work. But nevertheless my body did what it often does after being stressed and busy: plunged me into a fresh cold and enforced rest.
I get the need to slow down and rest, but I was gonna! But did I have to get sick in order to rest? Come on! It's not very restful waking up from a nap cause snot is dripping from your nose, or being unable to sleep in the first place because your head is splitting. It doesn't seem like a great system. I'd like to be able to rest and go for relaxing walks and catch up with friends, and instead I just have to stay home and be a wreck.
And the weather isn't helping. It's October 10th and I have run my air conditioning the past 3 nights because of how unbearably hot it has been in my room. Not only has it been hot it has been raining and not cool refreshing October rain, but humid sticky rain.
Today there is sunshine, but it's still too hot. I want it to be sock weather. I'm ready for socks and koselig!
I was away for two weeks helping out a family who just had their 3rd child. I mostly did dishes and watched the 6 and 4 year old. I also got to hold the new baby a lot. It was only two weeks and it wasn't super hard or challenging work. But nevertheless my body did what it often does after being stressed and busy: plunged me into a fresh cold and enforced rest.
I get the need to slow down and rest, but I was gonna! But did I have to get sick in order to rest? Come on! It's not very restful waking up from a nap cause snot is dripping from your nose, or being unable to sleep in the first place because your head is splitting. It doesn't seem like a great system. I'd like to be able to rest and go for relaxing walks and catch up with friends, and instead I just have to stay home and be a wreck.
And the weather isn't helping. It's October 10th and I have run my air conditioning the past 3 nights because of how unbearably hot it has been in my room. Not only has it been hot it has been raining and not cool refreshing October rain, but humid sticky rain.
Today there is sunshine, but it's still too hot. I want it to be sock weather. I'm ready for socks and koselig!
Turn and Live
You know when you accidentally hurt someone? Like this past summer at the shore, I asked my nephew to ring the supper bell. This bright eyed, chipper little boy had excitement in his eyes as his high pitched voice lisped out "Otay!" and he went skipping away.
My father picked up the child so that the little one could reach the bell. But before he could ring it I turned and slammed the swinging door full into the nephew's head.
I watched the look on his face. He felt betrayed. His little face got pinker and more wrinkled before he let out the wail of pain.
My heart split. I had caused this sweet little nephew pain. I had JUST told him to ring the bell, and two seconds later I had forgotten and thoughtlessly swung the door right into him (I hate swinging doors!)
Luckily my dad was holding the distraught child and was able to comfort him and return him to his mother, but I followed apologizing profusely and feeling horrible.
If it had merely been an accident, and I hadn't known he was there, I'm sure I would have felt pretty bad about it, but I had set him up to be hurt, and one second more of thought would have prevented it from happening in the first place.
So there are two ways I want to go with this story. One: just spending a second more thinking before speaking or acting would save me so many blunders. Why must I be in such a hurry that I don't pay attention?
And 2: I felt horrible. Obviously the following would not occur with a two year old child, but what if I had followed the injured party looking for forgiveness for my blunder and instead of giving him the comfort and apology, he had had to turn around and assure me repeatedly that he was okay and that I shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't that big a deal and not to worry, and he had spent the next ten minutes comforting me instead of the other way around?
So when I say something thoughtless to a friend, at least two things happen. I wish that I had taken the time to consider before speaking, and I end up needing lots of reassurance that it wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I definitely overthink and overanalyze which is why I wonder if blogging is even healthy for me. I should stop thinking and just spew thoughts on to my blog without thinking. Wait! That's what gets me in to trouble, not thinking before speaking.
So I get caught in this vicious cycle of wishing that I would think before acting, overanalyzing bad choices, wishing I didn't think so much, wishing I was more thoughtful, and on and on it goes.
It's right back to my previous post about turning everything to me. You have a problem? Let me make this about me. "What I do?" "Your pain is making me hurt." Every. Single. Thing. I can make it about me.
I need repentance. But then I need to get out of this dark hole and stop dwelling in sin. The Lord wants us to repent of our evils, but he doesn't want us to live in crippling regrets about our past evils or even mistakes. He wants us to have new hearts and to live!
"Cast from you all your transgressions, whereby you have transgressed, and make you a new heart and a new spirit; for why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no delight in the death of him who dies, says the Lord Jehovih; wherefore turn back, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:31-32
My father picked up the child so that the little one could reach the bell. But before he could ring it I turned and slammed the swinging door full into the nephew's head.
I watched the look on his face. He felt betrayed. His little face got pinker and more wrinkled before he let out the wail of pain.
My heart split. I had caused this sweet little nephew pain. I had JUST told him to ring the bell, and two seconds later I had forgotten and thoughtlessly swung the door right into him (I hate swinging doors!)
Luckily my dad was holding the distraught child and was able to comfort him and return him to his mother, but I followed apologizing profusely and feeling horrible.
If it had merely been an accident, and I hadn't known he was there, I'm sure I would have felt pretty bad about it, but I had set him up to be hurt, and one second more of thought would have prevented it from happening in the first place.
So there are two ways I want to go with this story. One: just spending a second more thinking before speaking or acting would save me so many blunders. Why must I be in such a hurry that I don't pay attention?
And 2: I felt horrible. Obviously the following would not occur with a two year old child, but what if I had followed the injured party looking for forgiveness for my blunder and instead of giving him the comfort and apology, he had had to turn around and assure me repeatedly that he was okay and that I shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't that big a deal and not to worry, and he had spent the next ten minutes comforting me instead of the other way around?
So when I say something thoughtless to a friend, at least two things happen. I wish that I had taken the time to consider before speaking, and I end up needing lots of reassurance that it wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I definitely overthink and overanalyze which is why I wonder if blogging is even healthy for me. I should stop thinking and just spew thoughts on to my blog without thinking. Wait! That's what gets me in to trouble, not thinking before speaking.
So I get caught in this vicious cycle of wishing that I would think before acting, overanalyzing bad choices, wishing I didn't think so much, wishing I was more thoughtful, and on and on it goes.
It's right back to my previous post about turning everything to me. You have a problem? Let me make this about me. "What I do?" "Your pain is making me hurt." Every. Single. Thing. I can make it about me.
I need repentance. But then I need to get out of this dark hole and stop dwelling in sin. The Lord wants us to repent of our evils, but he doesn't want us to live in crippling regrets about our past evils or even mistakes. He wants us to have new hearts and to live!
"Cast from you all your transgressions, whereby you have transgressed, and make you a new heart and a new spirit; for why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no delight in the death of him who dies, says the Lord Jehovih; wherefore turn back, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:31-32
Actions and motives
Is blogging unhealthy for me?
Sometimes I feel like blogging is a great outlet for me to verbally process things that might otherwise me spewed at someone's ears. I love writing and figuring out my thoughts through writing. I also love verbal processing and just talking through my thoughts.
These are both really useful for me. But how egocentric are they? I think I worry too much, but sometimes it's good to be aware of my selfish tendencies so that I can shun them.
I write for myself. Plain and simple I need an outlet to write and so I get on my blog and start rambling, and sometimes I hit upon something deep and I do hope that my thoughts could be of use to someone else. But too often I hope that they will be useful for someone else... so that they can understand ME better.
Do I want people to read my blog because I think it will be helpful to them or to me? Do I paint so that other people can admire me and my talents or so that I can bring life and joy to other people?
I definitely overanalyze. Usually after a little "Argh! I'm selfish. Who am I doing this for? What's the point of this or that?" I just step back and think: Is it the right thing to do? Am I serving the Lord? Am I repenting? Am I becoming a better person or a more selfish one? Am I following the Lord? And I doing the right thing?
It is important to notice our motives, but most of all it is important to notice our actions and if the actions are good and moral we should do them, even if we ARE doing them for fame, glory, praise or whatever.
Sure, sometimes we need to take a break from certain actions if we can't find a way to change our motives.
I shouldn't write and write and write and become more self centered and evil as I go, even if somehow my writing IS useful to others. But the real deal is that if I were not working on myself and shunning evils in my life my writing would become worse and worse and less interesting or meaningful to others.
So, long story short, I should keep writing because I think it is useful. And I should continue to examine my motives and shun evils as sins against the Lord.
Sometimes I feel like blogging is a great outlet for me to verbally process things that might otherwise me spewed at someone's ears. I love writing and figuring out my thoughts through writing. I also love verbal processing and just talking through my thoughts.
These are both really useful for me. But how egocentric are they? I think I worry too much, but sometimes it's good to be aware of my selfish tendencies so that I can shun them.
I write for myself. Plain and simple I need an outlet to write and so I get on my blog and start rambling, and sometimes I hit upon something deep and I do hope that my thoughts could be of use to someone else. But too often I hope that they will be useful for someone else... so that they can understand ME better.
Do I want people to read my blog because I think it will be helpful to them or to me? Do I paint so that other people can admire me and my talents or so that I can bring life and joy to other people?
I definitely overanalyze. Usually after a little "Argh! I'm selfish. Who am I doing this for? What's the point of this or that?" I just step back and think: Is it the right thing to do? Am I serving the Lord? Am I repenting? Am I becoming a better person or a more selfish one? Am I following the Lord? And I doing the right thing?
It is important to notice our motives, but most of all it is important to notice our actions and if the actions are good and moral we should do them, even if we ARE doing them for fame, glory, praise or whatever.
Sure, sometimes we need to take a break from certain actions if we can't find a way to change our motives.
I shouldn't write and write and write and become more self centered and evil as I go, even if somehow my writing IS useful to others. But the real deal is that if I were not working on myself and shunning evils in my life my writing would become worse and worse and less interesting or meaningful to others.
So, long story short, I should keep writing because I think it is useful. And I should continue to examine my motives and shun evils as sins against the Lord.
Do it now.
Don't wait until you have time or energy.
I have to remind myself of this. I could be called to work in less than two minutes. My schedule is such right now that I am on call starting at 9, but I might not be called until 10.
It's so easy to think that I don't have time to write or I don't have time to paint or draw. Because I could be called away in one minute.
I could do something easier to stop in the middle of. I could read. But I want to write. And I want to draw. Just start something. Who cares if there's time? You know what's even easier to stop in the middle of then reading? Numbing Facebook scrolling. Waste. Of. Time. I do that WAY too often because there's just not time for anything else. I have this little device in my hand that I can even scroll through while doing dishes or loading the dishwasher. Maybe I can train myself to sketch while loading the dishwasher! Wouldn't that be something?
I don't need time to start something. Just start it!
When I am working on my novel I sometimes purposefully leave off mid sentence so that when I come back I am finishing a thought rather than starting from zero.
I need to draw something today. It can be a doodle. That's my October goal. Draw something every day. It can be a 2 second drawing, but I'd rather it be something more.
I am just starting to read the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I hope it will give me some helpful tips and stuff. But sometimes I only have enough time to draw, not to read too. And I want to read the book before I start drawing, but that's not how it works. I cannot put stuff off just cause I'm not good at it yet or perfect yet. There's a sentence in the book that says "People even feel that they shouldn't take a drawing course because they don't know already how to draw."
Yep! I can't draw or paint cause I don't yet know how to. Great logic, Alison. So I will draw. I will write. I will paint. Who even cares if I'm good at it?
As I was reading the other day, I was looking at the words and the letters and marveling that I can read. It's a gift I often take for granted. But as I was reading I was thinking about reading, and that I can learn and consume knowledge because I can read.
I try not to take things for granted. It's really incredible when I can just be excited about things each day. I'm going to try to choose today and make the most of it!
I have to remind myself of this. I could be called to work in less than two minutes. My schedule is such right now that I am on call starting at 9, but I might not be called until 10.
It's so easy to think that I don't have time to write or I don't have time to paint or draw. Because I could be called away in one minute.
I could do something easier to stop in the middle of. I could read. But I want to write. And I want to draw. Just start something. Who cares if there's time? You know what's even easier to stop in the middle of then reading? Numbing Facebook scrolling. Waste. Of. Time. I do that WAY too often because there's just not time for anything else. I have this little device in my hand that I can even scroll through while doing dishes or loading the dishwasher. Maybe I can train myself to sketch while loading the dishwasher! Wouldn't that be something?
I don't need time to start something. Just start it!
When I am working on my novel I sometimes purposefully leave off mid sentence so that when I come back I am finishing a thought rather than starting from zero.
I need to draw something today. It can be a doodle. That's my October goal. Draw something every day. It can be a 2 second drawing, but I'd rather it be something more.
I am just starting to read the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I hope it will give me some helpful tips and stuff. But sometimes I only have enough time to draw, not to read too. And I want to read the book before I start drawing, but that's not how it works. I cannot put stuff off just cause I'm not good at it yet or perfect yet. There's a sentence in the book that says "People even feel that they shouldn't take a drawing course because they don't know already how to draw."
Yep! I can't draw or paint cause I don't yet know how to. Great logic, Alison. So I will draw. I will write. I will paint. Who even cares if I'm good at it?
As I was reading the other day, I was looking at the words and the letters and marveling that I can read. It's a gift I often take for granted. But as I was reading I was thinking about reading, and that I can learn and consume knowledge because I can read.
I try not to take things for granted. It's really incredible when I can just be excited about things each day. I'm going to try to choose today and make the most of it!
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