Quarantine

I assume you all know what this word means, but because I like to begin blog posts with a dictionary definition, I'll give you one:

Quarantine: a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.

Yep yep. If you've been exposed to an infectious disease you spend some time in isolation. At this point we're assuming we all have been exposed so we're all isolating. But look at the word again: Quarantine.

What does the word mean? Where does it come from? Well, it's an Italian word and it literally means forty days.

We all know that a quarantine can last more or less time than that, but I think it's interesting that the word literally means 40 days.

And I don't know about you, but when I hear 40 days my mind jumps immediately to the Lord's time in the wilderness.

That by "forty days and nights" is signified the duration of temptation, is plainly evident from the Word of the Lord. That "forty" signifies the duration of temptation, comes from the fact that the Lord suffered Himself to be tempted for forty days (as is stated in Matthew 4:1, 2; Luke 4:2; Mark 1:13). (Arcana Coelestia 730)

The new testament doesn't actually tell us that much about the Lord's time in the wilderness, other than the few verses about the devil tempting him, but we know much more about the Lord's trials throughout the whole old testament.

That while He was in the world the Lord endured such temptations, is only briefly described in the Gospels, but at great length in the prophets, and especially in the Psalms of David. In the Gospels it is only said that He was led into the wilderness, and was afterward tempted by the devil, and that He was there forty days, and was with the beasts (Mark 1:12, 13; Matt. 4:1)

And of course there are other times the Word mentions 40 days or even years! Here are just a few:

Moses was upon Mount Sinai forty days and forty nights, during which he ate no bread and drank no water (Exod. 24:18; 34:28; Deut. 9:9, 11, 18, 25).

Jehovah bare them in the wilderness as a man beareth his son, in the way, even unto this place (Deut. 1:31).

Jehovah hath known thy walking through the great wilderness these forty years, Jehovah thy God hath been with thee that thou lackedst nothing (Deut. 2:7).

And thou shalt remember all of the way in which Jehovah thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, in order to afflict thee, and to tempt thee, to know what was in thy heart, whether thou wouldest keep His commandments, or not. And He afflicted thee, and caused thee to hunger, and caused thee to eat the manna, which thou knewest not, and thy fathers knew not; so that He might make thee to know that | man does not live on bread alone, but on all that goes out of the mouth of Jehovah does man live. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

 He fed thee with manna; to afflict thee, to tempt thee, and to do thee good at the last (Deut. 8:16).

It's rough for sure, but there is beauty in it. You gotta admit that the Lord's got this. At times it doesn't feel like it, but He's dealt with this before. He's dealt with everything before. We're wandering in the wilderness, but He will bring us out of it, as He does time and time again.

And God led the people about, by the way of the wilderness. That this signifies that under the Divine auspices they were brought to confirm the truths and goods of faith through temptations, is evident from the signification of "God led," as being Providence (AC 8098)

I'd also like to point out that a lot of these instances mention fasting. I don't think we need to give up food, but the infrequent grocery store trips, and un-stocked shelves can lead to shortages, and I think we can take those times as a kind of fasting, rather than being frustrated by the lack.

I think we all gave up a lot more than we intended to for Lent this year. But we can use that to our advantage. Make it a choice rather than being victimized by our circumstances. I know it's hard. But I also know that we can get through this, especially together, and most importantly because the Lord is on our side.

Continual victory is signified by its being said that after the temptations, "angels came and ministered unto Him" (Matt. 4:11; Mark 1:13).

The Lord from His earliest childhood up to the last hour of His life in the world, was assaulted by all the hells, against which He continually fought, and subjugated and overcame them, and this solely from love toward the whole human race. (AC 1690:3)

What's Your Strategy?

How do you shun evils? What's the strategy?

First, as I often do, I'm gonna give you a dictionary definition.

Shun: Persistently avoid, ignore or reject.

I don't know about you, but avoid, ignore, and reject all have different meanings to me. But I have used all 3 to "shun" evils.

I'm gonna start with ignore. That is the worst. I ignore my evils a lot. Just turn my head away either letting them take hold of me, or ignore them and they leave me alone. That's not shunning.

How about avoiding? Similar. But could be stronger and necessary. If you know you're going to punch that person if you're around them, avoiding them is a good strategy. Avoiding situations where you might fall into evil is a good start.

And then there's rejecting. That's also an important step. Seeing or thinking something and rejecting it before it gets you is very important.

But what about fighting evils? I used to always have an image of actually fighting against evil and falsity. With a sword. Like Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon.

That's important. Fight the thing. Keep those evils at bay.

But in temptation that doesn't mean you stay talking to the person you want to punch. That isn't necessarily the right path.  Staying in combat isn't going to help.

I also have an image of slamming the door on evils. Is that shunning them? Sometimes that feels like ignoring them or avoiding the problem. So what is the balance? You can't simply run away, and you also shouldn't stay and fight.

I think I'm finally finding a satisfactory solution for myself.

I look at the evils banging on the door, I shout "NO!" and then run like hell. Or rather, run from hell!

We need both.

Acknowledge the evil. Tell it to get the hell out because it's a sin against the Lord and then RUN!

If it's possible I literally say it out loud: "I will not because it is a sin against the Lord!"

But I don't have to sit there and watch them to see if they're still going to come at me after that, because the answer is yes. Shouting at them won't stop them. Cause if you shout that you won't cause it's a sin, they'll shout back "Actually, in this case it's not. It's okay this time!"

So get out of there. Say no and run. This balance has worked for me like other things haven't. I've felt guilty for running away cause it feels like avoidance. And I've felt bad for staying and fighting cause guess who wins when I face them alone? But if I shout for my army of angels to defend me and I run away, the angels will stay and fight for me.


"Stand still, and see the salvation of Jehovah, which He will do for you today. Jehovah shall fight for you, and you shall be silent." Exodus 14:12-14

Balance

It has been really hard for me to balance what I am supposed to be doing vs what the Lord is doing in my life. He is everything. I could not breathe without Him. I know that. He is everything. He does everything. And without Him I can do nothing. I could keep going. How many different ways are there to say that I can't do anything and He does everything?

So what do I do?

I have been reading True Christian Religion and if you are facebook friends with me you may have seen that I recently posted that this book continually blows my mind. I open it and I just keep coming across things that I often already know, but said in such a way that it sometimes takes my breath away. I was sitting at Starbucks reading the other day and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

One of the many passages I underlined was: "It must be borne in mind that in man the Lord alone is active and man of himself is merely passive; and that is is by means of the influx of life from God than man is also active." (TCR 110:6)

And I shared this one in my last blog post: “Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.” (TCR 105)

The balance of doing everything. Realizing that the Lord cannot (or will not) push me out of bed in the morning. I have to do that. The Lord will not drive me to church. I have to do that. The Lord will not write for me, paint for me, be kind to people for me. And yet, He is the only reason that I can do any of those things. I could not paint if the Lord did not will it. I could not paint if He was not inside of me and encouraging me to let His love and talents flow through me. It is the Lord alone who does anything.

So how do I find that balance? It seems simple enough: Do all the things, and give all the glory to God. But in practice?

If I were to lie in bed all day every day, not even look at my phone and "like" someone's post. If I do nothing, is the Lord still working in me? ("If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there!") Well, yes.

But can I just coast along? Can I inner-tube my way into heaven?

Well, I have been reading the book of Numbers. It's about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness and traveling toward the promised land. Sound familiar? It certainly does to me! I wander constantly. Hopefully toward the Promised Land! But that's the interesting thing. The Lord promised this land to the children. He promises Heaven to all of His children. A promise. He will bring us into the land! So why doesn't everyone end up in that land?

In chapter 13 spies go in to the land to scout and come back with a report. It's no good. It's too scary. We aren't going to make it. It's a familiar story to a lot of people. Only Joshua and Caleb say that it can be done: "For prevailing, we will prevail over it!" (13:30)

But the people doubt and in the very next chapter they say that they would rather have died in Egypt. Isn't that the way of things? "I don't like this. I want to go back to how things were, even if I was a slave!"

But Joshua and Caleb persist: "If Jehovah delights in us He will bring us into this land... and Jehovah is with us: fear them not."

The Lord is with us. If we can just accept that and go up and take the land. That is all He asks of us. Take it. Possess it. Go into the land! It's really not asking much, nevertheless we must do it! All they had to do was trust the Lord and go, and they didn't, so they weren't allowed to enter the land. Period. The land that was promised to them! They didn't get to go because they weren't willing to do the work that He asked them to do.

So often when I read these stories I identify with Caleb and Joshua. I identify with the prodigal son's older brother.

But that is what self examination is for. To realize that while I am definitely the arrogant older brother who "was ​angry, and was not willing to enter in" (sound familiar?!) I might go to church, read the Word, and wax philosophical, but I am also very much the younger brother, in much need of returning to the Father. I am absolutely both.

I like to think that I would be like Caleb and Joshua and be like "Guys! Look, the Lord promised us this. Let's just try trusting Him." But I am SO the other children doubting and being too afraid to enter.

The land is promised, but we still have to follow Him and trust Him if we're gonna make it in. It takes so much humility. Humility that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve. Trust that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve.

I don't write these blog posts to say what other people need to do. I write these to remind myself of my failings. I seldom trust the Lord. He says "Go!" and I say "I'd rather die in Egypt." There is so much fear in me. I think about these things a lot, not because I am good at them, but because I am terrible at them!

The following is one of my favorite passages in the Word, not because I am this way but because I want to be:

"And I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? And I said, Here am I; send me."

Does God favor the believers?

If God loves everyone, why does He provide more for some and less for others? What is the determining factor in who gets what?

If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?

Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?

Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?

If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?

I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.

Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?

I just had a thought, bear with me.

You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."

Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!

But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.

Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?

Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?

Look Up!

The redness is back. It's dark this time. Not the bright throbbing glow that drew me last time. It's a deep beautiful red. Is it even the same?

The redness is back and it's pulling me again.

I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?

The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.

I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.

There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.

"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.

This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.

Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.

But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.

But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.

Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.

There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.

"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.

"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.

Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.

"Look up." The voice said.

I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.

"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."

"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.

But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.

But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.

"Look up."

In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.

But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.

It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.

Broken.

It has been an emotional couple of days. I wrote about the burden of joy a few days ago, and then continued on to have a lovely weekend full of friends and good food. Kempton for autumn weekends. Riding an old timey train with some excited and cute niecephews. Lots of fantastic times with friends and family.

Monday was rougher. I heard some hard news about a child I used to babysit. She is one of the cutest children and I spent most of Monday unable to keep myself from crying. My eyes sting today with the pain of yesterday's tears.

I'm supposed to be working on another article but I cannot focus. I love writing and I hate editing. I like the freedom of a blog post for writing about anything. No theme. No thesis, but bumbling thoughts with no plan. I never edit my blog posts, other than occasionally glancing over for typos.

I hate that life has to be hard. One thing going wrong makes me feel a fear in all areas of life. Everything is up in the air and trust goes out the window. I want to say that one bad thing doesn't makes me trust the Lord less, but the feeling on my heart 3 days ago was peace and confidence in Him, and I still trust Him, but I don't feel very peaceful about it. It's not begrudging confidence, it's just not peaceful and happy.

And it makes me fear every possible thing. So, that's not really trust, is it?

I guess I'm ashamed to say that one child being sick makes my trust in the Lord falter. That's not something I care to admit, even just to myself, so here I am, processing my feelings on my blog, and admitting them to you, and figuring this out for myself at the same time.

I don't even want to write it, but today, if I'm really examining the thoughts rattling around in my head, I don't trust the Lord today. I don't hear Him, and I don't think His plan is safe.

Oof! What a thing to admit! What a broken lack of confidence! But writing takes honesty. Examining and recognizing these thoughts is the only way to get back to Him.

And of course, I know that the bad things are NOT His plan, but today I am hating freedom. I am hating that spiritual freedom allows innocent people to be harmed.

And that is not trust. It is doubting His eternal plan. It is doubt. It is fear. It is frustration and pain.

In September I wrote about wishing to trade places with others or wishing I could take their pain away, even if it meant taking it on myself, and I feel the same today.

It's cliche, but all I can think is that it's not fair. It doesn't make sense, and I am done with hell attacking people I love. I want to protect, and I just can't. It's too much. There is no solution.

Turn and Live

You know when you accidentally hurt someone? Like this past summer at the shore, I asked my nephew to ring the supper bell. This bright eyed, chipper little boy had excitement in his eyes as his high pitched voice lisped out "Otay!" and he went skipping away.

My father picked up the child so that the little one could reach the bell. But before he could ring it I turned and slammed the swinging door full into the nephew's head.

I watched the look on his face. He felt betrayed. His little face got pinker and more wrinkled before he let out the wail of pain.

My heart split. I had caused this sweet little nephew pain. I had JUST told him to ring the bell, and two seconds later I had forgotten and thoughtlessly swung the door right into him (I hate swinging doors!)

Luckily my dad was holding the distraught child and was able to comfort him and return him to his mother, but I followed apologizing profusely and feeling horrible.

If it had merely been an accident, and I hadn't known he was there, I'm sure I would have felt pretty bad about it, but I had set him up to be hurt, and one second more of thought would have prevented it from happening in the first place.

So there are two ways I want to go with this story. One: just spending a second more thinking before speaking or acting would save me so many blunders. Why must I be in such a hurry that I don't pay attention?

And 2: I felt horrible. Obviously the following would not occur with a two year old child, but what if I had followed the injured party looking for forgiveness for my blunder and instead of giving him the comfort and apology, he had had to turn around and assure me repeatedly that he was okay and that I shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't that big a deal and not to worry, and he had spent the next ten minutes comforting me instead of the other way around?

So when I say something thoughtless to a friend, at least two things happen. I wish that I had taken the time to consider before speaking, and I end up needing lots of reassurance that it wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I definitely overthink and overanalyze which is why I wonder if blogging is even healthy for me. I should stop thinking and just spew thoughts on to my blog without thinking. Wait! That's what gets me in to trouble, not thinking before speaking.

So I get caught in this vicious cycle of wishing that I would think before acting, overanalyzing bad choices, wishing I didn't think so much, wishing I was more thoughtful, and on and on it goes.

It's right back to my previous post about turning everything to me. You have a problem? Let me make this about me. "What I do?" "Your pain is making me hurt." Every. Single. Thing. I can make it about me.

I need repentance. But then I need to get out of this dark hole and stop dwelling in sin. The Lord wants us to repent of our evils, but he doesn't want us to live in crippling regrets about our past evils or even mistakes. He wants us to have new hearts and to live!

"Cast from you all your transgressions, whereby you have transgressed, and make you a new heart and a new spirit; for why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no delight in the death of him who dies, says the Lord Jehovih; wherefore turn back, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:31-32

What the blazes?

... right in the middle of a sentence.

I think I like to fight the cliche of beginning a story with "Once upon a time". So I don't know how else to start one except for abruptly.


Wind and sun. Dry heat. I wandered across the bright meadows. It was lovely and unencumbered. Some kind of white flowers dotted the golden field, but my eyes hardly took it in. I followed on toward the redness blazing ahead of me.

It was growing. Or was it shrinking? Frightened, following my impulse, I started running toward it. It wasn't growing. I was just getting closer to it. It was shrinking, but the rate at which I approached it meant that the size didn't change. It gave the illusion that I was running on a treadmill. It seemed too much like I wasn't moving and all of the sudden I became dizzy and had to drop to the ground, breathing heavily. I looked up at the brightness and could now see that it was shrinking away. In a panic I began running again. I couldn't lose it. I had to make it there in time, even though I didn't know what I was running for. I sprinted, gasping for breath as it pulled away from me. I felt the glow of the redness on my skin. I looked down and instead of seeing the expected red, the light reflected as blue on my skin. It was surreal, but I couldn't register the meaning. I had to reach it before it was completely gone.

I reached out my hand. It was just--

"Stop. Don't do it."

I withdrew my hand guiltily. Who had said that? I looked around. About fifteen yards away there was a man. I didn't know his face, but I trusted him. I trusted him, but I still wanted to know why I shouldn't reach for the redness.

"Why not?" I asked.

At this point the redness was not changing in size, but growing in intensity. It made me long to reach for it, but I refrained, waiting for an answer.

"Because you're not supposed to." He wasn't yelling, but it was like his voice was fighting against a strong wind. "Don't reach for it," he warned again.

"But..." I began. Torn between trust and longing. "But... but I want to!" And the intensity of the redness was creating a storm. I felt pulled toward it and at the same time pushed away. It was as if the unknown man and I were pushing toward a wall of wind and shouting to each other to be heard, and yet we weren't shouting and his voice sounded close, and safe, and I believed him.

"Trust me," he said. And he reached his hand toward me. And I felt intense fear and loneliness. I turned toward the red glow. I could feel the warmth. I took a step.

"Please!" he said, and his hand was a gift in the brightness.

"I can't." I apologized. And I took another step toward the glow. And I began to cry.

Maybe he was right. I stopped. I looked at the hand. The kindness he was offering. The love. I thought I should try. One step toward him. And there was gut wrenching pain and I was crippled. I fell to the ground.

It was a sign. I knew that I should have kept toward the glow. My face turned back toward it. The pain receded a little. I crawled a little bit toward the intensifying red.

"Trust me," the man said again. My eyes were burning with tears. I could feel the drips falling whichever way they chose. One hitting the corner of my mouth, one rolling toward my ear, leaving salty trails on my skin. I didn't even want to turn toward the man. It hurt too much.

"I'm going to crawl into the light," I said. Mostly to myself. I didn't care if he heard.

"Trust me," he said a third time. I chanced a look. Such warmth, but my head split.

"Okay," I whispered. And it tore my throat to say it. I reached out my hand and as I did I could feel the ripping in my chest and I wanted to withdraw, but as soon as my hand touched his it was firmly in his grasp and he pulled me away from the glow. I was being pulled toward safety and to him.

Enough

If life isn't good enough, what are you saying? Are you saying that God has not provided for you? Are you saying that His timing is not good enough for you?

When life isn't good enough, how do you make it enough?

How do you make it good enough?

I think of the parable of the talents, which I will insert here.

For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lord’s money. After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. (Matthew 25:14-19)

The first two doubled their amount and the last servant buried his money. It's an obvious story. The money are called talents! Take your gifts and make use of them. Even if you think that the Lord should have or could have given you more.

In the story of the talents each servant gains more by using the ones he has. Instead of waiting for the Lord to provide, they use what they already have and receive more from the Lord.

There's no waiting. It's just doing and the Lord provides. And the servants aren't doing and looking over their shoulders for approval saying "Ok, Lord, I did my thing. Can I get some approval? Can I get some more? Some of what I want?" They're just doing, cause it's the right thing to do.

It's obvious, but we're supposed to be content with our lot in life. Do what we can with what we are given and make the most of it. Being discontent or thinking that our lives aren't good enough is entirely our own fault. No matter how bad our lives are we can keep trusting in the Lord and believe in His plan and do as much as we can with what we are given and eventually receive the words we long for:

Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.

Looking toward the shore

There is nothing more lovely than sitting on the beach in the early morning, hearing nothing but the Lord’s wind and waves. I love that peace. I often sit with His Word. Sometimes just holding it for a while, feeling prayers before I open and read.

The beach is my favorite place to be alone. I just want to sit in the near perfect silence with only the roar of the waves, the morning birds and the breeze. I hear the Lord’s voice in the roaring of the waves and I picture looking out over the waves at my Human God, holding out His arms, welcoming me into His embrace.

There is nothing so perfect as that morning peace… unless it be holding a baby. Picking up a sad child and having her nestle into you arms in comfort, and immediately fill your arms and heart. That soft puddingy weight as they melt into your arms in trust.

I don’t like comparing myself to my Savior God, or putting myself in His place, and yet we are meant to emulate Him. And He compares Himself to a mother hen gathering in her chicks. He IS our Father. So wondering at the tiniest bit of what He must feel when we come to Him must not be too bad.

The open arms over the sea inviting me in. I long for that feeling of comfort that an innocent child feels when they melt into the safety of someone’s loving arms; the feeling in my heart when a baby’s head rests against it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that safety and that comfort and that sense of belonging; to feel completely safe with someone, to feel that deep feeling of peace.

I think the closest I come is when I am kneeling at the Holy Supper railing in the cathedral, very close to the open Word, tasting the bread and the wine, feeling the Lord’s hands on my head as I hear the words “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.” The words are whispered to me in a promise, and for that moment I feel the Lord’s love on my heart, and I believe in everything that He promises me. I feel safe, loved, wanted, needed. In short, I feel like a real human, created in the image and likeness of God.

I wish I felt that more often. I wish I could hold on to that feeling.

It’s unlovely and scary, but I guess the way for Holy Supper to feel lasting is to examine myself more, and remove the evils standing in my way. Repentance is the way to the Lord.

“The saying of God came to John the son of Zacharias in the wilderness. And he came into all the countryside of Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, as it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord; make His paths straight.” Luke 3:2-4

It is through repentance that we prepare the way for the Lord in our lives. I can approach Him, and feel close in the Holy Supper, but it won’t be a lasting feeling of living in Him unless I choose to actually live my life in Him, and that is only possible through repentance.