And my heart feels...

Sometimes my heart wants out of my chest. Because it is full and cannot fit and it’s this excited bubbling feeling. Sometimes it wants out because it’s sick and tired of feeling and just wants to run away. I want to run with it to a place where I don’t have to care.

Where I don’t have to care about all the pain in the world. The innocent people afflicted with sickness, the friends fighting and fighting and continually being assailed by the hells.

I can feel my heart trying to escape. It is easier to shut it down and hide it away from hurt. But that is a miserable existence. More miserable than the ache that is ripping my chest in two. I can feel my heart trying to shatter into all the shards. But it is stronger than that. I hear a voice saying “Just a little longer!”

And I believe it. My heart begins to settle. It’s not trying to get away. It is starting to feel safe.

Moments ago it was trying to run away. To avoid the pain but also to avoid getting trapped in. For a moment I could see from inside my heart. Trapped in a dark box watching as the lid threatened to close. I could see the sliver of light as I threatened to lock my heart away in safety. But it pushed back.

“Let me feel! I am strong enough to feel. I don’t want to live in this safe and dark box. I want to breathe! Let me go!”

And my heart feels safe. It is being protected by a force I cannot see. But the walls around it are not dark and cold. They are golden and yielding.

And my heart feels safe. Someone is holding it gently, encouraging it, letting me breathe. The air returns to my lungs and I can feel my heart in my chest. It is no longer trying to escape. It knows it belongs. It is where it’s supposed to be. It’s not hiding. It’s not broken. It’s mending with golden light.

And my heart feels safe.