Mask Thoughts

You know when you're driving and everyone going slower than you is an idiot, while everyone going faster than you is a maniac? That's a little bit how it feels right now with this pandemic. Allow me to explain.

Everyone is doing this pandemic a little bit differently. Okay, sometimes a lot differently. The people who have slowed down and are wearing masks and social distancing are idiots while the people running ahead with life as though nothing has changed are maniacs.

Do I believe that? Not really. But the fact is that we are never going to be satisfied unless everyone is doing it exactly like we are. In other words, we want to control the world. Now more than ever. Because controlling other people's behaviors makes us feel a little bit more in control and thinking we know what's best for others at least makes us feel superior to everyone else.

I have heard lots of people talk about how the charitable thing is to wear a mask. You're wearing a mask because you love your neighbor and you want to protect them and care about them. And then you walk in your front door, take your mask off and proceed to yell at your neighbor in the privacy of your own home, or anonymously on facebook. Who knew that masks could breed so much hatred among neighbors? But the sad fact is, people are being pretty mean. Sure, be charitable and wear a mask for your neighbor, but don't badmouth and hate everyone who doesn't. That's not charity.

I have been thinking a lot about masks. Allow me to tell you my relationship with masks. For the first 4 months of quarantine I wasn't allowed to go to work, but I did some shopping for people. My OLD parents, and some other friends. I was a germaphobe. I would get to the parking lot, hand sanitize, put my mask on, re-sanitize my hands, get a clorox wipe, wipe down my cart handle and proceed to shop, being sure to maintain my distance and limit touching things I wasn't buying. When I got back to my car I would immediately hand sanitize again, load my groceries into my car, sanitize again, return cart, wiping it down for the next person, wait until I was all the way in my car before removing my mask, and then sometimes drive to a second or even third store to finish my shopping, repeating the process each time. Even if I visited 3 stores I would only have my mask on for a total of 45 minutes at a time (if the shopping took a long time).

When in the stores I saw all kinds of people wearing their masks wrong. Upside down, inside out, and more often than not, EMPLOYEES wearing their masks under their nose! I was pretty annoyed. Other customers are dumb and maybe don't know what to do, but you would expect the stores to talk to their employees and go over proper mask wearing!

I spent about 4 months being annoyed at these morons for wearing their masks wrong, but seldom changing my shopping places or doing anything about it. Just feeling annoyed.

Fast forward a few months. July! I was finally allowed to start going back to work. I was so ready. First day I sat at my computer for 3 hours trying to get everything sorted. Of course I wore a mask. But let me tell you something, my sympathy for grocery employees skyrocketed.

I discovered quickly that while wearing a mask to go grocery shopping, even wearing it continuously for a full hour didn't bother me much. Yeah, sometimes a little bit warm, or sweaty, or even itchy. It took some getting used to. But I could handle wearing it property for an hour. But once I had to be wearing it for hours at a time I desperately wished I could just wear it under my nose.

Day 1 of wearing a mask for only 3 hours and I felt a little bit light-headed and headachy. And now the days have gone on and each day I find myself needing a mask break at about an hour and a half in. I just want to rip the darn thing off my face and be done with it. But I don't. Cause rules are rules, and I'm a rule follower.

Luckily I work in a job where I can be like "Oh, man, I'm feeling faint!" and I can step outside for a few minutes to take my mask off away from others and breathe normally for a little bit. Side-note: I have never thought that breathing height of summer humid air felt so fresh and clear before!

Now imagine our grocery store workers who were thrown into having to wear masks all day, right from the start. And they can't just step away from their register once every 90 minutes to breathe normally. I don't know how often they get breaks. Cut them a little slack.

Do I think that this means it's okay to wear your mask below your nose? No. I'm just saying that I sympathize and feel much more compassion for them. If you're someone who has never worn a mask for more than an hour or so then maybe don't judge others so harshly. You don't know what it's like.

And I know I'll get some people jumping on me for things I've written here, so let me put a few more thoughts.

One: I know that nurses and doctors have it worse. I'm not gonna try and claim that my hardships of wearing a mask for 90 minutes is worse than doctors who wear them all day.

Two: Yes, I believe that masks should be worn properly. I'm not saying otherwise. I wear my mask when I'm in public and I wear it properly, covering my nose and chin.

Three: If you have kids going into school, or are someone about to go into work more or whatever, get used to wearing a mask. I thought I was prepared cause I had spent the first 4 months of quarantine wearing a mask once a week for less than an hour a day. HA!

Four: Get yourselves fun or pretty masks. I like wearing mine cause they're fun! I just want all the fun and pretty masks! I'm someone who wears mismatched socks on purpose so I can have two different pictures or patterns going on. So give me the fun and pretty masks! 

Five: This sucks. It all sucks, and when is life going to be normal again? No, I refuse to accept this as the new normal. One day we'll have sports and plays and groups of hundreds of people together again and it won't freak anyone out.

Six: Be charitable. Wear your darn mask, people!

Seven: Be charitable. That means be nice to your neighbor. Even if they're not wearing their darn mask.

Quarantine

I assume you all know what this word means, but because I like to begin blog posts with a dictionary definition, I'll give you one:

Quarantine: a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.

Yep yep. If you've been exposed to an infectious disease you spend some time in isolation. At this point we're assuming we all have been exposed so we're all isolating. But look at the word again: Quarantine.

What does the word mean? Where does it come from? Well, it's an Italian word and it literally means forty days.

We all know that a quarantine can last more or less time than that, but I think it's interesting that the word literally means 40 days.

And I don't know about you, but when I hear 40 days my mind jumps immediately to the Lord's time in the wilderness.

That by "forty days and nights" is signified the duration of temptation, is plainly evident from the Word of the Lord. That "forty" signifies the duration of temptation, comes from the fact that the Lord suffered Himself to be tempted for forty days (as is stated in Matthew 4:1, 2; Luke 4:2; Mark 1:13). (Arcana Coelestia 730)

The new testament doesn't actually tell us that much about the Lord's time in the wilderness, other than the few verses about the devil tempting him, but we know much more about the Lord's trials throughout the whole old testament.

That while He was in the world the Lord endured such temptations, is only briefly described in the Gospels, but at great length in the prophets, and especially in the Psalms of David. In the Gospels it is only said that He was led into the wilderness, and was afterward tempted by the devil, and that He was there forty days, and was with the beasts (Mark 1:12, 13; Matt. 4:1)

And of course there are other times the Word mentions 40 days or even years! Here are just a few:

Moses was upon Mount Sinai forty days and forty nights, during which he ate no bread and drank no water (Exod. 24:18; 34:28; Deut. 9:9, 11, 18, 25).

Jehovah bare them in the wilderness as a man beareth his son, in the way, even unto this place (Deut. 1:31).

Jehovah hath known thy walking through the great wilderness these forty years, Jehovah thy God hath been with thee that thou lackedst nothing (Deut. 2:7).

And thou shalt remember all of the way in which Jehovah thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, in order to afflict thee, and to tempt thee, to know what was in thy heart, whether thou wouldest keep His commandments, or not. And He afflicted thee, and caused thee to hunger, and caused thee to eat the manna, which thou knewest not, and thy fathers knew not; so that He might make thee to know that | man does not live on bread alone, but on all that goes out of the mouth of Jehovah does man live. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

 He fed thee with manna; to afflict thee, to tempt thee, and to do thee good at the last (Deut. 8:16).

It's rough for sure, but there is beauty in it. You gotta admit that the Lord's got this. At times it doesn't feel like it, but He's dealt with this before. He's dealt with everything before. We're wandering in the wilderness, but He will bring us out of it, as He does time and time again.

And God led the people about, by the way of the wilderness. That this signifies that under the Divine auspices they were brought to confirm the truths and goods of faith through temptations, is evident from the signification of "God led," as being Providence (AC 8098)

I'd also like to point out that a lot of these instances mention fasting. I don't think we need to give up food, but the infrequent grocery store trips, and un-stocked shelves can lead to shortages, and I think we can take those times as a kind of fasting, rather than being frustrated by the lack.

I think we all gave up a lot more than we intended to for Lent this year. But we can use that to our advantage. Make it a choice rather than being victimized by our circumstances. I know it's hard. But I also know that we can get through this, especially together, and most importantly because the Lord is on our side.

Continual victory is signified by its being said that after the temptations, "angels came and ministered unto Him" (Matt. 4:11; Mark 1:13).

The Lord from His earliest childhood up to the last hour of His life in the world, was assaulted by all the hells, against which He continually fought, and subjugated and overcame them, and this solely from love toward the whole human race. (AC 1690:3)

Morning Musings in the air.

"Life" I breathed, taking my first sip of coffee. It was before 5am, and I had spent too long in line for security for a random Wednesday morning in early November.


Strangers in the airport speak to one another during a shared experience, like a longer than expected security line. Two ladies with the same destination as me offered to let me follow them to the gate. A ind gesture for 4:30am, pre-coffee humans. They even wait for me as I get my shoes on after security.


"Right here? Right here? Right here? Right here?" repeated the small girl as she walked with her father past every single seat on the aircraft.

"I think you're in my seat," says the lady in front of me to the gentleman in her seat. He laughs comfortably at his mistake, as do the people around him.

The last passenger in our row appears: window seat. She apologizes profusely. The gentleman on the aisle is as kind as can be as we both move to let her in.

People smile. Everyone is surprisingly cheerful for so early in the morning.

The two sisters behind me, traveling with their kids, are chagrined as the two-year-old on and off screams his way through the flight. When we land, she books it for the door, leaving her sister to get the rest of the kids and all of their bags. Both ladies apologize for the noise. You can tell people are not thrilled, but are still very patient and everyone is kind.

What's Your Strategy?

How do you shun evils? What's the strategy?

First, as I often do, I'm gonna give you a dictionary definition.

Shun: Persistently avoid, ignore or reject.

I don't know about you, but avoid, ignore, and reject all have different meanings to me. But I have used all 3 to "shun" evils.

I'm gonna start with ignore. That is the worst. I ignore my evils a lot. Just turn my head away either letting them take hold of me, or ignore them and they leave me alone. That's not shunning.

How about avoiding? Similar. But could be stronger and necessary. If you know you're going to punch that person if you're around them, avoiding them is a good strategy. Avoiding situations where you might fall into evil is a good start.

And then there's rejecting. That's also an important step. Seeing or thinking something and rejecting it before it gets you is very important.

But what about fighting evils? I used to always have an image of actually fighting against evil and falsity. With a sword. Like Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon.

That's important. Fight the thing. Keep those evils at bay.

But in temptation that doesn't mean you stay talking to the person you want to punch. That isn't necessarily the right path.  Staying in combat isn't going to help.

I also have an image of slamming the door on evils. Is that shunning them? Sometimes that feels like ignoring them or avoiding the problem. So what is the balance? You can't simply run away, and you also shouldn't stay and fight.

I think I'm finally finding a satisfactory solution for myself.

I look at the evils banging on the door, I shout "NO!" and then run like hell. Or rather, run from hell!

We need both.

Acknowledge the evil. Tell it to get the hell out because it's a sin against the Lord and then RUN!

If it's possible I literally say it out loud: "I will not because it is a sin against the Lord!"

But I don't have to sit there and watch them to see if they're still going to come at me after that, because the answer is yes. Shouting at them won't stop them. Cause if you shout that you won't cause it's a sin, they'll shout back "Actually, in this case it's not. It's okay this time!"

So get out of there. Say no and run. This balance has worked for me like other things haven't. I've felt guilty for running away cause it feels like avoidance. And I've felt bad for staying and fighting cause guess who wins when I face them alone? But if I shout for my army of angels to defend me and I run away, the angels will stay and fight for me.


"Stand still, and see the salvation of Jehovah, which He will do for you today. Jehovah shall fight for you, and you shall be silent." Exodus 14:12-14

Mean Words

Have you ever noticed that children tend to exaggerate things?

Hankford: Mom! Reginald hit me and kicked me and told me I smelled bad and that he hates me and that I was a worm!

Reality Reginald: Hankford smells bad.

I was analyzing this the other year as I watched my niecephews report the wrongdoings of their siblings to parents. I think I have yet to see a child report the exact facts with no exaggeration of the events.

But we never grow up.

Chester: Steve said all blondes are idiots!"
Reality Steve: I like black hair.

But for better or worse, we read emotion into people's comments. I think that reality is important, but reality is more than words.

When a child reports to mom or dad that their sibling hates them, it's probably not true, but that doesn't mean that the kid doesn't feel unloved by their sibling, whether or not the words "I hate you" left the siblings mouth or not.

I don't know what the point is. Cause the literal words matter, and we should pay attention to the words people say, and sometimes we need to look past the literal words to the meaning. But sometimes you need to acknowledge that your words hurt more than you knew.

"You smell," might just be a comment about your aroma, or might even be a statement of fact about your ability to inhale scent. But it could also hurt more than just words.

When people called me names when I was younger I remember chanting back "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."

As an adult I feel much more like: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can really hurt me."

Again, I don't know what the point of this is, except to say that when a child is exaggerating what was said to them, it might not be a lie to get the other kid in trouble. It might be an accurate representation of how they are feeling. I know that I have used stronger words to describe a situation in order to accurately express how I felt about it.

Sadly I cannot find the name of the artist to give them credit :( 

Pockets

I just have to rant about pockets for a minute.

Fall through Spring I often end up in a sweatshirt or some other kind of pocketed outer garment just so I have somewhere to throw my phone and keys. I am always conscious of whether or not I will have good pocket potential when picking out an outfit.

In summer, I just get used to lugging my purse around with me because I will most likely not have pockets. But I don't lug my purse around the house or carry it around the office with me. Yeah, you can leave your phone on my desk but sometimes you need it.

But right now. Right now it's actually a little bit too warm for a sweatshirt, but if you step inside a building it might be freezing and you'll need something. This is a dilemma for everyone: I might wish I'd brought a jacket.

But when you also have to take pockets into consideration, an even more difficult decision is before you.

Spring is the one time of year I start actively choosing pocketless sweaters and sweatshirts, because I can't let pockets determine how cold I am.

Example: I've been helping my brother and his wife with house projects. Half way through I'll be sweating profusely, but still unwilling to remove my sweatshirt because then I won't have a pocket to keep nails or whatnot in, so I am beholden to the sweatshirt because pockets.

Yeah, yeah, that's what tool belts are for. But buying a tool belt for a few weeks of house projects is silly. And it doesn't solve the problem for the other 95% of life.

Bottom line, I want more pockets. Clothing lines are starting to pick up on this and I'm finding more and more options for pocketful dresses and skirts, but we could still use more pocket options.

Rant completed. Thank you for reading.

--

Alison Cole

cottleston@gmail.com

215.692.3637

Love Wins

I keep seeing this around. It's on my calendar. It's painted on a rock. It crops up.

I've been thinking about it. It doesn't offend me. Why would it? I have no objection to the idea that love wins.

I was shopping the other day and I saw a shirt that said "All you need is love." I almost bought it so that I could embroider "and wisdom" after it. Just cause I thought it would be funny.

Because of course love wins, but only when it is conjoined to truth.

Love isn't love without the wisdom to know how to love.

"And give Thou to Thy servant a heart that hears to judge Thy people, to understand between good and evil." 1 Kings 3:9

"What is love without wisdom but folly?" Conjugial Love 183:4

"When love approaches wisdom and conjoins itself therewith, then love becomes love; and when wisdom in turn approaches love and conjoins itself therewith, then wisdom becomes wisdom. Love truly conjugial is nothing else than the conjunction of love and wisdom." Conjugial Love 65

"He therefore, who looks with the face to the Lord receives wisdom from Him, and through wisdom love; but he who looks backwards from the Lord receives love and not wisdom, and lovewithout wisdom is love from man and not from the Lord. And this love, because it conjoins itself with falsities, does not acknowledge God, but itself as a god." Conjugial Love 444:6

And on and on it goes. There are innumerable passages about love needing to be conjoined to wisdom, for without wisdom love becomes evil. And yes, evil can win. But not really. Not for long.

Love must be conjoined with wisdom.

Love and wisdom together win.

“The conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the repository of the Christian religion" CL 457

New year, new/no motivation.

Reasons I don't write:
I don't want to.
I don't like to,
I'm not good at it.
I don't want to write bad things.
I don't want to use up good ideas.
There's nothing to write.
People don't want to read what I write.
I might offend someone.
There is literally nothing I can write without offending someone, somewhere.

I was recently watching a show, hesitant to say which, but maybe should so people can avoid spoilers. Anyhow, there's this idea that everything we do somehow negatively impacts people, right down to buying a tomato, because somewhere along the way buying that tomato supports something bad. So yeah, we could take that to mean that everything we do could potentially hurt someone or support something we don't like. But the show misses the point that if were were never allowed to do something that might potentially offend someone we would be unable to do anything. The show practically takes away free will, saying that no matter what we do we are hell-bound because everything we do is leading us closer to hell.

Here's the thing. We would be headed for hell without the Lord constantly pulling us back. The Lord does not work on a point system. He takes our actions and intentions into account.

You may have heard the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." The point of that is that intention alone won't do you a thing. "I was planning on-" is useless. Do the thing. If you buy a tomato because you want to feed your family, then the chain of consequences about how that tomato got to you is not what matters. It's the tomatoes future that matters. Not its past.

Yeah, okay, maybe you should be supporting local business and not some cooperate food supplier, but that's not what matters. The Lord doesn't change your passage to heaven based on where you bought your food.

One thing the show does get right is that your actions matter. No one is saved by baptism. How you live matters. I do love the show. You probably know the one I'm talking about. I hope I didn't spoil anything for you.

What does getting to heaven and this tv show have to do with writing?

Oh right, you can't be stuck, unable to write for fear of offending someone. I'm gonna offend someone. And that can be scary. I can think of things I want to write that might make people I love think less of me. And what people think of me matters. I can't be useful to people if I alienate people.

I hope that people know that when I write, I am doing my best to help, not hurt.

Nevertheless, writing is scary and you'll be lucky if you get another blog post out of me before July.

Lucky? Already I doubt that, because who even cares if I write or not? No, I'm not looking for validation. I just think that most of the time I am writing for me, and no one will really notice if they don't see a blog post from me until next year. Whatever. This post is long enough. I wrote something.

Morning Drivel

Nothing like early morning airport runs to get the mind going. Actually, on a Friday morning, even at 5:30am, the traffic isn't very pretty and so a lot of energy goes into navigating merging and other drivers' questionable choices. It's not really a reflective time. But I've been awake for over 3 hours and don't have time to nap before work so why not write something on my neglected blog? At this hour, on this fuzzy brain it will either be boring drivel or I'll stumble upon something brilliant that my mind can't comprehend. I'm betting on the former, but who knows? Monkeys haven't yet typed the complete works of William Shakespeare, right? So maybe there's no basis for believing that I could stumble upon some wisdom. Though I do hope that I am somewhat more advanced than a monkey with a typewriter.

Speaking of the Shakespeare, some of my cool friends are doing The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, abridged. It's going to be hilarious, and it's Shakespeare so it's also going to be off-color so probably don't bring your kids. But bring yourself because it's hilarious. I read it and even reading it on my own I laughed aloud. I couldn't say "laughed out loud" because then everyone just thinks "lol" which essentially means "oh, mildly funny." But this is actually funny. Spoiler alert, they do Hamlet in 5 minutes, and also less. They do the complete works in an hour and a half! (Link for more info!)

Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh, nothing. Right. I am writing for the sake of writing and I don't have anything profound to say so I'll continue on with my pointless drivel. 

I like Kempton. I like my niecephews. I like the cute childrens who aren't even my niecephews. I like rainstorms. I like crisp fall air with those piercing blue skies. 

I just found out that there are people who actually like humidity. I mean, I have heard of people who tolerate it and manage to enjoy summer despite it. I can understand that... a little. But some people only like moist heat. I, on the other hand, can only stand dry heat. I love dry heat. I loved California! Humidity is most foul. Apparently some people like it. Some people like fish too. 

I still haven't killed very much time. I guess I shouldn't kill time. It's handy stuff and I could move on to painting or just go to work early. P.S. I love painting.

Coffee and my journal (which I did not paint)

Done = Art

I am hiding. Hiding from ideas. Hiding from writing. You might see me posting daily paintings and that might look like I'm doing something and not being afraid. But I am still just as afraid as I was yesterday. But when I decide to do something, I do it. If I say that I'm going to post a painting a day, I'll post a painting a day, even if I hate the painting. I should probably have a blog month too, where I have to post every day even if it's terrible.

Everything feels terrible. That's not even the slightest bit true. I actually love life so much right now. It is cold and rainy. Positivity weather for me. I love it! I have a new job. It's an adjustment to my life but I love that too. Everything is pretty fantastic so why did I say it feels terrible?

Because no matter how much I am loving life I still think that my writing and painting is no good. Which is just ridiculous. Because guess what, I am painting and I wasn't before. That is good. I am writing. I wasn't before. That is good. My paintings today are not Monet or van Gogh. But they are mine and they are better than they were a year ago. And they are better than nothing.

The paintings are mine and I take great joy and pride in my paintings. Let me tell you something, I love paint! I love the way it feels when I get it on my hands. I love watching something fluid go smoothly on and how it layers and dries.

But I hide from all of these joys because I am not yet da Vinci. It is scary to share mediocre work and pretend that it is good. But I have to remember that it is not pretending. Of course it's not master work. But it is work. And I love it. I care a lot that other people like it too, but I am trying to not value my paintings on the amount of likes they get. I am allowed to love a painting that got 3 likes even if another got 53. I am allowed to love my work and that is not vanity.

People talk about artists gifts. They call certain artists "gifted."

But I have another secret for you, it is true that some things come more naturally to some than to others, but sometimes to call what someone does "a gift" negates the hours of work they put in to get to that level. The artists true gift is the gift of perseverance. Not giving up even when they feel blocked and uninspired.

And that is the gift that I am struggling with. I may not be a gifted writer or a gifted painter, but the Lord gave me perseverance and dedication. I can be pretty bad at motivating myself, but if I set myself a task I will do it. Which is why I often set myself small tasks, because they are attainable. I can't set myself a task that I might not be able to achieve, not because I'm a perfectionist but because I have to believe it is doable. Setting a goal of a painting a day is achievable because I can put a splat of paint on a canvas and call it done. Done = Art.

But if I set myself the goal of becoming something, or achieving some level of skill then I don't know that I can do that and I will stop before I begin. Art is attainable. Writing is attainable. It doesn't have to be good; it has to be done.

"I will take care of the quantity; He will take care of the quality." - Julia Cameron

Writer's Block

And again words are escaping me. Why? Why am I afflicted with writer's block. I understand not knowing what comes next in the story and being stuck on a plot point or how to write it or resolve it. I haven't touched any of my stories in months. One story died when I went off the outline. I need to take it back to where it diverged and just try to write from there, like nothing else had happened. Just try a different path to the fountain. Throw out the blockage. Well, I can keep it in my deleted scenes folder. But write I must.

Can writers block be the inability to put pen to paper? Anyone could write something. Why is a blank page so daunting? I fear the first page in an empty book. I psych myself out that I can't mark up a book with such potential. But once the book has its first page written in then it isn't intimidating. So why the block? It's an empty page. Literally anything could be written on it. Feather, blue, ground, elevator, bucket, quicksotic. Haha! That's definitely not how you spell that, but that's the point. Anything. Words. Feelings. Colors. Bandaids. Pandas. I could write about anything. That should be freeing, but it's limiting. Everyone needs perimeters. Having no boundary creates too much to figure out. Limit the choices. Writer's block springs then from there being too much a character could do, not too little. 

Something Is Missing

I feel like my poetic writing is dead. I used to be able to wax poetic about my surroundings and the smell of the air and... I'm stuck looking around for the right word but nothing follows that 'and'.

It is like the words have gone away. There are no words to grasp. They have run away from me and then won't let themselves be captured by my pen. The words are free. But not freely flowing on to my paper. Free to run away. Free to roam the world, not confined to the page anymore. But because of this flight my pages remain blank and unloved.

What remains is an empty sorrow. It is hollow and alone. Colors. Colors might still present themselves to me in a vivid array of madness.

The words contain no order. No sense rests within them unless it be a sense of unease.

Something is missing. It's not just the words that have run away. Something is missing.

Do you hear the silence? Birds are chirping, the wind is stirring the trees, a mechanical whirring sound. But the silence is profound. Months of death. The words aren't escaping into their ownness. They are dying. They are dying from their lack. They have no where to go and no one to walk beside. They sit in the land of no use awaiting the return. But they sit in solitude not knowing their neighbors. Not knowing what to do, because a word alone can't make sense without the other pieces around it. It might have the best location of all but with no neighbors to love, it lives a meaningless life of solitude. But alone it sits. Waiting for the life to breathe into it.

Waiting for the breath of lives.

I Don't Write As Much As I Used To.

I usually default to iced coffee. I drink much too much of it. And it's not really hydrating, but it must be somewhat hydrating or I'd be dead, cause I can go several days drinking only coffee.

But today I am drinking iced green tea. I seldom drink iced tea, but I did last summer. Taste is a funny, evocative thing. I used to eat these little lavender or violet flavored candies and it always reminded me of England because it's the first place I got them.

Last summer was a summer of writing and drinking iced tea. And so one sip of iced tea reminded me that I don't write as much as I used to. And just like that a year slipped by and I missed the anniversary of starting my blog. Of course, I've been writing since forever, but my blog has reached its one year mark this month. I feel sad that I don't write as much. I need that reminder that I can write anything on here. And I need to. It doesn't matter if it is magical and poetic. It can, and needs to be, outright crap sometimes. Because I need to write in order to write. It makes sense, I know it does.

My brain has shifted toward painting and I don't regret it. Painting is a different kind of catharsis, but I still need to write. I process things by writing. Sadly my little writers guild died months ago. But part of my lack of posting on my blog is because I write in a handwritten journal every day so some thoughts get dumped there but they're very mundane, and I often resent my journal because I will get to the end of the day and still have to write so I will write gibberish just to get done with it. But it's not furthering my writing. I don't want to treat writing like a chore or something I have to get through.

In other news I have a new job! In other news I have a new instagram account. Well, a few months old. I decided to create an instagram for my art. Not because I think I'm so great that my art needs its own account, but mostly because I wanted to follow a ton of artists for inspiration. I love painting and I'm getting better. I love writing but I've plateaued.

Such is life. I feel busy. Mostly in a good way, but also in an I-haven't-cleaned-my-room-in-far-too long kind of way. I have laundry to fold, paints to clean up and so many surfaces to dust and yet, I'm going to play boardgames with my brother and sister-in-law because they're cute.

Tasting the Air

There are few things more thrilling than a thunderstorm at the beach! It was so lovely to wake up this morning in one of my favorite places on earth. It was gray and a little humid this morning, but cooler than yesterday. And now I sit inside looking out at the windows at the pouring rain. It's beautiful!

I love thunderstorms, but being here makes it even better. That's beach life for you! Dishes are fun at home (well, I think so) but much better at the shore. Cooking is fun, but much better at the shore!

A few years ago I read an Onion article about a mom on vacation and how she pretty much does all the things she does at home just several miles closer to the ocean. It's true. Homemakers make homes wherever they are. It's not something you vacation from. But homemaking at the shore is different than elsewhere. I love being here.

It's rainy and gray, but it's beautiful. The air is thick with salty moisture. I know it doesn't sound lovely, but it is.

Just glorious!

I Won't Write A Letter

If you want to get a swing fixed in Ramsett Park you might start a letter writing campaign. Maybe knowing that there are a lot of people inconvenienced by this would hurry up the process of getting it fixed. That's a reasonable request and maybe a use for letter writing campaigns.

But, let's just say that having no swings in Ramsett Park were divinely ordained. It wouldn't matter how many letters were sent in. If the rule was no swings, it doesn't matter how many people are inconvenienced by the lack of swings. If say 50 people wrote saying that they wanted a swing in the park, and no one wrote saying that they did not want swings in the park it might look like a lot of people wanted a swing in the park. But why would someone write in to say that they didn't want swings in the park if there were no swings in the park? Also, if God said no swings in the park, and even if everybody in the town did want swings in the park would you really want someone to bow to your wishes to provide swings in the park?

I think maybe I would just go to a different park.

Some people might say "Look, if you don't want swings in the park, just don't swing on them." But that's not the point. If God said no swings in the park I wouldn't want swings in the park.

If the people who maintained the park believed in the park rules, it shouldn't matter what letters they received. Even if hundreds and hundreds of letters poured in telling them they really wanted swings in the park, and no one wrote to them saying "Hey, I'm cool with there being no swings in the park!" that shouldn't matter. Do the park rules matter or not?

I mean, I guess maybe we could change the park rules? Maybe they're only guidelines and if enough people wanted to change the park rules that would be a good idea. After all, maybe the park rules were written a long time ago and times have changed. Oh wait, did we establish that the park rules were directly from God? Hmm, I guess we don't really have the authority to change them then.

I wouldn't want the park people being persuaded by letters of any kind. I will not be writing a letter to the park people, because my opinion doesn't matter. Because it's an opinion. Also, I don't care if my opinion is heard. Because it's an opinion. The Park Rules aren't gonna change, no matter how many letters anyone writes.

But also, if you want to write a letter telling someone how much you love the park there's nothing wrong with that.

Stop worrying about how many people are coming to the park. Adhere to the park rules and all will be well. I trust the park people. I believe that they are doing their best to follow the park rules.

And really? I trust the Lord. It's really gonna be fine because He's got this. No matter what, He's got this.

The Affirmative Principle

Does the Word have some sort of expiration date I didn't know about? A best used by but maybe could still be okay for a little bit after just not as good? Like food, does it become unhealthy to consume after a certain point?

Why would the Lord write something that would go out of date? After the Lord's first coming the old testament did not expire. 

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill. Matthew 5:17

Even after the Lord's second coming, the old and new testaments are not to be thrown out or disregarded. The Lord's Word is never going to be unhealthy. If we are allergic to it that is not because there is something wrong with it that needs to be changed. We can't substitute gluten free doctrine just so we don't react poorly to it. Of course we have sensitivities to the Word! It is not going to sit right with us, because we are not right!

And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. Revelation 10:9

The only way to approach the Word is to assume that the Lord is telling us the truth. That He is not misleading us or gave us some kind of Where's Waldo where we have to look through it for something we recognize.

There are therefore two principles; one of which leads to all folly and insanity, and the other to all intelligence and wisdom. The former principle is to deny all things, or to say in the heart that we cannot believe them until we are convinced by what we can apprehend, or perceive by the senses; this is the principle that leads to all folly and insanity, and is to be called the negative principle. The other principle is to affirm the things which are of doctrine from the Word, or to think and believe within ourselves that they are true because the Lord has said them: this is the principle that leads to all intelligence and wisdom, and is to be called the affirmative principle. Arcana Coelestia 2568:4

I'm not saying that understanding the Word is easy. But it's easier if you assume that is is right. The hardest thing we have to do in life is make decisions. Decisions are really hard, man! My last blog post was about how marriage is the opposite of dating. One of the things that makes marriage SO much better than dating is it's one less decision to make. With dating you have to figure out a HUGE decision: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this human? With marriage the answer is always yes. You have already made the hardest decision. But it's made. All you have to do now is make a million more decisions, but that one is set in stone.

The same goes for reading the Word. If you constantly have to be wondering if the Lord actually means what He says then it's exhausting hard work. Just assume that He knows what He's doing. AND He knew what He was doing a couple thousand years ago when He told people to write down His Word. Our problems aren't new. He even knew about every single thing we're facing in 2018, and He wrote about it a long time ago. And it's still active and living today. There is no expiration date on the Truth.

Stop dating the Word. Be committed to it. It makes life so much easier if you do.

Dating is the Opposite of Marriage

It's funny how people say that dating is good practice for marriage. Well, I dunno, maybe people don't say that anymore. But seriously, teenagers don't need to be dating. The only point of dating is to find out if you could marry the other person. Not to find out what type of person you like or are compatible with. Not to just have fun. The purpose of dating is getting to know someone with the intention of marrying them if things work out.

But it really is the opposite of marriage. So I'm gonna use gambling as an analogy for dating. Relationships are not roulette. It's not chance. It's not random. There's a plan. But there's also the problem of throwing in good money after bad. When you've invested a certain amount of time into a person it can feel like you just have to make it work out. You have to stick with it and fix it even if things aren't working. But the truth is that there is zero real commitment. If things aren't working they don't have to. 

You gotta know when to hold them,
Know when to fold them,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.

I'm not saying it's easy to know what's worth holding on to, but there is always the option to fold.

With marriage there is not. And I think that often people get used to dating and then breaking up when things aren't going well, and then thinking that that's how marriage works too. With marriage you're all in. There's no folding once you have a winning hand.

Dating is stressful. Marriage can be stressful, but the nice thing is that the decision has already been made. You're still figuring stuff out, but you're not figuring out if it can work but how it can work better and better.

Marriage is forever. Thank goodness dating is not!

13 Drafts

I have 13 drafts on my blog. Because once again I have decided I can't publish a post without it being meaningful and thought provoking. The problem is that I have lots I want to say but I keep not saying it right so I don't write anything. Cause that's the way to get better at anything; thinking in your brain about how everything has to be perfect before action.

So I have discovered that I suck at taking action. Whether it be writing, practicing ukulele, drawing, painting, or any number of things. It's easier to think about it than actually do it. And I don't want to get things wrong so I overthink and underact.

Thinking IS useful. And reading and gathering information, even when it doesn't always feel that way.

I read the Word every day, but I don't often feel like I'm learning anything. I'm also reading TCR and while it can be mind-blowing and inspiring to read, I don't often feel like there is actionable stuff in it for me. When I brought this up at a doctrinal class our minister pointed out that what we are doing is building a framework that everything else rests on and he compared it to med-school where students learn about every aspect of the human body and while a lot of it is not going to be practical information it is nevertheless building a framework for all the hands-on stuff they will be doing.

It made me think of this passage from Matthew Chapter 22:37-40:

And Jesus said to him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God in thy whole heart, and in thy whole soul, and in thy whole mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang the whole Law and the Prophets.

I have known, from my childhood that I am supposed to love the Lord and the neighbor. But HOW does one love the Lord and the neighbor? That is where everything else comes in. And everything in the Word and Heavenly Doctrine is teaching us how to love the Lord and each other. It is a complex web of knowledge that keeps getting added to. It is an ever growing framework.

Another biblical analogy would be a tree. The roots, the branches and the leaves are useful, but the Lord tells us to bear fruit. We must have the knowledge or the branches for the fruit to grow on.

I love studying the Word, even when I don't get it all at once. If I did, I guess I wouldn't have to read it again. It is living. It is constant.

A Brief Summary

What is happening?! I haven't written in forever and this is only my second blog post in May and it's the 24th! Craziness! Also, the blog post I published in May was mostly written in April. Wow.

I was giving it some thought. It was making me sad, like I don't have time for blogging and that's not cool, but I think it's okay because it means instead of writing about life happening, life IS happening.

I went to Belgium, and also The Netherlands, Germany, and France! All for the first time (unless you count a layover in the Munich airport 10 years ago). Almost immediately upon arriving home from Europe I went to Canada. I've lost track of how many times I've been to Canada, but that was a fun and busy trip. So busy I didn't have time for a blog post or a nap.

Just popping up to Canada to help take care of my niecephews. It was a busy time and upon arriving I felt like the evil dictator aunt who waltzes in and just starts issuing orders! It took me a few days but with some prayer I was able to remember how to connect with the kids and enjoy my time there rather than feeling like I was just trying to keep a machine going. I like order, I love structure, but I can forget that I am a human being and I need to be willing to be flexible. I know that I am useful to them, but I am always blown away by how useful it is to me. It can be hard to see when I am blind with tiredness and up to my elbows in dishes, but after a non-stop two weeks I got in the car to drive home and had some reflection time, and now I've been home for almost a week and have caught up on some sleep and I can now reflect on how useful such a trip is to me.

My life is not my own. And that is a good thing. I need that reminder. I need to let go of the control of my life. But how, in my day-to-day life do I let go of control but not let go of order? Children are a surefire reminder. When you're around children there is a certain amount of predictability but with a healthy dose of uncertainty. I'm not doing a good job describing it, because I am aware of the time ticking away from me and the things I need to get done in the next half hour.

For now, let me just say that children are good for me. Chaos is good for me. Strong willed children are good for me. Having a soaking wet rag flung unceremoniously from the bathtub on to me is a good thing. Deluged with water, tears and hugs is very good for me. Struggling to teach a child a job when it is far easier to just do it myself is good for me. How often does our Father look down and think "It would be easier if I just did it myself"? But He doesn't. Because He knows how useful it is for us to learn it. He can't just do it for us though that would be so much easier.

I re-see the Lord every time I interact with children. Every time I am frustrated and tired I can see in even sharper contrast the Lord's infinite patience and kindness as He lovingly encourages us on our path.

Brief Recap.

I want to write something profound, but I fear I am a little brain fried. I am sitting in the Brussels airport after a wonderful trip to Belgium. Not only Belgium! I also got to go to Germany and the Netherlands.

I can’t tell you everything we did and why because it’s not mine to tell. Ask me if you think that's too mysterious. Haha.

I biked for the first time in years! If biking in Pennsylvania was like biking in the Netherlands I would definitely bike more! I loved it and I loved “my” bike! I was a little sore after but it was worth it. Haven't exercised those muscles in forever!

I saw lots of windmills got to go inside at least 4! And Definitely got to see fields and fields of tulips! Wow! What a beautiful country The Netherlands!

Germany was a highlight! We went for only a few hours, but the pine forests smelled like my childhood! I loved the hills and the thin trees that got so dense it was pure darkness behind! The sunlight on the trees and the hills, the beautiful old houses, crisp pine scented air! Real pine!

Wallonia, the south of Belgium, was also a delight. I loved the rolling hills and clusters of flowers, and there there were blossoming fruit trees that smelled like heaven.

Before Wallonia was West Flanders. The landscape couldn’t be more different! Flat. So flat you can’t capture it in a picture! We were driving alongside a canal we were looking for but we couldn’t see it though it was only a few yards away because of how flat the landscape is. But the flat is far from boring! The landscape was dotted with yellow brick houses with red tile roofs adorned with the natural yellow-green lichens! I loved those houses!

The flatness meant that we were able to see fairly far. You could see churches from far away and as you got closer see a few houses surrounding the church, then then flat again before we approached another little village!

We also popped into France for a few hours. It's funny the way you can just pop across country borders the way we move freely between states in the U.S.

All in all a lovely trip and I will have to write more soon!