Worrying, worrying, worrying! A friend brought this passage to my attention a few weeks ago and it hasn't left my head: "They that hate you shall have dominion over you; and you shall flee when none pursues you." Leviticus 26:17
"They that hate you shall have dominion over you." He pointed out that this is like handing over the keys of your house to someone who hates you and saying, "Here are all the things I care about. Have at it!"
When we fret and worry, we invite evil into our lives. We invite all these bad thoughts in, and turn over our emotional state to someone who hates us.
"I feel awful. Come in, come in! Make me feel worse! Wreck my entire house!"
Do you remember when you were a child and you felt like the world was ending, and then your mom gave you a snack and you felt better? Like instantly? Or maybe you've forgotten, but observed a baby screaming and then food is presented and immediately they're fine.
As a parent you can watch and see that the world is ending for your child. You know that dinner will be ready in ten minutes and your child will be fine. But they can't see that. They can't see that in a matter of minutes whatever they think is horribly wrong with the world won't even matter as soon as they get some food in them. As a parent it's probably pretty easy to dismiss the meltdown.
But if we put ourselves in the place of the child, and the Lord in the place of the parent. Does He ever dismiss out meltdowns? I doubt it. I bet He cares, even if He can see that we'll be fine in a week/month/year/5 years.
A parent can foresee that their child will be fine once they've eaten, slept, or even just obeyed. In the same way, but with infinitely more love and patience, He is looking down at us knowing we'll be okay. It will work out so much better if we obey His Word, obey His loving commandments!
He can foresee that this anxiety I'm having will pass. He can see that this is a minor thing compared to eternity. I can see that too. When I stop to look at my life, I can see that wondering if anyone has ordered gray paint is not that important. And that perspective can remind me not to worry. But the Lord also doesn't want us to feel bad for feeling bad.
Back to the small child tantruming about supper not being ready. Imagine if the child could reflect on its actions. Given enough rationality and thought, maybe the child could reflect and realize that freaking out isn't going to help, in fact it might even delay dinner if mom is distracted by said child.
That's a good use of reflection, but sometimes reflection pushes into a dark place because we have given the keys of our mind over to someone who hates us. More common, I find, is that the child (adult) reflects, realizes they're being a pill about supper (life) and then gets really mad at themselves for tantruming over something so insignificant.
"You will run when none pursues you." We make life way more difficult on ourselves than necessary.
Reflection is good. It stops us from tantruming about dumb things. We should reflect and it helps us to turn and live a better life, but we do not need run when we aren't being pursued. We need to shun evils and live a better life. But a better life doesn't mean one of constant worry and looking over our shoulder for an enemy that isn't there.
Safeguard your home against such invasion. Kick out the evil from your home. Don't give evil spirits free reign on your mind. Don't run away from nothing. Calm down. The Lord is on your side.
Worrying solves everything.
I have discovered that worrying solves everything.
I have a lot to get done in the next week and a half. And worrying about it is definitely helping. The more I worry, the more I get done. It certainly doesn't cripple me in a ball of fear and worry. No, if no one shows up to help I will panic and stop breathing. It's worked so well in the past.
When I have lots to do, the thing to do is to complain about it and make sure everyone else knows that I am majorly stressed out. It does them a world of good too. Because then they're thinking about me and how stressed I am and it's making them stressed which is what they need in their lives. For sure. I'm doing them a service. And on top of that, I'm getting them to think about me instead of themselves which, if you think about it, is really an extra service to them.
And you know what else? When I don't know the future, and I don't know what my life will look like in a year, or even in a month it definitely helps if I get caught up in thinking and worrying about it. It's not like worrying ever hurt anyone. My shoulders aren't carrying lots of stress and tension. I haven't forgotten how to breathe. Breathing isn't important anyhow.
My life works best when I trust no one. Rely on no one. Freak out. Assume everything will fall apart if I'm not there micromanaging.
Yes, I am sure that I have this life thing figured out.
#winning #notsarcastic #100%real
Matthew 6:25-34
I have a lot to get done in the next week and a half. And worrying about it is definitely helping. The more I worry, the more I get done. It certainly doesn't cripple me in a ball of fear and worry. No, if no one shows up to help I will panic and stop breathing. It's worked so well in the past.
When I have lots to do, the thing to do is to complain about it and make sure everyone else knows that I am majorly stressed out. It does them a world of good too. Because then they're thinking about me and how stressed I am and it's making them stressed which is what they need in their lives. For sure. I'm doing them a service. And on top of that, I'm getting them to think about me instead of themselves which, if you think about it, is really an extra service to them.
And you know what else? When I don't know the future, and I don't know what my life will look like in a year, or even in a month it definitely helps if I get caught up in thinking and worrying about it. It's not like worrying ever hurt anyone. My shoulders aren't carrying lots of stress and tension. I haven't forgotten how to breathe. Breathing isn't important anyhow.
My life works best when I trust no one. Rely on no one. Freak out. Assume everything will fall apart if I'm not there micromanaging.
Yes, I am sure that I have this life thing figured out.
#winning #notsarcastic #100%real
Matthew 6:25-34
Don't Bleed Out.
Ripping off the bandaid hurts. It's not like slowly peeling it off is painful but if you just rip it off it stops hurting.
I'm trying to wean myself off of caffeine. Withdrawal is real. Quitting cold turkey is not ripping off the bandaid. It still hurts. Evil is like that too. Only you can't wean yourself off of evil, or can you?
Does the Lord let us slowly realize our evils and slowly help us remove them? Yes. He knows that if we were to quit all evil at once we would die. He lets the wheat and the tares grow together. He bends us, not breaks us. Little by little (Matthew 13:24-30, Isaiah 42:3, Exodus 23:30).
So when is the bandaid analogy apt?
I think that people think that it will stop hurting if you just rip off the bandaid. But that's not how it works. It's more like a wound that cannot heal with a bandaid on it. The bandaid isn't a solution. It's a problem. It's gonna hurt as long as it's there. And it's gonna hurt however you choose to remove it. Slow or swift the bandaid removal will hurt. And guess what? It will continue to hurt. Even after the bandaid is gone. But that wound cannot begin to heal if the bandaid stays.
But even so, changing the analogy a little bit, if you get stabbed or pierced you are not supposed to pull the thing out of you. If you do, you'll just bleed out. You have to wait until you're equipped to handle it. Like wait till you're at the hospital or until you are prepared to deal with copious amounts of blood pouring from you. If you don't have help, or can't deal with it yet, it's a bad idea to pull the knife out or you'll just bleed out and die.
So, I don't know. I'm mixing analogies, but I guess I don't understand the bandaid one. Cause bandaids are supposed to be helpful, not harmful. Why is there all this discussion about ripping them off?
Maybe it's because they are helpful. They cover a hurt from getting worse. But if you never changed that bandaid, or tried to keep in on forever then it would start to infect your skin and be really nasty. So you just gotta rip off that little strip of sticky plastic that was once helpful but is now just gathering dirt and dead skin and making you feel sick when you look at it.
Don't bleed out. But don't let infections fester. Breathe.
I'm trying to wean myself off of caffeine. Withdrawal is real. Quitting cold turkey is not ripping off the bandaid. It still hurts. Evil is like that too. Only you can't wean yourself off of evil, or can you?
Does the Lord let us slowly realize our evils and slowly help us remove them? Yes. He knows that if we were to quit all evil at once we would die. He lets the wheat and the tares grow together. He bends us, not breaks us. Little by little (Matthew 13:24-30, Isaiah 42:3, Exodus 23:30).
So when is the bandaid analogy apt?
I think that people think that it will stop hurting if you just rip off the bandaid. But that's not how it works. It's more like a wound that cannot heal with a bandaid on it. The bandaid isn't a solution. It's a problem. It's gonna hurt as long as it's there. And it's gonna hurt however you choose to remove it. Slow or swift the bandaid removal will hurt. And guess what? It will continue to hurt. Even after the bandaid is gone. But that wound cannot begin to heal if the bandaid stays.
But even so, changing the analogy a little bit, if you get stabbed or pierced you are not supposed to pull the thing out of you. If you do, you'll just bleed out. You have to wait until you're equipped to handle it. Like wait till you're at the hospital or until you are prepared to deal with copious amounts of blood pouring from you. If you don't have help, or can't deal with it yet, it's a bad idea to pull the knife out or you'll just bleed out and die.
So, I don't know. I'm mixing analogies, but I guess I don't understand the bandaid one. Cause bandaids are supposed to be helpful, not harmful. Why is there all this discussion about ripping them off?
Maybe it's because they are helpful. They cover a hurt from getting worse. But if you never changed that bandaid, or tried to keep in on forever then it would start to infect your skin and be really nasty. So you just gotta rip off that little strip of sticky plastic that was once helpful but is now just gathering dirt and dead skin and making you feel sick when you look at it.
Don't bleed out. But don't let infections fester. Breathe.
The Only Love You Need
It is easy to feel alone in this world. Even surrounded by good people it can still feel like there's a lot of hard in the world. And, at least for me, it can feel really lonely. Even when people love me, I can feel really alone. So while out walking I had a really obvious realization:
The only love I need is the Lord’s love.
Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.
Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?
No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.
He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.
His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.
But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.
Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.
But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.
He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.
"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).
The only love I need is the Lord’s love.
Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.
Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?
No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.
He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.
His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.
But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.
Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.
But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.
He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.
"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).
No Agenda
I keep thinking my blog posts have to have an agenda, or cover something, or talk about what's going on in my life. None of those things are wrong, but I created this blog to write. And if I'm worried about filling some specific agenda I don't write.
So today, I am going to write the crap and not care if this post does nothing.
Sometimes I just want nothing.
Life is busy. So many things to do, so I'm avoiding them. Jk. I'm not even. I just paused writing this to send a few more emails and texts and add something to my to-do list. Haha. I can't even avoid anything.
I'm sitting at Starbucks. My eyes are tired. I should probably nap, but if I know me, I won't.
I have to go food shopping. I'm going to visit a friend. I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to chill.
In other news, I think I'm kinda broken. Maybe not, but I've trained myself not to cry for so long that crying when tears press on my eyes feels super weird, but I'm trying to re-train myself and just let the tears come when they push to get out.
So now I cry always. Like way too much. Not about anything either. Pretty music at church? Boom! Tears. Reading TCR? Boom! Tears. Like multiple times. In public!! Thinking about tears? Boom! Tears! Stress in my shoulders creating massive headache inducing stress? Boom! Tears.
All the songs from Wicked are stuck in my head. Not actually, just all the good ones. "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!" "And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend!"
Sometimes when I start writing I get on to something and then I write something interesting. This time it's a total random.
Hello world, time to go buy some veggies!
So today, I am going to write the crap and not care if this post does nothing.
Sometimes I just want nothing.
Life is busy. So many things to do, so I'm avoiding them. Jk. I'm not even. I just paused writing this to send a few more emails and texts and add something to my to-do list. Haha. I can't even avoid anything.
I'm sitting at Starbucks. My eyes are tired. I should probably nap, but if I know me, I won't.
I have to go food shopping. I'm going to visit a friend. I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to chill.
In other news, I think I'm kinda broken. Maybe not, but I've trained myself not to cry for so long that crying when tears press on my eyes feels super weird, but I'm trying to re-train myself and just let the tears come when they push to get out.
So now I cry always. Like way too much. Not about anything either. Pretty music at church? Boom! Tears. Reading TCR? Boom! Tears. Like multiple times. In public!! Thinking about tears? Boom! Tears! Stress in my shoulders creating massive headache inducing stress? Boom! Tears.
All the songs from Wicked are stuck in my head. Not actually, just all the good ones. "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!" "And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend!"
Sometimes when I start writing I get on to something and then I write something interesting. This time it's a total random.
Hello world, time to go buy some veggies!
Wicked
I have lived in the Philly area for the past 18 and a half years. I have visited Philly a few times for various things, but I'm not really a city girl. But still, having lived right between two major U.S. cities for 18 years, you would think that I would have visited New York or D.C. but you would be wrong.
I am also a fan of music and musicals. Well, at least well done ones.... I loved seeing the Phantom of the Opera and The Scarlet Pimpernel in Philly, but never have I ever been to Broadway.
Until now.
My 30th birthday was in January. Yeah, like forever ago. And a very dear friend decided it was time that I went to NYC and Broadway, so she got contributions from my friends and bought me two Broadway tickets so I could go with a friend at some point.
Well, life got busy. Now it's November, and finally, yesterday, I went to NYC. Now, as previously said, I'm not a city girl, I would have been on my phone all day with my gps open and it probably would not have been that great a trip. But I brought my friend Leanna with me and she knows her way around!
I didn't choose her for her navigation skills. I chose her because she's fantastic human who I love and feel completely comfortable with. Indeed it wasn't until we were on the train to the city and wandering the streets of Manhattan that I realized just how much she knows her way around. She had all these ideas for fun and/or iconic things to see in the city within an easy walking distance of the station. Even so, according to my phone, we spent just about 3 hours of the day walking, and walked over 20,800 steps!
We went St Patrick's Cathedral, Time Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Fika - a Swedish pastry shop, Dylan's Candy Bar, The East River, The Little Beet, and of course the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked.
I really enjoyed seeing some of the iconic places like Time Square and Central Park, but I have to say, my favorite things were random little places Leanna found. Fika was one of my favorite places because it was just a cute little cultural nook. We got cardamon rolls and I got spicy hot chocolate which is one of my favorite drinks! Now I with I need to visit Scandinavia!
We went a lot of places, and Wicked inspired all the feels! And I have to say, it was quite something rushing the train at the end of the day!
All in all, it was one lovely day in the Big Apple with a great friend!
I am also a fan of music and musicals. Well, at least well done ones.... I loved seeing the Phantom of the Opera and The Scarlet Pimpernel in Philly, but never have I ever been to Broadway.
Until now.
My 30th birthday was in January. Yeah, like forever ago. And a very dear friend decided it was time that I went to NYC and Broadway, so she got contributions from my friends and bought me two Broadway tickets so I could go with a friend at some point.
Well, life got busy. Now it's November, and finally, yesterday, I went to NYC. Now, as previously said, I'm not a city girl, I would have been on my phone all day with my gps open and it probably would not have been that great a trip. But I brought my friend Leanna with me and she knows her way around!
I didn't choose her for her navigation skills. I chose her because she's fantastic human who I love and feel completely comfortable with. Indeed it wasn't until we were on the train to the city and wandering the streets of Manhattan that I realized just how much she knows her way around. She had all these ideas for fun and/or iconic things to see in the city within an easy walking distance of the station. Even so, according to my phone, we spent just about 3 hours of the day walking, and walked over 20,800 steps!
We went St Patrick's Cathedral, Time Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Fika - a Swedish pastry shop, Dylan's Candy Bar, The East River, The Little Beet, and of course the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked.
I really enjoyed seeing some of the iconic places like Time Square and Central Park, but I have to say, my favorite things were random little places Leanna found. Fika was one of my favorite places because it was just a cute little cultural nook. We got cardamon rolls and I got spicy hot chocolate which is one of my favorite drinks! Now I with I need to visit Scandinavia!
We went a lot of places, and Wicked inspired all the feels! And I have to say, it was quite something rushing the train at the end of the day!
All in all, it was one lovely day in the Big Apple with a great friend!
Does God favor the believers?
If God loves everyone, why does He provide more for some and less for others? What is the determining factor in who gets what?
If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?
Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?
Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?
If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?
I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.
Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?
I just had a thought, bear with me.
You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."
Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!
But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.
Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?
Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?
If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?
Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?
Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?
If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?
I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.
Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?
I just had a thought, bear with me.
You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."
Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!
But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.
Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?
Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?
Just Breathe
"Just breathe," he says.
But I can't, because the colors are closing in around me. I can't even describe what colors they are, because there are too many and too close. I can't distinguish between them anymore, and my breathing is shallow. Or maybe it's not even there anymore.
I don't remember the last time I took a breath. And I am dizzy. Too much is pressing in on me and the colors are swirling faster and faster. I can't focus on anything. I have to make it stop. My head is going to explode.
"Just breathe," he says again.
And one rickety breath escapes my lungs.
But my mind is still a fog. I want to collapse because there is no breath in me, but instead I start running. Running from the mess of colors trapping me in. I feel sick, and there is a tightness in my chest, but I must keep running.
All of the sudden water is pouring over me and I'm coughing and spitting it out. It's like I ran in to a waterfall that wasn't there. And I look around me, trying to find the source but I cannot see. The water is flooding over me and at last I try to gasp for air but all I get is a mouth full of water and I'm coughing and sputtering and I double over trying to find dryness to breathe in, but the water is choking me. I am drowning.
"Don't stop. Keep going."
But the water is pounding down on me, knocking me off my feet. I am on my knees, trying to crawl out of this mess but I am so wet that I am more liquid than solid and I can't crawl. I feel like I am oozing.
And then I am falling. Sliding, being carried along by this strong current. I'm not sure if this is pleasant or miserable. I still don't know if I'm liquid or solid, but I am moving. I had tried to move forward, but now I was being washed away. Down didn't seem like the right direction, but at least I was moving. And as soon as I had this thought the water began rushing me up. The current was pushing me up until it spat me out on a dry bit of land and I coughed and at last sought the breath that I had put off taking.
In with one great gulp and my brain begins to clear.
But I can't, because the colors are closing in around me. I can't even describe what colors they are, because there are too many and too close. I can't distinguish between them anymore, and my breathing is shallow. Or maybe it's not even there anymore.
I don't remember the last time I took a breath. And I am dizzy. Too much is pressing in on me and the colors are swirling faster and faster. I can't focus on anything. I have to make it stop. My head is going to explode.
"Just breathe," he says again.
And one rickety breath escapes my lungs.
But my mind is still a fog. I want to collapse because there is no breath in me, but instead I start running. Running from the mess of colors trapping me in. I feel sick, and there is a tightness in my chest, but I must keep running.
All of the sudden water is pouring over me and I'm coughing and spitting it out. It's like I ran in to a waterfall that wasn't there. And I look around me, trying to find the source but I cannot see. The water is flooding over me and at last I try to gasp for air but all I get is a mouth full of water and I'm coughing and sputtering and I double over trying to find dryness to breathe in, but the water is choking me. I am drowning.
"Don't stop. Keep going."
But the water is pounding down on me, knocking me off my feet. I am on my knees, trying to crawl out of this mess but I am so wet that I am more liquid than solid and I can't crawl. I feel like I am oozing.
And then I am falling. Sliding, being carried along by this strong current. I'm not sure if this is pleasant or miserable. I still don't know if I'm liquid or solid, but I am moving. I had tried to move forward, but now I was being washed away. Down didn't seem like the right direction, but at least I was moving. And as soon as I had this thought the water began rushing me up. The current was pushing me up until it spat me out on a dry bit of land and I coughed and at last sought the breath that I had put off taking.
In with one great gulp and my brain begins to clear.
Koselig!
I love fall. Yesterday I walked along the trail appreciating the golden leaves against the bright blue sky. It's one of my favorite times of year!
Today I am sitting at Starbucks looking out at a gray and damp parking lot. All the tress I can see are completely bare of leaves. On all accounts it is a dreary day.
And I love it. It's probably because I'm listening to Christmas music, and planning Christmassy things. It's November 13. And it's a Monday. So begins another week. So begins another cold and dark season. But it thrills me!
Monday should be depressing. But dude! New beginnings (yeah, I know the week begins on Sunday). And yeah, this weather heralds the death of all things. Cold, miserable months ahead, right?
But that doesn't have to be the attitude. And I know, I'm one to talk. I still have a hard time accepting humidity, so I get that gray and rainy isn't for everyone. But every year I get more and more into the Scandinavian ideas of coziness. Koselig and Hygge are my new favorite words!
I don't love winter because it's cold and gross. I love it because it's cozy! Fires and friends, and hot chocolate and the hushed sounds of falling snow.
Yes, today on this cold and rainy day I am looking forward to it getting even colder!
Today I am sitting at Starbucks looking out at a gray and damp parking lot. All the tress I can see are completely bare of leaves. On all accounts it is a dreary day.
And I love it. It's probably because I'm listening to Christmas music, and planning Christmassy things. It's November 13. And it's a Monday. So begins another week. So begins another cold and dark season. But it thrills me!
Monday should be depressing. But dude! New beginnings (yeah, I know the week begins on Sunday). And yeah, this weather heralds the death of all things. Cold, miserable months ahead, right?
But that doesn't have to be the attitude. And I know, I'm one to talk. I still have a hard time accepting humidity, so I get that gray and rainy isn't for everyone. But every year I get more and more into the Scandinavian ideas of coziness. Koselig and Hygge are my new favorite words!
I don't love winter because it's cold and gross. I love it because it's cozy! Fires and friends, and hot chocolate and the hushed sounds of falling snow.
Yes, today on this cold and rainy day I am looking forward to it getting even colder!
Prayer Candle
I pray all the time. I still don't think it's enough.
Sometime I kinda feel like I just have an open dialogue with the Lord. If I say something, I know He hears me. I do try to be in a humble and receptive state when I pray, but I think that waiting to pray until you can be in a space or humility sometimes means I'm just avoiding praying.
So, long story short, I try to pray all the time. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I talk to the Lord when I need Him, which is always.
But I also do like the protected space. I'm not throwing one out. I love church on Sunday for being with people when I pray. But sometimes, when life is overwhelming, I light a candle and lie on the floor.
Sometime I kinda feel like I just have an open dialogue with the Lord. If I say something, I know He hears me. I do try to be in a humble and receptive state when I pray, but I think that waiting to pray until you can be in a space or humility sometimes means I'm just avoiding praying.
So, long story short, I try to pray all the time. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I talk to the Lord when I need Him, which is always.
But I also do like the protected space. I'm not throwing one out. I love church on Sunday for being with people when I pray. But sometimes, when life is overwhelming, I light a candle and lie on the floor.
Offspring and talents
I am sitting here with one friend's child in my lap, and another friend's poem in my heart.
Creation is amazing! I think about this squishy child who keeps whacking my keyboard and where she came from? It's crazy! Crazy I tell you!
But what of words? When someone writes something that goes straight to your heart? The way a child's warm hug touches you?
Or the embracing words that wrap your heart in safety, the way a child's laughter nestles round your heart.
There are brush strokes of a painting when all I did was to pick up the brush.
The Lord creates though us. We are not the creators of any of it. All of these things are straight from the Divine, filtered through us. A gift from Him. And a gift to others.
It is Him and not we ourselves. He creates for us, but He cannot unless we lift the brush, open the laptop, or breathe the words.
I am struck today by the myriad gifts He gives us. I think I am often stuck in thinking that because the gift of human life is the best gift that the other ones are negligible.
It is like the parable of the talents. If the Lord gives us a gift, we should use it. It doesn't matter the gifts He has given to others. The Lord has given goodness to all of us and it's up to us to do something with that!
Creation is amazing! I think about this squishy child who keeps whacking my keyboard and where she came from? It's crazy! Crazy I tell you!
But what of words? When someone writes something that goes straight to your heart? The way a child's warm hug touches you?
Or the embracing words that wrap your heart in safety, the way a child's laughter nestles round your heart.
There are brush strokes of a painting when all I did was to pick up the brush.
The Lord creates though us. We are not the creators of any of it. All of these things are straight from the Divine, filtered through us. A gift from Him. And a gift to others.
It is Him and not we ourselves. He creates for us, but He cannot unless we lift the brush, open the laptop, or breathe the words.
I am struck today by the myriad gifts He gives us. I think I am often stuck in thinking that because the gift of human life is the best gift that the other ones are negligible.
It is like the parable of the talents. If the Lord gives us a gift, we should use it. It doesn't matter the gifts He has given to others. The Lord has given goodness to all of us and it's up to us to do something with that!
Listening Heart
Doing things is overwhelming.
You know that feeling when you have so many things going on that you're sure you'll forget something?
I felt that way last night. Like something was about to be forgotten but I didn't know what. I usually write stuff down so that I don't forget things. But what if I forget to write stuff down?!
Luckily I didn't lie awake fretting. I was able to sleep last night, and this morning I got a bunch of things done. Okay, maybe like two things done, but even just accomplishing one thing made life feel much more manageable.
One thing got done, and suddenly my brain was like "It's all good!"
It also helps that today is gross and rainy. Haha. Like for real, today is cozy and amazing.
There is a crackling fire behind me and someone bought me pizza and listened to me.
I don't think I really understood the value of listening until this summer/fall. I mean, I always knew it was important. So maybe I didn't really understand what listening was until someone actually listened to me.
If you don't know what listening is I'm not sure that I can explain it, because I really thought I understood it before now, but now I'm not so sure.
I guess there is a listening where someone's eyes glaze over, or they say something like "When you are talking I have to think about other things or I'll fall asleep." But there is also a listening where you can see affection in the other person's eyes, and concern and care, and you know that they are listening not just with their ears but with their eyes and heart.
It is a gift to be heard.
I sat and ate pizza on a rainy day and someone listened to me and cared. And the world feels brighter.
You know that feeling when you have so many things going on that you're sure you'll forget something?
I felt that way last night. Like something was about to be forgotten but I didn't know what. I usually write stuff down so that I don't forget things. But what if I forget to write stuff down?!
Luckily I didn't lie awake fretting. I was able to sleep last night, and this morning I got a bunch of things done. Okay, maybe like two things done, but even just accomplishing one thing made life feel much more manageable.
One thing got done, and suddenly my brain was like "It's all good!"
It also helps that today is gross and rainy. Haha. Like for real, today is cozy and amazing.
There is a crackling fire behind me and someone bought me pizza and listened to me.
I don't think I really understood the value of listening until this summer/fall. I mean, I always knew it was important. So maybe I didn't really understand what listening was until someone actually listened to me.
If you don't know what listening is I'm not sure that I can explain it, because I really thought I understood it before now, but now I'm not so sure.
I guess there is a listening where someone's eyes glaze over, or they say something like "When you are talking I have to think about other things or I'll fall asleep." But there is also a listening where you can see affection in the other person's eyes, and concern and care, and you know that they are listening not just with their ears but with their eyes and heart.
It is a gift to be heard.
I sat and ate pizza on a rainy day and someone listened to me and cared. And the world feels brighter.
Write something boring.
What do I want to write today? I don't know, but I know I want to write something!
I've been having fun looking at different layouts and gadgets and what nots for my blog. That's fun!
I often feel like I have to write a certain thing, or change up what I write about. But usually just writing whatever I feel like writing is the most useful. For me, and I think for others.
A friend once said that all you have to do is write the truth and people will relate.
Sometimes the truth is great. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's boring, haha.
I'm really enjoying the random color sketches I've written. Just two so far, but somehow writing about my interaction with colors and the colors interactions with each other has been a really cool exercise and it has taught me about trust.
I wanted write another one but my thought process went something like this: Nah. I can't write about the same thing again. I should write another blog post that isn't some weird undefined thing.
But really I think I should just write what I want to write, and write when I want to write. I mean, usually I frown upon just doing whatever you feel like. Thought is good. But I think that the worst case scenario for just writing whatever is that I write something boring. Cause even if I wrote something hurtful or evil anyone reading it would be able to look at it and have their own thoughts about it, and they might even be useful thoughts.
So, worst case scenario, anyone reading this is like "Hmm, waste of time" and they stop reading it.
I'm okay with that.
I've been having fun looking at different layouts and gadgets and what nots for my blog. That's fun!
I often feel like I have to write a certain thing, or change up what I write about. But usually just writing whatever I feel like writing is the most useful. For me, and I think for others.
A friend once said that all you have to do is write the truth and people will relate.
Sometimes the truth is great. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's boring, haha.
I'm really enjoying the random color sketches I've written. Just two so far, but somehow writing about my interaction with colors and the colors interactions with each other has been a really cool exercise and it has taught me about trust.
I wanted write another one but my thought process went something like this: Nah. I can't write about the same thing again. I should write another blog post that isn't some weird undefined thing.
But really I think I should just write what I want to write, and write when I want to write. I mean, usually I frown upon just doing whatever you feel like. Thought is good. But I think that the worst case scenario for just writing whatever is that I write something boring. Cause even if I wrote something hurtful or evil anyone reading it would be able to look at it and have their own thoughts about it, and they might even be useful thoughts.
So, worst case scenario, anyone reading this is like "Hmm, waste of time" and they stop reading it.
I'm okay with that.
Look Up!
The redness is back. It's dark this time. Not the bright throbbing glow that drew me last time. It's a deep beautiful red. Is it even the same?
The redness is back and it's pulling me again.
I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?
The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.
I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.
There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.
"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.
This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.
Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.
But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.
But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.
Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.
There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.
"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.
"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.
Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.
"Look up." The voice said.
I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.
"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."
"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.
But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.
But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.
"Look up."
In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.
But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.
It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.
The redness is back and it's pulling me again.
I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?
The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.
I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.
There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.
"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.
This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.
Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.
But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.
But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.
Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.
There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.
"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.
"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.
Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.
"Look up." The voice said.
I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.
"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."
"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.
But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.
But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.
"Look up."
In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.
But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.
It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.
Curved brick wall
Sunlight stripes the red brick wall. The once light grey mortar is stained black with age. It is a pleasing wall. It curves gently from the building around to where I am sitting and continues around the curve of the patio. In one sunlit patch of wall I can see spider webs catching the light. Stands of silver adorn the wall. Nature's gift to this manmade structure. A less graceful adornment is the bits of bird poop scattered about on top of the wall and streaking the sides.
It is way too warm for November, nevertheless I am enjoying sitting outside on this slightly overcast day with this brick wall for company. Right now he is holding my chai, because I have a paranoia about liquid being too near my computer. I'm klutzy and I don't want my computer to pay the price for my folly. So my computer is placed on this round little table, and my chai is keeping its distance. Thank you, obliging red wall.
Little brown birds are visiting the wall too. They're certainly not here for me. Every once in awhile I forget that they are there and hum along to the Christmas music in my ears and they flitter away. One is much braver than the other. He has come back a few times, hopping up the levels of the wall, probably looking for stray crumbs.
It is way too warm for November, nevertheless I am enjoying sitting outside on this slightly overcast day with this brick wall for company. Right now he is holding my chai, because I have a paranoia about liquid being too near my computer. I'm klutzy and I don't want my computer to pay the price for my folly. So my computer is placed on this round little table, and my chai is keeping its distance. Thank you, obliging red wall.
Little brown birds are visiting the wall too. They're certainly not here for me. Every once in awhile I forget that they are there and hum along to the Christmas music in my ears and they flitter away. One is much braver than the other. He has come back a few times, hopping up the levels of the wall, probably looking for stray crumbs.
Avoidance and Major Ramblings
But it's easier to avoid these things.
It's easier to avoid everything.
I'm staring at my nearly empty desk. It's Author's Day, apparently.
Am I an author? Will I ever be an author? When I look at my writing I am sure that it is not good enough and I have so much to improve. This thought should be inspiring, but today it is depressing:
If I am not good enough, whose fault is that but my own? The only way that I will get good at writing is to write.
But for some reason I have no motivation today. I am wondering what the point of it all is? Why do anything?
Do you believe in spoilers? I hate spoilers. I hate knowing how things are going to end or what thing might happen in the middle. I like guessing and wondering at it, and if I know what's gonna happen my motivation dies.
It's weird, cause there are books that I love to read over and over again, even though I know how it's going to end, but if the first time through someone tells me some big plot point I get really upset and sometimes don't finish the book. Maybe that's a fault of mine that I need to work on.
Maybe I like suspense, though I hate thrillers.
Maybe I am just rambling because I am trying to avoid my actual writing for today and avoid my thoughts.
Are there spoilers for life? If you KNOW that you are going to get a job would that change how you approach it? Would you be so confident that you would ace the interview or whatever? Or would you not even show up for the interview because you KNOW you are going to get it no matter what?
It's a silly hypothesis because we cannot know the future. We cannot and we should not.
"The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainly." There is some debate on the internet about who said this quote. I'm sure I could figure it out, but who said it isn't important to me right now.
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