Approaching the Lord

I am sure that I have written about this before but I just searched and cannot find where. But whatever, a little repetition never hurt anyone.

I am meditating again on the story of the prodigal son. It is a familiar story to many. Even many non church goers know the basics: The extravagant squanderer returns home.

Sometimes I feel a little cliche or even guilty that some of my favorite stories from the Word or favorite passages are so common. But there's nothing wrong with that. They are favorites to many for a reason!

"When he had spent all, there arose a strong famine throughout that country, and he began to be lacking. And he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he longed to fill his belly from the husks which the swine did eat; and no one gave to him." (Luke 15: 14-16)

Years ago my friends and I started saying "Don't feed pigs" to each other. Which was sort of a way of saying "Don't settle. The Lord has more planned for you. Don't give up on yourself. Don't beat yourself up." And that's an important thing for people to tell you. "You are worth more than many sparrows." Nevertheless, feeding pigs was an important part of this man's journey. When you have nothing and realize that you could at least work for someone, somewhere, then that's a good start.

The first thing is to realize that you are starving, spiritually. "He longed to fill his belly."

"And when he came to himself he said, How many hirelings of my father have an excess of bread, but I perish with hunger! Standing up I will go to my father, and will say to him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son; make me as one of thy hirelings." (17-19)

Once you realize that you are starving you decide to return to the Lord. You know what? that's pretty humiliating. When I screw up, the last people I want to go back to are the people I failed. But humble is exactly what we need to be.

I remember once thinking "If the Lord knew how badly I screwed up He wouldn't want me." But at the same time thinking that if I told a close friend the extent of my wrong doings she would still love me and help me back. That's when I remembered that the Lord is of course more loving and merciful than anyone else anywhere! But because of His power and glory it is WAY scarier to approach Him with my evil. I find it a lot safer to confide in a mere mortal of a friend. But that is why Jehovah God came on earth. So that He could conquer the hells as a human and by taking on this world as Jesus Christ He saved us. He fought every evil that we could ever face. That is what He did for us.

And now comes my favorite part of the story: "And he stood up and came to his father. And being yet a distance away, his father saw him and had compassion, and running, fell on his neck and kissed him." (20)

Can you imagine coming back and seeing your father's house in the distance, or maybe even seeing him and becoming paralyzed? I picture this scenario often. I hate adding anything to the text of the Word. But my picture of returning to the Lord is taking those steps to return to Him, getting just close enough and getting so afraid. I picture sitting down on a hillside and seeing His house in the distance. Lit up and welcoming, but the welcome is what makes me afraid. I'd rather just come back and blend in with the others and not have a big fuss. And I am terrified of seeing my Father's face.

And that is why I love this passage so much: "And being yet a distance away, his father saw him and had compassion, and running, fell on his neck and kissed him."

It is up to us to make the journey back to the Lord, and if we do He comes running out to meet us, and embraces us, and kisses us.

Could we make the last few steps of that journey without Him running out to meet us? Of course not. The truth of the matter is that we can't make any of that journey without Him, and yet nevertheless it is on us to take those steps, even if we don't feel Him. To get close enough that He can run out to meet us. And bring us back in.

"We ought to be merry and rejoice, because this thy brotherwas dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found." (32)

Approaching the Lord is such a huge part of our lives, and it can be desperately scary to come near to Him because our evil is so diametrically opposed to Him. So it hurts to be near the Lord, which doesn't make sense. Shouldn't He be goodness and warmth and comfort? He is all those things and more. Our discomfort is entirely our own, and yet it is a necessary part of regeneration.

Despite our fear and pain, no, because of it, He wants us to come to Him, and He will run to meet us.

"Let the little children come to Me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God." (Luke 18:16)

Don't Get Stuck.

I write a lot of crap. I should probably start writing a draft of something and then deleting it and writing something better. But then I get into these weird mind games of perfection and if this or that is good enough. And that was the point of starting a blog in the first place. To avoid this feeling that I have to be perfect.

"Write out the crap," a friend once told me. Well, I've been writing crap for months, waiting for some breakthrough and inspirational piece that is mind-blowingly awesome. But that's just me being too goal oriented again and not enjoying the process.

I love to paint. I've been trying to paint out the crap too. Most of the time I paint random blobs of color and smears and call it "playing with paint" but even that has begun to feel like a cop out or something. I like to call it playing with paint because it relieves some of the pressure of it being art.

I'm not an artist. I'm not a writer. I'm just an ordinary person who writes words down, and who plays with paint on a canvas.

That's what an artist or writer does.

Yeah but they have skills.

So do you.

Not like them.

Don't you think that at one point they said the same things to themselves? If everyone let their self-doubt get in the way we wouldn't have any writers, artists, musicians, cooks, parents... people who do anything.

I don't want to become cocky and arrogant. I hate the idea of claiming that I have talents because it feels so bloody conceited.

You know what's even more bloody conceited? Saying no to the Lord's gifts.

I am allowed to play with paint. I am allowed to call myself an artist. I am allowed to write crap and I am allowed to call myself an author.

Because the Lord gave me talents and He asks me to use them. It isn't arrogant to thank the Lord for His gifts by using them. Using them to restore my soul, to unwind, to brighten other peoples' lives.

I'm pretty sure He wants us to be doing things. Because it's a lot easier to lead someone who is moving than one who is sitting and waiting to be moved.

But wait, in my very last blog post I quoted Exodus 14:13 - "Stand still and see the salvation of Jehovah." Well, 2 verses later it continues: "Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

Why? Because the Lord wants us to stop for a moment and acknowledge that all good is from Him and that we can do nothing without Him. And then He wants us to keep going.

"Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

A Way Back To Life

In the darkness I gasp for breath. It's always about breathing. So interconnected are the heart and lungs that one cannot feel without the other. There is a slow and inconsistent fluttering in my chest. It is a bird in a tiny cage, trying to stretch, but it keeps flapping its wings in too small a space. Hitting the walls of my heart and bruising them. And then it rests, saving up strength to flutter again.

The fluttering is so gentle. How can it bruise so deeply?

The bird tries again. This time it is hitting its head against the wall. Desperate to be free!

"Stop!" I beg. I try to explain that the more it fights the more it hurts. The smaller the space will feel.

One breath. But it's too tight. I can feel the air as it fights its way free.

"Stop fighting me!" I cry. "I know. I can feel your suffering. You are part of me."

Quiet. Feel that. Patience. Rest.

But the beating grows faster and there is a ripping as the breath disrupts the bird in its cage and it panics, a whirring of wings and talons. And again I am running, trying to escape my heart and lungs as they overwhelm me from within.

The running does nothing to calm the wild bird or bring new air to my lungs. There is no running from the pain. But neither can I look the aching little bird in the eyes. There is no explaining. Will it ever understand?

Peace. Be still.

It always comes back to the need for rest.

Be calm.

But you cannot calm the storm. The winds and waves consume. There is no calm.

Go back. Go back! Move forward. Run. Flee! The emotions storm and pull. Everything is moving every which way at once and there is no peace. Wind beats against me. Salty waves crash over me, wearing me down. I cannot get free of these waves, and I am battered again and again and then I hit something solid and instead of pain it is something to grasp and I cling to it and clamor desperately for strength, for freedom, for light. A rock among the waves and the moment my head breaks the surface I can feel warmth. A wave crashes again and I am battered down below, but I felt the warmth. It is there if I can only stay afloat. And instead of fighting for the surface I let go and I can feel the strength of the rock and I climb on high. Once I am resting above the waves I can feel the full warmth of the sun drying me, warming me. Saving me.

"Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of Jehovah, which He will do for you today." (Exodus 14:13)

Under The Bridge Where I Used To Sit

Under the bridge where I used to sit,

It flowed so loudly, and now I hear its quietness.

I hear the same familiar sounds, but there are new ones too.

I hear the quiet whispers of gentler waters.

Was it always this quiet, but I just couldn't hear it?

I am listening now.



I took a few moments to try to write rhymes

But the words want to flow like the waters beside me.

There is structure in a creek, but sometimes it cuts a wider path,

Never minding if it’s doing things right.

I want to mind. I want to get things right.

But I also want to be the water that is so full it can’t be contained by a mere creek bed.



Under the bridge where I used to sit.

There is so much more for me than the mud under my feet.

The creek has more than the mud it glides over.

I am full of that life, but only if I choose it.

Instead I sit in my troubles, unable to hear.

I am listening now.



I am reminded of a song,

but the waters weren’t the ones who were troubled,

I was.

I was on the bridge looking down at calm waters.

But I could not hear them over the pounding of my heart.

Now I am still. I am closer.



Under the bridge where I used to sit

I hear the quietest sounds of the water as well as the loud.

Who knew a creek of barely a few feet could hold so much depth?

The water is truth, cutting its way, raging - now flowing gently.

I am listening now. I am listening.

Speak Lord.

He is Capable

Sometimes I feel like if I left go of something that I will be letting go of the Lord’s plan. But that’s not true. The Lord can and will work through my stupidity. I’m not advocating for stupidity. It’s never a good idea to launch into something thinking “Whatever. The Lord will save me from my stupidity.” I’m talking about trying to follow the Lord. I want to hear Him but I don’t know what He wants. So if I am trying to follow Him I can let go of a lot of things and if any of those things are in His plans He will bring them back to me or me back to them. If I am trying to follow Him I am not in danger of throwing away some big plan He has for me. If I am trying to follow Him He will lead me, even if I don’t see His providence working, it is. He is capable. If I am trying to hear Him then He will lead me.

"People in the stream of providence are being carried along constantly towards happier things, whatever appearance the means may present. Those in the stream of providence are people who trust in the Divine and ascribe everything to Him." Arcana Coelestia 8478:4

Look Into Each Other's Eyes.

Sometimes you put everyone else's needs and desires above your own. And sometimes you do it for so long and so often that you feel entitled to putting your own needs first for awhile.

I think that's a mistake. We are never entitled to putting ourself above others. There's no conversion chart for being nice for so long and then being allowed to store up on selfishness.

Yes there are moments when you have to take care of yourself. But there is a thin line where it becomes selfishness.

That thin line is a scary thing.

I have to stand up for myself. I have to hold my ground. I can't let myself be walked on or used or drained. But when does walling up inside become selfishness?

My calendar has gorgeous photos and often twippy little saying to go along with: "Be gentle with yourself and be gentle with others. Remember, you are all souls on a human journey, with lessons to learn along the way. Look into each other's eyes and see the innocent child that dwells within. Let compassion be your touchstone and your creed."

Compassion is something I have really resonated with for years. I mean, everyone strives for compassion, right? I hope so, anyway.

Several years ago I was reading Exodus chapter 2, the story of Pharaoh's daughter finding Moses. In verse 6 it says: "And she opened [the basket], and saw him, the child; and behold the boy was weeping. And she had compassion on him, and said, This is from the children of the Hebrews."

I was immediately struck by this because I definitely have a strong reaction to babies crying. I always want to hold the baby and take care of it. Sometimes to a fault where I just want to take the baby from its mother. Not because I don't think the mother can handle it, but because if a baby is crying I just want to hold it!

But there is more to this verse. In the Heavenly Doctrine for the New Church, it explains the deeper meaning to this verse:

"And she had compassion on him. That this signifies admonition from the Divine, is evident from the signification of "having compassion," as being an influx of charity from the Lord; for when anyone from charity sees another in misery (as here Pharaoh's daughter saw the child in the ark of rush and weeping), compassion arises; and as this is from the Lord, it is an admonition. Moreover, when they who are in perception feel compassion, they know that they are admonished by the Lord to give aid." Arcana Coelestia 6737

I read this years ago and that last line has always stuck with me. "Admonished by the Lord to give aid."

This applies to more than crying infants. I see a friend hurting and my heart aches. I want to reach out to them as Pharoah's daughter did to Moses. It is my dream to nurture people. I feel called by the Lord to give aid. But I don't always know how to follow through on a calling. I am often crippled (as I've said many times before on this blog) by perfection. If I don't know how to do a thing right, I won't even try, and that is not what the Lord wants.

But the truth is, having compassion is vulnerable. As my calendar said, "Look into each other's eyes." It is vulnerable and sometimes draining to take on someone else's sorrow, or even their joys! Compassion is a hard thing to balance. I am still learning how to care.

Hinging My Life On One Hope.

“It’s okay to want something and work towards it, but if everything hinges on the achievement of that goal and all will have been for nought if the goal is not achieved, you’re doing it wrong.”

A friend recently said this to me and as obvious as it might seem to some, it was exceedingly striking to me.

I am a very goal oriented person. Sometimes the process is part of that goal, but too often it is a hurdle to get over. Traveling is a super obvious example. I actually have a lot of fondness for car trips, but I really just want to be there already. The same applies to many aspects of my life.

Because of this mentality I have instead been trying to to embrace the process and that means embracing a lot of mess and a lot of failure.

On a recent car trip I was listening to a podcast that was talking about raising perfectionist, and how to avoid that. It is really important to praise someone's process. Not so helpful to only praise the result. It was a little bit terrifying hearing the woman talk about the best way to talk to kids. I'm now petrified of saying the wrong thing. I have to reprogram my entire reaction to things to avoid screwing up the little people, and indeed the adults, in my life.

It's important to see and share the steps of a journey. Even the ugly ones. I don't mean that we should be airing our dirty laundry. I don't think that's useful either, but an example is a before and after photo of a house. People like seeing the steps. They like to see how it went from one thing to another. Because otherwise we're looking at some magic and we only see that someone got from point a to point b but we don't know how. "One thing led to another." Um, okay. How and why did one thing lead to another?

I have recently been saying a lot that I am embracing imperfection. Failure IS an option. But that isn't the goal. The goal is important too! I'm not saying go in to something with the intention of it failing. But just letting life continue if you do fail. I'm not saying that we should not aim for perfection or the ideal. Especially in our spiritual life it is important that we are trying and trying hard. But also being kind to ourselves and others when we aren't perfect. The Lord looks at us with infinite mercy. He wants us to succeed, and He gives us infinite encouragement and help. But He does not turn His back on us when we are not perfect. He is always giving us hope and a way back.

When I travel by car or by plane I just want to be there already. I would love to be able to apparate and skip the traveling part. That is true of some skills too. I would love to skip the learning process of ukulele. It's slow and I feel like a beginner all the time, even though I have been playing for over a year.

But with painting, I don't want to skip the process. If I skipped the process and just had finished paintings around my room I wouldn't care about them. But when I paint something I see the process as I go. I take a picture and I post a half finished painting to embrace the process and to know that I created something because I put in the effort. And I will continue to put in the effort and make it better. Painting is a process that I love even though it is never perfect. And it's only one of the many things that makes me happy. Life is more than one thing. It has to be.

The Last Attempt

The machines whirred as the couple argued across the lifeless form of their disappointing son.

"He doesn't need an older sister to look up to. He needs a younger sister he can look down on."

"Charming! But you've had your say and it's my turn to design his childhood!" She held up a syringe filled with thick orange liquid. "I want to inject him with these memories and try a different tact this time!"

"Suit yourself! But I warn you that he will not be ready if you give him a mollycoddling older sister!"

"Ready for what?" she spat. "I don't want him ready for any of that, I want to give him something to be proud of! Something that he can choose."

"That's ridiculous! Just watch the last round of his life and see for yourself!" he said pushing past her to turn on the simulation.

"I was there. I saw it for myself first hand!" she said reaching up to stop him from pushing the button.

He slapped her hand away.  "Then you know it was a disaster!" he said, continuing with the sequencing.

"Yes, which is why I want to try this! I don't think it will be a disaster to give him an older sister."

He gave her one cold look before turning back to the machines and answering. "Just remember that we have to live it too, and I don't want another child, even if she is older. We'll have to deal with her too!" He finished the sequence and hit the button and they were plunged into the full living memories of the last attempt.

The Lord Doesn't Have Grandchildren.

I'm still reading through Numbers and hearing how the children of Israel are just not making it in to the promised land. It doesn't really confuse me because I grew up with this story. It's not confusing, but as I read it as an adult I see a lot more layers to it. I read this recently and it struck me again that the Lord promised this land.

“Surely none of the men that went up out of Egypt, from a son of twenty years and upward, shall see the ground which I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob; for they have not fully come after me.” Numbers 32:11

He keeps promising it to every generation. To Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. To Jacob's sons and all their children. But promised doesn't mean guaranteed. I read the Word and every single chapter reinforces this idea that while the Lord promises us heaven that doesn't mean we get there because our parents were promised it or because their parents were, or even because it was promised to us!

At baptism our parents make a promise to the Lord to teach us His commandments and His prayer and to raise us in the Word and His ways. In a New Church service of baptism the minister even says "This child is now enrolled and numbered in heaven." We absolutely have to raise our children to follow the Lord. We are supposed to baptize them and teach them how to read the Word and give them all the tools so that they can fight and be warriors for the Lord.

But even a baptized child can go astray. Look at the children of Israel. God's chosen people didn't all make it in to the land despite being circumcised (the forerunner of baptism), despite being chosen and promised the land.

Why didn't they make it in? Because they did nothing. Simply put, they didn't make it in to the land because they didn't go into the land.

The Lord gave us rules to follow. If we don't, we don't enter the promised land. It's relatively simple, though certainly not easy.

It is not enough to get by on the faith of our parents. It is not enough to just bring your kids to church or send them to a church school. They have to live it. They have to see it being lived by the people around them. They have to choose it for themselves.

The Lord doesn't have grandkids. Every single person is a child of the Lord. That means that each person is responsible for turning toward Him. And we better give our children the tools to choose Him.

Religion Doesn't Make Me Happy.

I recently read the following: "The hard reality is that we are not currently offering a form of church that is engaging our young people and so they find other things to do with their time."

And it just struck me: It's not the church's job to engage young people or anyone. We totally have an entitlement problem in the church, in our country, and in the world.

We want to change everything else to suit ourselves.

I don't go to church to hear what I want to hear. That isn't the point of it. I don't want them to cater to me. I go to church to learn about the Lord and because it's the right thing to do. It has nothing to do with whether or not it's engaging or captivating.

"Find other things to do with their time." Yes. I have so many other things to do with my time. But I choose church, not because it's exciting and fun. But because it's important to learn about the Lord and to worship Him, even if I don't feel like it.

Today there was a fantastic sermon about rewards. Guess what? Good people don't get rewards here. The Lord doesn't want us to be merit seeking so He doesn't give us exactly what we want. In fact, people doing evil often prosper. If it were as simple as bad people immediately being punished and good people receiving immediate reward then it wouldn't be a choice anymore, would it? It would be compulsion, and the Lord does not force us to follow Him.

I loved church today because while I know this stuff I still needed to hear it. And it wasn't a cheerful sermon about how great I am and how much the Lord loves me. It was hard. It pretty much told me that a life of piety is really not as appealing as a life of sin. I don't go to church to be comforted and made happy. Life is hard, and being good doesn't produce rewards. So going to church, reading the Word, and being a good person can be a long, hard, uphill battle, but it will be worth it. I know it. It's just hard in the meantime.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you might have peace; in the world you shall have affliction; but have confidence, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

Balance

It has been really hard for me to balance what I am supposed to be doing vs what the Lord is doing in my life. He is everything. I could not breathe without Him. I know that. He is everything. He does everything. And without Him I can do nothing. I could keep going. How many different ways are there to say that I can't do anything and He does everything?

So what do I do?

I have been reading True Christian Religion and if you are facebook friends with me you may have seen that I recently posted that this book continually blows my mind. I open it and I just keep coming across things that I often already know, but said in such a way that it sometimes takes my breath away. I was sitting at Starbucks reading the other day and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

One of the many passages I underlined was: "It must be borne in mind that in man the Lord alone is active and man of himself is merely passive; and that is is by means of the influx of life from God than man is also active." (TCR 110:6)

And I shared this one in my last blog post: “Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.” (TCR 105)

The balance of doing everything. Realizing that the Lord cannot (or will not) push me out of bed in the morning. I have to do that. The Lord will not drive me to church. I have to do that. The Lord will not write for me, paint for me, be kind to people for me. And yet, He is the only reason that I can do any of those things. I could not paint if the Lord did not will it. I could not paint if He was not inside of me and encouraging me to let His love and talents flow through me. It is the Lord alone who does anything.

So how do I find that balance? It seems simple enough: Do all the things, and give all the glory to God. But in practice?

If I were to lie in bed all day every day, not even look at my phone and "like" someone's post. If I do nothing, is the Lord still working in me? ("If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there!") Well, yes.

But can I just coast along? Can I inner-tube my way into heaven?

Well, I have been reading the book of Numbers. It's about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness and traveling toward the promised land. Sound familiar? It certainly does to me! I wander constantly. Hopefully toward the Promised Land! But that's the interesting thing. The Lord promised this land to the children. He promises Heaven to all of His children. A promise. He will bring us into the land! So why doesn't everyone end up in that land?

In chapter 13 spies go in to the land to scout and come back with a report. It's no good. It's too scary. We aren't going to make it. It's a familiar story to a lot of people. Only Joshua and Caleb say that it can be done: "For prevailing, we will prevail over it!" (13:30)

But the people doubt and in the very next chapter they say that they would rather have died in Egypt. Isn't that the way of things? "I don't like this. I want to go back to how things were, even if I was a slave!"

But Joshua and Caleb persist: "If Jehovah delights in us He will bring us into this land... and Jehovah is with us: fear them not."

The Lord is with us. If we can just accept that and go up and take the land. That is all He asks of us. Take it. Possess it. Go into the land! It's really not asking much, nevertheless we must do it! All they had to do was trust the Lord and go, and they didn't, so they weren't allowed to enter the land. Period. The land that was promised to them! They didn't get to go because they weren't willing to do the work that He asked them to do.

So often when I read these stories I identify with Caleb and Joshua. I identify with the prodigal son's older brother.

But that is what self examination is for. To realize that while I am definitely the arrogant older brother who "was ​angry, and was not willing to enter in" (sound familiar?!) I might go to church, read the Word, and wax philosophical, but I am also very much the younger brother, in much need of returning to the Father. I am absolutely both.

I like to think that I would be like Caleb and Joshua and be like "Guys! Look, the Lord promised us this. Let's just try trusting Him." But I am SO the other children doubting and being too afraid to enter.

The land is promised, but we still have to follow Him and trust Him if we're gonna make it in. It takes so much humility. Humility that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve. Trust that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve.

I don't write these blog posts to say what other people need to do. I write these to remind myself of my failings. I seldom trust the Lord. He says "Go!" and I say "I'd rather die in Egypt." There is so much fear in me. I think about these things a lot, not because I am good at them, but because I am terrible at them!

The following is one of my favorite passages in the Word, not because I am this way but because I want to be:

"And I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? And I said, Here am I; send me."

When the road gets torn up.

I think it was in the fall that our road got repaved. It took days as they tore up one side, then the other. Paved one side, then the other.

And then it was another few days (weeks?) before they painted the yellow lines, painted the white lines. Then painted over the lines and re-did them?!

Anyhow, our road has been relatively smooth all winter and it's been a nice road. It's been a quiet road because of the bridge being closed (I love the bridge being closed!)

Last night all of the sudden there was a crew tearing up the road. I didn't know why. It was a pain to get out of my driveway, and I was sure they'd be gone when I got home but there were still working when I came home late.

This morning I look out at the road and the once smooth road is covered in muddy tire tracks which will wash away, and a crappy little patch of asphalt which will mellow in time.

It is funny to look out at the road and think "Why couldn't they have done this work before the road was beautifully re-paved? What an ugly mar on an otherwise lovely road!"

But that's not how life works. There was a gas leak and it needed to be fixed! When the road was re-paved was of no concern, nor should it have been!

So why did I think this was worth writing about? Because it's what I'm looking at out of my window, and sometimes you just gotta write things! But also, I was thinking about spiritual life.

It's so much easier to not stir things up. I want the smooth pavement, and I don't want to dig underneath it to fix the problems. It's so much easier to ignore the spiritual gas-leak.

Ignoring it is easier.

But actually it's not. It's killing you! It is slowly killing you, or it could literally blow up in your face!

It's a lot easier to see the truth of that when I look out at a patched up road. Maybe it's because I can see that it's all fine now. Maybe it's because it's not me. It's just a road that I take for granted.

I take way too much of my spiritual life for granted. It's easier to coast by with the smallest amount of maintenance. But that's not what the Lord has in mind for us.

C.S. Lewis is the man! And this passage from True Christian Religion 105 says almost the same thing:

“Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.”