It is not good that man should be alone

The Lord God, Creator of the universe, designed it such that people are supposed to be teamed up to take on the world together.

People are not meant to be alone. Men are not meant to be alone and women are not meant to be alone. The Lord intends for everyone to find a teammate along the way. 

"For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave until his wife and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

So why are some people alone? Freedom is the obvious answer. If the Lord wanted it to be so, He could just make it so that every person found their partner and lived happily ever after. But He values our freedom above our happiness and even our salvation. He allows us to make choices so that we can choose Him in freedom, and choose each other in freedom.

Now that isn't to say that the single people of the world have freely chosen this path. Some have chosen to be single, sure. But that's not why I'm single. And I'm sure there are a lot of other people who would choose to be married if they could.

So what went wrong? Why are there people who want marriage and are not married? Something went wrong, right? I don't like to think of single people as lesser people. The Lord loves everyone. Single people aren't entitled to less of His love, but do they perhaps feel it less? And plain and simple are they as happy and fulfilled?

That the state of marriage is to be preferred is because this state exists from creation; because its origin is the marriage of good and truth; because its correspondence is with the marriage of the Lord and the Church; because the Church and conjugial love are constant companions; because its use is more excellent than the uses of all else in creation, for thence is the propagation of the human race according to order, and also of the angelic heaven, this being from the human race. Add to this, that marriage is the fullness of man; for by its means man becomes a complete man. (Conjugial Love 156)

Yep. Confirmed. Marriage is the best. So why do some people not get to be part of that? And to be entirely blunt, why do some people not get to be complete?

Later in CL 156:

That from creation there was implanted in man and woman an inclination to conjunction as into a one, and also the faculty thereof, and that these are in man and woman still, is evident from the Book of Creation and at the same time from the Lord's words. In the Book of Creation, which is called Genesis, we read:

Jehovah God built the rib which He had taken from man into a woman, and brought her to the man. And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; her name shall be called Ishah [woman], because she was taken out of Ish, man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Gen. II. 22-4. 

[2] From these passages it is evident that woman was created out of man, and that there is in both an inclination and a faculty of reuniting themselves into a one. That the reunion is into one man is also evident from the Book of Creation where both together are called Man; for we read, In the day that God created man, male and female created He them, and called their name Man. It is said here, He called their name Adam, but in the Hebrew language, Adam and Man are the same word.

So, it's clear to me that the ideal state is the married state. And if it's ideal, it's what the Lord hopes for for all of us. And yet He will not take away our freedom and just grant us that marriage. So I circle back around: Why do some people who are following the Lord and His Word get to be married and other people do not?

I think to some degree we do put marriage on too high a pedestal. Someone created a lot of external trappings that distract from real marriage and the purpose of weddings and marriage. The bride is important, the groom is important, the friends, the ceremony and the party are important. The Lord is essential, and everything else is not important. But this is a rant I should probably not go into now.

Marriage is special. Marriage is ideal, and just because some of the ideas surrounding it have been completely misused and abused does not negate the importance and use of marriage. And I think that's one of the reasons I care so much about marriage, and being married myself: I want to reclaim marriage and use it for what it's for and to build and create something that is so valuable to the Lord.

And part of me knows that I can work on my marriage and serve marriages in this world without myself being married to another person, but it seems like much harder work. And I know that marriage is hard work too, but there's a reason the Lord planned us to have partners, so no matter how many times people tell me of ways that I too can be working toward marriage and supporting marriage it doesn't seem like a real and whole thing to do with my life.

I love supporting marriages, and supporting my single friends in their hopes for future marriages. I love taking care of children and spending time with families and doing as much as I can to love and care for marriage. It's a start, but it only feels like a start. And starting out is often the hardest part. And a perpetual start can be exhausting.

"It is not good that man should be alone."

Past joys and future battles

Why can't things go back to the way they were? I think I say this often, and so do others. But the truth is that life will never be the same as it was.

It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies:

"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." Margaret Hale (North and South)

I probably think about this too much. We're not supposed to live in the past, and that's a good thing. We're supposed to keep moving forward.

We're not supposed to live in the past, but we're not supposed to live in the future either. And it should be easier to take one day at a time so why must I invest so much in trying to fight all the battles at once?

I think it's because I want to make my life easier. So I try to do things now that will limit the hurt and fear in the future... by taking it on now... but I will always have a future that I want to make brighter so if I am always trying to make the future better my life will always be too busy to enjoy. I think we all know this and it's an oft repeated idea, and yet I know that I constantly need the reminder that there's plenty to worry about now without borrowing from the future. A friend recently shared this with me, and I laughed and then cried.

I really just have one battle but it affects all of my life. And, for better or for worse, I refuse to put it back.

Waiting for inspiration helps no one

I keep waiting to write. Waiting for inspiration that may never come. I am still trapped by this idea that I must have something to write about. Something worth sharing.

But that's not why I write. I don't write to wow the people. I mostly write to process. I write out my thoughts because I need to be able to read them. I need to see what I'm thinking and saying so that I can make sense of it. Writing is super helpful to me, so even when I'm saying nothing of consequence it is helping me become a better writer. And also a better human.

But it's not just about me. I do want other people to get something out of what I write. But what I write doesn't have to be useful to other people for it to benefit them directly. But I believe that through writing, even if I'm writing out the crap, that I can become a better person.

And I think that that is all I have for today. Little by little.

You are worth more than many sparrows.

Frustrations abound. For no reason. One little thing sets off another and suddenly a little confusion in today's plans throws the whole future into disarray.

I am worrying about next week and the week after and all the things I have to get done before Christmas. Yes, Christmas. I have had Christmas on my mind all summer. Mostly the Christmas Pageant/Tableaux and all the things I have to do before December even begins. Costumes, casting, and building an entirely new platform/stage.

So, that should not be stressing me out on a random Monday in August but it is. Because I don't know the future and suddenly everything is piling on and I'll never be able to get this stage built before December. Cause once the school year starts everything is moving so fast and everyone's schedules are so busy and then all of the sudden it's December and nothing is ready.

And December isn't close enough to stress about so of course I figured I would start stressing about the rest of my life. And suddenly I'm in tears because I have chosen to look into the future and take all the stress and carry it now.

But tears feel like a betrayal. When I cry because things aren't going according to my plans I'm betraying the Master Planner by saying that His plans aren't working for me. I don't trust Him. I want it my way. So tears feel like a slap in the face to my Creator and His providence.

And this leads back to my earlier posts about expressing feelings and validation.

Is it a slap in God's face to cry? Of course not! So that's not really a valid feeling, and yet I feel it. It's that vicious cycle of knowing that the Lord does want me to cry and cast my burden on Him, but feeling like it's an act of selfish denial of His power. And so I want to be strong, and it feels like strength to stifle the tears and soldier on. But I know, rationally I know, that that is weakness not strength. I must cast my burden on Him and He will sustain me.

Matthew 6
26 Look intently at the birds of the sky; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his stature?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they labor not, neither do they spin;
29 but I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these.
30 And if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Be not therefore anxious, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, With what shall we be arrayed?
32 For all these things do the nations seek; for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His justice, and all these things shall be added to you.
34 Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow shall be anxious for the things of itself. Sufficient for the day is the evil of it.

You can't hug a goldfish

I cleaned my room! I still need to organize some shelves, but the floor is totally clean, all laundry is stowed, and my desk is nearly empty! It feels very good to walk into my room.

But yesterday my sister in law got gold fish, and as crazy as it is, it made me feel lonely. I was struck with a desire to have goldfish too. Maybe a couple goldfish in a bowl on my desk for companionship. Then I remembered how much I don't like fish and that maybe I should get a cat. I've never considered having a pet before. But today I was struck with an overwhelming desire to have a kitten. I could just picture the little fuzzball curled up on my lap or playing in my room.

Then I remembered that I have severe cat allergies. But even now there is a window opened on my browser for hypoallergenic cats. But I know it's not realistic. Hypoallergenic cats aren't allergen free and can still cause problems.

Because I know I have allergies I've never spent any time wondering about cats or dogs. So why now? Is there something inherent in single women in their 30s that just says "Ok. Time to give up and become a cat lady!" ??

I know that this has been brought on from E.A.S (Empty Arms Syndrome). After a week at the shore with kids, including my 2 month old niece, I am missing holding that little baby. I just want to snuggle some cute little things. I think I am feeling hug deprived. Good thing one of my best hugs friends is coming to visit in less than a week! Huzzah! I just need all the hugs.

Clean room

I need to clean my room. Even though I've done a few trips recently I'm actually quite proud of how quickly I unpacked my suitcase after the trips. My laundry is clean, it's just waiting for me to fold it and put it away. Other things I brought with me to camp (like my pile of sharpies) are just sitting on my desk. It's really not that hard to put it away, right? Why are they still sitting there?

Once my room is clean I will feel happier with life. I'll be able to focus on writing again. And I'm gonna get my paints out and paint too. I'm not sure if I'll do oil or water color. Oil is just such a pain to clean up, but the results are pretty satisfying. Or there's acrylic, which is therapeutic - it is so healing to push paint around on canvas - but the results are always meh. I also need to play ukulele! I didn't bring my uke to the shore with me so I haven't played in over a week which is no good!

I woke up too early. I've already been awake for two hours, and I have two hours until church. I want to go back to sleep but I can't. So I will turn on some music and clean my room.

The waiting game

I often play this game with the ocean. It's a waiting game where I stand so close to the water and wait for the waves to come to me. I use it to think about how often I wait for things in life. I wrote the following last summer on August 20th 2016:

Good morning ocean! I stood on the beach in easy reach of the water. I though it was too easy, and yet it took possibly more than ten minutes and more waves than I can count till one finally got my feet. Looking to the right and left I could see that the water reached farther up on either side of me and I could see the marks on the sand to where the water kept coming to. Just missing my feet.

Maybe if I had started further back the ocean would have come to me sooner. I almost gave up waiting. Would I give up by stepping closer or stepping back? With the ocean I decided that I would give up by stepping back and not even dipping my toes in the water this morning. When I decided that, it took a few but a wave licked my toes and surrounded my feet. So I stepped confidently into the waves.

This is a metaphor for how I often view relationships. I come close, but not too close, and I wait. Sometimes I do better at waiting. Other times not so much. Of course this time my decision to turn away was what it took for the water to reach me. But it wasn't a trick. I wasn't thinking "This will get the waves to embrace me." I was thinking "I'm not going to stand and wait any longer."

In a relationship sometimes I'm not ready to make that call. I am willing to wait. Or am I? I know eventually the water will reach me. But I don't know about a guy. I don't want to dig my heals in and wait. I want to go forward and ask the sea what it wants from me because I feel sure I can make something work. But with that attitude I am not letting go. I will only trust my plan.

But I must trust the Lord's plan which means letting go of control. Walking away and seeing if the ocean will follow. But is the ocean trustworthy? Or is this metaphor bunk? I can't let go. Is it fair to ask the ocean questions? If I don't step forward but instead shout out to the ocean "Are you coming?" But the ocean cannot answer. It doesn't know.

It doesn't know and nor do I. One knows, and yet I cannot trust. I cannot turn to the One who knows. Why is it too scary to ask the Maker of tides?

Oh, oh I have moved up the beach and am sitting now and the water gets closer and closer! A sign? Literally sit back and relax. The Keeper of tides has you in His hands. He will take care of you. Trust in Him. He will give you the desires of your heart.

Nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.

Painting with words

I have fifteen minutes to write something amazing before I'm back on duty.

Here I sit in my room of blue. I don't know which is my favorite room in this house, but I certainly love this one with its blue stained walls. It's one of the two end rooms which means it has windows facing ocean and bay and the cross breeze is beautiful. I think I have slept best this year with 3 cozy blankets. Most years I am far too hot.

The fans are off now and I can hear the ocean waves making their way to shore. I can hear the cry of a gull, but I can also hear the traffic on the boulevard. I've already written about the traffic. It is not noisome and annoying like some traffic might be, but it is the sound of people on vacation. Coming and going. It makes me cheerful to think of people arriving here.

But my attention goes back to the window on my right. The horizon is so straight. Blue on blue. Light against dark. It's like someone cut two sheets of blue and carefully pasted them together so the line was as crisp as can be. Beneath the vast expanse of sky blue lies the gentle sea blue. As vast as the ocean is it cannot measure up to how vast the sky. Smaller still are the two rolling dunes with their splashes of green. These were not cut with straight shears, rather hand-ripped paper to achieve the bumpy hills and sporadic grass, layering dark greens over the sandy mounds to create the piney bushes.

One minute left. Words are slipping away with the time. I must run. But I shall return.

Rambling rain

Describe all the things. Weave in and out of nonsense and poetic writing if you have to, but write. Every once in awhile I fall upon something I actually like. Too often I don't like what I write, but I can't even begin to like it if I don't first write it. So I will write and it doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

The window is moving. It's crawling with rain. Crawling isn't the right word, but I don't know what the right word is. The glass itself looks like it is perpetually flowing and yet the glass stays firm and it its place. The birds don't seem to mind the rain. I can see them circling the dunes, riding the wind currents home. Or perhaps they are being pushed violently away from their homes. They are all floating the same direction. There are strong gusts of winds. I can hear it whistling through cracks and whipping around the corners.

Why is it that I would much rather talk talk talk? Describe a conversation rather than describe the weather or my surroundings?

Maybe it's not worth analyzing. I just need to strengthen different writing muscles.

I love this weather. It doesn't make me sad. It makes me feel cozy and comforted. I'm enjoying being in a brightly lit kitchen looking out on the wind and rain.

Weak. I don't love this writing. But I don't have to. The end.

Cars in the distance

It was a cool evening. Not cold, but cool enough to warrant being wrapped in my cozy sweatshirt in August. My favorite summer evening weather! I sat on the deck listening to the crickets and the sound of waves breaking on the other side of the dunes. The occasional distant sound of a car reminded me of my childhood. There was something nostalgic about the rumbling sound of car tires rolling along the pavement. It reminded me of pulling into my grandparents' house after a long car trip. The east coast is alive with night sounds. You can hear bugs if you listen for them. The west coast didn't have so many bugs. It was weirdly quiet. Of course there's always a trade off because here you get eaten alive. I remember nights in California, lying on the grass at night and not being afraid of the bugs. Yes, that was childhood, but it was also San Diego.

I remember pulling into my grandparents' driveway and half waking up. I remember the porch light and the screen door greeting us with a squeak. And there were the lightning bugs. Such a magical part of visiting my grandparents' home. And the smells. The smells of the night air and the smells of their kitchen. I specifically remember the smell of Cracklin Oat Bran wafting from the pantry stairs: slightly sweet, with a hint of nutty earth smell... probably mingled with a bit of rancid. I don't know if they ate it themselves or if it was there for us, but we didn't visit often so I hope that it was in flux.

We didn't visit often and yet, the sound of a lone car on the road reminded me of arriving after a long trip in the car. I must have a specific memory that all the other memories hang on, for it wasn't a frequent occurrence.

Sitting now, close to the shore was a more frequent happening. I could hear the crickets and the waves and yet my ears were tuning into the cars passing infrequently along the boulevard. That dull hush of passing cars will always remind me of the end of a long trip. That sound is the end of a long day. The sound that draws you in and says "Welcome traveler. Rest now."

Are all feelings valid?

Are all feelings valid? I've seen a few articles recently about letting kids feel the feels. And some people have said that they don't think it IS valid for kids to be allowed to express all their emotions. But I think it depends on some definitions.

What does "express" mean?

Express - convey (a thought or feeling) in words or by gestures and conduct.

I guess I believe in freedom of speech, but I also believe in consequences. I don't think children OR adults should just be allowed to scream anything.

So, I guess I'd say that humans should be allowed to FEEL the feelings, but not necessarily allowed to express them. Some gestures, conduct or words are just not appropriate. I think everyone realizes that.

When I think about things that I feel, I KNOW that they're crazy, or even wrong. And that can make it so much worse that I feel them. So I would like people to acknowledge my feelings but not to validate them. Some feelings are not valid, but that doesn't mean I don't feel them.

A very basic example is when I get cold. I remember as a kid my brothers saying things like, "It's not cold. I'm not cold!" and I would look down at my arms covered in goosebumps and think to myself "Um, I didn't choose to feel cold. I'm not doing this on purpose, to annoy you. I cannot change the fact that I feel cold. I don't care what temperature it is, my body is shivering!" but I didn't usually say anything. I would just get angry because I couldn't express to them that I couldn't control my body temperature.

But what about emotions? Can we choose what emotions we feel? Do we have control over them? I'd say that we don't have control over the thoughts and feelings that come into our heads and hearts, but we can control what we do with them once they're there.

Someone once said, "You can't choose what thoughts enter your head, but you can control which ones you invite in for tea." The point being that you are not responsible for the thoughts that come in to your head. If you see someone and your thought is "I wanna kill that person," you don't have to make yourself guilty of that feelings you can immediately be like "Ugh! I don't want to think that!" and kick it out of your head. If you sit there thinking about all the ways to kill that person, then you're culpable. You are inviting the thought in for tea. Meditating on some evil.

So yeah, if someone says "I feel ___." The reaction should never be "No, you don't feel that way." That's not helpful and it's not true. You cannot know what another person is feeling. If they tell you how they are feeling you don't get to contradict them.

People often want to make someone feel better so if I were to say to a friend "I feel useless. I feel like I'm not lovable" and he responded in well-meaning kindness "No! You are very lovable and such a useful person" that might seem like a kind thing to say, but all he has done is invalidate my feelings.

I believe that the appropriate response is "I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. How can I help you?" He doesn't have to agree with me. He doesn't have to say that the feelings are valid, but he should acknowledge that I do in fact feel that way whether or not I should.

If a friend were to say to me "I don't feel love for my husband." I should not respond "Yes you do! Let me remind you why!" I should say "Oh man! I'm so sorry. That sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way! What can I do?" Of course I would want to help her remember why she loves her husband, but I think it's important to acknowledge what the other person is feeling before trying to make it better.

So, with adults you can acknowledge, but not affirm feelings, but can you do the same with children?

If a kid falls down and sees that an adults is watching they oftentimes will burst into tears because they want comfort. So I try not to react strongly to a kid falling down. I usually pick them up and cheerfully say something like "Oops! Are you okay?" Gasping nearly always results in the child wailing. Is that wrong? Is that distracting the kid from expressing their emotions? But if they really are okay, it's not really doing them a service to let them wail. And if they are truly upset or hurt (physically or emotionally) is it then okay to let them cry?

I think so, but sometimes if a kid is upset by something like spilled milk is crying really warranted? I  want to be able to tell my kids that that isn't worth crying over. And maybe if they need to cry that other people don't need to hear it. I guess people should be allowed to cry if they want to, but no one is obligated to feel sorry for them if they do.

Another thing I find myself wondering about is saying "It's okay" to a crying child or baby. I used to think that perhaps that wasn't a fair thing to tell them. "You're okay" "It's okay" sounds like it's brushing off their feelings and not letting them emote. But a few nights ago I was holding a crying baby and found myself rubbing her back and saying "It's okay to cry. It's okay." And realized that I wasn't trying to talk her out of crying, I was trying to reassure her that the crying was okay. "It's okay to feel sad."

Because sometimes you just feel sad, like you just feel cold. I can't change how I feel, but I can always choose what I do about it.

Throw out the plan, stick to the Plan

I'm at the shore! It's only been a day and it feels much longer. Some things shifted the entire schedule today which normally would stress me out. It's day one and the schedule I spent a bit of time orchestrating is already thrown out. I normally would be kinda frazzled, but I'm at the shore, with lovely humans so it's really so much easier to go with the flow and make everything work.

Secondly, I mediated a few disputes about stolen matchbox cars and chalk drawn roads and feel pretty pleased about that too. The kids weren't listening to each other and I didn't fix it, I made them talk to each other and listen and I think it worked.

At one point one of the kids yelled something like "He shouldn't be mad!" and it just got me thinking about my "Are all feelings valid?" post that I'm still working on and hope to post soon!

I don't know why I think that life is so good, but it is. It really is just wonderful! I have wonderful family, wonderful friends, and I am currently in one of the most lovely places on earth! I feel quite happy with the Plan today.

Crying: Is it secret? Is it safe?

Ah ha! Writing the crap was useful. I just want to write all the things. I want to work on my stalled out story, I want to write more blog posts and feel all the feels.

I don't know what I want to write about, but it's through writing that I get inspired to write. I just start rambling about life and sometimes it continues to ramble and sometimes it becomes something.

I am a super supressor. Of tears, of emotions. And I want to let them out. I want to cry for nearly no reason right now. I cried twice in the last two days which is a lot for me, and I want to cry more. It's like writing. Writing inspires more writing, crying inspires more crying.

Does the writing have to mean anything for it to be worth it? Does the crying have to mean anything to be worth it? I want to cry because my shoulder hurts. Not badly. Not the kind of pain that really induces aching tears, but it hurts a fraction and that should be enough to let me cry. Haha.

I've always wondered why crying is so hard for me. As a child I cried a lot. My Daddy let me cry. I never felt suppressed in my childhood. I cried a lot. I think because a) I was an emotional child and the feelings were real and valid and b) I was a manipulative child (like all children?) and used tears to get my way. Thinking back on it, I can't ever remember fake crying (but that certainly doesn't mean I didn't do it) but I think I most often used real sad feelings to get my way.

So, I wasn't stunted as a child. 

Or was I?

I think one of the things that prevents me from crying most often is worrying about what other people will think of me. I don't want people to pity me and I don't want people to worry about me or maybe even care about me. That's strong, but I really don't like manipulating people with my emotions. I want people to care about me because I've logically convinced them that I'm worth caring about. I am always worried that people will agree to things that they don't actually want to.

Setting aside tears, when I ask someone for something or if they want to do something, I am of course afraid of rejection. It's human to fear rejection. But I'm also really afraid that they will say "yes" to something that they wish they could say no to. I live in fear of people agreeing to things they don't want.

So back to tears, I am afraid of other people reacting to my tears. Here I sit, across from another human. If I were to start crying while writing I assume that he would notice, probably even stop what he was doing and ask if I was okay. I don't want him to stop his work to deal with me. But I'd probably feel worse if I sat here crying and he didn't react at all. And so my only option is to sit here, suppressing the tears that want to squish out of my eyes. I can feel them. I don't have any idea what they're doing there or what they mean. My little Inside Out people in my brain didn't tell me why anything should be sad right now. I don't feel sad. I don't feel neglected or anything. I just really like crying. But I also hate it.

And while it might seem ridiculous to hold back the silly unlabeled tears, I honestly FEEL like I will FEEL better if I just hold them in and don't let them disrupt other peoples' lives. And yet, I bet a lot of people would actually feel like their day held more meaning if they comforted a friend.

If I trade places with my friend how would I feel? Would I feel happy to give up on this journal entry to help a friend? Of course I would! So why can't I treat myself the same way?

Do I feel the same way about other emotions? If I were writing something else and started laughing, would I feel disruptive? Would I feel bad? No, I think that it is much easier to ignore a slight laugh than the silent trickling tears. A friend might ask what is funny, but they certainly wouldn't be remiss if they didn't ask. If I couldn't stop laughing then sure, some conversation might ensue. But it is definitely a different type of thing. Partly because I wouldn't mind getting someone out of their mood to laugh with me or to enjoy something fun or funny that I could share.

But I have been in the opposite place of being with friends, laughing and having a good time and then having someone show up in tears and killing the mood. Did I want to comfort this crying man? Not particularly, I did feel jarred into a completely different mood. Was it wrong of him to kill the atmosphere that we had created with laughter and fun? Is it wrong of me to think that perhaps he could have chosen a different way to enter? I know that if I were coming to a party and felt like crying I wouldn't have showed up, or I would have come, pulled aside a friend and asked for some support.

And of course I have been in situations with friends where through conversation or whatever they begin to cry and that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I just want to hug them and love them and care for them and I don't feel like I am being manipulated or any such nonsense. 

I don't have the answers. I just know that I am afraid. Far too often I am afraid. Are my feelings valid? Does valid have anything to do with it? Ah yes, I will write another post on whether or not feelings are valid and what I think about that! But for now, I will end this somewhat sad entry and maybe go work on my story.

Crazy is a good place to be

More crap. I have been holding off writing because I want to write at the shore, because it's beautiful and inspiring. But I have to write, even when it's not inspiring and I am not inspired. Inspiration will only come if I start writing. So even if I'm just writing the crap, I must write.

I'm packing. I'm SO excited for the shore. It's going to be so much fun! All the fun people and dishes and bacon and coffee!

I always pack too much stuff, but oh well.

Plans are crumbling around my ears! I want things to stay sane. I'm going crazy, but it's okay. Crazy is a good place to be sometimes. I just have too many expectations for how things could/should go and when they don't I can get stressed out and angry or sad.

Expectations for the day, when I'm going where, what other people are doing, but I can't control things and that's a good thing.

Then there's beyond my current day and week, and thinking about all my life and the future and not knowing how things will look in a few weeks, in a few months, in a few years. Not knowing who I will still be really good friends with and who will drift in and out of my life.

I hate not knowing things. And I hate not having control. But it's useful and necessary. Knowing the future would suck more than not knowing it. Being in control of my life would be so much worse than not being in control. It's supposed to work this way, and it scares me.