It's been more than a week since I've written anything. And even longer since I wrote anything particularly coherent. I'm not sure that this will be any sort of improvement on past posts. I have become too high and mighty. I have decided that I can't write the crap anymore, when that is precisely what I need to be doing. Write a little every day, even if it's the worse writing ever. Cereal.
I have been sick for like a week. It started with a very minimal sore throat and cough a few days before Christmas. I kept thinking it was gonna get worse. It didn't. Nor did it get better. Just a tiny bit of cough and sore throat. Minimal enough to pass as allergies. Nevertheless I took it easy and took all the vitamins etc to try to knock it out. It didn't get better and then finally, two days after Christmas, I got a fever. December 27th, December 28th, December 29th, December 30th, and at last, today, it broke.
It got super high too! Exciting stuff. So here I sit, blowing my nose on this December 31st, still feeling too sick to go to any New Years Eve parties. It's kinda sad. I mean, I don't even care for NYE that much. I now have some fond memories of NYE parties (and some crappy NYE parties too!), but after 4 days in bed, I would love a party! Oh well, such is life! Cabin Fever, ahh!
But maybe it's nice to have a peaceful NYE for a change. I honestly can't remember the last NYE I spent at home and went to bed before midnight. I don't feel too forlorn about it honestly.
I do wish that my end of the year ramblings were a little more interesting and reflective than "Hey, I had a high fever and NYE can be fun and dumb!" But oh well. I wrote out some crap. Maybe the new year will bring some fuller blog posts!
You can and you can't.
Christmas time ends up being one of the most stressful times of the year. Which is a bummer!There's so much to get done, and while there could be a lovely scene of Christmas bustle with wrapping paper and ribbon curling, too often it becomes an endless list of tasks that must be got through.
Someone remarked to me: "I feel like things could be done quietly — or at least peacefully." Well, yeah! Of course they could! but we don't live in an ideal world where everyone sits around singing like cheerful elves getting everything done peacefully. We live in a world where we are always trying to get the next thing done so we can go on to the next thing and the next and the next forever. There's no slowing down.
It seems like we should be able to force ourselves to slow down and enjoy each moment; make wrapping gifts one of the joys of Christmas, not one of the annoyances we must get through until the momentary joys can be appreciated. IF they can be appreciated, because on Christmas day when presents are trying to be unwrapped there's still meal prep that has to get done and out of the way. Too often it's a list of have-tos not get-tos.
But sometimes everything is too overwhelming and you just feel the need to cry. When I feel this way I want to push it away. I want to change how I feel but sometimes that's just not possible.
Changing ones mood is not an easy task. Sometimes feelings demand to be felt. There's no avoiding them.
Someone remarked to me: "I feel like things could be done quietly — or at least peacefully." Well, yeah! Of course they could! but we don't live in an ideal world where everyone sits around singing like cheerful elves getting everything done peacefully. We live in a world where we are always trying to get the next thing done so we can go on to the next thing and the next and the next forever. There's no slowing down.
It seems like we should be able to force ourselves to slow down and enjoy each moment; make wrapping gifts one of the joys of Christmas, not one of the annoyances we must get through until the momentary joys can be appreciated. IF they can be appreciated, because on Christmas day when presents are trying to be unwrapped there's still meal prep that has to get done and out of the way. Too often it's a list of have-tos not get-tos.
But sometimes everything is too overwhelming and you just feel the need to cry. When I feel this way I want to push it away. I want to change how I feel but sometimes that's just not possible.
Changing ones mood is not an easy task. Sometimes feelings demand to be felt. There's no avoiding them.
You Say Tomato
You say tomayto. I say tomaHto.
I don't know the origin of this phrase nor do I care to look it up.
But I was thinking about it in church this morning. No, it really didn't have anything to do with the sermon, but nevertheless this is what was on my mind.
In this world we seem to emphasize the differences. I don't want to get into politics, but it seems that parties seem to spend all their energy talking about how much better and different they are from the other side and we become more and more polarized.
This spreads to so many areas of life. I find myself guilty of this too. Sometimes I want to be contrary. And sometimes it's not a desire to be contrary, but a desire to stand up for something I care about and so I want to express it differently than someone else.
Because I didn't look up the origins I also don't know why people use the "tomato/tomahto" phrase. But when I hear it, it sounds to me like a "I'm right and you're wrong" sorta thing. Not a "Hey, that's cool that you say this differently!"
People want to be right. So if anyone says something differently or had a different opinion we want them to be wrong.
I want to get better at hearing tomato and rather than hearing the weird pronunciation of that middle "A", I want to say "Hey! It's cool that we both end with that "toe" sound. That's the same, and that's really cool!"
Too often I am jarred by the differences instead of seeing the sameness.
I'm not talking about tomatoes.
I don't know the origin of this phrase nor do I care to look it up.
But I was thinking about it in church this morning. No, it really didn't have anything to do with the sermon, but nevertheless this is what was on my mind.
In this world we seem to emphasize the differences. I don't want to get into politics, but it seems that parties seem to spend all their energy talking about how much better and different they are from the other side and we become more and more polarized.
This spreads to so many areas of life. I find myself guilty of this too. Sometimes I want to be contrary. And sometimes it's not a desire to be contrary, but a desire to stand up for something I care about and so I want to express it differently than someone else.
Because I didn't look up the origins I also don't know why people use the "tomato/tomahto" phrase. But when I hear it, it sounds to me like a "I'm right and you're wrong" sorta thing. Not a "Hey, that's cool that you say this differently!"
People want to be right. So if anyone says something differently or had a different opinion we want them to be wrong.
I want to get better at hearing tomato and rather than hearing the weird pronunciation of that middle "A", I want to say "Hey! It's cool that we both end with that "toe" sound. That's the same, and that's really cool!"
Too often I am jarred by the differences instead of seeing the sameness.
I'm not talking about tomatoes.
Christmas Tableaux
I accomplished a thing: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/110487362?t=1539
It's interesting to try and evaluate your work on a project. At least for me the balance of accepting thanks and praise and yet keeping the humility is a challenging one.
Let me just tell you a little about the history. Oh, also, the thing I accomplished was producing and directing the Christmas tableaux that over 1500 people came to see. But the history:
Two extremely talented and wonderful people were doing this for many years before me. I'm sorry to say that I don't know how long they were doing it, who was doing it before them, and who originated the version of Christmas tableaux that we now do.
Well, the really easy and short answer is that this all originated with a Story told for over 2000 years. And that is why I love it and it is easy to pass the credit back to the Creator and Originator of this Story.
There is no question in my mind that all praise and power goes to our Savior. But He works through many people. And the tableaux service that I took on would not have happened if it had not been for His servants wanting to tell His story. And by His servants I mean the producers and directors before me as well as all the people who give their time to act out this story year after year!
So how do I tell you what a joyful and challenging experience this was? I think I must divide my roles as producer and director to explain.
As director I loved every single minute of it. Being in the church with actors, giving them direction that was laid out by my predecessors, tweaking things here and there with my assistant director, and overall just loving the experience of the Word being read and people moving to the words being spoken. Add the strings, horns and choir and the building itself sings with glory to God!
I love this service! And that is why last year I assisted on the production and agreed to take it on this year.
But let me put on my producer hat for a moment and let you know that so, so much more goes on behind the scenes before the directing even takes place. The number of emails, phone calls, meetings, planning, rescheduling, tears, headaches was a lot to take on. And honestly it was a part I didn't fully comprehend how to take on. Because as I said, the directing leads itself; The Word is read and the people portraying the story live it beautifully. It is sort of clear what all needs to happen to make that part all work.
But you don't necessarily realize how many other things or people need to be tracked down in order to get to the fun part. I didn't realize what I was getting myself in to, and I will admit to a few minor meltdowns that even now I can look back on and wonder what my problem was. It's a lot easier to look back and know that everything did work out and that the stress I took on wasn't necessary. But in the thick of it it was a lot to get through.
I'm not sure why all of this is necessary to document. Maybe it's so I can look back on this next year and remember that I did do it. I got through it all. Tableaux happened, and 1500 people got to worship the Lord.
This is where my humility kicks in and I don't want to take any credit for this. I really don't feel like I did anything. Someone else did all the music. Someone else organized and ran this service for years. It is a finely oiled machine that just needed someone to keep it moving and I have the honor of taking up the torch and carrying on what is one of the most loved traditions in Bryn Athyn. And that is a little scary. So many people look forward to this, and that is a big responsibility! But one I carry with joy and pride!
This was a lot of work and overall a really wonderful experience for me. I look forward to next year when I will have an even better grasp of what I'm doing, and a better idea of how to deal with the challenges, and overall a sense of knowing that I can do it because I already did.
As I've said, I love this service and it was a lot of work as well as a delight to bring it to people this year and hopefully for many, many years to come.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
It's interesting to try and evaluate your work on a project. At least for me the balance of accepting thanks and praise and yet keeping the humility is a challenging one.
Let me just tell you a little about the history. Oh, also, the thing I accomplished was producing and directing the Christmas tableaux that over 1500 people came to see. But the history:
Two extremely talented and wonderful people were doing this for many years before me. I'm sorry to say that I don't know how long they were doing it, who was doing it before them, and who originated the version of Christmas tableaux that we now do.
Well, the really easy and short answer is that this all originated with a Story told for over 2000 years. And that is why I love it and it is easy to pass the credit back to the Creator and Originator of this Story.
There is no question in my mind that all praise and power goes to our Savior. But He works through many people. And the tableaux service that I took on would not have happened if it had not been for His servants wanting to tell His story. And by His servants I mean the producers and directors before me as well as all the people who give their time to act out this story year after year!
So how do I tell you what a joyful and challenging experience this was? I think I must divide my roles as producer and director to explain.
As director I loved every single minute of it. Being in the church with actors, giving them direction that was laid out by my predecessors, tweaking things here and there with my assistant director, and overall just loving the experience of the Word being read and people moving to the words being spoken. Add the strings, horns and choir and the building itself sings with glory to God!
I love this service! And that is why last year I assisted on the production and agreed to take it on this year.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
But you don't necessarily realize how many other things or people need to be tracked down in order to get to the fun part. I didn't realize what I was getting myself in to, and I will admit to a few minor meltdowns that even now I can look back on and wonder what my problem was. It's a lot easier to look back and know that everything did work out and that the stress I took on wasn't necessary. But in the thick of it it was a lot to get through.
I'm not sure why all of this is necessary to document. Maybe it's so I can look back on this next year and remember that I did do it. I got through it all. Tableaux happened, and 1500 people got to worship the Lord.
This is where my humility kicks in and I don't want to take any credit for this. I really don't feel like I did anything. Someone else did all the music. Someone else organized and ran this service for years. It is a finely oiled machine that just needed someone to keep it moving and I have the honor of taking up the torch and carrying on what is one of the most loved traditions in Bryn Athyn. And that is a little scary. So many people look forward to this, and that is a big responsibility! But one I carry with joy and pride!
This was a lot of work and overall a really wonderful experience for me. I look forward to next year when I will have an even better grasp of what I'm doing, and a better idea of how to deal with the challenges, and overall a sense of knowing that I can do it because I already did.
As I've said, I love this service and it was a lot of work as well as a delight to bring it to people this year and hopefully for many, many years to come.
 |
| Photo by Stephen Conroy |
There is no solution!
I would love to be able to turn certain feelings off or control my reactions to things. I know I can control my speech and actions, that just takes practice. But it would be fabulous if I could turn off an emotional response to things.
If someone rams you in the supermarket with their shopping cart, whether deliberate or not, you're gonna react to that. You don't have to yell at them, and even if you remain calm and say it's okay or whatever, you might still be fuming inside.
In some sense by not dwelling on it you can change your emotional state. If someone rams you with their cart you can choose to let it go and think about other things.
A few weeks ago someone honked loudly and impatiently at me in a parking lot. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but my heart still beat more rapidly and I could have been very upset, but I thought back to half an hour earlier when I saw a friend unexpectedly and he gave me a much needed hug. That hug drew me out of being honked at and I didn't have to dwell on the upset I could have felt. I drove on, hoping that person's day got better.
So, it is possible to change your emotional state, but it's hard.
If someone is late, if a loved one disappoints you, if someone assumes you're incompetent, if, if if! There are so many scenarios where I have an immediate gut reaction to something that can leave a painful sting. For days!
I wish I could turn off certain emotions, or be better at turning away from them and dwelling on other things. But when every where you turn brings stinging feelings that's not a good day. The hells have you in their grasp, finding discontentment everywhere.
There is no solution.
Entitlement to Neediness
When things are busy and lots is going on I don't write so much. That might make sense. Yeah, maybe I don't have as much time for writing, but that's not really the case. I mean, it is true that less time means it's harder to fit it in, but the real reason I don't write is because I don't have enough brain processing power right now. Like, I'm stressed about so many things that I can't tell if some small thing is actually stressful or if I'm making a bigger deal out of something so small because I'm stressed. It's just not a useful time to analyze my life.
But here I go anyway....
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being a jerk or just standing up for myself. There's obviously better and worse ways to handle a situation. Kinder and meaner ways.
But I can't always tell if my reaction to something is founded or if I'm taking out my stress on someone else.
For example, sometimes I want people to give me their attention, and I don't know if I'm just being needy. Because I need them to meet me where I'm at. Like when I am stressed out and need someone to listen. Do I have a right to make a friend listen? "Make a friend listen" might seem like too strong of a statement. A real friend will listen. But always? How often do they have to listen to me, or are they allowed to have their own life and not have time for me? Are they allowed to be in a jocular mood or preoccupied with something else?
See?! This is what I mean when I say that now is not the time to analyze. I know, in my rational brain, that of course other people have lives and sometimes they are willing to listen and sometimes I listen to them and friendships are reciprocal.
It's just so much easier to feel like I have a right to talk and be heard when I am stressed out. But being stressed out does not give me some entitlement to neediness.
But sometimes I just need to unwind and it would be nice if I could come home to a cozy fire and a mug of hot chocolate and have someone say "How was your day, honey?"
But here I go anyway....
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being a jerk or just standing up for myself. There's obviously better and worse ways to handle a situation. Kinder and meaner ways.
But I can't always tell if my reaction to something is founded or if I'm taking out my stress on someone else.
For example, sometimes I want people to give me their attention, and I don't know if I'm just being needy. Because I need them to meet me where I'm at. Like when I am stressed out and need someone to listen. Do I have a right to make a friend listen? "Make a friend listen" might seem like too strong of a statement. A real friend will listen. But always? How often do they have to listen to me, or are they allowed to have their own life and not have time for me? Are they allowed to be in a jocular mood or preoccupied with something else?
See?! This is what I mean when I say that now is not the time to analyze. I know, in my rational brain, that of course other people have lives and sometimes they are willing to listen and sometimes I listen to them and friendships are reciprocal.
It's just so much easier to feel like I have a right to talk and be heard when I am stressed out. But being stressed out does not give me some entitlement to neediness.
But sometimes I just need to unwind and it would be nice if I could come home to a cozy fire and a mug of hot chocolate and have someone say "How was your day, honey?"
Tracing the tears.
How often do you let tears fall where they will? I always try to stop them, sometimes before they even start, or if I let them fall I try to catch them with a sleeve or a tissue. But when they fall uninhibited, do you notice where they go? They don't drip nicely from your eyes. They slide in interesting patterns. One just slid along my nose, and hit my nostril. Do tears flow up? What's with that?
One tear followed and dripped right across my philtrum to my closed lips. And I can feel the salty tears stinging my chapped lips. I cannot taste the salt because my lips are sealed. But I can feel a few tears pooling on the verge of getting in.
One falls along the curve of my chin, and though it originated in my right eye, it has crossed my entire face and is slipping down the left side of my neck.
Tears do not fall down. They seem to defy gravity, or at least get themselves into fascinating situations if you let them. I am sitting straight, not tilting my head to change the patterns. They fall where they will.
Notice the tears; They create their own paths, like lightening across a sky.
One tear followed and dripped right across my philtrum to my closed lips. And I can feel the salty tears stinging my chapped lips. I cannot taste the salt because my lips are sealed. But I can feel a few tears pooling on the verge of getting in.
One falls along the curve of my chin, and though it originated in my right eye, it has crossed my entire face and is slipping down the left side of my neck.
Tears do not fall down. They seem to defy gravity, or at least get themselves into fascinating situations if you let them. I am sitting straight, not tilting my head to change the patterns. They fall where they will.
Notice the tears; They create their own paths, like lightening across a sky.
Sleep and Avoiding Things
"Dudette, feelings are allowed."
What? This is news to me. Ok, I know I sound like I'm being sarcastic, but in some ways I really am being serious.
I write about feelings a lot. And yet I definitely don't understand them or know if they're useful or should be listened to or felt.
But one thing I do know: They are real.
That doesn't mean they're valid, but I've already written about that.
But sometimes feeling are felt, and sometimes I try not to feel them because they don't seem useful, and sometimes I feel bad for feeling things so sometimes it feels better to just avoid them altogether.
Avoid them altogether. That's what facebook is for, right? Scroll, scroll, scroll. Avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. Nope. I'll swipe open this little box I'm holding to find things to distract me from having to feel things. Oh, I see a sad thing and it makes me sad, but at least I'm reacting to the sad thing on facebook and not facing my own feelings about anything. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Now it's time for sleep. But I don't want to turn the light off or close my computer, because that means I have to let my brain takeover, and heaven forbid I do that! That would mean I'd have to think about the things in my mind. Or feel the feels in my feelings. AVOID!
Ah, my audiobook. Excellent. Now I can just tune into that, and tune out of my world.
Ok, the above is kinda bleak. Don't get me wrong, escaping into a book can be great. I really don't have a problem with that. Sometimes I cry when I'm watching a tv show because it hits home and there's a realness to it that I can relate to. That's all well and good. I don't think books or movies are bad things.
But I know that I can get into a rut of thinking that I need my audiobook to sleep. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to slow down unless I give it a familiar enough book that it's not worried it's gonna miss anything if it falls asleep. Sometimes I do need my audiobook to sleep so that I don't get my mind tangled in knots of worry. Sometimes I do need to distract myself.
When something is true it's a lot easier for it to get warped into something false. I can justify an action by pointing to some truth as proof. But I think everyone knows that there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. Kombucha is good for you. But you shouldn't drink it all day every day.
Sometimes I just don't want to deal with my feelings, and "Sometimes" can turn into "never".
I never want to deal with my feelings. I want someone else to deal with them. Can someone else please deal with my feelings? Fold them and put them away? No? Okay, then I'll just continue to avoid them.
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much...."
What? This is news to me. Ok, I know I sound like I'm being sarcastic, but in some ways I really am being serious.
I write about feelings a lot. And yet I definitely don't understand them or know if they're useful or should be listened to or felt.
But one thing I do know: They are real.
That doesn't mean they're valid, but I've already written about that.
But sometimes feeling are felt, and sometimes I try not to feel them because they don't seem useful, and sometimes I feel bad for feeling things so sometimes it feels better to just avoid them altogether.
Avoid them altogether. That's what facebook is for, right? Scroll, scroll, scroll. Avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. Nope. I'll swipe open this little box I'm holding to find things to distract me from having to feel things. Oh, I see a sad thing and it makes me sad, but at least I'm reacting to the sad thing on facebook and not facing my own feelings about anything. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Now it's time for sleep. But I don't want to turn the light off or close my computer, because that means I have to let my brain takeover, and heaven forbid I do that! That would mean I'd have to think about the things in my mind. Or feel the feels in my feelings. AVOID!
Ah, my audiobook. Excellent. Now I can just tune into that, and tune out of my world.
Ok, the above is kinda bleak. Don't get me wrong, escaping into a book can be great. I really don't have a problem with that. Sometimes I cry when I'm watching a tv show because it hits home and there's a realness to it that I can relate to. That's all well and good. I don't think books or movies are bad things.
But I know that I can get into a rut of thinking that I need my audiobook to sleep. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to slow down unless I give it a familiar enough book that it's not worried it's gonna miss anything if it falls asleep. Sometimes I do need my audiobook to sleep so that I don't get my mind tangled in knots of worry. Sometimes I do need to distract myself.
When something is true it's a lot easier for it to get warped into something false. I can justify an action by pointing to some truth as proof. But I think everyone knows that there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. Kombucha is good for you. But you shouldn't drink it all day every day.
Sometimes I just don't want to deal with my feelings, and "Sometimes" can turn into "never".
I never want to deal with my feelings. I want someone else to deal with them. Can someone else please deal with my feelings? Fold them and put them away? No? Okay, then I'll just continue to avoid them.
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much...."
Isolation: An Introvert in Need of Quality Time
Christmas is a busy time of parties, sugar, alcohol. And lots of people. Let me tell you, there are no shortage of people! People, people, people! And I love the people! I love the Christmas parties. I love the Christmas cookies, the lights, the friends, the fun! I love it all.
On top of all that I'm in charge of the Christmas pageant which has over 100 people in it. And I get to spend time with these people. Starting tomorrow night I have rehearsals every day. And a week from today is the pageant itself which thousands of people come to.
It's a lot. But let me repeat, I really truly love every minute of being there! The music and the people, the readings from the Word! It is a special time! And I love it!
But soon after I leave a rehearsal, or after I leave a Christmas party I need to recharge. I'm an introvert and I need time to recharge. The problem is it's December. Rehearsals and parties and people, people, people. I love the people. Have I said that enough yet? Probably some of those people I love will read this and I want you to know that I really do love and appreciate you!
I am an introvert. I am not a hermit. I am not antisocial or a people loather. I just need time by myself to recharge.
But here's the other thing, I also desperately need human connection. And no matter how much I love my time at parties and rehearsals, that's not quality time.
Well, it is and it isn't. The parties and the people are quality! And I long for connection so I seek out the people... and then I feel isolated. Because no matter how much I love the people, I need a break.
And I don't turn in to a recluse, because I am miserable if I am all alone. I feel drained from people, and I miss them all at once.
I long for connection, and I'm not sure what that looks like when I am so burnt out.
It's like I desperately need human connection, but exactly on my terms and I want other people to exactly anticipate my needs. I can't explain anything, because I don't know myself what I need. I just know that I need humans, and I also can't handle being around them.
And all of this leaves me feeling extremely self centered and needy.
And those feelings make me feel worse about myself.
And so at last...
Isolation.
On top of all that I'm in charge of the Christmas pageant which has over 100 people in it. And I get to spend time with these people. Starting tomorrow night I have rehearsals every day. And a week from today is the pageant itself which thousands of people come to.
It's a lot. But let me repeat, I really truly love every minute of being there! The music and the people, the readings from the Word! It is a special time! And I love it!
But soon after I leave a rehearsal, or after I leave a Christmas party I need to recharge. I'm an introvert and I need time to recharge. The problem is it's December. Rehearsals and parties and people, people, people. I love the people. Have I said that enough yet? Probably some of those people I love will read this and I want you to know that I really do love and appreciate you!
I am an introvert. I am not a hermit. I am not antisocial or a people loather. I just need time by myself to recharge.
But here's the other thing, I also desperately need human connection. And no matter how much I love my time at parties and rehearsals, that's not quality time.
Well, it is and it isn't. The parties and the people are quality! And I long for connection so I seek out the people... and then I feel isolated. Because no matter how much I love the people, I need a break.
And I don't turn in to a recluse, because I am miserable if I am all alone. I feel drained from people, and I miss them all at once.
I long for connection, and I'm not sure what that looks like when I am so burnt out.
It's like I desperately need human connection, but exactly on my terms and I want other people to exactly anticipate my needs. I can't explain anything, because I don't know myself what I need. I just know that I need humans, and I also can't handle being around them.
And all of this leaves me feeling extremely self centered and needy.
And those feelings make me feel worse about myself.
And so at last...
Isolation.
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