A dream that brought understanding

I had the craziest dream last night. Actually, it probably wasn't that crazy, but it felt super intense when I was dreaming it.

I was wandering around New York with friends. I've never been to New York City, but have always wanted to go. Apparently not enough to make it happen, but that's beside the point. I was in NY with a big group of people. It got to be night and I was determined to go to Time Square because I wanted to see if it really was as bright as day.

But we never got there. We started wandering, and I got lost in a parking garage in the city at night. I have had other nightmares about just such things. Nighttime can be a bit worrisome. Cities scare me a little, but parking garages are downright creepy! So this is a recurring theme in my nightmares.

I got separated from the group and was going up or down some stairs and ran into a black man who started pulling a gun from inside his coat. I started running and crying. And I ran past several other black people, all pulling guns. I was so terrified that when I got out on the street I wasn't looking where I was going and ran straight into someone.

"Hey, there," he said. I looked up at his dark skin and wondered if I was safe. Now that I was out in the street and not in a dark garage I felt a little safer. There were at least more people around.

"Welcome to Harlem, little lady." The man said, and I decided I trusted him. I wrapped my arms around him, buried my head in his shoulder, and sobbed.

The men who had been chasing me had disappeared.

I started talking to the man. I don't remember what we talked about.

Then the crowd of friends I had been with showed up again. They were all heading toward center city for something. I grabbed one of their hands and was like "Don't leave without me!" and I wouldn't let her go. But I wanted to say goodbye to the gentleman who had made me feel safe when I had been lost.

"Shouldn't go wandering around Harlem alone, white girl," he said to me. And I don't know if I said it or just felt it, but I was thinking about how outnumbered and unsafe I felt: one white girl alone.

And I looked into his eyes and asked him: "Is this how you feel in your day to day life? Unsafe?" His soft brown eyes were kind as he looked at me and answered, "Yes."

My eyes filled with tears as I hugged him and then let my friend pull me away.



Sometimes I analyze my dreams. I think dreams hold meaning, but I think that you get out of them what you choose to get.

So my thoughts as I woke up this morning were something like this:

I don't think of myself as racist. I'm not color blind, as some people claim we ought to be and others claim is just as offensive. But all growing up I noticed skin color, yes, but I don't remember feeling any different about people because of it. Only as an adult, living in a world that is highly sensitive and apt to take offense to literally everything, I over analyze my thinking.

Sure, as a white person I guess I am somewhat racist. So this dream was interesting to me because it felt like I was actually empathizing with this man. Now that I'm fully awake and aware of the criticism I will invariably get if anyone reads this I can picture the responses: "You don't understand at all!" "How dare you think that you understand!" "There's no such thing as reverse racism!"

But in that moment in my dream it felt significant to feel like I understood.