Balance

It has been really hard for me to balance what I am supposed to be doing vs what the Lord is doing in my life. He is everything. I could not breathe without Him. I know that. He is everything. He does everything. And without Him I can do nothing. I could keep going. How many different ways are there to say that I can't do anything and He does everything?

So what do I do?

I have been reading True Christian Religion and if you are facebook friends with me you may have seen that I recently posted that this book continually blows my mind. I open it and I just keep coming across things that I often already know, but said in such a way that it sometimes takes my breath away. I was sitting at Starbucks reading the other day and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

One of the many passages I underlined was: "It must be borne in mind that in man the Lord alone is active and man of himself is merely passive; and that is is by means of the influx of life from God than man is also active." (TCR 110:6)

And I shared this one in my last blog post: “Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.” (TCR 105)

The balance of doing everything. Realizing that the Lord cannot (or will not) push me out of bed in the morning. I have to do that. The Lord will not drive me to church. I have to do that. The Lord will not write for me, paint for me, be kind to people for me. And yet, He is the only reason that I can do any of those things. I could not paint if the Lord did not will it. I could not paint if He was not inside of me and encouraging me to let His love and talents flow through me. It is the Lord alone who does anything.

So how do I find that balance? It seems simple enough: Do all the things, and give all the glory to God. But in practice?

If I were to lie in bed all day every day, not even look at my phone and "like" someone's post. If I do nothing, is the Lord still working in me? ("If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there!") Well, yes.

But can I just coast along? Can I inner-tube my way into heaven?

Well, I have been reading the book of Numbers. It's about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness and traveling toward the promised land. Sound familiar? It certainly does to me! I wander constantly. Hopefully toward the Promised Land! But that's the interesting thing. The Lord promised this land to the children. He promises Heaven to all of His children. A promise. He will bring us into the land! So why doesn't everyone end up in that land?

In chapter 13 spies go in to the land to scout and come back with a report. It's no good. It's too scary. We aren't going to make it. It's a familiar story to a lot of people. Only Joshua and Caleb say that it can be done: "For prevailing, we will prevail over it!" (13:30)

But the people doubt and in the very next chapter they say that they would rather have died in Egypt. Isn't that the way of things? "I don't like this. I want to go back to how things were, even if I was a slave!"

But Joshua and Caleb persist: "If Jehovah delights in us He will bring us into this land... and Jehovah is with us: fear them not."

The Lord is with us. If we can just accept that and go up and take the land. That is all He asks of us. Take it. Possess it. Go into the land! It's really not asking much, nevertheless we must do it! All they had to do was trust the Lord and go, and they didn't, so they weren't allowed to enter the land. Period. The land that was promised to them! They didn't get to go because they weren't willing to do the work that He asked them to do.

So often when I read these stories I identify with Caleb and Joshua. I identify with the prodigal son's older brother.

But that is what self examination is for. To realize that while I am definitely the arrogant older brother who "was ​angry, and was not willing to enter in" (sound familiar?!) I might go to church, read the Word, and wax philosophical, but I am also very much the younger brother, in much need of returning to the Father. I am absolutely both.

I like to think that I would be like Caleb and Joshua and be like "Guys! Look, the Lord promised us this. Let's just try trusting Him." But I am SO the other children doubting and being too afraid to enter.

The land is promised, but we still have to follow Him and trust Him if we're gonna make it in. It takes so much humility. Humility that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve. Trust that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve.

I don't write these blog posts to say what other people need to do. I write these to remind myself of my failings. I seldom trust the Lord. He says "Go!" and I say "I'd rather die in Egypt." There is so much fear in me. I think about these things a lot, not because I am good at them, but because I am terrible at them!

The following is one of my favorite passages in the Word, not because I am this way but because I want to be:

"And I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? And I said, Here am I; send me."