You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You.

I was listening to Ingrid Michaelson and this line from the song "Are We There Yet" struck me.

They say you're really not somebody
Until somebody else loves you
Well, I am waiting to make somebody
Somebody soon

So often we feel for ourselves. We are usually the first person we think about. You're nobody till somebody loves you is kinda a crappy phrase. We're supposed to be people even if there isn't someone loving us. But the truth is that there are probably people loving us, even if we don't always feel it, and I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that we really don't feel like somebody until somebody loves us.

I know that I am supposed to do things and be useful no matter what other people think of me. My validity as a useful person should not depend on other people's opinion. I like this meme I found a while ago:

It's a useful reminder to me. But here's a question: does our value increase if someone does see our worth?

I probably shouldn't mind so much what people think of me. But on the other hand, "Man is born, not for the sake of himself but for the sake of others" so my value and usefulness to other people should matter!

I know what it's all getting at. If people can't see your value you still need to keep moving forward and trying and all that, but I also think, no, I know that when other people value me I feel way more inspired.

This blog for one. If I am writing merely as an outlet for my thoughts, that's helpful to me. I process by writing and come out better for it, but when I know that other people read and are affected by what I write I am way more inspired to write.

In any area of my life, if I receive great encouragement, I feel way more valuable and my productivity increases and I become more valuable to other people and to my self.

So, back to Ingrid Michaelson, or really further back. I'm not gonna look up the origin of that phrase just now. So are we anybody if we're not loved? Well, short story, the Lord loves us, so we are loved and we are somebody! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you!"

But I also want to look at the second half of that stanza.

Well, I am waiting to make somebody
Somebody soon

This is the part that really stuck me.

It's easy to feel that we want people in our lives because they love and encourage us, it's another thing entirely to be that for someone else. I can't always tell if I'm doing a good job of supporting and encouraging my friends, but the times when I can help out a friend or a stranger is when I feel truly human.

And my heart feels...

Sometimes my heart wants out of my chest. Because it is full and cannot fit and it’s this excited bubbling feeling. Sometimes it wants out because it’s sick and tired of feeling and just wants to run away. I want to run with it to a place where I don’t have to care.

Where I don’t have to care about all the pain in the world. The innocent people afflicted with sickness, the friends fighting and fighting and continually being assailed by the hells.

I can feel my heart trying to escape. It is easier to shut it down and hide it away from hurt. But that is a miserable existence. More miserable than the ache that is ripping my chest in two. I can feel my heart trying to shatter into all the shards. But it is stronger than that. I hear a voice saying “Just a little longer!”

And I believe it. My heart begins to settle. It’s not trying to get away. It is starting to feel safe.

Moments ago it was trying to run away. To avoid the pain but also to avoid getting trapped in. For a moment I could see from inside my heart. Trapped in a dark box watching as the lid threatened to close. I could see the sliver of light as I threatened to lock my heart away in safety. But it pushed back.

“Let me feel! I am strong enough to feel. I don’t want to live in this safe and dark box. I want to breathe! Let me go!”

And my heart feels safe. It is being protected by a force I cannot see. But the walls around it are not dark and cold. They are golden and yielding.

And my heart feels safe. Someone is holding it gently, encouraging it, letting me breathe. The air returns to my lungs and I can feel my heart in my chest. It is no longer trying to escape. It knows it belongs. It is where it’s supposed to be. It’s not hiding. It’s not broken. It’s mending with golden light.

And my heart feels safe.

Broken.

It has been an emotional couple of days. I wrote about the burden of joy a few days ago, and then continued on to have a lovely weekend full of friends and good food. Kempton for autumn weekends. Riding an old timey train with some excited and cute niecephews. Lots of fantastic times with friends and family.

Monday was rougher. I heard some hard news about a child I used to babysit. She is one of the cutest children and I spent most of Monday unable to keep myself from crying. My eyes sting today with the pain of yesterday's tears.

I'm supposed to be working on another article but I cannot focus. I love writing and I hate editing. I like the freedom of a blog post for writing about anything. No theme. No thesis, but bumbling thoughts with no plan. I never edit my blog posts, other than occasionally glancing over for typos.

I hate that life has to be hard. One thing going wrong makes me feel a fear in all areas of life. Everything is up in the air and trust goes out the window. I want to say that one bad thing doesn't makes me trust the Lord less, but the feeling on my heart 3 days ago was peace and confidence in Him, and I still trust Him, but I don't feel very peaceful about it. It's not begrudging confidence, it's just not peaceful and happy.

And it makes me fear every possible thing. So, that's not really trust, is it?

I guess I'm ashamed to say that one child being sick makes my trust in the Lord falter. That's not something I care to admit, even just to myself, so here I am, processing my feelings on my blog, and admitting them to you, and figuring this out for myself at the same time.

I don't even want to write it, but today, if I'm really examining the thoughts rattling around in my head, I don't trust the Lord today. I don't hear Him, and I don't think His plan is safe.

Oof! What a thing to admit! What a broken lack of confidence! But writing takes honesty. Examining and recognizing these thoughts is the only way to get back to Him.

And of course, I know that the bad things are NOT His plan, but today I am hating freedom. I am hating that spiritual freedom allows innocent people to be harmed.

And that is not trust. It is doubting His eternal plan. It is doubt. It is fear. It is frustration and pain.

In September I wrote about wishing to trade places with others or wishing I could take their pain away, even if it meant taking it on myself, and I feel the same today.

It's cliche, but all I can think is that it's not fair. It doesn't make sense, and I am done with hell attacking people I love. I want to protect, and I just can't. It's too much. There is no solution.

The burden of joy.

I think I'm a better writer when I'm sitting in a little bit of angst. When something gets under my skin the way to get it out is to write it out.

It's not always true, but I'm noticing a pattern. In fiction and in journaling when things are well I'm like "The sun is shining. October is beautiful. Life is great!" which there's nothing wrong with. I like being happy! But I just don't churn out words the same way.

When I'm processing some minor or large hurt I think my writing develops a bit of crunch to it that allows me to delve a little deeper into my soul.

And that isn't to say that hard things are deeper than happier things, but they do seem to be easier to write about.

Random thought: are hard things more vulnerable than happy things? Or are the really, truly happy things so locked up behind my vulnerability barrier that they never get written about?

It can definitely be hard to write or talk about a lovely hope, for fear of jinxing it, or someone bursting that bubble.

So maybe the bestest, truest happies are far more vulnerable than the sads. I don't know.

Today I am happy, so my writing is more relaxed and undefined.

Like, I want to write about how heavy my heart feels. Not a burdened heavy, but a solid fullness in my heart that is weighing in a good way. I can't describe it. It's easier for me to write about something weighing me down than the burden of joy. I can't describe it.

Suffice it to say that God is good.

The choices we make

I can get bogged down in one single choice I make. Or even some thing that wasn't a choice but an accident or mistake. I'm trying to think of an example. I recently wrote about accidentally hurting someone. It really sucks how caught up I can get in one little thing. Heaping on blame isn't helpful. Sometimes it motivates us to change our ways and become better. We are supposed to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, but we don't have to hold on forever, wracked with guilt, unable to move forward.

I was struck by a beautiful piece of a story written by a friend. (You can read the whole expert here).

"We are not our injuries," she said with a measured voice. "We are not even the choices we make, for we can always make new choices."

That is what it's about, isn't it? Making new choices. Not getting stuck in guilt, but letting it be the spring board into better actions in the future!

Great Goodness.

This week has been full of great goodness. On Monday I got to catch up with a friend who always brings me out of myself. Without judgement she challenges my perspective and invites me to think from another point of view, while still accepting and cherishing my reality. It had been too long since we had connected and it was a wonderful thing that has been filling my heart.

On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!

Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.

I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.

You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.

Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.

The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.

This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.

Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!

There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.

Mansplaining

To start with, here are a few internet definitions of mansplain:

(of a man) explain (something) to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing. (Wikipedia)

A derisive and condescending term insultingly used by women when referring to a man that they are in a conversation with. The man's point is derided not because his reasoning is faulty or his evidence is unreliable; his point is derided simply on the basis of his gender. (Urban Dictionary)

I'm sure there are lots of ways people use this word that are and are not covered by the above definitions.

I think the Wikipedia definition is funny, specifically this wording "in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing." Regarded by whom?! I can find anything condescending if I want to!

Anyhow, regardless of what other people mean by it, I think it's dumb. Sorry people.

I, for one, am entirely sick of the condescending manner toward men! I don't care about the history of misogyny etc (I mean, I care, but setting that aside) it's absolutely no excuse to treat men as inferior. That's helping no one, especially not women! It's turning us into pretty unpleasant people to be around, and no WONDER women don't have much respect for the men around us when we have turned them into emasculated puppies.

This is not the world I want to live in. Sadly it is the world we live in, and I'm just gonna continue to do my part in supporting men and women in their God given strengths and loves.

Both men and women can be condescending and frustrating to talk to. Both men and women have things to offer to a conversation (I hope most people recognize that!)

And I almost forgot to say, I freaking LOVE mansplaining. Because while I value and appreciate both men and women's advice to me, there is something invaluable to me in having a man's perspective! A perspective that I, as a woman, CANNOT have. He is something that I am not, and something I value and respect because of the unique and wonderful capacities the Lord has given him.

Value your men, people. Value your men!