The machines whirred as the couple argued across the lifeless form of their disappointing son.
"He doesn't need an older sister to look up to. He needs a younger sister he can look down on."
"Charming! But you've had your say and it's my turn to design his childhood!" She held up a syringe filled with thick orange liquid. "I want to inject him with these memories and try a different tact this time!"
"Suit yourself! But I warn you that he will not be ready if you give him a mollycoddling older sister!"
"Ready for what?" she spat. "I don't want him ready for any of that, I want to give him something to be proud of! Something that he can choose."
"That's ridiculous! Just watch the last round of his life and see for yourself!" he said pushing past her to turn on the simulation.
"I was there. I saw it for myself first hand!" she said reaching up to stop him from pushing the button.
He slapped her hand away. "Then you know it was a disaster!" he said, continuing with the sequencing.
"Yes, which is why I want to try this! I don't think it will be a disaster to give him an older sister."
He gave her one cold look before turning back to the machines and answering. "Just remember that we have to live it too, and I don't want another child, even if she is older. We'll have to deal with her too!" He finished the sequence and hit the button and they were plunged into the full living memories of the last attempt.
The Lord Doesn't Have Grandchildren.
I'm still reading through Numbers and hearing how the children of Israel are just not making it in to the promised land. It doesn't really confuse me because I grew up with this story. It's not confusing, but as I read it as an adult I see a lot more layers to it. I read this recently and it struck me again that the Lord promised this land.
“Surely none of the men that went up out of Egypt, from a son of twenty years and upward, shall see the ground which I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob; for they have not fully come after me.” Numbers 32:11He keeps promising it to every generation. To Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. To Jacob's sons and all their children. But promised doesn't mean guaranteed. I read the Word and every single chapter reinforces this idea that while the Lord promises us heaven that doesn't mean we get there because our parents were promised it or because their parents were, or even because it was promised to us!
At baptism our parents make a promise to the Lord to teach us His commandments and His prayer and to raise us in the Word and His ways. In a New Church service of baptism the minister even says "This child is now enrolled and numbered in heaven." We absolutely have to raise our children to follow the Lord. We are supposed to baptize them and teach them how to read the Word and give them all the tools so that they can fight and be warriors for the Lord.
But even a baptized child can go astray. Look at the children of Israel. God's chosen people didn't all make it in to the land despite being circumcised (the forerunner of baptism), despite being chosen and promised the land.
Why didn't they make it in? Because they did nothing. Simply put, they didn't make it in to the land because they didn't go into the land.
The Lord gave us rules to follow. If we don't, we don't enter the promised land. It's relatively simple, though certainly not easy.
It is not enough to get by on the faith of our parents. It is not enough to just bring your kids to church or send them to a church school. They have to live it. They have to see it being lived by the people around them. They have to choose it for themselves.
The Lord doesn't have grandkids. Every single person is a child of the Lord. That means that each person is responsible for turning toward Him. And we better give our children the tools to choose Him.
Religion Doesn't Make Me Happy.
I recently read the following: "The hard reality is that we are not currently offering a form of church that is engaging our young people and so they find other things to do with their time."
And it just struck me: It's not the church's job to engage young people or anyone. We totally have an entitlement problem in the church, in our country, and in the world.
We want to change everything else to suit ourselves.
I don't go to church to hear what I want to hear. That isn't the point of it. I don't want them to cater to me. I go to church to learn about the Lord and because it's the right thing to do. It has nothing to do with whether or not it's engaging or captivating.
"Find other things to do with their time." Yes. I have so many other things to do with my time. But I choose church, not because it's exciting and fun. But because it's important to learn about the Lord and to worship Him, even if I don't feel like it.
Today there was a fantastic sermon about rewards. Guess what? Good people don't get rewards here. The Lord doesn't want us to be merit seeking so He doesn't give us exactly what we want. In fact, people doing evil often prosper. If it were as simple as bad people immediately being punished and good people receiving immediate reward then it wouldn't be a choice anymore, would it? It would be compulsion, and the Lord does not force us to follow Him.
I loved church today because while I know this stuff I still needed to hear it. And it wasn't a cheerful sermon about how great I am and how much the Lord loves me. It was hard. It pretty much told me that a life of piety is really not as appealing as a life of sin. I don't go to church to be comforted and made happy. Life is hard, and being good doesn't produce rewards. So going to church, reading the Word, and being a good person can be a long, hard, uphill battle, but it will be worth it. I know it. It's just hard in the meantime.
And it just struck me: It's not the church's job to engage young people or anyone. We totally have an entitlement problem in the church, in our country, and in the world.
We want to change everything else to suit ourselves.
I don't go to church to hear what I want to hear. That isn't the point of it. I don't want them to cater to me. I go to church to learn about the Lord and because it's the right thing to do. It has nothing to do with whether or not it's engaging or captivating.
"Find other things to do with their time." Yes. I have so many other things to do with my time. But I choose church, not because it's exciting and fun. But because it's important to learn about the Lord and to worship Him, even if I don't feel like it.
Today there was a fantastic sermon about rewards. Guess what? Good people don't get rewards here. The Lord doesn't want us to be merit seeking so He doesn't give us exactly what we want. In fact, people doing evil often prosper. If it were as simple as bad people immediately being punished and good people receiving immediate reward then it wouldn't be a choice anymore, would it? It would be compulsion, and the Lord does not force us to follow Him.
I loved church today because while I know this stuff I still needed to hear it. And it wasn't a cheerful sermon about how great I am and how much the Lord loves me. It was hard. It pretty much told me that a life of piety is really not as appealing as a life of sin. I don't go to church to be comforted and made happy. Life is hard, and being good doesn't produce rewards. So going to church, reading the Word, and being a good person can be a long, hard, uphill battle, but it will be worth it. I know it. It's just hard in the meantime.
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you might have peace; in the world you shall have affliction; but have confidence, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
Balance
It has been really hard for me to balance what I am supposed to be doing vs what the Lord is doing in my life. He is everything. I could not breathe without Him. I know that. He is everything. He does everything. And without Him I can do nothing. I could keep going. How many different ways are there to say that I can't do anything and He does everything?
So what do I do?
I have been reading True Christian Religion and if you are facebook friends with me you may have seen that I recently posted that this book continually blows my mind. I open it and I just keep coming across things that I often already know, but said in such a way that it sometimes takes my breath away. I was sitting at Starbucks reading the other day and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
One of the many passages I underlined was: "It must be borne in mind that in man the Lord alone is active and man of himself is merely passive; and that is is by means of the influx of life from God than man is also active." (TCR 110:6)
And I shared this one in my last blog post: “Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.” (TCR 105)
The balance of doing everything. Realizing that the Lord cannot (or will not) push me out of bed in the morning. I have to do that. The Lord will not drive me to church. I have to do that. The Lord will not write for me, paint for me, be kind to people for me. And yet, He is the only reason that I can do any of those things. I could not paint if the Lord did not will it. I could not paint if He was not inside of me and encouraging me to let His love and talents flow through me. It is the Lord alone who does anything.
So how do I find that balance? It seems simple enough: Do all the things, and give all the glory to God. But in practice?
If I were to lie in bed all day every day, not even look at my phone and "like" someone's post. If I do nothing, is the Lord still working in me? ("If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there!") Well, yes.
But can I just coast along? Can I inner-tube my way into heaven?
Well, I have been reading the book of Numbers. It's about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness and traveling toward the promised land. Sound familiar? It certainly does to me! I wander constantly. Hopefully toward the Promised Land! But that's the interesting thing. The Lord promised this land to the children. He promises Heaven to all of His children. A promise. He will bring us into the land! So why doesn't everyone end up in that land?
In chapter 13 spies go in to the land to scout and come back with a report. It's no good. It's too scary. We aren't going to make it. It's a familiar story to a lot of people. Only Joshua and Caleb say that it can be done: "For prevailing, we will prevail over it!" (13:30)
But the people doubt and in the very next chapter they say that they would rather have died in Egypt. Isn't that the way of things? "I don't like this. I want to go back to how things were, even if I was a slave!"
But Joshua and Caleb persist: "If Jehovah delights in us He will bring us into this land... and Jehovah is with us: fear them not."
The Lord is with us. If we can just accept that and go up and take the land. That is all He asks of us. Take it. Possess it. Go into the land! It's really not asking much, nevertheless we must do it! All they had to do was trust the Lord and go, and they didn't, so they weren't allowed to enter the land. Period. The land that was promised to them! They didn't get to go because they weren't willing to do the work that He asked them to do.
So often when I read these stories I identify with Caleb and Joshua. I identify with the prodigal son's older brother.
But that is what self examination is for. To realize that while I am definitely the arrogant older brother who "was angry, and was not willing to enter in" (sound familiar?!) I might go to church, read the Word, and wax philosophical, but I am also very much the younger brother, in much need of returning to the Father. I am absolutely both.
I like to think that I would be like Caleb and Joshua and be like "Guys! Look, the Lord promised us this. Let's just try trusting Him." But I am SO the other children doubting and being too afraid to enter.
The land is promised, but we still have to follow Him and trust Him if we're gonna make it in. It takes so much humility. Humility that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve. Trust that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve.
I don't write these blog posts to say what other people need to do. I write these to remind myself of my failings. I seldom trust the Lord. He says "Go!" and I say "I'd rather die in Egypt." There is so much fear in me. I think about these things a lot, not because I am good at them, but because I am terrible at them!
The following is one of my favorite passages in the Word, not because I am this way but because I want to be:
So what do I do?
I have been reading True Christian Religion and if you are facebook friends with me you may have seen that I recently posted that this book continually blows my mind. I open it and I just keep coming across things that I often already know, but said in such a way that it sometimes takes my breath away. I was sitting at Starbucks reading the other day and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
One of the many passages I underlined was: "It must be borne in mind that in man the Lord alone is active and man of himself is merely passive; and that is is by means of the influx of life from God than man is also active." (TCR 110:6)
And I shared this one in my last blog post: “Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.” (TCR 105)
The balance of doing everything. Realizing that the Lord cannot (or will not) push me out of bed in the morning. I have to do that. The Lord will not drive me to church. I have to do that. The Lord will not write for me, paint for me, be kind to people for me. And yet, He is the only reason that I can do any of those things. I could not paint if the Lord did not will it. I could not paint if He was not inside of me and encouraging me to let His love and talents flow through me. It is the Lord alone who does anything.
So how do I find that balance? It seems simple enough: Do all the things, and give all the glory to God. But in practice?
If I were to lie in bed all day every day, not even look at my phone and "like" someone's post. If I do nothing, is the Lord still working in me? ("If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there!") Well, yes.
But can I just coast along? Can I inner-tube my way into heaven?
Well, I have been reading the book of Numbers. It's about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness and traveling toward the promised land. Sound familiar? It certainly does to me! I wander constantly. Hopefully toward the Promised Land! But that's the interesting thing. The Lord promised this land to the children. He promises Heaven to all of His children. A promise. He will bring us into the land! So why doesn't everyone end up in that land?
In chapter 13 spies go in to the land to scout and come back with a report. It's no good. It's too scary. We aren't going to make it. It's a familiar story to a lot of people. Only Joshua and Caleb say that it can be done: "For prevailing, we will prevail over it!" (13:30)
But the people doubt and in the very next chapter they say that they would rather have died in Egypt. Isn't that the way of things? "I don't like this. I want to go back to how things were, even if I was a slave!"
But Joshua and Caleb persist: "If Jehovah delights in us He will bring us into this land... and Jehovah is with us: fear them not."
The Lord is with us. If we can just accept that and go up and take the land. That is all He asks of us. Take it. Possess it. Go into the land! It's really not asking much, nevertheless we must do it! All they had to do was trust the Lord and go, and they didn't, so they weren't allowed to enter the land. Period. The land that was promised to them! They didn't get to go because they weren't willing to do the work that He asked them to do.
So often when I read these stories I identify with Caleb and Joshua. I identify with the prodigal son's older brother.
But that is what self examination is for. To realize that while I am definitely the arrogant older brother who "was angry, and was not willing to enter in" (sound familiar?!) I might go to church, read the Word, and wax philosophical, but I am also very much the younger brother, in much need of returning to the Father. I am absolutely both.
I like to think that I would be like Caleb and Joshua and be like "Guys! Look, the Lord promised us this. Let's just try trusting Him." But I am SO the other children doubting and being too afraid to enter.
The land is promised, but we still have to follow Him and trust Him if we're gonna make it in. It takes so much humility. Humility that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve. Trust that I am working on and constantly failing to achieve.
I don't write these blog posts to say what other people need to do. I write these to remind myself of my failings. I seldom trust the Lord. He says "Go!" and I say "I'd rather die in Egypt." There is so much fear in me. I think about these things a lot, not because I am good at them, but because I am terrible at them!
The following is one of my favorite passages in the Word, not because I am this way but because I want to be:
"And I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? And I said, Here am I; send me."
When the road gets torn up.
I think it was in the fall that our road got repaved. It took days as they tore up one side, then the other. Paved one side, then the other.
And then it was another few days (weeks?) before they painted the yellow lines, painted the white lines. Then painted over the lines and re-did them?!
Anyhow, our road has been relatively smooth all winter and it's been a nice road. It's been a quiet road because of the bridge being closed (I love the bridge being closed!)
Last night all of the sudden there was a crew tearing up the road. I didn't know why. It was a pain to get out of my driveway, and I was sure they'd be gone when I got home but there were still working when I came home late.
This morning I look out at the road and the once smooth road is covered in muddy tire tracks which will wash away, and a crappy little patch of asphalt which will mellow in time.
It is funny to look out at the road and think "Why couldn't they have done this work before the road was beautifully re-paved? What an ugly mar on an otherwise lovely road!"
But that's not how life works. There was a gas leak and it needed to be fixed! When the road was re-paved was of no concern, nor should it have been!
So why did I think this was worth writing about? Because it's what I'm looking at out of my window, and sometimes you just gotta write things! But also, I was thinking about spiritual life.
It's so much easier to not stir things up. I want the smooth pavement, and I don't want to dig underneath it to fix the problems. It's so much easier to ignore the spiritual gas-leak.
Ignoring it is easier.
But actually it's not. It's killing you! It is slowly killing you, or it could literally blow up in your face!
It's a lot easier to see the truth of that when I look out at a patched up road. Maybe it's because I can see that it's all fine now. Maybe it's because it's not me. It's just a road that I take for granted.
I take way too much of my spiritual life for granted. It's easier to coast by with the smallest amount of maintenance. But that's not what the Lord has in mind for us.
And then it was another few days (weeks?) before they painted the yellow lines, painted the white lines. Then painted over the lines and re-did them?!
Anyhow, our road has been relatively smooth all winter and it's been a nice road. It's been a quiet road because of the bridge being closed (I love the bridge being closed!)
Last night all of the sudden there was a crew tearing up the road. I didn't know why. It was a pain to get out of my driveway, and I was sure they'd be gone when I got home but there were still working when I came home late.
This morning I look out at the road and the once smooth road is covered in muddy tire tracks which will wash away, and a crappy little patch of asphalt which will mellow in time.
It is funny to look out at the road and think "Why couldn't they have done this work before the road was beautifully re-paved? What an ugly mar on an otherwise lovely road!"
But that's not how life works. There was a gas leak and it needed to be fixed! When the road was re-paved was of no concern, nor should it have been!
So why did I think this was worth writing about? Because it's what I'm looking at out of my window, and sometimes you just gotta write things! But also, I was thinking about spiritual life.
It's so much easier to not stir things up. I want the smooth pavement, and I don't want to dig underneath it to fix the problems. It's so much easier to ignore the spiritual gas-leak.
Ignoring it is easier.
But actually it's not. It's killing you! It is slowly killing you, or it could literally blow up in your face!
It's a lot easier to see the truth of that when I look out at a patched up road. Maybe it's because I can see that it's all fine now. Maybe it's because it's not me. It's just a road that I take for granted.
I take way too much of my spiritual life for granted. It's easier to coast by with the smallest amount of maintenance. But that's not what the Lord has in mind for us.
C.S. Lewis is the man! And this passage from True Christian Religion 105 says almost the same thing:
“Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.”
What shall we eat the seventh year?
There are so many passages in the Word that remind us to trust. The Lord tells us so many times not to worry. He is leading us. He will take care of us. We're just supposed to listen and do what He says and things will work out for us. And yet, we worry. Which is probably why the Lord tells us SO many times not to.
And He doesn't just tell us to trust blindly. He also tells us what He will do for us too!
I don't doubt the Lord. I know that what He says is true, but it can be hard to feel it sometimes.
I was reading through Leviticus. Now, I don't know how familiar you are with Leviticus, but I remember as a child starting out at the beginning of the Word with excitement and I was gonna go right through and read it all. Genesis was full of stories and images and familiar things that I loved. Exodus too! Familiar, encouraging! The Ten Commandments! Yeah there are a few "begats" to get through. I remember glazing over for parts. And then I hit Levitcus and wondered what on earth happened to my narrative! Laws? I mean, I love the ten commandments, but these laws are so weird and not really that comprehensible to me. I get some of them, and which laws are still to be observed etc is a whole nother conversation.
So, Leviticus has always been a book to slog through. I gained some appreciation for it in college when I studied the Torah. I still think Leviticus 10 one of the coolest stories in the Word! But that's another blog post too.
Anyhow, this morning I came across the passage "What shall we eat in the seventh year?" and for whatever reason it really struck me!
In Chapter 25 we find more laws. And I'm reading along about when to sew your vineyards and your fields and when you can harvest them and that every 7th year is a sabbath year, which means that you neither gather the harvest nor plant for the following year. When I first started reading the chapter I wasn't really thinking about the fact that they wouldn't have food if they weren't allowed to harvest it. And then along comes verse 20: "What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase."
And for some reason that verse just really struck me and I'm not entirely sure why! And then what follows: "Then I will command My blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall make increase for three years. And you shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of the old increase until the ninth year; until her increase come in you shall eat of the old."
I hadn't even thought about the fact that one year of no work meant two years without food. No food the current year, and none the year after cause they didn't plant for it.
But the Lord always has a solution.
I think this is what really struck me in this story. The Lord provides for us. Well duh!
Well duh! And here I'm going off on a limb because this story is talking about a very orderly process where the Lord asks us to take a sabbath and He provides for the future, but He also provides for us when the famine and lack is of our own doing. He is ALWAYS providing for us and trying to help us.
So yeah, I know the story in Leviticus is talking about something a little different, but nevertheless it reminded me of this idea that the Lord is constantly providing for us and leading us and turning us toward good and bringing good out of all the situations!
And here's the thing that was really exciting to me! He doesn't just fix our blunders after we make them, or walk along beside us fixing them as we go. I mean, He does do that. He is right beside us always, helping us course correct, but the point is that He foresaw everything, and prepared us ahead of time for what would come after.
I remember when my brother got a lacerated spleen it was really upsetting to me. I don't remember why it was so scary even when I knew it would be fine. But I was really upset and a friend said to me "You know that the Lord prepared you for this before it happened, right?"
And it hadn't occurred to me. I know He is always there, and ready to step in and help us overcome anything, but He was there before.
Be not anxious for your soul, what you shall eat and what you shall drink; nor for your body, what you shall put on. Is not the soul more than food, and the body more than clothing? Matthew 6:25
Come to Me, all ye who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:32
Let not your heart be disturbed, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Cast thy burden on Jehovah, And He shall sustain thee. Psalm 55:22
Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
The day when I fear, I will trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3
And He doesn't just tell us to trust blindly. He also tells us what He will do for us too!
I don't doubt the Lord. I know that what He says is true, but it can be hard to feel it sometimes.
I was reading through Leviticus. Now, I don't know how familiar you are with Leviticus, but I remember as a child starting out at the beginning of the Word with excitement and I was gonna go right through and read it all. Genesis was full of stories and images and familiar things that I loved. Exodus too! Familiar, encouraging! The Ten Commandments! Yeah there are a few "begats" to get through. I remember glazing over for parts. And then I hit Levitcus and wondered what on earth happened to my narrative! Laws? I mean, I love the ten commandments, but these laws are so weird and not really that comprehensible to me. I get some of them, and which laws are still to be observed etc is a whole nother conversation.
So, Leviticus has always been a book to slog through. I gained some appreciation for it in college when I studied the Torah. I still think Leviticus 10 one of the coolest stories in the Word! But that's another blog post too.
Anyhow, this morning I came across the passage "What shall we eat in the seventh year?" and for whatever reason it really struck me!
In Chapter 25 we find more laws. And I'm reading along about when to sew your vineyards and your fields and when you can harvest them and that every 7th year is a sabbath year, which means that you neither gather the harvest nor plant for the following year. When I first started reading the chapter I wasn't really thinking about the fact that they wouldn't have food if they weren't allowed to harvest it. And then along comes verse 20: "What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase."
And for some reason that verse just really struck me and I'm not entirely sure why! And then what follows: "Then I will command My blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall make increase for three years. And you shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of the old increase until the ninth year; until her increase come in you shall eat of the old."
I hadn't even thought about the fact that one year of no work meant two years without food. No food the current year, and none the year after cause they didn't plant for it.
But the Lord always has a solution.
"My blessing upon you in the sixth year."
I think this is what really struck me in this story. The Lord provides for us. Well duh!
Well duh! And here I'm going off on a limb because this story is talking about a very orderly process where the Lord asks us to take a sabbath and He provides for the future, but He also provides for us when the famine and lack is of our own doing. He is ALWAYS providing for us and trying to help us.
Saying that God allows something to happen does not mean that He wants it to happen but that He cannot prevent it because of His goal, which is our salvation. . . . [Divine providence] is constantly focused on its goal; so that every moment of its work, at every single step of its course, when it notices that we are straying from that goal it leads and turns and adapts us in accord with its laws, leading us away from evil and toward good. . . . This cannot be accomplished without allowing bad things to happen. (Divine Providence 234)
So yeah, I know the story in Leviticus is talking about something a little different, but nevertheless it reminded me of this idea that the Lord is constantly providing for us and leading us and turning us toward good and bringing good out of all the situations!
And here's the thing that was really exciting to me! He doesn't just fix our blunders after we make them, or walk along beside us fixing them as we go. I mean, He does do that. He is right beside us always, helping us course correct, but the point is that He foresaw everything, and prepared us ahead of time for what would come after.
"My blessing upon you in the sixth year."
I remember when my brother got a lacerated spleen it was really upsetting to me. I don't remember why it was so scary even when I knew it would be fine. But I was really upset and a friend said to me "You know that the Lord prepared you for this before it happened, right?"
And it hadn't occurred to me. I know He is always there, and ready to step in and help us overcome anything, but He was there before.
"Before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee." Jeremiah 1:5
Who Am I?
I often ask myself the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I am 31 and I still don't know the answer to what I want to BE. I am up. I still need to grow a lot, no doubt about it, but what am I growing toward?
I was journaling by hand recently and wondering what I should focus on, even just for now. What am I gonna be when I grow up and what am I gonna do while I'm waiting?
And that's just it, I have this feeling that I'm waiting, rather than doing the things now. "When will my life begin?" floats through my brain.
Well, my life began 31 years ago. I can't be waiting for something. So then there's now to look at. So what AM I doing? and who am I anyway?
I am always having a battle with my thoughts and emotions, and I recently have been trying to notice them and not own them. The thoughts don't have to be invited in for tea. I get to decide which ones stay and which ones go. I am not my thoughts.
My emotions often get the better of me. I don't think of myself as ruled by my emotions, which has gotten the better of me, because I didn't see it coming. I think of myself as WAY intellectual. Not smart, just very intellect driven. But it turns out I have emotions too and they call a lot of the shots and that's not a good thing. I have been trying to keep them in check. But it turns out they can't be kept it check, only observed and noticed. I can't turn them off and I certainly mustn't let them control me so much. I am not my emotions.
So as I come to that realization I feel empty. If I am not my thoughts and my feelings then what am I? A hollow shell is how it feels. Haha, who cares how it feels?
I know, I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. I am my actions. But how do I decide what actions are worth taking?
Of course, of course, it all comes back to the Lord. His Word tells me what actions are worth taking. But I am no puppet. The Lord cannot work through me without my help.
It feels right that there should be this emptying out of self. I currently feel devoid of self and of life. I am not my anything. I am not. As much as this feeling really sucks, I know that it's necessary.
I am sure there are passages in the Heavenly Doctrine that speak about how we cringe at the idea of the Lord coming closer because we feel the loss of self, and yet the highest angels feel life as their own more than anyone else. I wish I could find the passage(s) I'm thinking about but this is another one of a slightly different ilk:
Who has any other feeling or perception than that when he thinks he thinks from himself, that when he wills he wills from himself, and that when he speaks and acts he speaks and acts from himself? But it is from a law of Divine Providence that man should not know otherwise, since without such feeling and perception, he could not receive, or appropriate any thing to himself, or produce any thing from himself, thus he would not be a recipient of life and an agent of life from the Lord. He would be like an automaton, or an image without understanding and will, standing with hands hanging down, in expectation of influx, which would not be imparted; for life, in consequence of non-reception and non-appropriation on man's part, would not be retained, but would pass through, whence man, from being alive, would become as it were dead, and from being a rational soul would become irrational, thus either a brute or a stock. For he would be without the delight of life, the delight which every one has from receiving, appropriating, and producing as if from himself; and yet delight and life act in unity, for take away all the delight of life, and you will become cold and die. (Apocalypse Explained 1138:4)
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