13 Drafts

I have 13 drafts on my blog. Because once again I have decided I can't publish a post without it being meaningful and thought provoking. The problem is that I have lots I want to say but I keep not saying it right so I don't write anything. Cause that's the way to get better at anything; thinking in your brain about how everything has to be perfect before action.

So I have discovered that I suck at taking action. Whether it be writing, practicing ukulele, drawing, painting, or any number of things. It's easier to think about it than actually do it. And I don't want to get things wrong so I overthink and underact.

Thinking IS useful. And reading and gathering information, even when it doesn't always feel that way.

I read the Word every day, but I don't often feel like I'm learning anything. I'm also reading TCR and while it can be mind-blowing and inspiring to read, I don't often feel like there is actionable stuff in it for me. When I brought this up at a doctrinal class our minister pointed out that what we are doing is building a framework that everything else rests on and he compared it to med-school where students learn about every aspect of the human body and while a lot of it is not going to be practical information it is nevertheless building a framework for all the hands-on stuff they will be doing.

It made me think of this passage from Matthew Chapter 22:37-40:

And Jesus said to him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God in thy whole heart, and in thy whole soul, and in thy whole mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang the whole Law and the Prophets.

I have known, from my childhood that I am supposed to love the Lord and the neighbor. But HOW does one love the Lord and the neighbor? That is where everything else comes in. And everything in the Word and Heavenly Doctrine is teaching us how to love the Lord and each other. It is a complex web of knowledge that keeps getting added to. It is an ever growing framework.

Another biblical analogy would be a tree. The roots, the branches and the leaves are useful, but the Lord tells us to bear fruit. We must have the knowledge or the branches for the fruit to grow on.

I love studying the Word, even when I don't get it all at once. If I did, I guess I wouldn't have to read it again. It is living. It is constant.

A Brief Summary

What is happening?! I haven't written in forever and this is only my second blog post in May and it's the 24th! Craziness! Also, the blog post I published in May was mostly written in April. Wow.

I was giving it some thought. It was making me sad, like I don't have time for blogging and that's not cool, but I think it's okay because it means instead of writing about life happening, life IS happening.

I went to Belgium, and also The Netherlands, Germany, and France! All for the first time (unless you count a layover in the Munich airport 10 years ago). Almost immediately upon arriving home from Europe I went to Canada. I've lost track of how many times I've been to Canada, but that was a fun and busy trip. So busy I didn't have time for a blog post or a nap.

Just popping up to Canada to help take care of my niecephews. It was a busy time and upon arriving I felt like the evil dictator aunt who waltzes in and just starts issuing orders! It took me a few days but with some prayer I was able to remember how to connect with the kids and enjoy my time there rather than feeling like I was just trying to keep a machine going. I like order, I love structure, but I can forget that I am a human being and I need to be willing to be flexible. I know that I am useful to them, but I am always blown away by how useful it is to me. It can be hard to see when I am blind with tiredness and up to my elbows in dishes, but after a non-stop two weeks I got in the car to drive home and had some reflection time, and now I've been home for almost a week and have caught up on some sleep and I can now reflect on how useful such a trip is to me.

My life is not my own. And that is a good thing. I need that reminder. I need to let go of the control of my life. But how, in my day-to-day life do I let go of control but not let go of order? Children are a surefire reminder. When you're around children there is a certain amount of predictability but with a healthy dose of uncertainty. I'm not doing a good job describing it, because I am aware of the time ticking away from me and the things I need to get done in the next half hour.

For now, let me just say that children are good for me. Chaos is good for me. Strong willed children are good for me. Having a soaking wet rag flung unceremoniously from the bathtub on to me is a good thing. Deluged with water, tears and hugs is very good for me. Struggling to teach a child a job when it is far easier to just do it myself is good for me. How often does our Father look down and think "It would be easier if I just did it myself"? But He doesn't. Because He knows how useful it is for us to learn it. He can't just do it for us though that would be so much easier.

I re-see the Lord every time I interact with children. Every time I am frustrated and tired I can see in even sharper contrast the Lord's infinite patience and kindness as He lovingly encourages us on our path.

Brief Recap.

I want to write something profound, but I fear I am a little brain fried. I am sitting in the Brussels airport after a wonderful trip to Belgium. Not only Belgium! I also got to go to Germany and the Netherlands.

I can’t tell you everything we did and why because it’s not mine to tell. Ask me if you think that's too mysterious. Haha.

I biked for the first time in years! If biking in Pennsylvania was like biking in the Netherlands I would definitely bike more! I loved it and I loved “my” bike! I was a little sore after but it was worth it. Haven't exercised those muscles in forever!

I saw lots of windmills got to go inside at least 4! And Definitely got to see fields and fields of tulips! Wow! What a beautiful country The Netherlands!

Germany was a highlight! We went for only a few hours, but the pine forests smelled like my childhood! I loved the hills and the thin trees that got so dense it was pure darkness behind! The sunlight on the trees and the hills, the beautiful old houses, crisp pine scented air! Real pine!

Wallonia, the south of Belgium, was also a delight. I loved the rolling hills and clusters of flowers, and there there were blossoming fruit trees that smelled like heaven.

Before Wallonia was West Flanders. The landscape couldn’t be more different! Flat. So flat you can’t capture it in a picture! We were driving alongside a canal we were looking for but we couldn’t see it though it was only a few yards away because of how flat the landscape is. But the flat is far from boring! The landscape was dotted with yellow brick houses with red tile roofs adorned with the natural yellow-green lichens! I loved those houses!

The flatness meant that we were able to see fairly far. You could see churches from far away and as you got closer see a few houses surrounding the church, then then flat again before we approached another little village!

We also popped into France for a few hours. It's funny the way you can just pop across country borders the way we move freely between states in the U.S.

All in all a lovely trip and I will have to write more soon!

English Isn’t My First Language

Not being able to speak the language(s) of the country you’re visiting can be extremely isolating. In Brussels I didn’t notice it so much because though we were in an apartment with another girl from Norway she spoke very good English. A lot of people in Brussels speak English. I think a lot of people in West Flanders also speak English but I just really wish that I spoke Dutch. I have to say, I am not proud to be an American.

Q: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
A: Tringual.
Q: What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
A: Bilingual.
Q: What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
A: American.

I know a few Dutch words. And I know what even fewer Dutch words mean. I see words on signs and I’m like “I know that word! But I don’t know what it means.” And because I can barely form a sentence it feels insulting to try. I’m just another loud American tourist disturbing this beautiful county. But everyone we have met has been kind and has spoken a bit of English and has not seemed annoyed by us. It is just myself who feels shame for not being able to speak their language.

But there is a language here, and most places, that I understand. On Sunday we drove to Dunkirk and went to Catholic Mass at St Eloi. Did I understand the words the children sang? The words we were invited to sing? The words of the priest? It was French. I know a handful of French words, but got almost nothing from the words I heard. But I heard more than the words. About 20 children took their first communion on Sunday. I am not catholic, but I understood the children’s declarations of faith. I understood the people around me kneeling. I understood the voices singing to the Lord.

That evening we went to another Catholic Mass in De Panne, Belgium. Another language. This time I picked out a few words of the sermon and recognized the Lord’s Prayer immediately when we started saying it. But it wasn’t the words that spoke to me but the people around me. A smaller service than the St Eloi by far, but just as touching.

In Catholic Mass you are only offered the bread, not the wine, something I don’t understand and want to read more about. But I understood the tears of the woman in front of me as she took the bread of communion.

Wherever you are in the world there is fellowship if you look for it. Indeed, I felt more at home with the people of St Eloi and The Chapelle Royale than I would among many English speaking people. I spoke the same language as the people around me. They are not of the same religion as me, but they don’t need to be: they are worshipping the Lord!

Travels and Journals!

I know I've mentioned it before but as a new years resolution I decided to handwrite two pages every day. I just finished off one journal a day or two ago and have a fresh journal to bring with me to Belgium! As of today I have written 212 pages this year!

Sometimes I envision a shelf full of journals, but these aren't full of any great matter. I write the interesting stuff here on my blog. Stuff like "Hey, I'm writing a journal" and "Hugh Jackman is the awesomest celebrity ever." Important stuff like that. But my journals are even more dull. Sometimes it is literally "I don't want to write. Gotta fill these pages. Blah blah blah. I'm bored of writing. I hate writing. I love writing."

But it's an exercise and it's good for me.

In other news, I leave for Belgium today?! What? What? I'm sure that in the next few hours the anxiety will hit, but I'm actually feeling quite chill this morning. Oh, you know, just popping on to a plane this afternoon and going to Europe like you do. No big deal.

Except that it is a big deal and I am beyond excited and there will be so much to do and see and I am crossing my fingers that I will get to see fields of tulips and some windmills. Since "seeing windmills" is on our itinerary, I'm thinking there's a chance! Also, it's tulip season in the Netherlands and I assume there will be some tulips in Belgium too. 

Oh man! I don't know how often I will post blog posts while I'm away, but I hope to post a few!

Prayers and well-wishes for a fun and safe adventure will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my blog. I'll write again soon, I hope!

I'm Belgian Bound.

My brain is mush after a very short amount of research. Cause scouring the web for a bit of information is made SO much harder when you're slogging through French and Flemish websites trying to make sense of it from the little you know. And yes, I am aware of "translate this page" buttons which work some of the time.

I am sure my brain will be even more mush when I arrive in Belgium. But I am excited. Oh by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Belgium? I am so excited about it all. It's a long story involving me voluntarily getting dragged into making a movie with a friend. I was free to help out and so I kept being around and going to meetings and planning and then all of the sudden I was co-producing and assistant directing a film. Ask me about it sometime.

So, one thing led to another and now we're going to do some research in Belgium and location scouting and DANG! I'm going to Belgium! The last time I left the country was 8 years ago when I went to New Zealand (not including trips to Canada). I've been to Canada, Mexico, New Zealand, England Scotland and, though it barely counts, a 3 hour layover in Germany. I have never been to Europe proper and by the end of April I'll be able to say I've been to 3 more countries (4 if you count two short layovers in the Dublin airport).

Needless to say I am quite excited! I am mostly pretty organized and packed at this point with only a few more things to add to my suitcase. Can't forget my toothbrush. Not sure why it wasn't on my list already, but luckily a friend offered to look over my list and pointed out the essentials that I was missing. Super useful. Always get someone to look over your packing list.

Life is good. God is good. I am grateful. I am Belgian bound!

The Lord Wants to Know

I think one of my favorite passages in the Word is "Did not our hearts burn within us?" It's such a powerful image of the Lord's words stirring us.

But the story is also so much about our obliviousness. It starts out with two disciples walking along and the Lord joining them on their path.

"And He said to them, What words are these which you exchange with each another, while you walk and are sad? And one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering, said to Him, Art Thou only a sojourner in Jerusalem, and hast not known the things which have come to pass there in these days? And He said to them, What things?" (Luke 24:17-19)

The Lord is omniscient, and yet He asks them why they are sad. And they wonder how He doesn't know what is going on when this is the biggest thing that has happened! Something monumental just happened in their lives and this Person asks them "Why are you sad?"

How often does that happen to us? We're going through something huge and the Lord asks us casually "Why are you sad?" and we answer "How do you not know?!" and He responds "Tell me about it."

The Lord wants to know. He always wants to hear what is going on. He already knows but He still wants us to come and tell Him.

I still feel like I am bad at praying, and yet we are told that prayer is speech with God. It shouldn't be that hard to talk to the Lord, and yet it always is for me, so I appreciate this reminder that the Lord knows it all and yet He still asks us to tell Him. He is always there and ready to listen, but I still need this reminder to open my eyes to Him.

"Taking bread, He blessed it; and breaking, gave it to them. And their eyes were opened, and they knew Him; and He became invisible to them. And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while He spoke to us in the way, and while He opened to us the Scriptures? And standing up in that same hour, they returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven assembled, and those who were with them, saying, The Lord has truly risen!" (30-34)