Don't Bleed Out.

Ripping off the bandaid hurts. It's not like slowly peeling it off is painful but if you just rip it off it stops hurting.

I'm trying to wean myself off of caffeine. Withdrawal is real. Quitting cold turkey is not ripping off the bandaid. It still hurts. Evil is like that too. Only you can't wean yourself off of evil, or can you?

Does the Lord let us slowly realize our evils and slowly help us remove them? Yes. He knows that if we were to quit all evil at once we would die. He lets the wheat and the tares grow together. He bends us, not breaks us.  Little by little (Matthew 13:24-30, Isaiah 42:3, Exodus 23:30).

So when is the bandaid analogy apt?

I think that people think that it will stop hurting if you just rip off the bandaid. But that's not how it works. It's more like a wound that cannot heal with a bandaid on it. The bandaid isn't a solution. It's a problem. It's gonna hurt as long as it's there. And it's gonna hurt however you choose to remove it. Slow or swift the bandaid removal will hurt. And guess what? It will continue to hurt. Even after the bandaid is gone. But that wound cannot begin to heal if the bandaid stays.

But even so, changing the analogy a little bit, if you get stabbed or pierced you are not supposed to pull the thing out of you. If you do, you'll just bleed out. You have to wait until you're equipped to handle it. Like wait till you're at the hospital or until you are prepared to deal with copious amounts of blood pouring from you. If you don't have help, or can't deal with it yet, it's a bad idea to pull the knife out or you'll just bleed out and die.

So, I don't know. I'm mixing analogies, but I guess I don't understand the bandaid one. Cause bandaids are supposed to be helpful, not harmful. Why is there all this discussion about ripping them off?

Maybe it's because they are helpful. They cover a hurt from getting worse. But if you never changed that bandaid, or tried to keep in on forever then it would start to infect your skin and be really nasty. So you just gotta rip off that little strip of sticky plastic that was once helpful but is now just gathering dirt and dead skin and making you feel sick when you look at it.

Don't bleed out. But don't let infections fester. Breathe.

The Only Love You Need

It is easy to feel alone in this world. Even surrounded by good people it can still feel like there's a lot of hard in the world. And, at least for me, it can feel really lonely. Even when people love me, I can feel really alone. So while out walking I had a really obvious realization:


The only love I need is the Lord’s love.


Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.

Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?

No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.

He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.

His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.

But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.

Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.

But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.

He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.

"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).

No Agenda

I keep thinking my blog posts have to have an agenda, or cover something, or talk about what's going on in my life. None of those things are wrong, but I created this blog to write. And if I'm worried about filling some specific agenda I don't write.

So today, I am going to write the crap and not care if this post does nothing.

Sometimes I just want nothing.

Life is busy. So many things to do, so I'm avoiding them. Jk. I'm not even. I just paused writing this to send a few more emails and texts and add something to my to-do list. Haha. I can't even avoid anything.

I'm sitting at Starbucks. My eyes are tired. I should probably nap, but if I know me, I won't.

I have to go food shopping. I'm going to visit a friend. I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to chill.

In other news, I think I'm kinda broken. Maybe not, but I've trained myself not to cry for so long that crying when tears press on my eyes feels super weird, but I'm trying to re-train myself and just let the tears come when they push to get out.

So now I cry always. Like way too much. Not about anything either. Pretty music at church? Boom! Tears. Reading TCR? Boom! Tears. Like multiple times. In public!! Thinking about tears? Boom! Tears! Stress in my shoulders creating massive headache inducing stress? Boom! Tears.

All the songs from Wicked are stuck in my head. Not actually, just all the good ones. "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!"  "And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend!"

Sometimes when I start writing I get on to something and then I write something interesting. This time it's a total random.

Hello world, time to go buy some veggies!

Wicked

I have lived in the Philly area for the past 18 and a half years. I have visited Philly a few times for various things, but I'm not really a city girl. But still, having lived right between two major U.S. cities for 18 years, you would think that I would have visited New York or D.C. but you would be wrong.

I am also a fan of music and musicals. Well, at least well done ones.... I loved seeing the Phantom of the Opera and The Scarlet Pimpernel in Philly, but never have I ever been to Broadway.

Until now.

My 30th birthday was in January. Yeah, like forever ago. And a very dear friend decided it was time that I went to NYC and Broadway, so she got contributions from my friends and bought me two Broadway tickets so I could go with a friend at some point.

Well, life got busy. Now it's November, and finally, yesterday, I went to NYC. Now, as previously said, I'm not a city girl, I would have been on my phone all day with my gps open and it probably would not have been that great a trip. But I brought my friend Leanna with me and she knows her way around!

I didn't choose her for her navigation skills. I chose her because she's fantastic human who I love and feel completely comfortable with. Indeed it wasn't until we were on the train to the city and wandering the streets of Manhattan that I realized just how much she knows her way around. She had all these ideas for fun and/or iconic things to see in the city within an easy walking distance of the station. Even so, according to my phone, we spent just about 3 hours of the day walking, and walked over 20,800 steps!

We went St Patrick's Cathedral, Time Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Fika - a Swedish pastry shop, Dylan's Candy Bar, The East River, The Little Beet, and of course the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked.

I really enjoyed seeing some of the iconic places like Time Square and Central Park, but I have to say, my favorite things were random little places Leanna found. Fika was one of my favorite places because it was just a cute little cultural nook. We got cardamon rolls and I got spicy hot chocolate which is one of my favorite drinks! Now I with I need to visit Scandinavia!

We went a lot of places, and Wicked inspired all the feels! And I have to say, it was quite something rushing the train at the end of the day!

All in all, it was one lovely day in the Big Apple with a great friend!

Does God favor the believers?

If God loves everyone, why does He provide more for some and less for others? What is the determining factor in who gets what?

If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?

Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?

Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?

If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?

I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.

Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?

I just had a thought, bear with me.

You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."

Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!

But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.

Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?

Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?

Just Breathe

"Just breathe," he says.

But I can't, because the colors are closing in around me. I can't even describe what colors they are, because there are too many and too close. I can't distinguish between them anymore, and my breathing is shallow. Or maybe it's not even there anymore.

I don't remember the last time I took a breath. And I am dizzy. Too much is pressing in on me and the colors are swirling faster and faster.  I can't focus on anything. I have to make it stop. My head is going to explode.

"Just breathe," he says again.

And one rickety breath escapes my lungs.

But my mind is still a fog. I want to collapse because there is no breath in me, but instead I start running. Running from the mess of colors trapping me in. I feel sick, and there is a tightness in my chest, but I must keep running.

All of the sudden water is pouring over me and I'm coughing and spitting it out. It's like I ran in to a waterfall that wasn't there. And I look around me, trying to find the source but I cannot see. The water is flooding over me and at last I try to gasp for air but all I get is a mouth full of water and I'm coughing and sputtering and I double over trying to find dryness to breathe in, but the water is choking me. I am drowning.

"Don't stop. Keep going."

But the water is pounding down on me, knocking me off my feet. I am on my knees, trying to crawl out of this mess but I am so wet that I am more liquid than solid and I can't crawl. I feel like I am oozing.

And then I am falling. Sliding, being carried along by this strong current. I'm not sure if this is pleasant or miserable. I still don't know if I'm liquid or solid, but I am moving. I had tried to move forward, but now I was being washed away. Down didn't seem like the right direction, but at least I was moving. And as soon as I had this thought the water began rushing me up. The current was pushing me up until it spat me out on a dry bit of land and I coughed and at last sought the breath that I had put off taking.

In with one great gulp and my brain begins to clear.

Koselig!

I love fall. Yesterday I walked along the trail appreciating the golden leaves against the bright blue sky. It's one of my favorite times of year!

Today I am sitting at Starbucks looking out at a gray and damp parking lot. All the tress I can see are completely bare of leaves. On all accounts it is a dreary day.

And I love it. It's probably because I'm listening to Christmas music, and planning Christmassy things. It's November 13. And it's a Monday. So begins another week. So begins another cold and dark season. But it thrills me!

Monday should be depressing. But dude! New beginnings (yeah, I know the week begins on Sunday). And yeah, this weather heralds the death of all things. Cold, miserable months ahead, right?

But that doesn't have to be the attitude. And I know, I'm one to talk. I still have a hard time accepting humidity, so I get that gray and rainy isn't for everyone. But every year I get more and more into the Scandinavian ideas of coziness. Koselig and Hygge are my new favorite words!

I don't love winter because it's cold and gross. I love it because it's cozy! Fires and friends, and hot chocolate and the hushed sounds of falling snow.

Yes, today on this cold and rainy day I am looking forward to it getting even colder!