Quarantine

I assume you all know what this word means, but because I like to begin blog posts with a dictionary definition, I'll give you one:

Quarantine: a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.

Yep yep. If you've been exposed to an infectious disease you spend some time in isolation. At this point we're assuming we all have been exposed so we're all isolating. But look at the word again: Quarantine.

What does the word mean? Where does it come from? Well, it's an Italian word and it literally means forty days.

We all know that a quarantine can last more or less time than that, but I think it's interesting that the word literally means 40 days.

And I don't know about you, but when I hear 40 days my mind jumps immediately to the Lord's time in the wilderness.

That by "forty days and nights" is signified the duration of temptation, is plainly evident from the Word of the Lord. That "forty" signifies the duration of temptation, comes from the fact that the Lord suffered Himself to be tempted for forty days (as is stated in Matthew 4:1, 2; Luke 4:2; Mark 1:13). (Arcana Coelestia 730)

The new testament doesn't actually tell us that much about the Lord's time in the wilderness, other than the few verses about the devil tempting him, but we know much more about the Lord's trials throughout the whole old testament.

That while He was in the world the Lord endured such temptations, is only briefly described in the Gospels, but at great length in the prophets, and especially in the Psalms of David. In the Gospels it is only said that He was led into the wilderness, and was afterward tempted by the devil, and that He was there forty days, and was with the beasts (Mark 1:12, 13; Matt. 4:1)

And of course there are other times the Word mentions 40 days or even years! Here are just a few:

Moses was upon Mount Sinai forty days and forty nights, during which he ate no bread and drank no water (Exod. 24:18; 34:28; Deut. 9:9, 11, 18, 25).

Jehovah bare them in the wilderness as a man beareth his son, in the way, even unto this place (Deut. 1:31).

Jehovah hath known thy walking through the great wilderness these forty years, Jehovah thy God hath been with thee that thou lackedst nothing (Deut. 2:7).

And thou shalt remember all of the way in which Jehovah thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, in order to afflict thee, and to tempt thee, to know what was in thy heart, whether thou wouldest keep His commandments, or not. And He afflicted thee, and caused thee to hunger, and caused thee to eat the manna, which thou knewest not, and thy fathers knew not; so that He might make thee to know that | man does not live on bread alone, but on all that goes out of the mouth of Jehovah does man live. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

 He fed thee with manna; to afflict thee, to tempt thee, and to do thee good at the last (Deut. 8:16).

It's rough for sure, but there is beauty in it. You gotta admit that the Lord's got this. At times it doesn't feel like it, but He's dealt with this before. He's dealt with everything before. We're wandering in the wilderness, but He will bring us out of it, as He does time and time again.

And God led the people about, by the way of the wilderness. That this signifies that under the Divine auspices they were brought to confirm the truths and goods of faith through temptations, is evident from the signification of "God led," as being Providence (AC 8098)

I'd also like to point out that a lot of these instances mention fasting. I don't think we need to give up food, but the infrequent grocery store trips, and un-stocked shelves can lead to shortages, and I think we can take those times as a kind of fasting, rather than being frustrated by the lack.

I think we all gave up a lot more than we intended to for Lent this year. But we can use that to our advantage. Make it a choice rather than being victimized by our circumstances. I know it's hard. But I also know that we can get through this, especially together, and most importantly because the Lord is on our side.

Continual victory is signified by its being said that after the temptations, "angels came and ministered unto Him" (Matt. 4:11; Mark 1:13).

The Lord from His earliest childhood up to the last hour of His life in the world, was assaulted by all the hells, against which He continually fought, and subjugated and overcame them, and this solely from love toward the whole human race. (AC 1690:3)

A Brief Summary

What is happening?! I haven't written in forever and this is only my second blog post in May and it's the 24th! Craziness! Also, the blog post I published in May was mostly written in April. Wow.

I was giving it some thought. It was making me sad, like I don't have time for blogging and that's not cool, but I think it's okay because it means instead of writing about life happening, life IS happening.

I went to Belgium, and also The Netherlands, Germany, and France! All for the first time (unless you count a layover in the Munich airport 10 years ago). Almost immediately upon arriving home from Europe I went to Canada. I've lost track of how many times I've been to Canada, but that was a fun and busy trip. So busy I didn't have time for a blog post or a nap.

Just popping up to Canada to help take care of my niecephews. It was a busy time and upon arriving I felt like the evil dictator aunt who waltzes in and just starts issuing orders! It took me a few days but with some prayer I was able to remember how to connect with the kids and enjoy my time there rather than feeling like I was just trying to keep a machine going. I like order, I love structure, but I can forget that I am a human being and I need to be willing to be flexible. I know that I am useful to them, but I am always blown away by how useful it is to me. It can be hard to see when I am blind with tiredness and up to my elbows in dishes, but after a non-stop two weeks I got in the car to drive home and had some reflection time, and now I've been home for almost a week and have caught up on some sleep and I can now reflect on how useful such a trip is to me.

My life is not my own. And that is a good thing. I need that reminder. I need to let go of the control of my life. But how, in my day-to-day life do I let go of control but not let go of order? Children are a surefire reminder. When you're around children there is a certain amount of predictability but with a healthy dose of uncertainty. I'm not doing a good job describing it, because I am aware of the time ticking away from me and the things I need to get done in the next half hour.

For now, let me just say that children are good for me. Chaos is good for me. Strong willed children are good for me. Having a soaking wet rag flung unceremoniously from the bathtub on to me is a good thing. Deluged with water, tears and hugs is very good for me. Struggling to teach a child a job when it is far easier to just do it myself is good for me. How often does our Father look down and think "It would be easier if I just did it myself"? But He doesn't. Because He knows how useful it is for us to learn it. He can't just do it for us though that would be so much easier.

I re-see the Lord every time I interact with children. Every time I am frustrated and tired I can see in even sharper contrast the Lord's infinite patience and kindness as He lovingly encourages us on our path.

Brief Recap.

I want to write something profound, but I fear I am a little brain fried. I am sitting in the Brussels airport after a wonderful trip to Belgium. Not only Belgium! I also got to go to Germany and the Netherlands.

I can’t tell you everything we did and why because it’s not mine to tell. Ask me if you think that's too mysterious. Haha.

I biked for the first time in years! If biking in Pennsylvania was like biking in the Netherlands I would definitely bike more! I loved it and I loved “my” bike! I was a little sore after but it was worth it. Haven't exercised those muscles in forever!

I saw lots of windmills got to go inside at least 4! And Definitely got to see fields and fields of tulips! Wow! What a beautiful country The Netherlands!

Germany was a highlight! We went for only a few hours, but the pine forests smelled like my childhood! I loved the hills and the thin trees that got so dense it was pure darkness behind! The sunlight on the trees and the hills, the beautiful old houses, crisp pine scented air! Real pine!

Wallonia, the south of Belgium, was also a delight. I loved the rolling hills and clusters of flowers, and there there were blossoming fruit trees that smelled like heaven.

Before Wallonia was West Flanders. The landscape couldn’t be more different! Flat. So flat you can’t capture it in a picture! We were driving alongside a canal we were looking for but we couldn’t see it though it was only a few yards away because of how flat the landscape is. But the flat is far from boring! The landscape was dotted with yellow brick houses with red tile roofs adorned with the natural yellow-green lichens! I loved those houses!

The flatness meant that we were able to see fairly far. You could see churches from far away and as you got closer see a few houses surrounding the church, then then flat again before we approached another little village!

We also popped into France for a few hours. It's funny the way you can just pop across country borders the way we move freely between states in the U.S.

All in all a lovely trip and I will have to write more soon!

Travels and Journals!

I know I've mentioned it before but as a new years resolution I decided to handwrite two pages every day. I just finished off one journal a day or two ago and have a fresh journal to bring with me to Belgium! As of today I have written 212 pages this year!

Sometimes I envision a shelf full of journals, but these aren't full of any great matter. I write the interesting stuff here on my blog. Stuff like "Hey, I'm writing a journal" and "Hugh Jackman is the awesomest celebrity ever." Important stuff like that. But my journals are even more dull. Sometimes it is literally "I don't want to write. Gotta fill these pages. Blah blah blah. I'm bored of writing. I hate writing. I love writing."

But it's an exercise and it's good for me.

In other news, I leave for Belgium today?! What? What? I'm sure that in the next few hours the anxiety will hit, but I'm actually feeling quite chill this morning. Oh, you know, just popping on to a plane this afternoon and going to Europe like you do. No big deal.

Except that it is a big deal and I am beyond excited and there will be so much to do and see and I am crossing my fingers that I will get to see fields of tulips and some windmills. Since "seeing windmills" is on our itinerary, I'm thinking there's a chance! Also, it's tulip season in the Netherlands and I assume there will be some tulips in Belgium too. 

Oh man! I don't know how often I will post blog posts while I'm away, but I hope to post a few!

Prayers and well-wishes for a fun and safe adventure will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my blog. I'll write again soon, I hope!

I'm Belgian Bound.

My brain is mush after a very short amount of research. Cause scouring the web for a bit of information is made SO much harder when you're slogging through French and Flemish websites trying to make sense of it from the little you know. And yes, I am aware of "translate this page" buttons which work some of the time.

I am sure my brain will be even more mush when I arrive in Belgium. But I am excited. Oh by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Belgium? I am so excited about it all. It's a long story involving me voluntarily getting dragged into making a movie with a friend. I was free to help out and so I kept being around and going to meetings and planning and then all of the sudden I was co-producing and assistant directing a film. Ask me about it sometime.

So, one thing led to another and now we're going to do some research in Belgium and location scouting and DANG! I'm going to Belgium! The last time I left the country was 8 years ago when I went to New Zealand (not including trips to Canada). I've been to Canada, Mexico, New Zealand, England Scotland and, though it barely counts, a 3 hour layover in Germany. I have never been to Europe proper and by the end of April I'll be able to say I've been to 3 more countries (4 if you count two short layovers in the Dublin airport).

Needless to say I am quite excited! I am mostly pretty organized and packed at this point with only a few more things to add to my suitcase. Can't forget my toothbrush. Not sure why it wasn't on my list already, but luckily a friend offered to look over my list and pointed out the essentials that I was missing. Super useful. Always get someone to look over your packing list.

Life is good. God is good. I am grateful. I am Belgian bound!

The Lord Wants to Know

I think one of my favorite passages in the Word is "Did not our hearts burn within us?" It's such a powerful image of the Lord's words stirring us.

But the story is also so much about our obliviousness. It starts out with two disciples walking along and the Lord joining them on their path.

"And He said to them, What words are these which you exchange with each another, while you walk and are sad? And one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering, said to Him, Art Thou only a sojourner in Jerusalem, and hast not known the things which have come to pass there in these days? And He said to them, What things?" (Luke 24:17-19)

The Lord is omniscient, and yet He asks them why they are sad. And they wonder how He doesn't know what is going on when this is the biggest thing that has happened! Something monumental just happened in their lives and this Person asks them "Why are you sad?"

How often does that happen to us? We're going through something huge and the Lord asks us casually "Why are you sad?" and we answer "How do you not know?!" and He responds "Tell me about it."

The Lord wants to know. He always wants to hear what is going on. He already knows but He still wants us to come and tell Him.

I still feel like I am bad at praying, and yet we are told that prayer is speech with God. It shouldn't be that hard to talk to the Lord, and yet it always is for me, so I appreciate this reminder that the Lord knows it all and yet He still asks us to tell Him. He is always there and ready to listen, but I still need this reminder to open my eyes to Him.

"Taking bread, He blessed it; and breaking, gave it to them. And their eyes were opened, and they knew Him; and He became invisible to them. And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while He spoke to us in the way, and while He opened to us the Scriptures? And standing up in that same hour, they returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven assembled, and those who were with them, saying, The Lord has truly risen!" (30-34)

Don't Get Stuck.

I write a lot of crap. I should probably start writing a draft of something and then deleting it and writing something better. But then I get into these weird mind games of perfection and if this or that is good enough. And that was the point of starting a blog in the first place. To avoid this feeling that I have to be perfect.

"Write out the crap," a friend once told me. Well, I've been writing crap for months, waiting for some breakthrough and inspirational piece that is mind-blowingly awesome. But that's just me being too goal oriented again and not enjoying the process.

I love to paint. I've been trying to paint out the crap too. Most of the time I paint random blobs of color and smears and call it "playing with paint" but even that has begun to feel like a cop out or something. I like to call it playing with paint because it relieves some of the pressure of it being art.

I'm not an artist. I'm not a writer. I'm just an ordinary person who writes words down, and who plays with paint on a canvas.

That's what an artist or writer does.

Yeah but they have skills.

So do you.

Not like them.

Don't you think that at one point they said the same things to themselves? If everyone let their self-doubt get in the way we wouldn't have any writers, artists, musicians, cooks, parents... people who do anything.

I don't want to become cocky and arrogant. I hate the idea of claiming that I have talents because it feels so bloody conceited.

You know what's even more bloody conceited? Saying no to the Lord's gifts.

I am allowed to play with paint. I am allowed to call myself an artist. I am allowed to write crap and I am allowed to call myself an author.

Because the Lord gave me talents and He asks me to use them. It isn't arrogant to thank the Lord for His gifts by using them. Using them to restore my soul, to unwind, to brighten other peoples' lives.

I'm pretty sure He wants us to be doing things. Because it's a lot easier to lead someone who is moving than one who is sitting and waiting to be moved.

But wait, in my very last blog post I quoted Exodus 14:13 - "Stand still and see the salvation of Jehovah." Well, 2 verses later it continues: "Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

Why? Because the Lord wants us to stop for a moment and acknowledge that all good is from Him and that we can do nothing without Him. And then He wants us to keep going.

"Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

He is Capable

Sometimes I feel like if I left go of something that I will be letting go of the Lord’s plan. But that’s not true. The Lord can and will work through my stupidity. I’m not advocating for stupidity. It’s never a good idea to launch into something thinking “Whatever. The Lord will save me from my stupidity.” I’m talking about trying to follow the Lord. I want to hear Him but I don’t know what He wants. So if I am trying to follow Him I can let go of a lot of things and if any of those things are in His plans He will bring them back to me or me back to them. If I am trying to follow Him I am not in danger of throwing away some big plan He has for me. If I am trying to follow Him He will lead me, even if I don’t see His providence working, it is. He is capable. If I am trying to hear Him then He will lead me.

"People in the stream of providence are being carried along constantly towards happier things, whatever appearance the means may present. Those in the stream of providence are people who trust in the Divine and ascribe everything to Him." Arcana Coelestia 8478:4

Hinging My Life On One Hope.

“It’s okay to want something and work towards it, but if everything hinges on the achievement of that goal and all will have been for nought if the goal is not achieved, you’re doing it wrong.”

A friend recently said this to me and as obvious as it might seem to some, it was exceedingly striking to me.

I am a very goal oriented person. Sometimes the process is part of that goal, but too often it is a hurdle to get over. Traveling is a super obvious example. I actually have a lot of fondness for car trips, but I really just want to be there already. The same applies to many aspects of my life.

Because of this mentality I have instead been trying to to embrace the process and that means embracing a lot of mess and a lot of failure.

On a recent car trip I was listening to a podcast that was talking about raising perfectionist, and how to avoid that. It is really important to praise someone's process. Not so helpful to only praise the result. It was a little bit terrifying hearing the woman talk about the best way to talk to kids. I'm now petrified of saying the wrong thing. I have to reprogram my entire reaction to things to avoid screwing up the little people, and indeed the adults, in my life.

It's important to see and share the steps of a journey. Even the ugly ones. I don't mean that we should be airing our dirty laundry. I don't think that's useful either, but an example is a before and after photo of a house. People like seeing the steps. They like to see how it went from one thing to another. Because otherwise we're looking at some magic and we only see that someone got from point a to point b but we don't know how. "One thing led to another." Um, okay. How and why did one thing lead to another?

I have recently been saying a lot that I am embracing imperfection. Failure IS an option. But that isn't the goal. The goal is important too! I'm not saying go in to something with the intention of it failing. But just letting life continue if you do fail. I'm not saying that we should not aim for perfection or the ideal. Especially in our spiritual life it is important that we are trying and trying hard. But also being kind to ourselves and others when we aren't perfect. The Lord looks at us with infinite mercy. He wants us to succeed, and He gives us infinite encouragement and help. But He does not turn His back on us when we are not perfect. He is always giving us hope and a way back.

When I travel by car or by plane I just want to be there already. I would love to be able to apparate and skip the traveling part. That is true of some skills too. I would love to skip the learning process of ukulele. It's slow and I feel like a beginner all the time, even though I have been playing for over a year.

But with painting, I don't want to skip the process. If I skipped the process and just had finished paintings around my room I wouldn't care about them. But when I paint something I see the process as I go. I take a picture and I post a half finished painting to embrace the process and to know that I created something because I put in the effort. And I will continue to put in the effort and make it better. Painting is a process that I love even though it is never perfect. And it's only one of the many things that makes me happy. Life is more than one thing. It has to be.

When the road gets torn up.

I think it was in the fall that our road got repaved. It took days as they tore up one side, then the other. Paved one side, then the other.

And then it was another few days (weeks?) before they painted the yellow lines, painted the white lines. Then painted over the lines and re-did them?!

Anyhow, our road has been relatively smooth all winter and it's been a nice road. It's been a quiet road because of the bridge being closed (I love the bridge being closed!)

Last night all of the sudden there was a crew tearing up the road. I didn't know why. It was a pain to get out of my driveway, and I was sure they'd be gone when I got home but there were still working when I came home late.

This morning I look out at the road and the once smooth road is covered in muddy tire tracks which will wash away, and a crappy little patch of asphalt which will mellow in time.

It is funny to look out at the road and think "Why couldn't they have done this work before the road was beautifully re-paved? What an ugly mar on an otherwise lovely road!"

But that's not how life works. There was a gas leak and it needed to be fixed! When the road was re-paved was of no concern, nor should it have been!

So why did I think this was worth writing about? Because it's what I'm looking at out of my window, and sometimes you just gotta write things! But also, I was thinking about spiritual life.

It's so much easier to not stir things up. I want the smooth pavement, and I don't want to dig underneath it to fix the problems. It's so much easier to ignore the spiritual gas-leak.

Ignoring it is easier.

But actually it's not. It's killing you! It is slowly killing you, or it could literally blow up in your face!

It's a lot easier to see the truth of that when I look out at a patched up road. Maybe it's because I can see that it's all fine now. Maybe it's because it's not me. It's just a road that I take for granted.

I take way too much of my spiritual life for granted. It's easier to coast by with the smallest amount of maintenance. But that's not what the Lord has in mind for us.

C.S. Lewis is the man! And this passage from True Christian Religion 105 says almost the same thing:

“Divine order requires that a person should adjust himself to receive God and prepare himself to be a receptacle and abode into which God may enter and in which, as in His temple, God may dwell. From himself man must do this, and yet must acknowledge that it is from God.”

What shall we eat the seventh year?

There are so many passages in the Word that remind us to trust. The Lord tells us so many times not to worry. He is leading us. He will take care of us. We're just supposed to listen and do what He says and things will work out for us. And yet, we worry. Which is probably why the Lord tells us SO many times not to.

Be not anxious for your soul, what you shall eat and what you shall drink; nor for your body, what you shall put on. Is not the soul more than food, and the body more than clothing? Matthew 6:25

Come to Me, all ye who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:32

Let not your heart be disturbed, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Cast thy burden on Jehovah, And He shall sustain thee. Psalm 55:22

Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The day when I fear, I will trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3

And He doesn't just tell us to trust blindly. He also tells us what He will do for us too!

I don't doubt the Lord. I know that what He says is true, but it can be hard to feel it sometimes.

I was reading through Leviticus. Now, I don't know how familiar you are with Leviticus, but I remember as a child starting out at the beginning of the Word with excitement and I was gonna go right through and read it all. Genesis was full of stories and images and familiar things that I loved. Exodus too! Familiar, encouraging! The Ten Commandments! Yeah there are a few "begats" to get through. I remember glazing over for parts. And then I hit Levitcus and wondered what on earth happened to my narrative! Laws? I mean, I love the ten commandments, but these laws are so weird and not really that comprehensible to me. I get some of them, and which laws are still to be observed etc is a whole nother conversation.

So, Leviticus has always been a book to slog through. I gained some appreciation for it in college when I studied the Torah. I still think Leviticus 10 one of the coolest stories in the Word! But that's another blog post too.

Anyhow, this morning I came across the passage "What shall we eat in the seventh year?" and for whatever reason it really struck me!

In Chapter 25 we find more laws. And I'm reading along about when to sew your vineyards and your fields and when you can harvest them and that every 7th year is a sabbath year, which means that you neither gather the harvest nor plant for the following year. When I first started reading the chapter I wasn't really thinking about the fact that they wouldn't have food if they weren't allowed to harvest it. And then along comes verse 20: "What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase."

And for some reason that verse just really struck me and I'm not entirely sure why! And then what follows:  "Then I will command My blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall make increase for three years. And you shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of the old increase until the ninth year; until her increase come in you shall eat of the old."

I hadn't even thought about the fact that one year of no work meant two years without food. No food the current year, and none the year after cause they didn't plant for it.

But the Lord always has a solution.

"My blessing upon you in the sixth year."

I think this is what really struck me in this story. The Lord provides for us. Well duh!

Well duh! And here I'm going off on a limb because this story is talking about a very orderly process where the Lord asks us to take a sabbath and He provides for the future, but He also provides for us when the famine and lack is of our own doing. He is ALWAYS providing for us and trying to help us.

Saying that God allows something to happen does not mean that He wants it to happen but that He cannot prevent it because of His goal, which is our salvation. . . . [Divine providence] is constantly focused on its goal; so that every moment of its work, at every single step of its course, when it notices that we are straying from that goal it leads and turns and adapts us in accord with its laws, leading us away from evil and toward good. . . . This cannot be accomplished without allowing bad things to happen. (Divine Providence 234)

So yeah, I know the story in Leviticus is talking about something a little different, but nevertheless it reminded me of this idea that the Lord is constantly providing for us and leading us and turning us toward good and bringing good out of all the situations!

And here's the thing that was really exciting to me! He doesn't just fix our blunders after we make them, or walk along beside us fixing them as we go. I mean, He does do that. He is right beside us always, helping us course correct, but the point is that He foresaw everything, and prepared us ahead of time for what would come after.

"My blessing upon you in the sixth year."

I remember when my brother got a lacerated spleen it was really upsetting to me. I don't remember why it was so scary even when I knew it would be fine. But I was really upset and a friend said to me "You know that the Lord prepared you for this before it happened, right?"

And it hadn't occurred to me. I know He is always there, and ready to step in and help us overcome anything, but He was there before.

"Before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee." Jeremiah 1:5 

Who Am I?

I often ask myself the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I am 31 and I still don't know the answer to what I want to BE. I am up. I still need to grow a lot, no doubt about it, but what am I growing toward?

I was journaling by hand recently and wondering what I should focus on, even just for now. What am I gonna be when I grow up and what am I gonna do while I'm waiting?

And that's just it, I have this feeling that I'm waiting, rather than doing the things now. "When will my life begin?" floats through my brain.

Well, my life began 31 years ago. I can't be waiting for something. So then there's now to look at. So what AM I doing? and who am I anyway? 

I am always having a battle with my thoughts and emotions, and I recently have been trying to notice them and not own them. The thoughts don't have to be invited in for tea. I get to decide which ones stay and which ones go. I am not my thoughts.

My emotions often get the better of me. I don't think of myself as ruled by my emotions, which has gotten the better of me, because I didn't see it coming. I think of myself as WAY intellectual. Not smart, just very intellect driven. But it turns out I have emotions too and they call a lot of the shots and that's not a good thing. I have been trying to keep them in check. But it turns out they can't be kept it check, only observed and noticed. I can't turn them off and I certainly mustn't let them control me so much. I am not my emotions.

So as I come to that realization I feel empty. If I am not my thoughts and my feelings then what am I? A hollow shell is how it feels. Haha, who cares how it feels?

I know, I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. I am my actions. But how do I decide what actions are worth taking?

Of course, of course, it all comes back to the Lord. His Word tells me what actions are worth taking. But I am no puppet. The Lord cannot work through me without my help.

It feels right that there should be this emptying out of self. I currently feel devoid of self and of life. I am not my anything. I am not. As much as this feeling really sucks, I know that it's necessary.

I am sure there are passages in the Heavenly Doctrine that speak about how we cringe at the idea of the Lord coming closer because we feel the loss of self, and yet the highest angels feel life as their own more than anyone else. I wish I could find the passage(s) I'm thinking about but this is another one of a slightly different ilk:

Who has any other feeling or perception than that when he thinks he thinks from himself, that when he wills he wills from himself, and that when he speaks and acts he speaks and acts from himself? But it is from a law of Divine Providence that man should not know otherwise, since without such feeling and perception, he could not receive, or appropriate any thing to himself, or produce any thing from himself, thus he would not be a recipient of life and an agent of life from the Lord. He would be like an automaton, or an image without understanding and will, standing with hands hanging down, in expectation of influx, which would not be imparted; for life, in consequence of non-reception and non-appropriation on man's part, would not be retained, but would pass through, whence man, from being alive, would become as it were dead, and from being a rational soul would become irrational, thus either a brute or a stock. For he would be without the delight of life, the delight which every one has from receiving, appropriating, and producing as if from himself; and yet delight and life act in unity, for take away all the delight of life, and you will become cold and die. (Apocalypse Explained 1138:4)

And they lived happily ever after.

No, this is not a bit of fiction. This is me thinking about my writing style. I like writing about happy things, but I also do enjoy writing difficult conversations and turmoil. Mostly because I like writing through an idea and trying to come to the other side of it myself. I am learning alongside the characters.

I will give my characters many angsty conversations. Conversations that I'm afraid sometimes stay in the angst for too long and don't have enough levels. But hey, I'm learning. I'm writing something, and I'm enjoying the process.

You know what I don't like writing? Really, desperately sad things! I've recently written a few fiction sketches and some of them are sad. Sad conversations, and in one, something terribly sad happens. As I was writing that particular piece I did not want the bad thing to happen. And I don't think I would have written it that way if I hadn't already written a later part of the same story that necessitated that sad bit in this sketch.

I can't write something bad happening to my characters unless I can see the happily ever after in their future. It probably has to do with wanting control. I have to know that my characters will be okay. So writing something sad is just a crappy thing to do. I don't want to do it, because I want life to be better than it is. One of my favorite lines in Silver Linings Playbook is "The world’s hard enough as it is, guys. Can’t somebody say, “Hey, let’s be positive? Let’s have a good ending to the story?”

And so when I write fiction I want the people to be happy. I can't just kill someone off or make something terrible happen to them. Unless I have an outline and know that later on the person will be okay. I know that's not life. I know that people have crappy things happen to them and they aren't okay.

Sometimes I look at my story, at my life, and I don't know that it will have a happy ending. I don't know the future and that is a scary thing, but I do know one thing, and that is that no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! Wait, no! Dang it, my love of quoting movies just snuck in there. But funnily enough that's from the movie Ever After. Which (spoiler alert!) has a happy ending, as the title might suggest.

I don't know the future. I can't know the future. I hate spoilers. I don't know that I really even want to know the future. But I do want to know that I will be okay. And because I have the power to grant that to my characters in the stories I write happy endings. Now you'll be surprised when you read some story I write and it's just miserable. I don't like to be predictable, so why am I telling you all my secrets?! Now I have to write something terrible!

Okay, but here's the main point. I think that everyone is guaranteed a happily ever after. Right? Is guaranteed the right word? Maybe not. But to anyone who enters the contract and puts in the work, the outcome is guaranteed.

So in that sense, yes, I feel entirely sure that if I keep following the path, and follow the Guide Book, then I will have a happily ever after. No matter what happens in the meantime. Because I believe in the Lord, and I am sure that He can bring good out of anything, and therefore my stories have to reflect that hope.

My Life Is Based On A True Story

Well, that would be how things happened. I've been kinda keeping an eye on my blog and noticing that I'm nearing my 100th post. But of course, somehow I managed to un-publish one. I don't even know how one does that! So apparently I'm not very blog savvy.

I had great plans that my 100th blog post would be something clever and epic, but it wasn't. It wasn't at all. It might have been one of the most bland things I wrote!

This post however represents the start of my next 100 blog posts!

I started a blog in July. It's been somewhat steady. This year the posts have been slower in coming because I also started a daily hand written journal and so a lot of my stuff just gets written there and I don't come on my blog as often as I used to. Maybe I will write up some of my handwritten ramblings some day.

I recently was looking at some magnets with twippy sayings on them and one jumped out at me: "My life is based on a true story."

Well, as if that isn't the most obvious thing in the world! But then, think about it! Life is for real. And depending on how you wanna think about it, you are writing your own story. Or maybe you prefer to think that the Lord is writing your story. He is of course, but maybe it's kind of a choose your own adventure? We are in freedom to take any path He offers us, or to stray completely from any path at all. We can turn to page 34 or 426, depending on what we choose, or we can forge out own path, burn the book, write a different ending.

But I'm pretty sure that no matter what we choose the Lord foresaw it. So He is writing our story. Or at least righting it. No matter what we choose He will do His best to turn our choices toward use and Him.

Maybe I'm rambling. I know that I am, but I'm just too excited to slow down and organize my thoughts.

I started a blog in July. I've written over 100 posts and I am grateful for the encouragement and feedback that I have received. I really do hope that my blog is inspirational to others and is useful to someone other than me, but I also know that it is useful to me whether others get it or not.

I love to write. I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I REALLY wish that I could find the story of Toodles and Cindle that I wrote when I was like 4 or something.

I have been writing.

When I was 12 I wrote some never-ending, excessively long story about some royal families and all the people falling in love. It was over 300 pages, typed, single-spaced. It was called "The Story" and it got too big to fit on one floppy disk so I had to split the file so that I could back it up. I have so many partial stories sitting in files on my computer waiting for something to happen.

Seriously the only story I ever finished (other than Toodles and Cindles when I was around 5) was a sorta Frog Prince parody called "The Invisible Prince".

I thought it was cute and okay but had some serious problems. This summer one of my friends read it aloud to me and another friend and that moment changed the way I view my writing. It was one of the scariest things to sit there, crimson-faced while my story was being read out loud! I still cringe a little thinking about it. But they were laughing and enjoying something I had written, and I had a little epiphany that maybe my writing was okay. Maybe people would actually enjoy reading stuff I write!

So, through these friends I developed the courage to at least start a blog. It took me a few more months to start sharing posts on facebook and actually letting people read it! But it has been a great outlet for me.

I love a lot of things, but I didn't realize that I could actually be good at any of them. Painting took me completely my surprise! I'm no da Vinci... yet. But I found that I could never become a good writer or a great painter without trying. Practice is necessary, frustrating, and fun.

I enjoy painting, even when the end result looks like a 2 year old painted it. I enjoy writing, even if I misuse "it's".

I enjoy it, so I do it, and I progress.

My life is based on a true story. It's the story that I make it to be. I get to choose my own adventure. And by golly, I'm gonna choose it!

The Living Word

When I read the Word, often my eyes will scan the page and my brain will comprehend nothing. But I do it because I know that my heart is picking up things, and I am forming a habit even if I don't hear what I am reading.

I think it would be powerful to have things jumping out at me every time I open the Word, but that's just not always the case. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my state at the time of reading. Sometimes my eyes are reading along and I alight on a familiar verse and my brain stirs and I am paying attention. Sometimes only for that verse. It's interesting because reading through, it's like the words are highlighted (I never highlight or mark up my devotional copy of the Word).

But it is interesting that the same verse can pop up time after time and just get more engrained in my brain. I have zero objections to this. Verses from the Word being engrained in my brain is a wonderful thing. But I do feel bad for the neglected verses. I want to be better at paying attention to the words I am reading.

Sometimes an entire story is familiar and I am reading along looking for those loved verses, waiting for them to hit my heart and inspire me once again.

Sometimes just the act of opening the Word and reading inspires tears, whether I am understanding or paying attention or not.

But today, I was reading a familiar and well loved story, looking for those passages that strike my heart, when a different passage jumped out at me and I stopped. I stopped to read it again, to wonder at it's significance this morning.

"And the man marveling at her was silent, to know whether Jehovah had prospered his way or not." Genesis 24:21

Maybe the significance of this verse is obvious to you at once. And maybe there doesn't seem to be anything particularly special about it. And that is the beauty of the Word. It is a Living Thing, and people see different sides of it and it strikes different people at different times.

I didn't immediately recognize it as a heart stopping verse. It's not a particularly familiar one, like others in this chapter, or so many only two chapters earlier.

But it is significant to me now. Partly because it jumped out at me. I always love it when a verse jumps out at me and I am not immediately struck by why it did. It feels like a calling. The Lord is calling out to me with a verse. But when I am reading and see a verse that applies to my current state and I immediately see it's significance it feels like I am seeing the Lord.

Let me reiterate that more clearly:

When I am reading and pick out a verse because I see its implications I feel like I am seeing the Lord.

When I am reading and a verse jumps out at me it feels like the Lord is seeing me. He is gently nudging me in a direction by bringing a verse to my attention.

So back to the verse: "And the man marveling at her was silent, to know whether Jehovah had prospered his way or not." 

Again, maybe this is obvious, but it's calling to me is one of peace. When I am wondering whether or not Jehovah has prospered my way, I often feel anxiety. When will I know whether or not this is the Lord's will? What am I supposed to be doing here? What does the Lord want me to do?!

"And the man marveling at her was silent."

Patience, Alison. Just wait. Marvel in Jehovah's workings in your life. He is working, for sure. Be calm. Be silent. Wait for the salvation of Jehovah. Be still.

Life keeps getting better

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Meaning, sometimes I don't like to talk about things for fear of jinxing them.

But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.

But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.

Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.

Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?

Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.

Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.

I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.

I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.

And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.

I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.

This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.

I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.

I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.

Reflections on painting

Sometimes I tell myself to wait. Like today, I wanted to make some reflections about painting. I'm two paintings away from being done my month long commitment to paint. I should wait for two more days to reflect on this. But I should never stop myself from writing on the rare occasions when I feel inspired to write before I even begin.

So I'm reflecting on painting, two days before the end.

I just went through my album and looked at each of my paintings. Some I didn't want to look at for very long, and others I lingered on for a few moments before clicking to the next. And you know what? I like my paintings. And I can see improvement. When I take the time to paint something, it turns out well!

I was worried that switching back to watercolors after 24 days of oils would be a challenge, but challenges are good. My watercolors are fine, and I miss oils, but even over 4 days of watercolors I am improving that skill again! I painted watercolors every day two years ago, and very sporadically since. I have only done 4 watercolors this September. The first two are okay, but I really like the most recent two. There are always things I could improve, but that's a dumb thing to observe. I'm gonna focus on the fun techniques and skills I'm learning and just linger on the good feelings of actually being good at something!

Yesterday's watercolor!

You know Ron Weasley? You know how when he looks in the Mirror of Erised he sees himself as Quidditch captain and head boy? He's only an 11 year old boy longing for some recognition. He feels overshadowed by his 5 older brothers.

I hate to say that I feel overshadowed by my siblings because I love them and never felt a lack of love or recognition because there were many of us. If anything, I got more love from having such a large family.

Ron definitely loves his family too and there's no lack in the Weasley household, but he does long for something of his own, and then of course (spoiler alert) he goes on to help save the wizarding world from the evilest wizard ever. I think he succeeded in doing something original.

Where was I going with this? Ah, yes. I still strive for some sort of originality, something that makes me unique from others. I already wrote a blog post about wanting to be unique in my writing and realizing that I only need to tell the truth to write well. Is it the same for painting? Do I tell truths with my paint brush?

I don't know. A thought just struck me so I'm gonna write it and see if it rings true: Write truths, paint loves. I dunno, you clearly need truth and love to write and love and truth to paint. So whatever. It was just a thought.

I don't need to stand out to be worth something. I don't need to save the wizarding world or even my world. I just need to keep moving along, writing the best that I can, painting the best that I can, and being okay on the days when my writing sucks and my paintings aren't working. I'm still good at these things, even when I'm bad at them.

Welcoming the Unexpected.

A man just biked past me on the trail. Our eyes only met for a split second. But on that brief smile there was something of warmth.

I don't know what he was thinking, but I can make something up.

The smile said "How lovely to see you here on this trail!" His smile held surprise, or some hint that he didn't expect me. Not that he knows me, but that he knows the trail. It was the look of someone on a normal path seeing something out of place, but not unwelcome.

He was expecting other cyclists, or joggers. He wasn't expecting to see a girl who woke up this morning to fall chill and put on cozy fall attire just to go for a walk.

I don't know what this man thought. It wasn't a double take or any such thing, just a smile that lasted the blink of an eye, but left a warmth with me for the kindness I saw.