Under The Bridge Where I Used To Sit

Under the bridge where I used to sit,

It flowed so loudly, and now I hear its quietness.

I hear the same familiar sounds, but there are new ones too.

I hear the quiet whispers of gentler waters.

Was it always this quiet, but I just couldn't hear it?

I am listening now.



I took a few moments to try to write rhymes

But the words want to flow like the waters beside me.

There is structure in a creek, but sometimes it cuts a wider path,

Never minding if it’s doing things right.

I want to mind. I want to get things right.

But I also want to be the water that is so full it can’t be contained by a mere creek bed.



Under the bridge where I used to sit.

There is so much more for me than the mud under my feet.

The creek has more than the mud it glides over.

I am full of that life, but only if I choose it.

Instead I sit in my troubles, unable to hear.

I am listening now.



I am reminded of a song,

but the waters weren’t the ones who were troubled,

I was.

I was on the bridge looking down at calm waters.

But I could not hear them over the pounding of my heart.

Now I am still. I am closer.



Under the bridge where I used to sit

I hear the quietest sounds of the water as well as the loud.

Who knew a creek of barely a few feet could hold so much depth?

The water is truth, cutting its way, raging - now flowing gently.

I am listening now. I am listening.

Speak Lord.

Entitlement to Neediness

When things are busy and lots is going on I don't write so much. That might make sense. Yeah, maybe I don't have as much time for writing, but that's not really the case. I mean, it is true that less time means it's harder to fit it in, but the real reason I don't write is because I don't have enough brain processing power right now. Like, I'm stressed about so many things that I can't tell if some small thing is actually stressful or if I'm making a bigger deal out of something so small because I'm stressed. It's just not a useful time to analyze my life.

But here I go anyway....

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being a jerk or just standing up for myself. There's obviously better and worse ways to handle a situation. Kinder and meaner ways.

But I can't always tell if my reaction to something is founded or if I'm taking out my stress on someone else.

For example, sometimes I want people to give me their attention, and I don't know if I'm just being needy. Because I need them to meet me where I'm at. Like when I am stressed out and need someone to listen. Do I have a right to make a friend listen? "Make a friend listen" might seem like too strong of a statement. A real friend will listen. But always? How often do they have to listen to me, or are they allowed to have their own life and not have time for me? Are they allowed to be in a jocular mood or preoccupied with something else?

See?! This is what I mean when I say that now is not the time to analyze. I know, in my rational brain, that of course other people have lives and sometimes they are willing to listen and sometimes I listen to them and friendships are reciprocal.

It's just so much easier to feel like I have a right to talk and be heard when I am stressed out. But being stressed out does not give me some entitlement to neediness.

But sometimes I just need to unwind and it would be nice if I could come home to a cozy fire and a mug of hot chocolate and have someone say "How was your day, honey?"

Listening Heart

Doing things is overwhelming.

You know that feeling when you have so many things going on that you're sure you'll forget something?

I felt that way last night. Like something was about to be forgotten but I didn't know what. I usually write stuff down so that I don't forget things. But what if I forget to write stuff down?!

Luckily I didn't lie awake fretting. I was able to sleep last night, and this morning I got a bunch of things done. Okay, maybe like two things done, but even just accomplishing one thing made life feel much more manageable.

One thing got done, and suddenly my brain was like "It's all good!"

It also helps that today is gross and rainy. Haha. Like for real, today is cozy and amazing.

There is a crackling fire behind me and someone bought me pizza and listened to me.

I don't think I really understood the value of listening until this summer/fall. I mean, I always knew it was important. So maybe I didn't really understand what listening was until someone actually listened to me.

If you don't know what listening is I'm not sure that I can explain it, because I really thought I understood it before now, but now I'm not so sure.

I guess there is a listening where someone's eyes glaze over, or they say something like "When you are talking I have to think about other things or I'll fall asleep." But there is also a listening where you can see affection in the other person's eyes, and concern and care, and you know that they are listening not just with their ears but with their eyes and heart.

It is a gift to be heard.

I sat and ate pizza on a rainy day and someone listened to me and cared. And the world feels brighter.