Quarantine

I assume you all know what this word means, but because I like to begin blog posts with a dictionary definition, I'll give you one:

Quarantine: a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.

Yep yep. If you've been exposed to an infectious disease you spend some time in isolation. At this point we're assuming we all have been exposed so we're all isolating. But look at the word again: Quarantine.

What does the word mean? Where does it come from? Well, it's an Italian word and it literally means forty days.

We all know that a quarantine can last more or less time than that, but I think it's interesting that the word literally means 40 days.

And I don't know about you, but when I hear 40 days my mind jumps immediately to the Lord's time in the wilderness.

That by "forty days and nights" is signified the duration of temptation, is plainly evident from the Word of the Lord. That "forty" signifies the duration of temptation, comes from the fact that the Lord suffered Himself to be tempted for forty days (as is stated in Matthew 4:1, 2; Luke 4:2; Mark 1:13). (Arcana Coelestia 730)

The new testament doesn't actually tell us that much about the Lord's time in the wilderness, other than the few verses about the devil tempting him, but we know much more about the Lord's trials throughout the whole old testament.

That while He was in the world the Lord endured such temptations, is only briefly described in the Gospels, but at great length in the prophets, and especially in the Psalms of David. In the Gospels it is only said that He was led into the wilderness, and was afterward tempted by the devil, and that He was there forty days, and was with the beasts (Mark 1:12, 13; Matt. 4:1)

And of course there are other times the Word mentions 40 days or even years! Here are just a few:

Moses was upon Mount Sinai forty days and forty nights, during which he ate no bread and drank no water (Exod. 24:18; 34:28; Deut. 9:9, 11, 18, 25).

Jehovah bare them in the wilderness as a man beareth his son, in the way, even unto this place (Deut. 1:31).

Jehovah hath known thy walking through the great wilderness these forty years, Jehovah thy God hath been with thee that thou lackedst nothing (Deut. 2:7).

And thou shalt remember all of the way in which Jehovah thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, in order to afflict thee, and to tempt thee, to know what was in thy heart, whether thou wouldest keep His commandments, or not. And He afflicted thee, and caused thee to hunger, and caused thee to eat the manna, which thou knewest not, and thy fathers knew not; so that He might make thee to know that | man does not live on bread alone, but on all that goes out of the mouth of Jehovah does man live. (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)

 He fed thee with manna; to afflict thee, to tempt thee, and to do thee good at the last (Deut. 8:16).

It's rough for sure, but there is beauty in it. You gotta admit that the Lord's got this. At times it doesn't feel like it, but He's dealt with this before. He's dealt with everything before. We're wandering in the wilderness, but He will bring us out of it, as He does time and time again.

And God led the people about, by the way of the wilderness. That this signifies that under the Divine auspices they were brought to confirm the truths and goods of faith through temptations, is evident from the signification of "God led," as being Providence (AC 8098)

I'd also like to point out that a lot of these instances mention fasting. I don't think we need to give up food, but the infrequent grocery store trips, and un-stocked shelves can lead to shortages, and I think we can take those times as a kind of fasting, rather than being frustrated by the lack.

I think we all gave up a lot more than we intended to for Lent this year. But we can use that to our advantage. Make it a choice rather than being victimized by our circumstances. I know it's hard. But I also know that we can get through this, especially together, and most importantly because the Lord is on our side.

Continual victory is signified by its being said that after the temptations, "angels came and ministered unto Him" (Matt. 4:11; Mark 1:13).

The Lord from His earliest childhood up to the last hour of His life in the world, was assaulted by all the hells, against which He continually fought, and subjugated and overcame them, and this solely from love toward the whole human race. (AC 1690:3)

The Affirmative Principle

Does the Word have some sort of expiration date I didn't know about? A best used by but maybe could still be okay for a little bit after just not as good? Like food, does it become unhealthy to consume after a certain point?

Why would the Lord write something that would go out of date? After the Lord's first coming the old testament did not expire. 

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill. Matthew 5:17

Even after the Lord's second coming, the old and new testaments are not to be thrown out or disregarded. The Lord's Word is never going to be unhealthy. If we are allergic to it that is not because there is something wrong with it that needs to be changed. We can't substitute gluten free doctrine just so we don't react poorly to it. Of course we have sensitivities to the Word! It is not going to sit right with us, because we are not right!

And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. Revelation 10:9

The only way to approach the Word is to assume that the Lord is telling us the truth. That He is not misleading us or gave us some kind of Where's Waldo where we have to look through it for something we recognize.

There are therefore two principles; one of which leads to all folly and insanity, and the other to all intelligence and wisdom. The former principle is to deny all things, or to say in the heart that we cannot believe them until we are convinced by what we can apprehend, or perceive by the senses; this is the principle that leads to all folly and insanity, and is to be called the negative principle. The other principle is to affirm the things which are of doctrine from the Word, or to think and believe within ourselves that they are true because the Lord has said them: this is the principle that leads to all intelligence and wisdom, and is to be called the affirmative principle. Arcana Coelestia 2568:4

I'm not saying that understanding the Word is easy. But it's easier if you assume that is is right. The hardest thing we have to do in life is make decisions. Decisions are really hard, man! My last blog post was about how marriage is the opposite of dating. One of the things that makes marriage SO much better than dating is it's one less decision to make. With dating you have to figure out a HUGE decision: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this human? With marriage the answer is always yes. You have already made the hardest decision. But it's made. All you have to do now is make a million more decisions, but that one is set in stone.

The same goes for reading the Word. If you constantly have to be wondering if the Lord actually means what He says then it's exhausting hard work. Just assume that He knows what He's doing. AND He knew what He was doing a couple thousand years ago when He told people to write down His Word. Our problems aren't new. He even knew about every single thing we're facing in 2018, and He wrote about it a long time ago. And it's still active and living today. There is no expiration date on the Truth.

Stop dating the Word. Be committed to it. It makes life so much easier if you do.

A Way Back To Life

In the darkness I gasp for breath. It's always about breathing. So interconnected are the heart and lungs that one cannot feel without the other. There is a slow and inconsistent fluttering in my chest. It is a bird in a tiny cage, trying to stretch, but it keeps flapping its wings in too small a space. Hitting the walls of my heart and bruising them. And then it rests, saving up strength to flutter again.

The fluttering is so gentle. How can it bruise so deeply?

The bird tries again. This time it is hitting its head against the wall. Desperate to be free!

"Stop!" I beg. I try to explain that the more it fights the more it hurts. The smaller the space will feel.

One breath. But it's too tight. I can feel the air as it fights its way free.

"Stop fighting me!" I cry. "I know. I can feel your suffering. You are part of me."

Quiet. Feel that. Patience. Rest.

But the beating grows faster and there is a ripping as the breath disrupts the bird in its cage and it panics, a whirring of wings and talons. And again I am running, trying to escape my heart and lungs as they overwhelm me from within.

The running does nothing to calm the wild bird or bring new air to my lungs. There is no running from the pain. But neither can I look the aching little bird in the eyes. There is no explaining. Will it ever understand?

Peace. Be still.

It always comes back to the need for rest.

Be calm.

But you cannot calm the storm. The winds and waves consume. There is no calm.

Go back. Go back! Move forward. Run. Flee! The emotions storm and pull. Everything is moving every which way at once and there is no peace. Wind beats against me. Salty waves crash over me, wearing me down. I cannot get free of these waves, and I am battered again and again and then I hit something solid and instead of pain it is something to grasp and I cling to it and clamor desperately for strength, for freedom, for light. A rock among the waves and the moment my head breaks the surface I can feel warmth. A wave crashes again and I am battered down below, but I felt the warmth. It is there if I can only stay afloat. And instead of fighting for the surface I let go and I can feel the strength of the rock and I climb on high. Once I am resting above the waves I can feel the full warmth of the sun drying me, warming me. Saving me.

"Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of Jehovah, which He will do for you today." (Exodus 14:13)

Under The Bridge Where I Used To Sit

Under the bridge where I used to sit,

It flowed so loudly, and now I hear its quietness.

I hear the same familiar sounds, but there are new ones too.

I hear the quiet whispers of gentler waters.

Was it always this quiet, but I just couldn't hear it?

I am listening now.



I took a few moments to try to write rhymes

But the words want to flow like the waters beside me.

There is structure in a creek, but sometimes it cuts a wider path,

Never minding if it’s doing things right.

I want to mind. I want to get things right.

But I also want to be the water that is so full it can’t be contained by a mere creek bed.



Under the bridge where I used to sit.

There is so much more for me than the mud under my feet.

The creek has more than the mud it glides over.

I am full of that life, but only if I choose it.

Instead I sit in my troubles, unable to hear.

I am listening now.



I am reminded of a song,

but the waters weren’t the ones who were troubled,

I was.

I was on the bridge looking down at calm waters.

But I could not hear them over the pounding of my heart.

Now I am still. I am closer.



Under the bridge where I used to sit

I hear the quietest sounds of the water as well as the loud.

Who knew a creek of barely a few feet could hold so much depth?

The water is truth, cutting its way, raging - now flowing gently.

I am listening now. I am listening.

Speak Lord.

He is Capable

Sometimes I feel like if I left go of something that I will be letting go of the Lord’s plan. But that’s not true. The Lord can and will work through my stupidity. I’m not advocating for stupidity. It’s never a good idea to launch into something thinking “Whatever. The Lord will save me from my stupidity.” I’m talking about trying to follow the Lord. I want to hear Him but I don’t know what He wants. So if I am trying to follow Him I can let go of a lot of things and if any of those things are in His plans He will bring them back to me or me back to them. If I am trying to follow Him I am not in danger of throwing away some big plan He has for me. If I am trying to follow Him He will lead me, even if I don’t see His providence working, it is. He is capable. If I am trying to hear Him then He will lead me.

"People in the stream of providence are being carried along constantly towards happier things, whatever appearance the means may present. Those in the stream of providence are people who trust in the Divine and ascribe everything to Him." Arcana Coelestia 8478:4

Does God favor the believers?

If God loves everyone, why does He provide more for some and less for others? What is the determining factor in who gets what?

If He wishes for everyone's salvation and happiness why doesn't He save everyone? Well, as I've said in previous posts, perhaps He cares more for our freedom. So does that mean that it is our free choices that determine our salvation?

Is belief all it takes? If we say we believe, if we truly believe, then are we saved?

Does God love some more than others? Does He love the believers more than the non-believers or is He constantly working on every single one of us to bring us closer to Him?

If then He is constantly working on us, what is the determining factor in who is saved and who isn't? It's not God. He would save every single one of us if He could. It is we ourselves then who are responsible for receiving the salvation He is offering us. The question then is how do we receive the salvation that He is constantly offering every single one of us?

I really liked this article (ERT 10 minutes). Outlining how a gift can be free and you still have to do something about it. If someone offers you a gift you still have to reach out your hands to receive it. You still have to unwrap it and use it.

Next question: Is salvation active or passive? Is it a gift that you use or a gift that once you have it just sits there like a pretty painting on your wall? Enriching your life, just because it's sitting in your house? Don't get me wrong, I love paintings and have several in my room that I love. But is that what salvation is?

I just had a thought, bear with me.

You know in Harry Potter? In the book (or movie) the Philosopher's Stone? Hermione reads out of this gigantic book that the stone "produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal" and then explains to Ron that that means you'll never die. But later on when (spoiler alert) Dumbledore destroys the stone Harry asks if that means that Flamel and his wife will die. Dumbledore says that they will indeed, but: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them."

Humans do have a knack for choosing what is worst. True statement!

But back to my main point, which was really inspired by this quote: "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life" John 4:14.

Is the Lord telling us that one drink will give us eternal life, or are we supposed to keep drinking the water of life?

Are we supposed to keep accepting God's gift of salvation every day?

Look Up!

The redness is back. It's dark this time. Not the bright throbbing glow that drew me last time. It's a deep beautiful red. Is it even the same?

The redness is back and it's pulling me again.

I flinch when I see it. It hurt so much last time. It hurt when I drew near and it hurt as I pulled away from it. Is it even the same red?

The fiery glow that pulled me in last time nearly hurt my eyes it was so vibrant with life. This redness is deep and soothing. I'm not sure if it should be described as vibrant or not. It's full. I must describe it as full.

I see it now. There is a golden glow beyond the red. Mingling in a flash of light.

There is a pain in my chest as I look at the redness. Is the pain a memory or a real feeling? It hurt so much last time! My throat begins to feel sore with the memory.

"Stop." I say to myself. I turn away from the red, but it is all around me. There is no turning from it. I look down and my feet are bathed in the darkness. I look up and rather than feeling trapped I feel close and safe as I see the wide expanse above me. Suddenly there is a dark, deep blue with a myriad of stars.

This tightness, and yet this broad expanse. I should feel nervous. I should feel scared, but the tightness in my chest begins to release. I am surrounded all around by a dark, warm red and above there is so much deepness and light.

Hands slightly open, I begin to turn slowly on the spot looking up at the stars. Is there a familiar constellation in the heavens or are these not my stars? There are so many more than on an average night that it is filling in the expanse. I cannot tell if I should know this place or not.

But I do. Something about it is familiar. No, not familiar. I've never seen this before, but I recognize it. There is something about this that feels safe. I am at home here. Overwhelmed, I fall back but instead of thudding to the ground I fall gradually. The transition from standing to lying is one I hardly noticed.

But suddenly I feel cold. The pain should come, should it not? It hurt so much last time. I was sure that I would shatter.

Instead of enjoying my surroundings I was suddenly shivering in fear. Fear of something that might not happen. Indeed, there was a pleasantness in my chest that seemed to be saying "Do not be afraid." But I was sure that the pain would return and I did not trust the feeling. I curled myself up, looking away from the stars. But folded up, with my face pressed into the ground the red still reached through my eyelids, insistent through my avoidance.

There was no pain, only fear. But the fear began to manifest as pain. My eyelids began to hurt. My stomach knotted with worry and my heart started beating too fast.

"Please stop!" I gasped, pushing on the pain in my chest.

"You are creating the pain." I don't know where the voice came from. I knew it was true, but I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to slow my heart beat just by thinking about it. But thinking about it scared me. I felt so cold and though I tried to stop myself from shivering I could feel my teeth chattering.

Slowly I again became aware of how warm and inviting my surroundings were. But I was still afraid.

"Look up." The voice said.

I was afraid. But how much had it hurt last time? Last time. Everything hurt more than words last time. But then there was peace. I knew that. I knew it then and I knew it now, but trust hurt before the initial plunge.

"Get it over with," I told myself. "You're hurting yourself now. You, and you alone are causing this torment. Look up."

"Look up," the voice that was mine repeated.

But as easy as it would have been to turn my head I couldn't. Resolutely I looked inward. Rolled as tightly as I could I was looking in at myself. Trying to protect my feelings. My heart, my lungs.

But I was causing the tightness. I was causing the pain.

"Look up."

In one violent wrench I tore myself out and looked upward. Light was streaming from the sky. The redness around me and the blue above were mingling together in strong waves. Water poured from my eyes as I beheld the striations of light and color. The beads of wet on my eyelashes added another dimension to the light and colors, refracted in my tears.

But I was safe. Again. Just as I had known I would be. I looked about at the mingling colors and down at the purple and white reflecting off my skin and I laughed.

It was relief. I was safe. I had always been safe. I had caused the feelings of fear and anxiety, but the safety had been around me perpetually. I was safe. I had always been safe.

Great Goodness.

This week has been full of great goodness. On Monday I got to catch up with a friend who always brings me out of myself. Without judgement she challenges my perspective and invites me to think from another point of view, while still accepting and cherishing my reality. It had been too long since we had connected and it was a wonderful thing that has been filling my heart.

On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!

Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.

I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.

You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.

Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.

The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.

This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.

Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!

There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.

Life keeps getting better

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Meaning, sometimes I don't like to talk about things for fear of jinxing them.

But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.

But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.

Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.

Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?

Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.

Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.

I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.

I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.

And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.

I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.

This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.

I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.

I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.

What the blazes?

... right in the middle of a sentence.

I think I like to fight the cliche of beginning a story with "Once upon a time". So I don't know how else to start one except for abruptly.


Wind and sun. Dry heat. I wandered across the bright meadows. It was lovely and unencumbered. Some kind of white flowers dotted the golden field, but my eyes hardly took it in. I followed on toward the redness blazing ahead of me.

It was growing. Or was it shrinking? Frightened, following my impulse, I started running toward it. It wasn't growing. I was just getting closer to it. It was shrinking, but the rate at which I approached it meant that the size didn't change. It gave the illusion that I was running on a treadmill. It seemed too much like I wasn't moving and all of the sudden I became dizzy and had to drop to the ground, breathing heavily. I looked up at the brightness and could now see that it was shrinking away. In a panic I began running again. I couldn't lose it. I had to make it there in time, even though I didn't know what I was running for. I sprinted, gasping for breath as it pulled away from me. I felt the glow of the redness on my skin. I looked down and instead of seeing the expected red, the light reflected as blue on my skin. It was surreal, but I couldn't register the meaning. I had to reach it before it was completely gone.

I reached out my hand. It was just--

"Stop. Don't do it."

I withdrew my hand guiltily. Who had said that? I looked around. About fifteen yards away there was a man. I didn't know his face, but I trusted him. I trusted him, but I still wanted to know why I shouldn't reach for the redness.

"Why not?" I asked.

At this point the redness was not changing in size, but growing in intensity. It made me long to reach for it, but I refrained, waiting for an answer.

"Because you're not supposed to." He wasn't yelling, but it was like his voice was fighting against a strong wind. "Don't reach for it," he warned again.

"But..." I began. Torn between trust and longing. "But... but I want to!" And the intensity of the redness was creating a storm. I felt pulled toward it and at the same time pushed away. It was as if the unknown man and I were pushing toward a wall of wind and shouting to each other to be heard, and yet we weren't shouting and his voice sounded close, and safe, and I believed him.

"Trust me," he said. And he reached his hand toward me. And I felt intense fear and loneliness. I turned toward the red glow. I could feel the warmth. I took a step.

"Please!" he said, and his hand was a gift in the brightness.

"I can't." I apologized. And I took another step toward the glow. And I began to cry.

Maybe he was right. I stopped. I looked at the hand. The kindness he was offering. The love. I thought I should try. One step toward him. And there was gut wrenching pain and I was crippled. I fell to the ground.

It was a sign. I knew that I should have kept toward the glow. My face turned back toward it. The pain receded a little. I crawled a little bit toward the intensifying red.

"Trust me," the man said again. My eyes were burning with tears. I could feel the drips falling whichever way they chose. One hitting the corner of my mouth, one rolling toward my ear, leaving salty trails on my skin. I didn't even want to turn toward the man. It hurt too much.

"I'm going to crawl into the light," I said. Mostly to myself. I didn't care if he heard.

"Trust me," he said a third time. I chanced a look. Such warmth, but my head split.

"Okay," I whispered. And it tore my throat to say it. I reached out my hand and as I did I could feel the ripping in my chest and I wanted to withdraw, but as soon as my hand touched his it was firmly in his grasp and he pulled me away from the glow. I was being pulled toward safety and to him.

It is not good that man should be alone

The Lord God, Creator of the universe, designed it such that people are supposed to be teamed up to take on the world together.

People are not meant to be alone. Men are not meant to be alone and women are not meant to be alone. The Lord intends for everyone to find a teammate along the way. 

"For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave until his wife and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

So why are some people alone? Freedom is the obvious answer. If the Lord wanted it to be so, He could just make it so that every person found their partner and lived happily ever after. But He values our freedom above our happiness and even our salvation. He allows us to make choices so that we can choose Him in freedom, and choose each other in freedom.

Now that isn't to say that the single people of the world have freely chosen this path. Some have chosen to be single, sure. But that's not why I'm single. And I'm sure there are a lot of other people who would choose to be married if they could.

So what went wrong? Why are there people who want marriage and are not married? Something went wrong, right? I don't like to think of single people as lesser people. The Lord loves everyone. Single people aren't entitled to less of His love, but do they perhaps feel it less? And plain and simple are they as happy and fulfilled?

That the state of marriage is to be preferred is because this state exists from creation; because its origin is the marriage of good and truth; because its correspondence is with the marriage of the Lord and the Church; because the Church and conjugial love are constant companions; because its use is more excellent than the uses of all else in creation, for thence is the propagation of the human race according to order, and also of the angelic heaven, this being from the human race. Add to this, that marriage is the fullness of man; for by its means man becomes a complete man. (Conjugial Love 156)

Yep. Confirmed. Marriage is the best. So why do some people not get to be part of that? And to be entirely blunt, why do some people not get to be complete?

Later in CL 156:

That from creation there was implanted in man and woman an inclination to conjunction as into a one, and also the faculty thereof, and that these are in man and woman still, is evident from the Book of Creation and at the same time from the Lord's words. In the Book of Creation, which is called Genesis, we read:

Jehovah God built the rib which He had taken from man into a woman, and brought her to the man. And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; her name shall be called Ishah [woman], because she was taken out of Ish, man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Gen. II. 22-4. 

[2] From these passages it is evident that woman was created out of man, and that there is in both an inclination and a faculty of reuniting themselves into a one. That the reunion is into one man is also evident from the Book of Creation where both together are called Man; for we read, In the day that God created man, male and female created He them, and called their name Man. It is said here, He called their name Adam, but in the Hebrew language, Adam and Man are the same word.

So, it's clear to me that the ideal state is the married state. And if it's ideal, it's what the Lord hopes for for all of us. And yet He will not take away our freedom and just grant us that marriage. So I circle back around: Why do some people who are following the Lord and His Word get to be married and other people do not?

I think to some degree we do put marriage on too high a pedestal. Someone created a lot of external trappings that distract from real marriage and the purpose of weddings and marriage. The bride is important, the groom is important, the friends, the ceremony and the party are important. The Lord is essential, and everything else is not important. But this is a rant I should probably not go into now.

Marriage is special. Marriage is ideal, and just because some of the ideas surrounding it have been completely misused and abused does not negate the importance and use of marriage. And I think that's one of the reasons I care so much about marriage, and being married myself: I want to reclaim marriage and use it for what it's for and to build and create something that is so valuable to the Lord.

And part of me knows that I can work on my marriage and serve marriages in this world without myself being married to another person, but it seems like much harder work. And I know that marriage is hard work too, but there's a reason the Lord planned us to have partners, so no matter how many times people tell me of ways that I too can be working toward marriage and supporting marriage it doesn't seem like a real and whole thing to do with my life.

I love supporting marriages, and supporting my single friends in their hopes for future marriages. I love taking care of children and spending time with families and doing as much as I can to love and care for marriage. It's a start, but it only feels like a start. And starting out is often the hardest part. And a perpetual start can be exhausting.

"It is not good that man should be alone."

Past joys and future battles

Why can't things go back to the way they were? I think I say this often, and so do others. But the truth is that life will never be the same as it was.

It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies:

"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." Margaret Hale (North and South)

I probably think about this too much. We're not supposed to live in the past, and that's a good thing. We're supposed to keep moving forward.

We're not supposed to live in the past, but we're not supposed to live in the future either. And it should be easier to take one day at a time so why must I invest so much in trying to fight all the battles at once?

I think it's because I want to make my life easier. So I try to do things now that will limit the hurt and fear in the future... by taking it on now... but I will always have a future that I want to make brighter so if I am always trying to make the future better my life will always be too busy to enjoy. I think we all know this and it's an oft repeated idea, and yet I know that I constantly need the reminder that there's plenty to worry about now without borrowing from the future. A friend recently shared this with me, and I laughed and then cried.

I really just have one battle but it affects all of my life. And, for better or for worse, I refuse to put it back.

Are all feelings valid?

Are all feelings valid? I've seen a few articles recently about letting kids feel the feels. And some people have said that they don't think it IS valid for kids to be allowed to express all their emotions. But I think it depends on some definitions.

What does "express" mean?

Express - convey (a thought or feeling) in words or by gestures and conduct.

I guess I believe in freedom of speech, but I also believe in consequences. I don't think children OR adults should just be allowed to scream anything.

So, I guess I'd say that humans should be allowed to FEEL the feelings, but not necessarily allowed to express them. Some gestures, conduct or words are just not appropriate. I think everyone realizes that.

When I think about things that I feel, I KNOW that they're crazy, or even wrong. And that can make it so much worse that I feel them. So I would like people to acknowledge my feelings but not to validate them. Some feelings are not valid, but that doesn't mean I don't feel them.

A very basic example is when I get cold. I remember as a kid my brothers saying things like, "It's not cold. I'm not cold!" and I would look down at my arms covered in goosebumps and think to myself "Um, I didn't choose to feel cold. I'm not doing this on purpose, to annoy you. I cannot change the fact that I feel cold. I don't care what temperature it is, my body is shivering!" but I didn't usually say anything. I would just get angry because I couldn't express to them that I couldn't control my body temperature.

But what about emotions? Can we choose what emotions we feel? Do we have control over them? I'd say that we don't have control over the thoughts and feelings that come into our heads and hearts, but we can control what we do with them once they're there.

Someone once said, "You can't choose what thoughts enter your head, but you can control which ones you invite in for tea." The point being that you are not responsible for the thoughts that come in to your head. If you see someone and your thought is "I wanna kill that person," you don't have to make yourself guilty of that feelings you can immediately be like "Ugh! I don't want to think that!" and kick it out of your head. If you sit there thinking about all the ways to kill that person, then you're culpable. You are inviting the thought in for tea. Meditating on some evil.

So yeah, if someone says "I feel ___." The reaction should never be "No, you don't feel that way." That's not helpful and it's not true. You cannot know what another person is feeling. If they tell you how they are feeling you don't get to contradict them.

People often want to make someone feel better so if I were to say to a friend "I feel useless. I feel like I'm not lovable" and he responded in well-meaning kindness "No! You are very lovable and such a useful person" that might seem like a kind thing to say, but all he has done is invalidate my feelings.

I believe that the appropriate response is "I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. How can I help you?" He doesn't have to agree with me. He doesn't have to say that the feelings are valid, but he should acknowledge that I do in fact feel that way whether or not I should.

If a friend were to say to me "I don't feel love for my husband." I should not respond "Yes you do! Let me remind you why!" I should say "Oh man! I'm so sorry. That sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way! What can I do?" Of course I would want to help her remember why she loves her husband, but I think it's important to acknowledge what the other person is feeling before trying to make it better.

So, with adults you can acknowledge, but not affirm feelings, but can you do the same with children?

If a kid falls down and sees that an adults is watching they oftentimes will burst into tears because they want comfort. So I try not to react strongly to a kid falling down. I usually pick them up and cheerfully say something like "Oops! Are you okay?" Gasping nearly always results in the child wailing. Is that wrong? Is that distracting the kid from expressing their emotions? But if they really are okay, it's not really doing them a service to let them wail. And if they are truly upset or hurt (physically or emotionally) is it then okay to let them cry?

I think so, but sometimes if a kid is upset by something like spilled milk is crying really warranted? I  want to be able to tell my kids that that isn't worth crying over. And maybe if they need to cry that other people don't need to hear it. I guess people should be allowed to cry if they want to, but no one is obligated to feel sorry for them if they do.

Another thing I find myself wondering about is saying "It's okay" to a crying child or baby. I used to think that perhaps that wasn't a fair thing to tell them. "You're okay" "It's okay" sounds like it's brushing off their feelings and not letting them emote. But a few nights ago I was holding a crying baby and found myself rubbing her back and saying "It's okay to cry. It's okay." And realized that I wasn't trying to talk her out of crying, I was trying to reassure her that the crying was okay. "It's okay to feel sad."

Because sometimes you just feel sad, like you just feel cold. I can't change how I feel, but I can always choose what I do about it.

Looking toward the shore

There is nothing more lovely than sitting on the beach in the early morning, hearing nothing but the Lord’s wind and waves. I love that peace. I often sit with His Word. Sometimes just holding it for a while, feeling prayers before I open and read.

The beach is my favorite place to be alone. I just want to sit in the near perfect silence with only the roar of the waves, the morning birds and the breeze. I hear the Lord’s voice in the roaring of the waves and I picture looking out over the waves at my Human God, holding out His arms, welcoming me into His embrace.

There is nothing so perfect as that morning peace… unless it be holding a baby. Picking up a sad child and having her nestle into you arms in comfort, and immediately fill your arms and heart. That soft puddingy weight as they melt into your arms in trust.

I don’t like comparing myself to my Savior God, or putting myself in His place, and yet we are meant to emulate Him. And He compares Himself to a mother hen gathering in her chicks. He IS our Father. So wondering at the tiniest bit of what He must feel when we come to Him must not be too bad.

The open arms over the sea inviting me in. I long for that feeling of comfort that an innocent child feels when they melt into the safety of someone’s loving arms; the feeling in my heart when a baby’s head rests against it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that safety and that comfort and that sense of belonging; to feel completely safe with someone, to feel that deep feeling of peace.

I think the closest I come is when I am kneeling at the Holy Supper railing in the cathedral, very close to the open Word, tasting the bread and the wine, feeling the Lord’s hands on my head as I hear the words “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.” The words are whispered to me in a promise, and for that moment I feel the Lord’s love on my heart, and I believe in everything that He promises me. I feel safe, loved, wanted, needed. In short, I feel like a real human, created in the image and likeness of God.

I wish I felt that more often. I wish I could hold on to that feeling.

It’s unlovely and scary, but I guess the way for Holy Supper to feel lasting is to examine myself more, and remove the evils standing in my way. Repentance is the way to the Lord.

“The saying of God came to John the son of Zacharias in the wilderness. And he came into all the countryside of Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, as it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord; make His paths straight.” Luke 3:2-4

It is through repentance that we prepare the way for the Lord in our lives. I can approach Him, and feel close in the Holy Supper, but it won’t be a lasting feeling of living in Him unless I choose to actually live my life in Him, and that is only possible through repentance.

Self expression and fear

Turns out that I'm afraid of everything.

Music choices, clothing choices, hair choices, makeup choices, food choices, movie choices, writing choices, ALL choices. Why must I be so afraid of having an opinion?

But it's not even having an opinion that scares me. I used to have all the opinions in college. I would engage in Facebook debates. I would engage in discussions and arguments with people in college. I still like to toss opinions into a mix, usually they're detached opinions though.

The other day someone pointed out to me that though I have some strong opinions I don't hold on to them with my feelings. We were having a discussion about what is and is not working for us with the church as an organization. I have plenty of opinions, but I just sorta pull the pin, chuck a small grenade and don't have emotion attached to it. This is just my description of what this person was trying to express about what I had to offer. She was complimenting me, and I appreciated it.

But thinking on it now, I think that it's a defense mechanism. I have opinions, but if they're detached from my feelings then I don't have to care about if people reject or accept them. I just let them be. This can be a useful thing, but I think for me it is a wall I put up to protect myself from hurt.

I fear judgment. I guess? Is that it?

I have long been afraid of sharing a playlist. Why? I'm worried that people will not like the music I picked? Or worried that they will judge me by my musical tastes? I have mostly gotten over this fear.

For the most part I don't care if people like my clothes or not. I also got over this one a long time ago. I am fairly used to not caring what people think of my attire. Skirts are not always appreciated. I no longer care. That isn't to say that I'm not touched when people compliment me. I do appreciate that. And I'm hurt if people are unkind too. But the assumed negative judgments are gone. I don't know why I have these assumed negative judgments in the first place.

Why is there so much fear?!?

I am reflecting on a private journal entry I wrote in November 2014. Here are a few excerpts:

"You are being selfish." 

"You're taking the truth and twisting it till it becomes falsity." 

These are words that were spoken to me today. I think it may be the best relationship advice anyone has ever given to me.

And another:

I told a friend that I always want to hear someone elses opinion first, and he called me selfish. Because I'm forcing the other person to be vulnerable first. It IS selfish, and this is where the falsity comes in too. All falsities are linked to some truth, and what I'm doing is taking a truth (that manipulation is bad) and twisting it as an excuse to not really let my emotions engage. I can talk up a huge strom about things I care about, but showing that I care? That's vulnerable and scary, and it is NOT maniuplation. THAT is the falstity!

I can't actually tell at this moment if this makes sense out of context. But it's making sense to me so I'm leaving it in. The point is that I am afraid. And my fear is making me selfish. Am afraid of being vulnerable so I let someone else be vulnerable (even on a minuscule level) and then I shut them down.

An easy, and entirely stupid example is anytime we go to choose a movie. Do I have an opinion? Almost for sure, but I don't often share it because I'd rather get my second choice than deprive someone of their first. Does that make sense? See, it makes sense to me, and it seems noble. And that's where hell comes in. Swooping in, using a true idea and twisting it into something false.

This is why it's stupid, because I let the hells disturb even the simplest of tasks. Choosing a movie should not be a battle between heaven and hell. Or should it? Is everything? No, see, this is the thing: it's taking a small idea and blowing it out of proportion. But sometimes we must magnify the issue in order to see it for what it is. In this instance I can laugh and realize that declaring a decided movie preference is not going to make or break any friendships. And if it were to... those wouldn't be friendships worth keeping if a simple movie choice could bring it down.

See? See how insane my mind is? It's even terrifying letting anyone into this little piece of it. Because it seems so insane when I write an entire journal entry about it. Fear is crushing! So so crushing. So I hide away in a ridiculous little hole and let hell make me feel smaller and smaller until I am nothing. And in being so crushed I become paralyzed by fear and I have to remember to let the Lord flow through me. It is not I who need be afraid. Be still my soul, the Lord is on my side. It is hell that need fear the wrath that I am unleashing. Fear no more! I shall conquer!

One step at a time. Wonderful friends are encouraging me. I created a blog. These posts are public! That's one step. Sharing this post to Facebook? Alerting all the people to it? That is a step I shall one day be able to make, but for now, writing this at all is a step. One step at a time.

To quote a lyric from my dear friend's song:

One drop at a time with patience, trust, and hope
Let the water of life build my strength again

Working on it. One step at a time. Why is it so hard to trust the Lord's own words?

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." Matthew 5:16