Under The Bridge Where I Used To Sit

Under the bridge where I used to sit,

It flowed so loudly, and now I hear its quietness.

I hear the same familiar sounds, but there are new ones too.

I hear the quiet whispers of gentler waters.

Was it always this quiet, but I just couldn't hear it?

I am listening now.



I took a few moments to try to write rhymes

But the words want to flow like the waters beside me.

There is structure in a creek, but sometimes it cuts a wider path,

Never minding if it’s doing things right.

I want to mind. I want to get things right.

But I also want to be the water that is so full it can’t be contained by a mere creek bed.



Under the bridge where I used to sit.

There is so much more for me than the mud under my feet.

The creek has more than the mud it glides over.

I am full of that life, but only if I choose it.

Instead I sit in my troubles, unable to hear.

I am listening now.



I am reminded of a song,

but the waters weren’t the ones who were troubled,

I was.

I was on the bridge looking down at calm waters.

But I could not hear them over the pounding of my heart.

Now I am still. I am closer.



Under the bridge where I used to sit

I hear the quietest sounds of the water as well as the loud.

Who knew a creek of barely a few feet could hold so much depth?

The water is truth, cutting its way, raging - now flowing gently.

I am listening now. I am listening.

Speak Lord.

The Gray

This time I was surrounded by blackness. It wasn't that total black that makes you think that there just is nothing around you. It was a dull gray. A painted gray. It was real, but an absence of color that was swirling all around me.

Before there had been something to reach for, something to focus on, but here, everywhere I looked was darkness. It wasn't sad or scary. It just wasn't.

I sat down. It wasn't tumultuous. I guess it was still. But I didn't feel panicked. I didn't feel worried. I didn't feel scared. I didn't feel bored. I just didn't feel.

I don't know how long I sat in this gray, misty substance, but I had no desire to move. I could have just drifted off to sleep and it would have just been effortless and calm. But as I sat there was a prick inside me and I doubled over and opened my mouth to speak but instead endless air rushed in to me, filling my lungs and expanding my chest. It felt so good that it hurt.

I was now crouched in the grayness looking around me for something, anything to focus my eyes on. I began to panic. Everything around me was the same. I felt stuck and despite the life giving breath I had just received, my breathing became shallow and I gasped for air even though the air around me was as clear and pure as any I'd ever breathed, but it hurt as it came in my nose and throat. It was like my nostrils had forgotten what it felt like to breathe. Every breath hurt and at last I had to put my shirt over my mouth and nose to keep the fresh air out. My shirt worked as a filter and I could breathe in this clean air without the intense pain.

But now I noticed my shirt; it was the same gray nothingness and so was my skin. I let out a dull scream as I stared at my dead looking hand. "Help" I breathed. But it came out as a rasp.

I tried again, but I was still coughing on this fresh air and couldn't fill my lungs anymore. I was afraid to breathe deeply. It hurt. But without the air I would not be able to speak. I lowered my shirt from my mouth and breathed in deeply. The pain ripped at my throat and the first sound out was a silent scream.

I tried again and took a more cautious breath. Was I getting used to it? I felt less light headed and more ready to feel.

"Help!" I tried again, and the sound carried a bit more. With a bit more practice I was able to breathe more easily and began shouting.

"Help me!" I cried. "Can anyone hear me?" but there was no answer. Even my own voice did not send back a comforting echo. I was completely alone. There was no sound but me. And now I could hear my breathing like it was right by my ears and I screamed and tried to burry my mouth and ears with my gray arms.

I stayed like this for too long. Curled up in a ball facing the ground. I only moved because I felt warmth on my back and it scared me. I cautiously crept out of my hiding and noticed that the grayness was being replaced by a yellowness that seemed to be seeping in around me and encompassing me with warmth.

I didn't like it. The grayness had become a sort of comfort and even though I wanted the grayness to end I wasn't sure that I wanted this instead. It felt invasive.

It was getting brighter. I put my hand up to block the light, even as I looked toward it, and gasped because my hand was flooding with color.

I dropped it and looked down, but my clothes were still gray and the brightness was still growing.

"Stop!" I whimpered. "Stop! It can't be so bright. Stop!" But there was nothing I could do. It kept growing and my eyes began to ache even though I closed them tightly. I was not in control and as soon as I realized this I realized that my breathing had become shallow and scratchy. And I remembered that my breathing had been the one thing I could control. I couldn't control the intensity of the air I breathed but I could control the depth. I tried again to focus on that and as I breathed I saw the lightness begin to slow and hasten as I breathed in and out.

Was I controlling the light? but as I looked into its brightness I knew that it was not me. I could only control my reception of it and so I took a slow deep breath and saw the brightness approaching in equal measure to my breath.

I closed my eyes and listened to my beating heart.

The Only Love You Need

It is easy to feel alone in this world. Even surrounded by good people it can still feel like there's a lot of hard in the world. And, at least for me, it can feel really lonely. Even when people love me, I can feel really alone. So while out walking I had a really obvious realization:


The only love I need is the Lord’s love.


Yes I need to love and serve other people, but I don’t do that for their good opinion or to earn their love. I do it because I’m supposed to.

Can I do anything to make the Lord love me more? Can I do anything to make the Lord love me less?

No. The Lord’s love is unconditional. He loves us all. And we receive His love through grace. We can do nothing to change His love for us.

He will continue loving me no matter what I do. I think that too often I feel like I have done something that will make me unworthy of His love. But that is how I feel. Not how He feels.

His love is to eternity. His mercy is to eternity. Nothing we do can change His constant love reaching out to us, offering us His grace.

But the Lord’s love is not what saves us. We are given so much more than we deserve, but because of His love He does not save us.

Because He loves us He gives us freedom. Freedom to choose Him or to turn from Him.

But He will love us constantly. And that is what gives us the ability to choose Him. His love for us is constantly drawing us to Him. But we can choose to turn from Him because we have freedom.

He offers us unconditional love. He offers us redemption. He is constantly working to bring us back to Him, but He cannot do it against our will. We have to turn toward Him with all our heart, with our mind, and with our actions.

"Ye are My friends if ye do the things which I command you; I have chosen you, that ye should bear fruit, and your fruit should abide" (John 15:14, 16).

Great Goodness.

This week has been full of great goodness. On Monday I got to catch up with a friend who always brings me out of myself. Without judgement she challenges my perspective and invites me to think from another point of view, while still accepting and cherishing my reality. It had been too long since we had connected and it was a wonderful thing that has been filling my heart.

On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!

Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.

I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.

You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.

Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.

The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.

This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.

Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!

There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.

It is not good that man should be alone

The Lord God, Creator of the universe, designed it such that people are supposed to be teamed up to take on the world together.

People are not meant to be alone. Men are not meant to be alone and women are not meant to be alone. The Lord intends for everyone to find a teammate along the way. 

"For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave until his wife and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

So why are some people alone? Freedom is the obvious answer. If the Lord wanted it to be so, He could just make it so that every person found their partner and lived happily ever after. But He values our freedom above our happiness and even our salvation. He allows us to make choices so that we can choose Him in freedom, and choose each other in freedom.

Now that isn't to say that the single people of the world have freely chosen this path. Some have chosen to be single, sure. But that's not why I'm single. And I'm sure there are a lot of other people who would choose to be married if they could.

So what went wrong? Why are there people who want marriage and are not married? Something went wrong, right? I don't like to think of single people as lesser people. The Lord loves everyone. Single people aren't entitled to less of His love, but do they perhaps feel it less? And plain and simple are they as happy and fulfilled?

That the state of marriage is to be preferred is because this state exists from creation; because its origin is the marriage of good and truth; because its correspondence is with the marriage of the Lord and the Church; because the Church and conjugial love are constant companions; because its use is more excellent than the uses of all else in creation, for thence is the propagation of the human race according to order, and also of the angelic heaven, this being from the human race. Add to this, that marriage is the fullness of man; for by its means man becomes a complete man. (Conjugial Love 156)

Yep. Confirmed. Marriage is the best. So why do some people not get to be part of that? And to be entirely blunt, why do some people not get to be complete?

Later in CL 156:

That from creation there was implanted in man and woman an inclination to conjunction as into a one, and also the faculty thereof, and that these are in man and woman still, is evident from the Book of Creation and at the same time from the Lord's words. In the Book of Creation, which is called Genesis, we read:

Jehovah God built the rib which He had taken from man into a woman, and brought her to the man. And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; her name shall be called Ishah [woman], because she was taken out of Ish, man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Gen. II. 22-4. 

[2] From these passages it is evident that woman was created out of man, and that there is in both an inclination and a faculty of reuniting themselves into a one. That the reunion is into one man is also evident from the Book of Creation where both together are called Man; for we read, In the day that God created man, male and female created He them, and called their name Man. It is said here, He called their name Adam, but in the Hebrew language, Adam and Man are the same word.

So, it's clear to me that the ideal state is the married state. And if it's ideal, it's what the Lord hopes for for all of us. And yet He will not take away our freedom and just grant us that marriage. So I circle back around: Why do some people who are following the Lord and His Word get to be married and other people do not?

I think to some degree we do put marriage on too high a pedestal. Someone created a lot of external trappings that distract from real marriage and the purpose of weddings and marriage. The bride is important, the groom is important, the friends, the ceremony and the party are important. The Lord is essential, and everything else is not important. But this is a rant I should probably not go into now.

Marriage is special. Marriage is ideal, and just because some of the ideas surrounding it have been completely misused and abused does not negate the importance and use of marriage. And I think that's one of the reasons I care so much about marriage, and being married myself: I want to reclaim marriage and use it for what it's for and to build and create something that is so valuable to the Lord.

And part of me knows that I can work on my marriage and serve marriages in this world without myself being married to another person, but it seems like much harder work. And I know that marriage is hard work too, but there's a reason the Lord planned us to have partners, so no matter how many times people tell me of ways that I too can be working toward marriage and supporting marriage it doesn't seem like a real and whole thing to do with my life.

I love supporting marriages, and supporting my single friends in their hopes for future marriages. I love taking care of children and spending time with families and doing as much as I can to love and care for marriage. It's a start, but it only feels like a start. And starting out is often the hardest part. And a perpetual start can be exhausting.

"It is not good that man should be alone."

Looking toward the shore

There is nothing more lovely than sitting on the beach in the early morning, hearing nothing but the Lord’s wind and waves. I love that peace. I often sit with His Word. Sometimes just holding it for a while, feeling prayers before I open and read.

The beach is my favorite place to be alone. I just want to sit in the near perfect silence with only the roar of the waves, the morning birds and the breeze. I hear the Lord’s voice in the roaring of the waves and I picture looking out over the waves at my Human God, holding out His arms, welcoming me into His embrace.

There is nothing so perfect as that morning peace… unless it be holding a baby. Picking up a sad child and having her nestle into you arms in comfort, and immediately fill your arms and heart. That soft puddingy weight as they melt into your arms in trust.

I don’t like comparing myself to my Savior God, or putting myself in His place, and yet we are meant to emulate Him. And He compares Himself to a mother hen gathering in her chicks. He IS our Father. So wondering at the tiniest bit of what He must feel when we come to Him must not be too bad.

The open arms over the sea inviting me in. I long for that feeling of comfort that an innocent child feels when they melt into the safety of someone’s loving arms; the feeling in my heart when a baby’s head rests against it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that safety and that comfort and that sense of belonging; to feel completely safe with someone, to feel that deep feeling of peace.

I think the closest I come is when I am kneeling at the Holy Supper railing in the cathedral, very close to the open Word, tasting the bread and the wine, feeling the Lord’s hands on my head as I hear the words “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.” The words are whispered to me in a promise, and for that moment I feel the Lord’s love on my heart, and I believe in everything that He promises me. I feel safe, loved, wanted, needed. In short, I feel like a real human, created in the image and likeness of God.

I wish I felt that more often. I wish I could hold on to that feeling.

It’s unlovely and scary, but I guess the way for Holy Supper to feel lasting is to examine myself more, and remove the evils standing in my way. Repentance is the way to the Lord.

“The saying of God came to John the son of Zacharias in the wilderness. And he came into all the countryside of Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, as it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord; make His paths straight.” Luke 3:2-4

It is through repentance that we prepare the way for the Lord in our lives. I can approach Him, and feel close in the Holy Supper, but it won’t be a lasting feeling of living in Him unless I choose to actually live my life in Him, and that is only possible through repentance.