Christmas is a busy time of parties, sugar, alcohol. And lots of people. Let me tell you, there are no shortage of people! People, people, people! And I love the people! I love the Christmas parties. I love the Christmas cookies, the lights, the friends, the fun! I love it all.
On top of all that I'm in charge of the Christmas pageant which has over 100 people in it. And I get to spend time with these people. Starting tomorrow night I have rehearsals every day. And a week from today is the pageant itself which thousands of people come to.
It's a lot. But let me repeat, I really truly love every minute of being there! The music and the people, the readings from the Word! It is a special time! And I love it!
But soon after I leave a rehearsal, or after I leave a Christmas party I need to recharge. I'm an introvert and I need time to recharge. The problem is it's December. Rehearsals and parties and people, people, people. I love the people. Have I said that enough yet? Probably some of those people I love will read this and I want you to know that I really do love and appreciate you!
I am an introvert. I am not a hermit. I am not antisocial or a people loather. I just need time by myself to recharge.
But here's the other thing, I also desperately need human connection. And no matter how much I love my time at parties and rehearsals, that's not quality time.
Well, it is and it isn't. The parties and the people are quality! And I long for connection so I seek out the people... and then I feel isolated. Because no matter how much I love the people, I need a break.
And I don't turn in to a recluse, because I am miserable if I am all alone. I feel drained from people, and I miss them all at once.
I long for connection, and I'm not sure what that looks like when I am so burnt out.
It's like I desperately need human connection, but exactly on my terms and I want other people to exactly anticipate my needs. I can't explain anything, because I don't know myself what I need. I just know that I need humans, and I also can't handle being around them.
And all of this leaves me feeling extremely self centered and needy.
And those feelings make me feel worse about myself.
And so at last...
Isolation.
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I totally get this. Every word. Well, almost: I don't feel guilty about being a social introvert. It sure beats being an antisocial extrovert; those people are scary dangerous! But social introverts are a special bunch and a gift to those around them when they do interact. Don't feel guilty about needing to recharge your batteries alone or with a close, trusted friend! You are a gift, Alison.
ReplyDeleteSame. Though I feel sometimes on the verge of retreating back into reclusion, because it would be easier.
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