It is not good that man should be alone

The Lord God, Creator of the universe, designed it such that people are supposed to be teamed up to take on the world together.

People are not meant to be alone. Men are not meant to be alone and women are not meant to be alone. The Lord intends for everyone to find a teammate along the way. 

"For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave until his wife and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

So why are some people alone? Freedom is the obvious answer. If the Lord wanted it to be so, He could just make it so that every person found their partner and lived happily ever after. But He values our freedom above our happiness and even our salvation. He allows us to make choices so that we can choose Him in freedom, and choose each other in freedom.

Now that isn't to say that the single people of the world have freely chosen this path. Some have chosen to be single, sure. But that's not why I'm single. And I'm sure there are a lot of other people who would choose to be married if they could.

So what went wrong? Why are there people who want marriage and are not married? Something went wrong, right? I don't like to think of single people as lesser people. The Lord loves everyone. Single people aren't entitled to less of His love, but do they perhaps feel it less? And plain and simple are they as happy and fulfilled?

That the state of marriage is to be preferred is because this state exists from creation; because its origin is the marriage of good and truth; because its correspondence is with the marriage of the Lord and the Church; because the Church and conjugial love are constant companions; because its use is more excellent than the uses of all else in creation, for thence is the propagation of the human race according to order, and also of the angelic heaven, this being from the human race. Add to this, that marriage is the fullness of man; for by its means man becomes a complete man. (Conjugial Love 156)

Yep. Confirmed. Marriage is the best. So why do some people not get to be part of that? And to be entirely blunt, why do some people not get to be complete?

Later in CL 156:

That from creation there was implanted in man and woman an inclination to conjunction as into a one, and also the faculty thereof, and that these are in man and woman still, is evident from the Book of Creation and at the same time from the Lord's words. In the Book of Creation, which is called Genesis, we read:

Jehovah God built the rib which He had taken from man into a woman, and brought her to the man. And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; her name shall be called Ishah [woman], because she was taken out of Ish, man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Gen. II. 22-4. 

[2] From these passages it is evident that woman was created out of man, and that there is in both an inclination and a faculty of reuniting themselves into a one. That the reunion is into one man is also evident from the Book of Creation where both together are called Man; for we read, In the day that God created man, male and female created He them, and called their name Man. It is said here, He called their name Adam, but in the Hebrew language, Adam and Man are the same word.

So, it's clear to me that the ideal state is the married state. And if it's ideal, it's what the Lord hopes for for all of us. And yet He will not take away our freedom and just grant us that marriage. So I circle back around: Why do some people who are following the Lord and His Word get to be married and other people do not?

I think to some degree we do put marriage on too high a pedestal. Someone created a lot of external trappings that distract from real marriage and the purpose of weddings and marriage. The bride is important, the groom is important, the friends, the ceremony and the party are important. The Lord is essential, and everything else is not important. But this is a rant I should probably not go into now.

Marriage is special. Marriage is ideal, and just because some of the ideas surrounding it have been completely misused and abused does not negate the importance and use of marriage. And I think that's one of the reasons I care so much about marriage, and being married myself: I want to reclaim marriage and use it for what it's for and to build and create something that is so valuable to the Lord.

And part of me knows that I can work on my marriage and serve marriages in this world without myself being married to another person, but it seems like much harder work. And I know that marriage is hard work too, but there's a reason the Lord planned us to have partners, so no matter how many times people tell me of ways that I too can be working toward marriage and supporting marriage it doesn't seem like a real and whole thing to do with my life.

I love supporting marriages, and supporting my single friends in their hopes for future marriages. I love taking care of children and spending time with families and doing as much as I can to love and care for marriage. It's a start, but it only feels like a start. And starting out is often the hardest part. And a perpetual start can be exhausting.

"It is not good that man should be alone."

Past joys and future battles

Why can't things go back to the way they were? I think I say this often, and so do others. But the truth is that life will never be the same as it was.

It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies:

"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." Margaret Hale (North and South)

I probably think about this too much. We're not supposed to live in the past, and that's a good thing. We're supposed to keep moving forward.

We're not supposed to live in the past, but we're not supposed to live in the future either. And it should be easier to take one day at a time so why must I invest so much in trying to fight all the battles at once?

I think it's because I want to make my life easier. So I try to do things now that will limit the hurt and fear in the future... by taking it on now... but I will always have a future that I want to make brighter so if I am always trying to make the future better my life will always be too busy to enjoy. I think we all know this and it's an oft repeated idea, and yet I know that I constantly need the reminder that there's plenty to worry about now without borrowing from the future. A friend recently shared this with me, and I laughed and then cried.

I really just have one battle but it affects all of my life. And, for better or for worse, I refuse to put it back.

Waiting for inspiration helps no one

I keep waiting to write. Waiting for inspiration that may never come. I am still trapped by this idea that I must have something to write about. Something worth sharing.

But that's not why I write. I don't write to wow the people. I mostly write to process. I write out my thoughts because I need to be able to read them. I need to see what I'm thinking and saying so that I can make sense of it. Writing is super helpful to me, so even when I'm saying nothing of consequence it is helping me become a better writer. And also a better human.

But it's not just about me. I do want other people to get something out of what I write. But what I write doesn't have to be useful to other people for it to benefit them directly. But I believe that through writing, even if I'm writing out the crap, that I can become a better person.

And I think that that is all I have for today. Little by little.

You are worth more than many sparrows.

Frustrations abound. For no reason. One little thing sets off another and suddenly a little confusion in today's plans throws the whole future into disarray.

I am worrying about next week and the week after and all the things I have to get done before Christmas. Yes, Christmas. I have had Christmas on my mind all summer. Mostly the Christmas Pageant/Tableaux and all the things I have to do before December even begins. Costumes, casting, and building an entirely new platform/stage.

So, that should not be stressing me out on a random Monday in August but it is. Because I don't know the future and suddenly everything is piling on and I'll never be able to get this stage built before December. Cause once the school year starts everything is moving so fast and everyone's schedules are so busy and then all of the sudden it's December and nothing is ready.

And December isn't close enough to stress about so of course I figured I would start stressing about the rest of my life. And suddenly I'm in tears because I have chosen to look into the future and take all the stress and carry it now.

But tears feel like a betrayal. When I cry because things aren't going according to my plans I'm betraying the Master Planner by saying that His plans aren't working for me. I don't trust Him. I want it my way. So tears feel like a slap in the face to my Creator and His providence.

And this leads back to my earlier posts about expressing feelings and validation.

Is it a slap in God's face to cry? Of course not! So that's not really a valid feeling, and yet I feel it. It's that vicious cycle of knowing that the Lord does want me to cry and cast my burden on Him, but feeling like it's an act of selfish denial of His power. And so I want to be strong, and it feels like strength to stifle the tears and soldier on. But I know, rationally I know, that that is weakness not strength. I must cast my burden on Him and He will sustain me.

Matthew 6
26 Look intently at the birds of the sky; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his stature?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they labor not, neither do they spin;
29 but I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these.
30 And if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Be not therefore anxious, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, With what shall we be arrayed?
32 For all these things do the nations seek; for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His justice, and all these things shall be added to you.
34 Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow shall be anxious for the things of itself. Sufficient for the day is the evil of it.

You can't hug a goldfish

I cleaned my room! I still need to organize some shelves, but the floor is totally clean, all laundry is stowed, and my desk is nearly empty! It feels very good to walk into my room.

But yesterday my sister in law got gold fish, and as crazy as it is, it made me feel lonely. I was struck with a desire to have goldfish too. Maybe a couple goldfish in a bowl on my desk for companionship. Then I remembered how much I don't like fish and that maybe I should get a cat. I've never considered having a pet before. But today I was struck with an overwhelming desire to have a kitten. I could just picture the little fuzzball curled up on my lap or playing in my room.

Then I remembered that I have severe cat allergies. But even now there is a window opened on my browser for hypoallergenic cats. But I know it's not realistic. Hypoallergenic cats aren't allergen free and can still cause problems.

Because I know I have allergies I've never spent any time wondering about cats or dogs. So why now? Is there something inherent in single women in their 30s that just says "Ok. Time to give up and become a cat lady!" ??

I know that this has been brought on from E.A.S (Empty Arms Syndrome). After a week at the shore with kids, including my 2 month old niece, I am missing holding that little baby. I just want to snuggle some cute little things. I think I am feeling hug deprived. Good thing one of my best hugs friends is coming to visit in less than a week! Huzzah! I just need all the hugs.

Clean room

I need to clean my room. Even though I've done a few trips recently I'm actually quite proud of how quickly I unpacked my suitcase after the trips. My laundry is clean, it's just waiting for me to fold it and put it away. Other things I brought with me to camp (like my pile of sharpies) are just sitting on my desk. It's really not that hard to put it away, right? Why are they still sitting there?

Once my room is clean I will feel happier with life. I'll be able to focus on writing again. And I'm gonna get my paints out and paint too. I'm not sure if I'll do oil or water color. Oil is just such a pain to clean up, but the results are pretty satisfying. Or there's acrylic, which is therapeutic - it is so healing to push paint around on canvas - but the results are always meh. I also need to play ukulele! I didn't bring my uke to the shore with me so I haven't played in over a week which is no good!

I woke up too early. I've already been awake for two hours, and I have two hours until church. I want to go back to sleep but I can't. So I will turn on some music and clean my room.

The waiting game

I often play this game with the ocean. It's a waiting game where I stand so close to the water and wait for the waves to come to me. I use it to think about how often I wait for things in life. I wrote the following last summer on August 20th 2016:

Good morning ocean! I stood on the beach in easy reach of the water. I though it was too easy, and yet it took possibly more than ten minutes and more waves than I can count till one finally got my feet. Looking to the right and left I could see that the water reached farther up on either side of me and I could see the marks on the sand to where the water kept coming to. Just missing my feet.

Maybe if I had started further back the ocean would have come to me sooner. I almost gave up waiting. Would I give up by stepping closer or stepping back? With the ocean I decided that I would give up by stepping back and not even dipping my toes in the water this morning. When I decided that, it took a few but a wave licked my toes and surrounded my feet. So I stepped confidently into the waves.

This is a metaphor for how I often view relationships. I come close, but not too close, and I wait. Sometimes I do better at waiting. Other times not so much. Of course this time my decision to turn away was what it took for the water to reach me. But it wasn't a trick. I wasn't thinking "This will get the waves to embrace me." I was thinking "I'm not going to stand and wait any longer."

In a relationship sometimes I'm not ready to make that call. I am willing to wait. Or am I? I know eventually the water will reach me. But I don't know about a guy. I don't want to dig my heals in and wait. I want to go forward and ask the sea what it wants from me because I feel sure I can make something work. But with that attitude I am not letting go. I will only trust my plan.

But I must trust the Lord's plan which means letting go of control. Walking away and seeing if the ocean will follow. But is the ocean trustworthy? Or is this metaphor bunk? I can't let go. Is it fair to ask the ocean questions? If I don't step forward but instead shout out to the ocean "Are you coming?" But the ocean cannot answer. It doesn't know.

It doesn't know and nor do I. One knows, and yet I cannot trust. I cannot turn to the One who knows. Why is it too scary to ask the Maker of tides?

Oh, oh I have moved up the beach and am sitting now and the water gets closer and closer! A sign? Literally sit back and relax. The Keeper of tides has you in His hands. He will take care of you. Trust in Him. He will give you the desires of your heart.

Nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.