I think I'm a better writer when I'm sitting in a little bit of angst. When something gets under my skin the way to get it out is to write it out.
It's not always true, but I'm noticing a pattern. In fiction and in journaling when things are well I'm like "The sun is shining. October is beautiful. Life is great!" which there's nothing wrong with. I like being happy! But I just don't churn out words the same way.
When I'm processing some minor or large hurt I think my writing develops a bit of crunch to it that allows me to delve a little deeper into my soul.
And that isn't to say that hard things are deeper than happier things, but they do seem to be easier to write about.
Random thought: are hard things more vulnerable than happy things? Or are the really, truly happy things so locked up behind my vulnerability barrier that they never get written about?
It can definitely be hard to write or talk about a lovely hope, for fear of jinxing it, or someone bursting that bubble.
So maybe the bestest, truest happies are far more vulnerable than the sads. I don't know.
Today I am happy, so my writing is more relaxed and undefined.
Like, I want to write about how heavy my heart feels. Not a burdened heavy, but a solid fullness in my heart that is weighing in a good way. I can't describe it. It's easier for me to write about something weighing me down than the burden of joy. I can't describe it.
Suffice it to say that God is good.
The choices we make
I can get bogged down in one single choice I make. Or even some thing that wasn't a choice but an accident or mistake. I'm trying to think of an example. I recently wrote about accidentally hurting someone. It really sucks how caught up I can get in one little thing. Heaping on blame isn't helpful. Sometimes it motivates us to change our ways and become better. We are supposed to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, but we don't have to hold on forever, wracked with guilt, unable to move forward.
I was struck by a beautiful piece of a story written by a friend. (You can read the whole expert here).
"We are not our injuries," she said with a measured voice. "We are not even the choices we make, for we can always make new choices."
That is what it's about, isn't it? Making new choices. Not getting stuck in guilt, but letting it be the spring board into better actions in the future!
Great Goodness.
This week has been full of great goodness. On Monday I got to catch up with a friend who always brings me out of myself. Without judgement she challenges my perspective and invites me to think from another point of view, while still accepting and cherishing my reality. It had been too long since we had connected and it was a wonderful thing that has been filling my heart.
On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!
Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.
I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.
You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.
Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.
The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.
This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.
Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!
There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.
On Monday evenings I feed dorm kids real food. One of my favorite things is hospitality! Providing a home for people, through food, friendship, warmth and laughter!
Tuesday was an interesting day. It started out with me feeling unheard and unexpectedly down and alone. That feeling led to a walk and a conversation with a great listener. While sitting on a bridge in the woods a woman came along crying. A stranger. We stopped mid conversation and turned to offer her friendship.
I embraced her as she cried. We both just held her. She told us about what was going on for her and we just listened and hugged her. We hardly said anything and just let her talk. At one point she said "You should be a grief counselor" and at another time "You give the best hugs." She apologized for interrupting and for being a stranger and I assured her that we were glad to be there for her.
You know what? Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen to someone. That's all it takes. Maybe some hugs and "I'm sorries" but people just want to be heard. Just listen.
Running into this woman in the woods changed by day and my perspective. I felt glad for the Lord's guidance and for being in the right place at the right time. I did nothing, but the Lord had me in the right place so He could work His grace.
The rest of Tuesday was a good day of connection, and trust in the Lord.
This morning I had a meeting about Christmas Tableaux/Pageant stuff. I am so excited about Christmas! I can't wait for the beauty of Christmas to settle in! After my meeting I sat in the sun at the cathedral and felt the Lord's warmth. Warmth that touched my face and shoulders, and filled up my heart.
Today I feel a solidity in the presence of the Lord. He is there. He is always there! He is here!
There is always great goodness around us if we remember to open our eyes to it.
Mansplaining
To start with, here are a few internet definitions of mansplain:
I think the Wikipedia definition is funny, specifically this wording "in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing." Regarded by whom?! I can find anything condescending if I want to!
Anyhow, regardless of what other people mean by it, I think it's dumb. Sorry people.
I, for one, am entirely sick of the condescending manner toward men! I don't care about the history of misogyny etc (I mean, I care, but setting that aside) it's absolutely no excuse to treat men as inferior. That's helping no one, especially not women! It's turning us into pretty unpleasant people to be around, and no WONDER women don't have much respect for the men around us when we have turned them into emasculated puppies.
This is not the world I want to live in. Sadly it is the world we live in, and I'm just gonna continue to do my part in supporting men and women in their God given strengths and loves.
Both men and women can be condescending and frustrating to talk to. Both men and women have things to offer to a conversation (I hope most people recognize that!)
And I almost forgot to say, I freaking LOVE mansplaining. Because while I value and appreciate both men and women's advice to me, there is something invaluable to me in having a man's perspective! A perspective that I, as a woman, CANNOT have. He is something that I am not, and something I value and respect because of the unique and wonderful capacities the Lord has given him.
Value your men, people. Value your men!
(of a man) explain (something) to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing. (Wikipedia)
A derisive and condescending term insultingly used by women when referring to a man that they are in a conversation with. The man's point is derided not because his reasoning is faulty or his evidence is unreliable; his point is derided simply on the basis of his gender. (Urban Dictionary)I'm sure there are lots of ways people use this word that are and are not covered by the above definitions.
I think the Wikipedia definition is funny, specifically this wording "in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing." Regarded by whom?! I can find anything condescending if I want to!
Anyhow, regardless of what other people mean by it, I think it's dumb. Sorry people.
I, for one, am entirely sick of the condescending manner toward men! I don't care about the history of misogyny etc (I mean, I care, but setting that aside) it's absolutely no excuse to treat men as inferior. That's helping no one, especially not women! It's turning us into pretty unpleasant people to be around, and no WONDER women don't have much respect for the men around us when we have turned them into emasculated puppies.
This is not the world I want to live in. Sadly it is the world we live in, and I'm just gonna continue to do my part in supporting men and women in their God given strengths and loves.
Both men and women can be condescending and frustrating to talk to. Both men and women have things to offer to a conversation (I hope most people recognize that!)
And I almost forgot to say, I freaking LOVE mansplaining. Because while I value and appreciate both men and women's advice to me, there is something invaluable to me in having a man's perspective! A perspective that I, as a woman, CANNOT have. He is something that I am not, and something I value and respect because of the unique and wonderful capacities the Lord has given him.
Value your men, people. Value your men!
Life keeps getting better
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Meaning, sometimes I don't like to talk about things for fear of jinxing them.
But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.
But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.
Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.
Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?
Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.
Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.
I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.
I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.
And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.
I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.
This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.
I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.
I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.
But here goes anyway. Why do people ever want to have more than one 29th birthday? Can I tell you something? I was 29 once, and I don't want to be 29 again. Don't get me wrong, 29 was a pretty good year. I made an awesome movie with a friend. Yep, 29 was awesome. But there was also some pretty shitty stuff too. Well, not quite shitty, but I did sit on my doorstep one evening and cry over a boy. And I guess I continued to feel pretty miserable about how that brief relationship ended for several months.
But anyhow, the main thing I wanted to say is I turned 30 at the beginning of this year. I felt great on my birthday. I sat at home, waiting to head up to a party one of my best friends was throwing for me. And she's a sweetheart, cause it was her birthday too, and yet she threw me a party! But as I sat, waiting I pulled out my ukulele. I knew a very few basic chords and I knew how to strum up and down and that was it. Nevertheless I was in a good mood so I recorded a song.
Thus began my resolution to learn my ukulele and record at least one song a month for 2017. I think by now I recorded 21 songs. Or at least I've posted 21 snippets on instagram. And I played my ukulele at two open mic nights. I'm still not good, but I don't even care. I am better than I was and I love playing my ukulele.
Also this year I have managed to do Duolingo every single day. I'm learning Dutch in case I ever go to Belgium. Haha, what a random statement. I should probably post an entire blog post about this. But where was I?
Ah yes, this year has been great! Right at the end of 2016 a dear friend got me back into Contra dancing. Contra is amazing! I feel like it's the closest human beings will ever come to flying. I soar when I am dancing and my heart almost always explodes with happiness.
Some time in February I met a human at Contra who changed my life. That might sounds cliche or trite, but I don't know how else to put it. And maybe it is trite. "Changed my life" is too mild for what it is anyhow. Every person I meet changes my life. But this person has offered more encouragement and kindness than I knew existed.
I have loved writing my entire life. I have already written about that here, but I didn't know that I could write until this friend made me believe it. Over the course of two nights, much to my chagrin, he read aloud a story I wrote to me and another friend and they both enjoyed it so much that for the first time in my life I believed that I could write. He is the reason I started this blog. Yes, 30 has been a good year.
I already mentioned my article that was published earlier this week... I don't think I would have written that without the encouragement and support of this friend.
And my paintings. I did a month of watercolor two years ago, but this year I did a month of oils and am now working on improving my drawing skills (Yeah, so what? I go about art rather sporadically!). Oils were so much fun. So were watercolor two years ago. But this year I actually feel like an artist.
I have never allowed myself to apply terms like "writer" or "artist" to myself, because I have always considered myself mediocre at best.
This year I have decided that I don't care how good I am, I love to write. I love to draw. I love to paint. I love to play my ukulele. I don't care if I'm good at these things or not, because I love them.
I think that I can say that 30 has been the best year of my life to date. I have the best friends and so much encouragement and kindness from them. I feel inspired and full of life. I feel confidence in the Lord.
I know that life is cyclical. I go through times of being happy and great and times of life being hard, but I will keep on moving forward with the sure knowledge that the Lord is with me.
Have Confidence
I woke up at like 6:37 this morning. I was hoping to sleep in. I slept for less than 5 hours last night and I thrive on 8. I've been sick for like a week and really tired and drained. By all accounts I should be feeling pretty blah today.
But I feel amazing. Okay, I'm tired. For sure. But I got up this morning and went shopping. As I drove I marveled about how good a thing it is that I do not know the future. I don't know if random thoughts I have are correct or crazy. And that's okay. I went to Whole Foods to get more kombucha because I discovered grapefruit kombucha and it's amazing! I just found out it has sugar and caffeine... that might add to it's amazingness, but anyhow. I went shopping early on a Saturday and as I was coming out of the parking lot I ran in to a delightful father figure who swept me up in the most life giving papa bear hug and said to me "Well my day just got a lot better." And mine had too.
I decided to go to Starbucks for a quick coffee and the parking lot is notoriously crowded. I waited as a lady got in to her car and pulled out. I took her spot, got my coffee and then returned to my car. Just as I had waited, there was a car waiting for my spot. I cautiously backed out, careful not to hit them or any other cars in the over crowded lot. The person leaned on their horn for a good 30 seconds. Not a gentle "In case you didn't notice me, don't hit me." A solid, rude "Get the hell out of my way and don't you dare hit me!!" Kinda honk.
If I had been in a different mood I might have pulled back into the spot and just stayed there for awhile. But I paused, to let the person know that I had seen them, and continued my same cautious backing up, and then I pulled out of the parking lot as the car shot into my vacated spot.
I thought about how on any other day I might have been put in a kinda bummed out mood by that person's rudeness, but as I pulled out of the parking lot my thought was "I already got an amazing hug today, so I don't even need to care about that person's bad attitude.
As I was driving home, grateful for the start of this Saturday, this passage came in to my head:
But I feel amazing. Okay, I'm tired. For sure. But I got up this morning and went shopping. As I drove I marveled about how good a thing it is that I do not know the future. I don't know if random thoughts I have are correct or crazy. And that's okay. I went to Whole Foods to get more kombucha because I discovered grapefruit kombucha and it's amazing! I just found out it has sugar and caffeine... that might add to it's amazingness, but anyhow. I went shopping early on a Saturday and as I was coming out of the parking lot I ran in to a delightful father figure who swept me up in the most life giving papa bear hug and said to me "Well my day just got a lot better." And mine had too.
I decided to go to Starbucks for a quick coffee and the parking lot is notoriously crowded. I waited as a lady got in to her car and pulled out. I took her spot, got my coffee and then returned to my car. Just as I had waited, there was a car waiting for my spot. I cautiously backed out, careful not to hit them or any other cars in the over crowded lot. The person leaned on their horn for a good 30 seconds. Not a gentle "In case you didn't notice me, don't hit me." A solid, rude "Get the hell out of my way and don't you dare hit me!!" Kinda honk.
If I had been in a different mood I might have pulled back into the spot and just stayed there for awhile. But I paused, to let the person know that I had seen them, and continued my same cautious backing up, and then I pulled out of the parking lot as the car shot into my vacated spot.
I thought about how on any other day I might have been put in a kinda bummed out mood by that person's rudeness, but as I pulled out of the parking lot my thought was "I already got an amazing hug today, so I don't even need to care about that person's bad attitude.
As I was driving home, grateful for the start of this Saturday, this passage came in to my head:
"Have confidence. Arise. He calls thee." (Mark 10:49)I feel confidence in the Lord this morning. Confidence for the future and a peaceful contentment in waiting for the amazing future He has planned for me.
Ukuleles and bad dreams
I can't sleep. I wanted to nap, but I can't sleep. I think it's in part due to a facebook message I received that I really shouldn't allow to bother me, but it does. Because the person said something like "I used to be where you are" and proceeded to tell me where I am. I don't appreciate being told where I am. That's crossing some boundaries, dudette. Don't presume to know me when you don't.
I might also not be able to nap because I had coffee this morning. Bummer. I want sleep. Also, I had a weird dream last night. Usually emotions from dreams are quite poignant and can be invasive, but this one was so low key emotionally it's almost weird to me. But I guess I'm grateful that it's not weighing on me.
In other news, I haven't played ukulele for like 3 weeks. I left my uke at home when I was away for two weeks. Guess what? It's still in tune. I love this little guy. I kinda wanna name it. I always want to name things, but it has to really stick for me to call it something. Like my car. I still haven't come up with a name for it. But I wish I could.
Anyhow, I think I'm gonna play some ukulele.
I might also not be able to nap because I had coffee this morning. Bummer. I want sleep. Also, I had a weird dream last night. Usually emotions from dreams are quite poignant and can be invasive, but this one was so low key emotionally it's almost weird to me. But I guess I'm grateful that it's not weighing on me.
In other news, I haven't played ukulele for like 3 weeks. I left my uke at home when I was away for two weeks. Guess what? It's still in tune. I love this little guy. I kinda wanna name it. I always want to name things, but it has to really stick for me to call it something. Like my car. I still haven't come up with a name for it. But I wish I could.
Anyhow, I think I'm gonna play some ukulele.
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