I can't sleep. I wanted to nap, but I can't sleep. I think it's in part due to a facebook message I received that I really shouldn't allow to bother me, but it does. Because the person said something like "I used to be where you are" and proceeded to tell me where I am. I don't appreciate being told where I am. That's crossing some boundaries, dudette. Don't presume to know me when you don't.
I might also not be able to nap because I had coffee this morning. Bummer. I want sleep. Also, I had a weird dream last night. Usually emotions from dreams are quite poignant and can be invasive, but this one was so low key emotionally it's almost weird to me. But I guess I'm grateful that it's not weighing on me.
In other news, I haven't played ukulele for like 3 weeks. I left my uke at home when I was away for two weeks. Guess what? It's still in tune. I love this little guy. I kinda wanna name it. I always want to name things, but it has to really stick for me to call it something. Like my car. I still haven't come up with a name for it. But I wish I could.
Anyhow, I think I'm gonna play some ukulele.
Ramblings, scattered mind
Today there are too many things to write.
I want to write about the ocean. Sitting on the beach in the morning and listening to the sound of the waves. It's one of the most peaceful things on earth and I love it.
But I also want to write about childhood and the little things that stick in your heart.
Speaking of sticking in your heart, I also want to write about hearts and feeling heard.
Also, I wrote it a while ago, but today my article was published on New Christian Woman. It's really cool to see my article resonating with others. Not even to feel that solidarity in "Oh there are others!" but to know that my article helped someone else feel heard is powerful!
I'm also feeling crazy and sporadic today cause I'm trying to figure out a lot of travel plans. I bought my bus ticket and talked to all the right people about arranging rides and everything. I just have one leg of the journey still to figure out. And I'm also looking toward Thanksgiving travel plans and the Christmas pageant because someone just sent me an email about figuring out the live animals for that. So there's just so much on my mind and so I'm feeling kinda pulled a bunch of different directions and unable to focus on just one thing. So here I am rambling boring thoughts onto my blog. I wanted to write something worthwhile today. Oh well.
I want to write about the ocean. Sitting on the beach in the morning and listening to the sound of the waves. It's one of the most peaceful things on earth and I love it.
But I also want to write about childhood and the little things that stick in your heart.
Speaking of sticking in your heart, I also want to write about hearts and feeling heard.
Also, I wrote it a while ago, but today my article was published on New Christian Woman. It's really cool to see my article resonating with others. Not even to feel that solidarity in "Oh there are others!" but to know that my article helped someone else feel heard is powerful!
I'm also feeling crazy and sporadic today cause I'm trying to figure out a lot of travel plans. I bought my bus ticket and talked to all the right people about arranging rides and everything. I just have one leg of the journey still to figure out. And I'm also looking toward Thanksgiving travel plans and the Christmas pageant because someone just sent me an email about figuring out the live animals for that. So there's just so much on my mind and so I'm feeling kinda pulled a bunch of different directions and unable to focus on just one thing. So here I am rambling boring thoughts onto my blog. I wanted to write something worthwhile today. Oh well.
Sickness and the weather
I should write. I don't want to write, and I do want to write. But also I don't want to write.
I was away for two weeks helping out a family who just had their 3rd child. I mostly did dishes and watched the 6 and 4 year old. I also got to hold the new baby a lot. It was only two weeks and it wasn't super hard or challenging work. But nevertheless my body did what it often does after being stressed and busy: plunged me into a fresh cold and enforced rest.
I get the need to slow down and rest, but I was gonna! But did I have to get sick in order to rest? Come on! It's not very restful waking up from a nap cause snot is dripping from your nose, or being unable to sleep in the first place because your head is splitting. It doesn't seem like a great system. I'd like to be able to rest and go for relaxing walks and catch up with friends, and instead I just have to stay home and be a wreck.
And the weather isn't helping. It's October 10th and I have run my air conditioning the past 3 nights because of how unbearably hot it has been in my room. Not only has it been hot it has been raining and not cool refreshing October rain, but humid sticky rain.
Today there is sunshine, but it's still too hot. I want it to be sock weather. I'm ready for socks and koselig!
I was away for two weeks helping out a family who just had their 3rd child. I mostly did dishes and watched the 6 and 4 year old. I also got to hold the new baby a lot. It was only two weeks and it wasn't super hard or challenging work. But nevertheless my body did what it often does after being stressed and busy: plunged me into a fresh cold and enforced rest.
I get the need to slow down and rest, but I was gonna! But did I have to get sick in order to rest? Come on! It's not very restful waking up from a nap cause snot is dripping from your nose, or being unable to sleep in the first place because your head is splitting. It doesn't seem like a great system. I'd like to be able to rest and go for relaxing walks and catch up with friends, and instead I just have to stay home and be a wreck.
And the weather isn't helping. It's October 10th and I have run my air conditioning the past 3 nights because of how unbearably hot it has been in my room. Not only has it been hot it has been raining and not cool refreshing October rain, but humid sticky rain.
Today there is sunshine, but it's still too hot. I want it to be sock weather. I'm ready for socks and koselig!
Turn and Live
You know when you accidentally hurt someone? Like this past summer at the shore, I asked my nephew to ring the supper bell. This bright eyed, chipper little boy had excitement in his eyes as his high pitched voice lisped out "Otay!" and he went skipping away.
My father picked up the child so that the little one could reach the bell. But before he could ring it I turned and slammed the swinging door full into the nephew's head.
I watched the look on his face. He felt betrayed. His little face got pinker and more wrinkled before he let out the wail of pain.
My heart split. I had caused this sweet little nephew pain. I had JUST told him to ring the bell, and two seconds later I had forgotten and thoughtlessly swung the door right into him (I hate swinging doors!)
Luckily my dad was holding the distraught child and was able to comfort him and return him to his mother, but I followed apologizing profusely and feeling horrible.
If it had merely been an accident, and I hadn't known he was there, I'm sure I would have felt pretty bad about it, but I had set him up to be hurt, and one second more of thought would have prevented it from happening in the first place.
So there are two ways I want to go with this story. One: just spending a second more thinking before speaking or acting would save me so many blunders. Why must I be in such a hurry that I don't pay attention?
And 2: I felt horrible. Obviously the following would not occur with a two year old child, but what if I had followed the injured party looking for forgiveness for my blunder and instead of giving him the comfort and apology, he had had to turn around and assure me repeatedly that he was okay and that I shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't that big a deal and not to worry, and he had spent the next ten minutes comforting me instead of the other way around?
So when I say something thoughtless to a friend, at least two things happen. I wish that I had taken the time to consider before speaking, and I end up needing lots of reassurance that it wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I definitely overthink and overanalyze which is why I wonder if blogging is even healthy for me. I should stop thinking and just spew thoughts on to my blog without thinking. Wait! That's what gets me in to trouble, not thinking before speaking.
So I get caught in this vicious cycle of wishing that I would think before acting, overanalyzing bad choices, wishing I didn't think so much, wishing I was more thoughtful, and on and on it goes.
It's right back to my previous post about turning everything to me. You have a problem? Let me make this about me. "What I do?" "Your pain is making me hurt." Every. Single. Thing. I can make it about me.
I need repentance. But then I need to get out of this dark hole and stop dwelling in sin. The Lord wants us to repent of our evils, but he doesn't want us to live in crippling regrets about our past evils or even mistakes. He wants us to have new hearts and to live!
"Cast from you all your transgressions, whereby you have transgressed, and make you a new heart and a new spirit; for why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no delight in the death of him who dies, says the Lord Jehovih; wherefore turn back, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:31-32
My father picked up the child so that the little one could reach the bell. But before he could ring it I turned and slammed the swinging door full into the nephew's head.
I watched the look on his face. He felt betrayed. His little face got pinker and more wrinkled before he let out the wail of pain.
My heart split. I had caused this sweet little nephew pain. I had JUST told him to ring the bell, and two seconds later I had forgotten and thoughtlessly swung the door right into him (I hate swinging doors!)
Luckily my dad was holding the distraught child and was able to comfort him and return him to his mother, but I followed apologizing profusely and feeling horrible.
If it had merely been an accident, and I hadn't known he was there, I'm sure I would have felt pretty bad about it, but I had set him up to be hurt, and one second more of thought would have prevented it from happening in the first place.
So there are two ways I want to go with this story. One: just spending a second more thinking before speaking or acting would save me so many blunders. Why must I be in such a hurry that I don't pay attention?
And 2: I felt horrible. Obviously the following would not occur with a two year old child, but what if I had followed the injured party looking for forgiveness for my blunder and instead of giving him the comfort and apology, he had had to turn around and assure me repeatedly that he was okay and that I shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't that big a deal and not to worry, and he had spent the next ten minutes comforting me instead of the other way around?
So when I say something thoughtless to a friend, at least two things happen. I wish that I had taken the time to consider before speaking, and I end up needing lots of reassurance that it wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I definitely overthink and overanalyze which is why I wonder if blogging is even healthy for me. I should stop thinking and just spew thoughts on to my blog without thinking. Wait! That's what gets me in to trouble, not thinking before speaking.
So I get caught in this vicious cycle of wishing that I would think before acting, overanalyzing bad choices, wishing I didn't think so much, wishing I was more thoughtful, and on and on it goes.
It's right back to my previous post about turning everything to me. You have a problem? Let me make this about me. "What I do?" "Your pain is making me hurt." Every. Single. Thing. I can make it about me.
I need repentance. But then I need to get out of this dark hole and stop dwelling in sin. The Lord wants us to repent of our evils, but he doesn't want us to live in crippling regrets about our past evils or even mistakes. He wants us to have new hearts and to live!
"Cast from you all your transgressions, whereby you have transgressed, and make you a new heart and a new spirit; for why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no delight in the death of him who dies, says the Lord Jehovih; wherefore turn back, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:31-32
Actions and motives
Is blogging unhealthy for me?
Sometimes I feel like blogging is a great outlet for me to verbally process things that might otherwise me spewed at someone's ears. I love writing and figuring out my thoughts through writing. I also love verbal processing and just talking through my thoughts.
These are both really useful for me. But how egocentric are they? I think I worry too much, but sometimes it's good to be aware of my selfish tendencies so that I can shun them.
I write for myself. Plain and simple I need an outlet to write and so I get on my blog and start rambling, and sometimes I hit upon something deep and I do hope that my thoughts could be of use to someone else. But too often I hope that they will be useful for someone else... so that they can understand ME better.
Do I want people to read my blog because I think it will be helpful to them or to me? Do I paint so that other people can admire me and my talents or so that I can bring life and joy to other people?
I definitely overanalyze. Usually after a little "Argh! I'm selfish. Who am I doing this for? What's the point of this or that?" I just step back and think: Is it the right thing to do? Am I serving the Lord? Am I repenting? Am I becoming a better person or a more selfish one? Am I following the Lord? And I doing the right thing?
It is important to notice our motives, but most of all it is important to notice our actions and if the actions are good and moral we should do them, even if we ARE doing them for fame, glory, praise or whatever.
Sure, sometimes we need to take a break from certain actions if we can't find a way to change our motives.
I shouldn't write and write and write and become more self centered and evil as I go, even if somehow my writing IS useful to others. But the real deal is that if I were not working on myself and shunning evils in my life my writing would become worse and worse and less interesting or meaningful to others.
So, long story short, I should keep writing because I think it is useful. And I should continue to examine my motives and shun evils as sins against the Lord.
Sometimes I feel like blogging is a great outlet for me to verbally process things that might otherwise me spewed at someone's ears. I love writing and figuring out my thoughts through writing. I also love verbal processing and just talking through my thoughts.
These are both really useful for me. But how egocentric are they? I think I worry too much, but sometimes it's good to be aware of my selfish tendencies so that I can shun them.
I write for myself. Plain and simple I need an outlet to write and so I get on my blog and start rambling, and sometimes I hit upon something deep and I do hope that my thoughts could be of use to someone else. But too often I hope that they will be useful for someone else... so that they can understand ME better.
Do I want people to read my blog because I think it will be helpful to them or to me? Do I paint so that other people can admire me and my talents or so that I can bring life and joy to other people?
I definitely overanalyze. Usually after a little "Argh! I'm selfish. Who am I doing this for? What's the point of this or that?" I just step back and think: Is it the right thing to do? Am I serving the Lord? Am I repenting? Am I becoming a better person or a more selfish one? Am I following the Lord? And I doing the right thing?
It is important to notice our motives, but most of all it is important to notice our actions and if the actions are good and moral we should do them, even if we ARE doing them for fame, glory, praise or whatever.
Sure, sometimes we need to take a break from certain actions if we can't find a way to change our motives.
I shouldn't write and write and write and become more self centered and evil as I go, even if somehow my writing IS useful to others. But the real deal is that if I were not working on myself and shunning evils in my life my writing would become worse and worse and less interesting or meaningful to others.
So, long story short, I should keep writing because I think it is useful. And I should continue to examine my motives and shun evils as sins against the Lord.
Do it now.
Don't wait until you have time or energy.
I have to remind myself of this. I could be called to work in less than two minutes. My schedule is such right now that I am on call starting at 9, but I might not be called until 10.
It's so easy to think that I don't have time to write or I don't have time to paint or draw. Because I could be called away in one minute.
I could do something easier to stop in the middle of. I could read. But I want to write. And I want to draw. Just start something. Who cares if there's time? You know what's even easier to stop in the middle of then reading? Numbing Facebook scrolling. Waste. Of. Time. I do that WAY too often because there's just not time for anything else. I have this little device in my hand that I can even scroll through while doing dishes or loading the dishwasher. Maybe I can train myself to sketch while loading the dishwasher! Wouldn't that be something?
I don't need time to start something. Just start it!
When I am working on my novel I sometimes purposefully leave off mid sentence so that when I come back I am finishing a thought rather than starting from zero.
I need to draw something today. It can be a doodle. That's my October goal. Draw something every day. It can be a 2 second drawing, but I'd rather it be something more.
I am just starting to read the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I hope it will give me some helpful tips and stuff. But sometimes I only have enough time to draw, not to read too. And I want to read the book before I start drawing, but that's not how it works. I cannot put stuff off just cause I'm not good at it yet or perfect yet. There's a sentence in the book that says "People even feel that they shouldn't take a drawing course because they don't know already how to draw."
Yep! I can't draw or paint cause I don't yet know how to. Great logic, Alison. So I will draw. I will write. I will paint. Who even cares if I'm good at it?
As I was reading the other day, I was looking at the words and the letters and marveling that I can read. It's a gift I often take for granted. But as I was reading I was thinking about reading, and that I can learn and consume knowledge because I can read.
I try not to take things for granted. It's really incredible when I can just be excited about things each day. I'm going to try to choose today and make the most of it!
I have to remind myself of this. I could be called to work in less than two minutes. My schedule is such right now that I am on call starting at 9, but I might not be called until 10.
It's so easy to think that I don't have time to write or I don't have time to paint or draw. Because I could be called away in one minute.
I could do something easier to stop in the middle of. I could read. But I want to write. And I want to draw. Just start something. Who cares if there's time? You know what's even easier to stop in the middle of then reading? Numbing Facebook scrolling. Waste. Of. Time. I do that WAY too often because there's just not time for anything else. I have this little device in my hand that I can even scroll through while doing dishes or loading the dishwasher. Maybe I can train myself to sketch while loading the dishwasher! Wouldn't that be something?
I don't need time to start something. Just start it!
When I am working on my novel I sometimes purposefully leave off mid sentence so that when I come back I am finishing a thought rather than starting from zero.
I need to draw something today. It can be a doodle. That's my October goal. Draw something every day. It can be a 2 second drawing, but I'd rather it be something more.
I am just starting to read the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I hope it will give me some helpful tips and stuff. But sometimes I only have enough time to draw, not to read too. And I want to read the book before I start drawing, but that's not how it works. I cannot put stuff off just cause I'm not good at it yet or perfect yet. There's a sentence in the book that says "People even feel that they shouldn't take a drawing course because they don't know already how to draw."
Yep! I can't draw or paint cause I don't yet know how to. Great logic, Alison. So I will draw. I will write. I will paint. Who even cares if I'm good at it?
As I was reading the other day, I was looking at the words and the letters and marveling that I can read. It's a gift I often take for granted. But as I was reading I was thinking about reading, and that I can learn and consume knowledge because I can read.
I try not to take things for granted. It's really incredible when I can just be excited about things each day. I'm going to try to choose today and make the most of it!
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You know when you're driving and everyone going slower than you is an idiot, while everyone going faster than you is a maniac? That'...
